Gambling With Sanity: Week 11

Through the broken wastes of my heart and this 2018 NFL football season, I return to you, more animal than man. Last week, I went 5-8-1, a setback to be sure, but at 66-74-10 overall, I think we can get to the break even point by the end of the season. Sure, it’s not moneyed riches and caviar dreams, but people like us can only expect so much, like not having the repo men roll up on us when we can’t pay our debts. Look, I’m just trying to not get our collective credit rating busted down. I mean, mine can’t get any lower, but maybe you still have something worth hanging onto. That is about all I can offer you. But together, and with the help of VegasInsider.com, who I just know will sponsor me one day, we will get there. So, come, journey with me through another week of the wasteland of Americana.

Green Bay (+2.5) at Seattle

A couple of years ago this would have been a marquee game, but now it’s just a brutal reminder that everything fades and even the greats are brought to common struggle. Neither of these teams outright stink because they still have Aaron Rodgers and Russell Wilson, but they’re not going anywhere either. Of course, this is about the point where Aaron Rodgers prostrates himself before his Dark Lord, slices flesh from his own penis and burns it as an offering and then somehow pulls off winning the division again. Or maybe not. I mean, eventually the dude is gonna run out of penis. That is the tragedy of life: eventually we all run out of penis.

Pick: Seattle

Dallas (+3) at Atlanta

The Cowboys just beat the Eagles and the Falcons just lost to the fucking Browns, sending my boy Dan into fits of delusional grandeur. In the aftermath, in a fit of hubris, he replaced his bicycle tires with his own dick, wrapping it around both wheels and riding out of the sea, which if you’ll recall, he rode into last week to sleep with the bones of Winston Churchill. Sure, this means his bicycle only has 2” tires now, which is a pretty comical site, but that’s the English for you. Wait, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, so these teams both just seem sort of random and inscrutable this season so I don’t fucking know who will win? Do you? Do you???

Pick: Atlanta

Cincinnati (+4) at Baltimore

Okay, so this game barely even has a line as far as I can tell. No casinos are even taking bets on it because A.J. Green is out, no one knows what’s going on with Joe Flacco, both coaching staffs are in turmoil, and the world is full of mystery and chaos. And yet, VegasInsider.com has somehow come up with a “consensus” line of Baltimore (-4), which is presumably just made up because VegasInsider has to get that money so they can inevitably sponsor me. I don’t come cheap. (I’ll do it for some pills.)

Pick: Baltimore

Minnesota (+2.5) at Chicago

The Bears are riding high on the hog and by that I mean a bunch of bears escaped from the zoo, riding off on a herd of pigs. It was pretty funny. Wait, what are a bunch of pigs called? Is it a heard? That doesn’t sound quite right. Anyway . . . ANYWAY, the Bears probably shouldn’t get too full of themselves given the Lions of it all. Sure, they provoked me into writing about my dad dying, which is a hell of an accomplishment, but that wasn’t really about them, was it? Bears fans still don’t seem to trust these dudes, which may be a defense mechanism (trust me, I get it) but it does seem as if there is something illusory going on here. Mitch Trubisky seems like the sort of dude who will ruin your heart the same way all Bears quarterbacks have done through the years, and their success this season has mostly come at the expense of a bunch of shitters (r.i.p. Lions) so . . . nope, still don’t trust them.

Pick: Vikings

Philadelphia (+9) at New Orleans

The Eagles have fucked it all up, just like I said they would. lol that’s so Philadelphia, amirite? I figure they are about one bad half away from their own fans pelting them with batteries and socks filled with frozen piss, which actually means it’s probably a good thing they’re on the road this week. Unfortunately, it’s at New Orleans, where a fanbase full of Heinis await them, chugging stolen Heinekens and burying their own dead above ground which is how you get vampires if I understand my Bible correctly. The horrors never cease for the Eagles.

Pick: New Orleans

Tennessee (+2) at Indianapolis

OF COURSE the Titans beat up on the Patriots the same week I broke kayfabe and gushed about the sociopathic glory of Tom Brady. Anyway, the Titans are the most boring team in the history of boring teams and the Colts play in the whitest state in the history of states, yes even whiter than Vermont, the sort of fucked up white that embarrasses everyone and joins the Klan and votes for Tonald Drump en masse because he used to be on the tee-vee and hates n****** (nitrous . . . he’s a huge opponent of whippets) Anyway, who cares about this game or their shitty fans.

