Wednesday, October 30, 2019

Gambling With Sanity: Week I Give Up


Alright, so I went 10-5 or 10-4 or whatever the fuck last week, which means that I am just running game on all those Vegas fucks. Listen to me or don’t, I don’t give a fuck, just know that I am smarter than everyone and also that I have a nice dick. Worship me, you plebeian fucks, worship me and I will graciously let you do it. In this age of lizard demigods and poor choices, choose me because I am invincible, I am always right and I will rule this fucking earth with or without you in it. I am Krishna, I am Neil, and I am the most powerful person you will ever know. There are games to be won and games to be lost, but they hardly matter next to my magnificence. Lick my feet you curs, my adoring faithful. Lick my feet and know that I am a just god, and that in my light you will all get salvation or at least really high as fuck, I’m talking full-on Chong here, man. We should all aspire to be Chong, even if most of us have a little too much Cheech in us. Let’s all be Chong and worship me and reward me with praise and all of your money, especially if you are a money mark who just needs someone to throw cash at. You can’t own me but you can sure as fuck give me what I deserve, especially because I am helping you make money this football season with my faultless Metaphysics analysis of this football season. Give me money, drugs or sex, I don’t care which, but you will give me something. If I don’t get 10 I love yous in the comments I will just die. I need it all, man. I need to feel your embrace as we find ourselves in the heart of autumn, as we voyage together through this thing called life. Tell your friends and loved ones, tell everyone, about me and love me the fuck up already because I am lonely and sad and heartsick and I need to be raptured in your collective embrace. This is not a joke, this is very real and I love you all too.

San Francisco (-7) at Arizona

Speaking of loving, it’s about time I take a minute and show the love the 49ers who have finally woken  up from their Harbaugh hangover to do all the things he knows and loves, with a kickass running game and a strong defense bulldozing people right now. Seriously, they are just crushing everyone right now, 2nd in the league in points given up, 3rd in points scored. They have the 2nd best rushing attack in the league, and the best overall defense. It starts and ends with the running game here, where the 49ers make their hay and I don’t see anyone slowing it up anytime soon. Certainly not the Arizona Cardinals, who are not abject failures this season, riding Kyler Murray for whatever he’s worth, but they are not about to rise up and stop whatever the fuck the 49ers are doing right now. This ends badly for them, and I guess it’s time to get behind the 49ers again, who just won’t die, they just keep being reborn and in ways that run counter to the rest of the league. This is who you want to emulate. It is not Jim Harbaugh’s team anymore, but this is his way and when it works, it’s a beautiful thing. Let the machine carry you away 49ers fans, get caught in its gears and let it work the fuck out of you because you need to be different to survive in this fucked up world, not like the others at all.  It is no coincidence that the only team with a better rushing game than the 49ers this season is the Baltimore Ravens, coached by that other Harbaugh, and like I said, while this is not Jim Harbaugh’s team, this is the sort of football that made the 49ers a winner when he was there. Fuck the Patriot way, I will take the Harbaugh way every goddamn time.

Pick: San Francisco


Houston (-3) at Jacksonville



Pick: BREAK SOME SHIT TONIGHT


Washington (+10) at Buffalo

The poor damn indigenous people already lost Alex Smith to brutality last season and now they have to worry about whether short term rental Case Keenum is healthy. When you are 1-7, the prospect of Colt McCoy coming to the rescue is about as grim as it gets. Call the banners all you want but you’re just gonna end up with some field hands led by the bastard son of some minor lord. This is no place to find yourself naked and exposed, but the Redacteds don’t have anything better to do, so let us just watch as they shit their pants and then sit down on it, trying to bury it like a fucking cat or something. This is a grim business, this football life, and the Racial Epithets are stripped damn near to the bone already. This is a lost season for them, hell a lost decade, a lost century so far for them and I don’t see any way it gets better any time soon. The Bills, meanwhile, at least have a top five offense to smother and suffocate these hapless fucks with, and that point spread may seem a little extreme considering the ineptitudes of both offenses, but the Racists don’t have anything going for them and I have no choice but to conclude that the Bills will beat them 13-3 or some hideous number like that. I want to say don’t bet on this fucking game because who cares but also because this is a morass of general misery you want no part of. I am but a humble scribe, helping to guide you through this Totally Fucked world we’re living in and I can’t make your poor choices for you, but if I had to make a poor choice, it would be to support Buffalo and not the grim corpse of the Culturally Insensitive.

Pick: Buffalo


Tennessee (-4.5) at Carolina

Carolina is fresh off of being steamrolled by the 49ers, who hung half a hundred on them which is rare in these tamed gentrified NFL plasticon games. The Titans meanwhile, are standing firm with a top 5 defense. This should be an easy pick, especially because Cam Newton is still out and there is only so much you can do before Christian McCaffrey is killed. The Titans don’t have to do much other than try to contain McCaffrey, which is not as big a challenge in this new NFL age of quick passes and desultory tackling, and if they can keep him from running wild, they should blow this open. I say they should, but it’s not like their offense is moving it that great for them either. This suggests a low scoring affair, but one that the Titans will win because they have one distinct advantage in that their defense is a solid place to work from unlike the Panthers whose defense is crumbling with no support from a Newtonless offense. Go with Tennessee here and tell them that Neil sent you. When they ask “Who’s Neil?”, don’t be alarmed when those banjos start playing, we’re just gonna have a nice little float down this here river together.

