Great Expectations or The Return of the Predictions Recap

Roary, stylin'. Also, behind those glassy eyes of a stoner lies a dangerous assassin.

I thought about doing this last week and then I just . . . didn’t. Then I thought about scrapping the whole predictions thing entirely but I have instead decided to do it off and on. Some weeks it will be here and some weeks it won’t, depending on whether or not I have something else substantial to write about. For instance, last week I had the whole clock management thing to rant and rave about but this week there really isn’t anything like that to pound away at so instead you get an egotistical recap of my game predictions. Lucky you! (Wait, come back . . .) This is because I’m trying to keep my writing about the Lions limited to the game preview, the game recap and then one piece in between (with maybe the occasional tale of The Great Willie Young thrown in whenever I feel like it.) Some of you will remember that I wrote something about the Lions every day last season and so you might be a tad bit disappointed that I’m slacking off a bit this year (Or maybe you’re happy not to have more bullshit gibberish to read. Who knows?) but here’s the thing – last season burnt me the fuck out. There’s a reason why I didn’t write much about the Lions during the offseason. Sure, sure, the lockout provided an unseemly cover for my lack of gibberish, but the truth is that I had just spent an entire season writing 80 novels worth of material about the Lions and goddammit, I felt like I’d exhausted both the topic and myself. So . . . yeah, I still plan on writing a lot, but I don’t want to have the same thing happen this year. That may sound like a lot of dumb whining and I don’t blame you for being annoyed right now. I mean, I don’t blame you for not caring about any of this, but fuck it, I felt like an explanation was in order so you at least knew what to expect. I suspect most people just read the previews and recaps and then ignore all this weird shit midweek, but I know some of you read everything and so this is directed more at you dudes and lady dudes. I am eternally grateful that you guys read – and hopefully like – anything that I write and so I felt like I owed you some sort of explanation. But this is all dumb and vaguely shameful and I apologize. Let’s just get on with it, shall we?

PREDICTION THE FIRST: Matthew Stafford will have another big day, throwing for 335 yards and 3 touchdowns. He won’t throw an interception and his numbers will be slightly deflated when the Lions sit on a lead for much of the fourth quarter, causing me to write another bitchy post next week.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: Well, Stafford threw for 294 yards and 4 touchdowns. He did throw an interception and his numbers were slightly deflated, not by the fact that the Lions were sitting on a lead for much of the fourth quarter but for several different reasons. First of all, Stafford spent the beginning of the game frustratingly inaccurate. By the time the game was over, he had completed 23 of 39 passes, good for a 59% completion rate, which is actually kind of mediocre. Had he been able to complete, say, 65% of his passes – which is closer to what will probably end up being a normal game for him – that would be approximately 3 extra completions, which would have netted him anywhere from probably 30-50 yards total, bringing him into the 325-350 yard range for the game. Second, he had a couple of big time throws wiped away thanks to terrible penalties. Third, his numbers were slightly depressed because he spent the last few minutes of the game standing on the sideline with a baseball cap on his head, pretending to be interested in what Drew Stanton had to say while Shaun Hill handed the ball off on the field. Taken as a whole, I feel like I nailed this prediction – if not in exact numbers then at least in spirit. But more importantly, I think this game showed that the potential is always there for Stafford to throw for 300-400 yards whenever he wants. He wasn’t even that sharp in this game and he still kicked everyone’s ass and probably slept with Todd Haley’s wife after the game while Todd sobbed in the corner and pawed at the ghost of his stolen manhood. Now, I’m not saying that definitely happened. That would be irresponsible of me. I’m just saying that would be the most logical conclusion based on the available evidence. I am, after all, a man of science.

PREDICTION THE SECOND: St. Calvin will play and will catch 6 passes for 90 yards and a touchdown.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: St. Calvin caught only 3 passes for 29 yards, but he did catch two touchdowns. Okay, so I was a little bit off with the numbers here, but I was honestly surprised they were that low. In my head, and after watching the game, I figured that they would be similar to what I predicted. That’s because it felt like St. Calvin came up big in this game. Those two touchdown catches were both huge, including one on 4^th down which tore the heart out of the Chiefs. The plays he did make were big and everyone was always aware that he was on the field. His presence was bigger than his numbers, which is part of what makes St. Calvin so great. He doesn’t necessarily need to catch the ball 10 times in order to have a big game. He changes the game just by virtue of being on the field. He allows Nate Burleson to catch the ball 7 times or Titus Young to pick up 89 yards on 5 catches. His presence opens up the field for everyone else and when it’s money time – when it’s time to make a do or die play – Calvin comes up huge. He’s the exclamation point on every drive. He’s the hand of steel reaching into the enemy’s chest and squeezing their heart until it pops. He already has 4 touchdowns this season, has made a couple of ridiculous catches and, just like Stafford, he hasn’t even been at his best yet. Jesus, that is a frightening thought, and yet it’s true. When he and Stafford get completely locked in, I . . . just . . . I . . . I’ll be right back, I need to take a cold shower and then dip my genitals in a bucket of ice.

