Alright, so I went 4-9-1 last week which means you should
never listen to me ever again about anything. Those VegasInsider dot com dudes take
no mercy which means I am about to find eternity in a shallow desert grave next
to Jon Gruden and whoever joins me with their own Failure Demons here in hell.
Fuck it, let’s just get to this week’s picks.
LA Rams (-1.5) at Seattle
The Rams just gave up 55 to Tampa Bay, so choose at your own
peril here. They still have Jared Goff and Todd Gurley and they still have a
trio of receivers who will put up big numbers here, so it’s easy to just roll with
them, but you can’t overlook the Seahawks either, who roll with an even better
Russell Wilson along with Tyler Lockett, Chris Carson and whoever else shows up
with Bobby Wagner waiting to run Todd Gurley into the ground. I guess I’d say
stick with the Rams, but this is not an easy one for sure, and it’s easy to see
Wilson and Wagner along with the Seahawks nasty home crowd pulling this one out
for them. In the end, I’d say roll with the Seahawks.
Pick: Seattle
Baltimore (-3) at Pittsburgh
No Ben Roethlisberger for the Steelers who aren’t about to
slow down Lamar Jackson and the Ravens who roll in averaging over 6 yards per
carry, with Jackson leading the way at 6.6 yards per carry. But Mark Ingram is
right there with him and with the Steelers backs only rocking around 3 yards
per carry it’s hard to go with the Steelers. Big Ben ain’t about to rescue them
and from there it’s easy to see Jackson and Ingram and the boys just running it
down their throats. Easy call here.
Pick: Baltimore
Chicago (-6) at Oakland
Only a great fool would roll with the Raiders, especially
since they have one foot in their Vegas desert grave already. The Bears are
second in the league in point allowed while the Raiders are nowhere near that
offensively or defensively. Look for Khalil Mack to eat his old team alive
while Jon Gruden sues for a peace that he won’t find until he is laying in that
Vegas grave of his own digging, Chuck Pagano has the Bears defense rolling and
they look like gravediggers to me while the Raiders lie there waiting to be filled
in. Another easy call.
Pick: Chicago
Arizona (+4) at Cincinnati
Both of these teams are of shit so go with whatever here.
The Bengals have both one of the worst offenses and defenses in the league
while the Cardinals are flailing behind Kyler Murray who is running the ball
great at 6.3 yards per carry but he’s given them nothing else and it’s hard to
see the Cardinals pulling this one out. Part of me wants to roll with the
Cardinals behind Murray’s legs but I’m truly ambivalent here. I can’t go with
the Bengals so in the end I say stick with the Cardinals but don’t feel good
about it or anything.
Pick: Arizona
Pick: Carolina
Minnesota (-5.5) at NY Giants
I don’t want to roll with Kirk Cousins and I love Jabrill Peppers
back there just waiting to pick six him like he did last week against
Washington. I’d say go with the Giants but are you really gonna trust Daniel
Jones’ virgin ass? I say no, but at the same time I’m loathe to ever roll with
Kirk Cousins. So, I don’t know, dudes and lady dudes. I’d say go with the
Vikings but don’t feel good about it or anything.
Pick: Minnesota
New England (-13) at Washington
This is a huge spread to cover and it’s hard to see anyone
pulling it off, but I trust in Tom Brady who will come through here while
Gisele berates the help and splats all over them like a blue dress leaving them
sticky and running into our shared history while she smile coldly and makes
Thomas bury them along with some Filipino boys in their backyard. Stick with
Tom and Gisele and the Patriots here especially because you don’t ever want to
have witness Bill digging up a Filipino boy while Hillary shakes that blue
dress at him and he weeps for forgiveness.
Pick: New England
NY Jets (+13) at Philadelphia
The Jets quarterback situation is pretty much a dumpster
fire so it’s easy to roll with Dennis, Charlie, Mac and the boys here. Look for
Carson Wentz to continue to bomb that dumpster fire while the Jets shrivel
helplessly with their near league worst defense. This is an ugly game between ugly
teams with even uglier fans but fuck it, it’s not like the Jets are about to do
anything about it. I mean they have one damn passing touchdown this season. That
ain’t good kids, which means roll with the Eagles all day here and hope Frank
and Dee don’t show up to make a real mess of things.