Pick: Tennessee


Chicago (+3) at Philadelphia

The Bears have a good defense but a woeful offense as it becomes clear that the Mitch Trubisky experience will not have a happy ending. Meanwhile, the Eagles are just sort of a middling mess, not really good or awful at anything. This is a hard one to size up and it harkens back to the days of the old Fog Bowl when these two teams met under similar circumstances way back in the day. I would say take the Eagles and then watch out for mindless degenerates puking on your shoes, but this isn’t so easy. I can see this one getting bogged down and ending only when a bunch of Philly hooligans start a riot or some shit while the Bears fans back home get all liquored up and choke on fat slices of ham. Nobody is a winner in this scenario, two teams representing two cities who are monuments to corruption and lazy failure. I guess I’ll say roll with the Eagles, because at least if they win, then the insufferable Bears fans can finally shut the fuck up and wait for miracles on draft day. It’s a cruel world out there, but this is just the way it is sometimes.

Pick: Philadelphia


Minnesota (+3.5) at Kansas City

Obviously this all hinges on the health of Patrick Mahomes. With him I could see the Chiefs pulling this one out against that vile fucker Kirk Cousins and his Blackwater loving ass. But without him, it’s tough to see how they hang with the Vikings who have a competent running game supporting Cousins and a defense that is 3rd in the league in points allowed, and that is great at stopping the run on defense. A world without Patrick Mahomes plays into all the Vikings strengths and so it is my sad duty to have to pick those Nordic shitheads as Kirk Cousins makes deals with and duels with the goddamn devil as we get going on the back half of this season.  But that is what my head is telling me to do, and while I am far too often led by the heart and treat my brain like it’s a Christmas present that I love to open up everyday on Christmas morning in a poor choices haze, I have to go with the goddamn Vikings here. I don’t like it and neither do you, but the NFL is an awful league and poor Patrick Mahomes will be lucky if he gets out of all of this without picking up some super-virus from the quacks associated with the NFL. So roll with the Vikings and hope against hope that when the black helicopters come they will come for Kirk Cousins.

Pick: Minnesota


NY Jets (-6.5) at Miami

The stink of this game is wretched as can be, with no quarterbacks making plays, dismal running games and shitty offenses being the only thing waiting for the shuffleboard transplants down in Miami hoping to get a look at their Jets and their handsome young quarterback named Joe Namath. But this is not 1969 and even if Sam Darnold walks through that door, it won’t be to save you but to get some reps in before his agent can hustle him out in the dead of the night to a team and a city not prone to being insufferable jackasses on their best day. But Miami is somehow in even direr straits, last in the league in damn near anything, and Don Shula has probably already sucked down so many bottles of champagne, just lost and delirious at this point, missing his pants, hollering for Griese and the boys to let him know when they can celebrate their ancient glories. This is the perfect game for the Jets to start trying to make right, but the same could be said of these miserable Dolphins. These are two weak cripples slapping at each other for our benefit, but I am not even entertained. Get some blow and some molly and introduce me to some Cuban ladies down in Miami and I will gladly pick the Dolphins here. But if you don’t have any of that for me, then fuck you and fuck the goddamn Jets and fuck everyone because I don’t have the patience for any of these trifling fucks.

Pick: Miami


Indianapolis (Pick ‘em) vs Pittsburgh

Man, just no respect for the Colts here who are doing just fine without Andrew Luck and his millions of dollars and Stanford education protecting him from the CTE that is bound to make him go all Benoit one day. They are doing just fine without him at 5-2, not particularly great or anything but not bad either. The Steelers meanwhile are doing okay sans rapist, but the offense is slipping towards the back end of the league without him. Devin Bush on defense is the real force here. My Michigan Man dude is wrecking fools for the Steelers and is a real problem for anyone trying to get in his way. Jacoby Brissett might not be Andrew Luck, but he’ll probably feel like him, at least the concussed parts of him, before it is all over. Pick ‘em is a lazy bullshit thing to do, but fuck it, there’s not much left to differentiate these two teams from each other this year. They are not mirror images by any means, but they are also not all that different. Roll with the home crowd here? I don’t know, man. I just don’t know.

Pick: Pittsburgh


Tampa Bay (+5.5) at Seattle

It must be nice to be Pete Carroll and have a dude like Russell Wilson running everything. They have had to rebuild, but here they are again, within striking distance of the playoffs while the Buccaneers flounder under ol’ Crab Legs Winston. That’s probably not fair because Winston has at least thrown for a lot of yards this season, but it has been an adventurous one for him as evidenced by his 12 interceptions, which is rare to see these days. But Winston is just one man, no matter how problematic, and the Seahawks have Russell Wilson, and they have at least the semblance of a defense led by Bobby Wagner. I expect that Winston will be able to throw on the Seahawks, but those turnovers, man, they are a problem, and Russell Wilson doesn’t have any of those problems. Sometimes, it is just that easy.