PREDICTION THE THIRD: Jahvid Best will run the ball 22 times for 96 yards and a touchdown. He’ll also catch 4 passes for 48 yards.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: Best rushed 16 times for 57 yards and a touchdown. He caught 6 passes for 66 yards and another touchdown. Alright, so I missed the mark a bit here, but Best’s numbers were slightly depressed because he spent the last half of the fourth quarter sipping Mai-Tais on the sideline with Matthew Stafford and eyeing Todd Haley’s elderly mother. Add in Keiland Williams’ numbers and you get 25 carries for 82 yards and 2 touchdowns, which . . . eh, not great, but close to what I predicted. The simple fact is that the Lions yards per carry number is not going to be so hot this season. We’re going to see a lot of 1 yard runs and runs for no gain because the line still can’t really impose its will on opposing defenses in the run game. But it doesn’t have to either. The Lions so far have run the ball just well enough for it to give defenses pause, which is all it needs to do. The Lions offensive identity is built around Matthew Stafford and the pass. That’s just the way it is. They’re a pass first team. The run is the changeup. But I’ve been saying this for two years now, so . . . yeah. Jahvid Best will hit some homeruns. He’s too good not to and when he does, those per carry numbers will bump up a bit. This is not a team that is going to bruise its way down the field, picking up 6 yards at a time. That doesn’t mean that the run game isn’t effective. It just means that’s not the team’s identity. Can they run it better than they did against the Chiefs? Yeah, I think so. But anyone expecting them to run it 40 times for 185 yards every game is delusional.

PREDICTION THE FOURTH: Matt Cassel will be found wandering naked and confused after the game, smeared with his own feces outside of Ford Field. He will be taken to a local homeless shelter and then fed to the Coyotes wandering the city streets. The Chiefs will file an official protest with the league but Sheriff Goodell will be too scared to set foot in the streets of Detroit and will be heard muttering nervous gibberish about Robocop. The matter will eventually be forgotten except for by Todd Haley, who will spend the next several months looking for answers. He will be found floating in the Detroit River next May. No one in Kansas City will care.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: Every single word I wrote came true. Okay, okay, some of it can’t be true yet because it takes place in the future, but what if I told you I was in possession of a time machine? Now do you believe me? Sure, I had to do unspeakable things with Doc Brown – dark, terrible things, the man is a degenerate freak – in order to earn a ride in his DeLorean, but it was all worth it just to know the truth. After all, you can’t put a price on something like that. Or at least I keep telling myself that when I go to sit down and end up weeping in pain. Doc Brown, you have ruined me! I still dream of your white mane flowing in my face, suffocating me while my hips burn and my [redacted for gross indecency]. Now, if you’ll all excuse me, I have to go shower again. Yes, that’s shower number two during this post, but cleanliness is next to godliness and I’ve been so, so dirty . . .

PREDICTION THE FIFTH: Jamaal Charles will run for 70 yards on only 14 carries as the Lions establish a big lead and then spend the rest of the game parading around Ford Field with a pike up Matt Cassel’s ass. His howls of pain and screams for mercy will cause Fox to be sued for indecency.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: Well, uh, Jamaal Charles ran the ball only twice for 27 yards before he was beaten to death by Roary, the Lions mascot. Indeed. I don’t even know that I can come up with anything weirder or funnier than that. I will say this: the Chiefs were able to run the ball effectively during the first quarter, enough so that it has caused me to worry a bit about the Lions run defense. But here’s the thing: the Lions defense is built around two preeminent concepts – speed and aggression. The way the Chiefs run the ball is designed to effectively turn those two strengths against the Lions. Jamaal Charles, Dexter McCluster and backs like that rely a lot on cutbacks and misdirection to gain the bulk of their yardage, two things which the Lions are prone to due to their aggressive, attacking style. Ndamukong Suh might barrel three yards into the backfield but that doesn’t help a whole lot if the running back is able to find an open cutback lane. Against teams like the Chiefs, I’d like to see the Lions maintain their aggression while keeping an eye on the backdoor. That is kind of a hard thing to ask though and so I think we might have to learn to live with shit like this happening. It sounds like an easy thing to ask, but doing so would threaten to change the team’s entire mental approach which I’m not ready to start fucking with yet, you know? I don’t want them slowing down just to accommodate some ideal, an ideal which may not even be attainable. Don’t try to do everything all at once. Learn how to dominate first. Then start adding in those little nuances which turn domination into flawless victory.