Pick: Philadelphia
Tampa Bay (+6.5) at New Orleans
Drew Brees is still out for the Saints and Tampa Bay is fresh
off putting up 55 on the Rams, so I’d say go with the Buccaneers here. The
Saints are hanging in with Teddy Bridgewater playing for Brees so don’t be so
quick to anoint the Bucs here. The Saints are 3-1 for a reason and for some
reason I don’t see Jameis Winston being the dude to make that reason make any
sort of sense here. So . . . yeah, go with the Saints here? Sure, why not. At
least that means you don’t have to roll with Jameis Winston and his crab leg
stealing ass.
Pick: New Orleans
Atlanta (+4.5) at Houston
Houston still has JJ Watt and DeShaun Freeman while the
Falcons don’t appear to have much of anything beyond Julio Jones, so I say
stick with the Texans here behind their top 10 defense. The Falcons meanwhile
are in the bottom third of the league both offensively and defensively so fuck
them. Go with the Texans and don’t look back.
Pick: Houston
Buffalo (+1) at Tennessee
The Bills are a surprising 3-1 behind a top 5 defense, so
rolling with them is definitely the smart choice, but we are all about poor choices
here at Armchair Linebacker dot com although that isn’t even the address
anymore so ignore this shit. Tennessee? Also has a top 5 defense so maybe this
isn’t a poor choice after all. I say go with the Titans but don’t, like, feel
good about it or anything. That is all I have for you here.
Pick: Tennessee
Denver (+6.5) at LA Chargers
Denver is 0-4 with a team that ranks in the bottom half of
the league both offensively and defensively while the Chargers are a bit better
at 2-2 and with an offense and defense that ranks in the top half in the
league. So go with the Chargers here and feel pretty good about it. After all, nobody
wants to roll with Joe Flacco on the road, do they? Meanwhile Phillip Rivers is
putting up some good numbers for the Chargers so, yeah, easy call here, dudes
and lady dudes
Pick: Chargers
Green Bay (+4) at Dallas
Never go against the devil, especially when he has a top 10
defense backing him up. But Dallas has a top 10 offense and a top 5 defense to
counter the devil’s many charms and Failure Demons. Plus they have Dak Prescott
and Ezekiel Elliott running wild this season so maybe the devil won’t have his
day after all. This is a tough call, but in the end I say go with the Cowboys
behind Prescott and Easy E and say your prayers against the devil.
Pick: Dallas
Indianapolis (+8.5) at Kansas City
The Colts are hanging in there behind Frank Reich’s coaching
and the Chiefs are still without Tyreek Hill, but Andy Reid’s boys still have
the league’s number one ranked offense behind Patrick Mahomes golden gun of an
arm. Mahomes has 10 TDs against 0 INTs so this looks like an easy Chiefs call,
right? Right. Jacoby Brissett is actually matching Mahomes TD for TD though so
maybe this one is not so easy a call after all. I say stick with the Chiefs but
this one may end up being closer than you’d think. I’m tempted to go with the
Colts here but in the end the Chiefs are the move, dudes and lady dudes.
Pick: Kansas City
Cleveland (+4) at San Francisco
Baker Mayfield has managed to get his game going good again,
but really it’s been all about Nick Chubb for Dan’s boys this season as he’s
run along at a 5.2 yards per carry clip so far. Meanwhile, the 49ers are improbably
undefeated with a top 5 offense with twin backs averaging over 5 yards per
carry and a top 10 defense that has put the clamps on the Bucs, Bengals and
Steelers in the early going. I really like Mayfield as I have made a lot of
noise about already and no less a visionary than Stone Cold Steve Austin has talked
Mayfield up this year so I am going to roll with Mayfield and the Browns who will
be helped by Jarvis Landry and Odell Beckham who are both on pace for over 1200
yards receiving this season. Roll Browns and maybe Dan will come along at some
point this season to say some words here at Armchair Linebacker. I certainly
want him to add some international flavor to this dumb blog and I await his
Browns gibberish with glee.
Pick: Cleveland
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