Pick: Seattle


Cleveland (+1) at Denver

The fightin’ Dans have let me down so far this season, and it sucks because I want to get behind Baker Mayfield. That’s tough to do given that he is throwing interceptions at a Crab Leg level. The run game is so far holding up, and Myles Garrett is wrecking fools left and right, but Baker better get it together or else he is going to make me look bad. Me and Dan, who I returned to after I escaped and strangled with the chains he kept me with. I don’t even know where his body is after I buried it, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he turned up on my doorstep to remind me of our shared Failure Demons, of willfully supporting such accursed teams. And poor Dan doesn’t even have a Liverpool to fall back on. He just has a Wigan, which if you meathead NFL fools don’t know, is something resembling a pagan witch, and I don’t want to get caught up in the dark arts and neither do you. But Joe Flacco is out for the Broncos and their backup is a dude named File Not Found, so who even knows what mystifying delights are in store for us in this game? Shit, just lean on the running game and don’t let Baker get stupid and the Browns should roll the Broncos here. Will they? I doubt it given the Failure Demons of it all, and also because Dan is doomed to getting fucked to his second vertebrae , but I can not get behind a horse faced jackass like John Elway, especially when his team doesn’t even have a functioning quarterback. Fuck the Broncos and their shitty team, fuck Ohio and all their bums too, and do I need to even say it? Okay fine, fuck Dan too.

Pick: Browns


Green Bay (-4) at LA Chargers

The goddamn devil has found his way again, leading a potent Packers attack that is unlikely to be slowed down by a foundering Chargers team, led by a freewheeling Phillip Rivers who is only one dude and can’t cover for the Chargers shitty running game or his own propensity to fuck up at the worst time. The devil, though, is merciless, and while the Chargers defense is hanging in there this season, it doesn’t pay to go against the devil, especially when he’s lounging in LA, his favorite playground. The devil has his fun with the farmer’s daughters but let him light up Hollywood and you won’t even know what hit you. Is it too much for the Chargers to ask for some support from their nonexistent fanbase, as they are somehow the 3rd most popular team in a city with only 2 teams? They may not be as flashy as the Rams or as dangerous as the Raiders, who I am sure still have a lot of support, especially amongst the OGs, but they need some help if they are going to survive the devil, who is just now freezing time and splicing in Nikki Sixx and Tommy Lee and the boys. Will they get that help? My sources say no, as the Chargers are doomed to being used as fuck toys like so many innocents who get off the bus hoping to magically turn up in Venice Beach. This is where the devil plays and he’s gonna get his sins in tonight.

Pick: Green Bay


New England (-6.5) at Baltimore

This is a true heavyweight fight and probably the game of the year in the AFC, pitting two awesome offenses against each other in a fight to the death. They get it done in different days, as Tom Brady continues to saunter like a vampire Bowie through the streets, sucking on necks and not caring who gets hurt along the way. Meanwhile, the Ravens lean on a powerhouse running game, which, yes, is again touched by the Harbaugh way. All these goddamn Harbaughs and yet I get the one who suddenly doesn’t know how to coach any offenses. I mean, what the fuck? Okay, tantrum aside, what it will all come down is which defense can hold, and this is where New England has the advantage, as they are 1st in the NFL in scoring defense, top five both against the pass and the run (notice how this all happened after Matt Patricia shuffled his hefty bag ass out of town? Yeah, fuck him, the goddamn fraud. He is a nothing piece of shit who probably raped a girl back in the day. He is an incompetent piece of shit. LOCK HIM UP LOCK HIM UP LOCK HIM UP) Okay, where the fuck was I? Oh yeah, the Patriots defense is legit this season while the Ravens pass defense ranks, let’s see here, 26th in the league. Well shit, it’s not like Tom Brady is the all time NFL throw king or anything. Wait, he is? Oh. Oh, I see.

Pick: New England


Dallas (-9) at the Giants

It is fitting, I suppose, that the Cowboys go all Slim Pickens riding the bomb on the Giants here, who are a miserable outfit last seen propping up Matthew Stafford’s existence as a top tier NFL quarterback. The Cowboys are pretty good at pretty much everything, while the Giants are pretty bad at pretty much anything, so, you know, not a lot left to say here, is there? I suppose I could rant and rave about Dallas being the place where the fascists blew the head off the figurehead of American idealism, or about New York being everything good and wrong about this goddamn country. Oil vs Wall Street, who wins? Not me and not you, I’m afraid to say. It’s all too easy to see Jerry Jones landing in a helicopter atop One World Trade Center and announcing that he has bought America, but it’s also too easy to see his cotton fried ass being run out of Yankee territory and back to his hick roots. I don’t know what’s left to say other than fuck both of these teams, but especially fuck Jerry Jones, who represents the worst of both cities. Rot in Piss, you senile old jackal.

Pick: Dallas

















No comments:

Post a Comment