Also, I feel like I should devote more time to discussing Roary destroying Jamaal Charles. I mean, that shit actually happened. It did. Jamaal Charles ran out of bounds, barreled into Roary and ended up getting hauled off the field as a casualty of war. Sure, sure, the actual injury may have happened while Charles was slowing up in his attempt to avoid Roary, but that just proves that Charles was afraid of Roary. He knew what would happen if that stoned son of a bitch (just look at his eyes . . .) got his hands on him and his knee committed suicide in a vain attempt to avoid his savage destiny. But destiny will catch us all before the end, and for Jamaal Charles, his destiny caught up with him while he lay writhing in agony on the turf of Ford Field, while that iron hearted warrior named Roary rose like a colossal Phoenix above his dying body, mocking Jamaal Charles’ insignificant mortality. And in that moment, Jamaal Charles looked into those hooded eyes of Roary and he saw the truth laid bare. He saw the heart of a god and then he shit his pants. It’s true. You can trust me, I am both a scientist and a holy man. In me all truths are wed and finally, all of you know what I have known all along, which is that Roary is indeed none other than the resurrected spirit of the Great Willie Young’s father, the Cheetah God, born again as a Lion. Don’t deny it. You know it’s true. All the evidence is there.

PREDICTED FINAL SCORE: Lions 31, Chiefs 17 (And it’s only that close because I figure the Lions will ease off and sit on the lead in the 4^th quarter and the Chiefs will get at least one garbage touchdown.)

ACTUAL FINAL SCORE: Lions 48, Chiefs 3. Let me repeat that for you: LIONS 48, CHIEFS 3. Oh, and, uh, I may have been just a tad wrong about that whole Lions easing off and sitting on the lead thing. Just a tad. Although, I will say this: a tiny part of me was actually disappointed that the Lions didn’t go for 55 just because. I know that’s bad form, but fuck it, the fire in my heart overcame me and I became a lustful beast. I can’t help it. That part of me has been starved for so long that it has become wild and ravenous and when it sees a chance to feed it detaches from that which is human inside of me and I become more human than human and I start visualizing Todd Haley naked, covered in blood, being driven through the streets of Detroit like an ancient Roman prisoner, being whipped and pelted with garbage and I start howling for the blood of my enemies and when I wake up from this blood fever I am naked and my body is sizzling in the woods and there is a corpse of a dead rabbit in my hands, half-eaten and I feel ashamed because I am a vegan and then I must spend the rest of the night flogging myself in self-punishment and weeping blood tears, begging forgiveness for my inhumanity, but that is my cross to bear and not yours. I did not ask for this but like Jesus once said, with great power comes great responsibility and I can only hope one day to channel that starved frenzied Lions fan inside of me into a champion of good, much like The Great Willie Young or Roary or the Incredible Hulk or Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon. Don’t cry for me, Argentina. Cry for that poor rabbit. He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, much like the Chiefs were on Sunday against my beloved Lions.

These Are More Fun To Do When The Lions Win

Well, here we are again, old friend. It's been a long season, but we're still here. We're still here.

A little bit of a mixed bag this week, but I got the big one right, which is that the Lions beat the Dolphins. It feels good to put your nuts on the table week after week and not have them be smashed into a pulp by some maniac with a giant sledgehammer who looks like a methed out version of Gallagher, which I guess isn’t that much different than the actual Gallagher now that I think about it. How did I end up talking about Gallagher in only the second sentence of this thing? Jesus, that might be a new record: Quickest Devolution into Weird Gibberish. Also, I’m not sure why “I put my nuts on the table” has become my standard way of saying “Oh yeah, I predicted that.” It’s a disturbing image and I apologize. I mean, I don’t make a habit of teabagging random tables although I did make love to a fine mahogany dining room table on a hot summer’s day once. It was the sort of day when everything is sticky and I could just smell the wood and it smelled so sweet and I knew it was calling to me and so I took a deep breath and I . . . where am I? What’s going on? Oh well, enough gibberish. Let’s just get to the breakdown of this week’s predictions and I promise not to mention the name Drew Stanton. Oh shit . . . too late I guess. Okay, okay, I promise not to talk about tables anymore. I’m pretty sure I can keep that promise. Wait . . . it is the table that was the disturbing part of that story, right? I was just a victim, led on by that sultry villain, and . . . great, now tonight I am going to dream about Gallagher making hot, sweaty love to Drew Stanton on top of a mahogany dining table, their flesh slapping and sticking in the humidity of a late August day while I stand, lonely and confused with my nuts on some lowly plastic coffee table, watching, watching, watching . . .