Pick: Tennessee I guess

Houston (+3) at Washington

The Redskins (lol I mean the R*******) are gonna win the NFC East this season, which makes Kirk Cousins look like shit more than anything, and anything that makes Kirk Cousins look like shit is okay with me. That Holland fuck . . . seriously, if you don’t know anything about Holland, MI (and why would you?), it is even whiter than Indiana, only it’s a real uptight Dutch Protestant kind of white, a soul killing kind of white, and Kirk Cousins was bred right in the heart of that shit, both literally and spiritually. He’s so white that even Alex Smith, a dude who played college football in fucking UTAH, and whose kids are named HUNTER and HAYES, is spiritually more dark meat than that motherfucker.

Pick: Washington

Tampa Bay (+1.5) at N.Y. Giants

Man, the Bucs were firebombing people at the beginning of this season like they were playing the Dresden Damned every week, and now they’re underdogs to the fucking Giants. Life’s a bitch, yo. Still, the Giants are a franchise in free-fall, in the midst of their second straight blow-it-up-and-start-over season, which will make it even funnier when Eli Manning comes back again next season and a bunch of Jersey mooks hoot and holler and scream FUHGETABOUTIT and throw pizzas at each other in animalistic fury and disgust before they go home and beat Marie in front of Anthony, Jr.

Pick: Tampa Bay

Denver (+7) at L.A. Chargers

One thing you should never forget: John Elway played out Colin Kaepernick and lied about him turning down a Broncos offer because he’s a shithead. Elway, I mean, not Kap. You would think a dude who spent a lifetime playing with black teammates would gain some perspective on things, but apparently not. At that point, you can’t even say shit like “he just doesn’t know any better.” That is just a dude who is willfully shitty. Fuck him.

Pick: Chargers

Oakland (+5) at Arizona

lol what a wretched game.

Pick: Arizona?

Pittsburgh (-5.5) at Jacksonville

Le’Veon Bell is done in Pittsburgh and there were reports today that his teammates pillaged his locker and stole all his shit. lol now that’s a popular guy. At the very least, it lets the Steelers move on now, but shit, what a move. The dude made a stand for his own self-worth, but in the process sort of played himself. I mean, if it’s all about getting that money, he’s basically cost himself here. The whole point of a strike is not to make a symbolic stand, but to, you know, force the bosses to break and give you that green. Anything else is just playing yourself and playing into their hands. You see, they want you to take solace in things like “symbolic pride” and shit like that because it doesn’t cost them anything. There’s a reason working men are encouraged to have strong work-ethics and pride in what they do. It’s because too often we’re made to feel like that’s an honest substitute for financial security. And it makes it easy to end up playing yourself, like Le’Veon Bell just did. I mean, the dude even got his shoes and shit stolen by his coworkers. So much for solidarity, I guess. Then again, these dudes are all millionaires, so this whole thing is dumb. Fuck it all.

Pick: Pittsburgh

Kansas City (+3.5) at L.A. Rams

This game was originally supposed to be in Mexico City, but was just relocated to L.A. because of poor field conditions, which makes the NFL and Americans just look like huge bitches to Mexicans. I mean, as if we couldn’t already be anymore bitch to them. But fuck it, I guess it actually spares Mexico City from attempted gentrification by the NFL. Estadio Azteca being filled up by a bunch of pale-faced bosses is too dark to contemplate.

What’s lost in all this, though, is that this should be the game in the NFL this season. Explosive offenses, young big-dicked quarterbacks . . . what’s not to like?

I’m sorry, I just can’t let go of this Mexico thing. Who do you think Mexico would adopt as their “home” team? The Raiders are the obvious choice, right? But as time passes, the Raiders just get whiter and whiter, so who’s left? No one is rooting for the fucking Cardinals. The Chargers and Rams have that SoCal connection, so maybe them by default. But I kinda want to say the Saints, both because New Orleans is fucked up in the same sort of spiritually rich way that Mexico is, and because of the whole pseudo-religious but not in a corny white way of the Saints name. I can picture a bunch of Mexicans following the Saints around wearing skeleton costumes and shit, their faces painted like it’s the day of the dead. They’d have to get rid of Drew Brees first, though. Bring a dude like Pat Mahomes to New Orleans, let them play some games in Mexico City and baby, you got a real NFL presence in Mexico. Or maybe they’d just cut everyone’s balls off and play soccer with them. Who is to say?

Pick: Rams