The most horrible thing I’ve written here at Armchair Linebacker? Maybe. Maybe. But these are strange and terrible times and . . . okay, fine, I’ll just get on with it.

PREDICTION THE FIRST: Hill starts and is a little rusty, but not nearly as rusty as he was against the Bills. He completes 25 of 37 passes for 265 yards, with 2 touchdowns and 1 interception.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: As Scott Stapp would say, Welllllllllllllllll (insert sound of a donkey braying), I was sorta right? Hill completed 14-26 passes for 222 yards with 2 touchdowns and perhaps most importantly, 0 interceptions. He was a little rusty, but he wasn’t as bad as he was in the game against Buffalo and the result was . . . just enough.

Yes, just enough. Hill wasn’t actively good or anything but he wasn’t bad either. Aside from a couple of misplaced balls, he managed to find his receivers much of the day. He was hurt by a couple of drops (Hey, Brian Clark? Yeah, you can collect your things outside of the locker room. They’re in that box right over there. Those guards? They’re just here to make sure you get to your car safely. After all, this is Detroit.), and a couple of idiot plays by his receivers – most notably the one in the 4^th quarter that saw Brandon Pettigrew just quit on a play – and had they made those plays, Hill’s numbers would look downright good.

It is telling that I can come away feeling somewhat disappointed, though, by Hill’s game because if his name was Drew Stanton everyone would probably be raving about how he’s a gamer and about how he Gritted his way to a Lions victory. The expectations for Hill are a bit higher than for Stanton and really, that’s the point. An average, or a slightly subpar day for him, is the equivalent to a revelatory game from Stanton. Hill was not particularly good against the Dolphins and yet his performance was pretty much right in line with what Stanton did against the Buccaneers last week.

Indeed, when it looked like the Lions were going to lose the game against Miami, I was already dreading the cascade of dumb THIS NEVER WOULDA HAPPENED IF THEY STARTED STANTON bullshit gibberish that was going to flow down from every corner of the fanbase. I was already prepared to point out how the difference in the games was not the play of the quarterback but the play of the defense and the running game. In fact, I was all prepared to point out that Hill’s game was actually more impressive than Stanton’s Bucs game because he had to play without the benefit of a functional running game. This meant that he was forced to make plays with his arm and throw the ball when the Dolphins knew that he was going to throw. Given those same conditions, I almost guarantee Stanton would have imploded.

Man, I’m sorry. I am self-aware enough to realize that I am behaving shamefully and that Stanton has become my white whale. It seems like all I do these days is chase him down with a harpoon in my hand, foaming at the mouth, and it is unseemly and vaguely pathetic. It’s just that every time I think I’m done with him, I hear or read some gibberish about how he gives the Lions the best chance to win and about how we need him to stay in Detroit and I become unhinged and I reach for my harpoon and it’s back to the open seas, boys and everyone groans and thinks “Jesus, not again,” but I am wild eyed and unreasonable because this is what Drew Stanton does to me. I cannot help myself. I just want him to go away. Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop!

Okay. Okay. Shaun Hill. Let’s talk more about him. Hill played okay. He wasn’t good, but he wasn’t bad either. The most impressive play I thought he made all day actually came on an incompletion on third down in the 4^th quarter. The Lions were driving, they were in Miami territory, they were ten points down and they absolutely needed to make something happen or the game was as good as over. Hill dropped back to pass on third down and immediately, he was under siege. There were Dolphins everywhere. The play was doomed, he was going to get sacked and oh well, at least we won two in a row, but then Hill spun out of trouble, looked down field, scrambled and then tossed up a floater to an open part of the field. There was no one there. Not a Lion, not a Dolphin, no one. But Hill saw Brandon Pettigrew and when he threw that ball, he did so believing that Pettigrew would keep running and would go out and get it. It was a beautiful play by Hill at the most crucial point in the game. All Pettigrew had to do was keep running. But he didn’t, the ball dropped to the ground and the Lions punted. People will forget this play. They will remember the Lions furious comeback and all they will remember will be the interceptions and the implosion of Chad Henne. But what I’ll remember is that when the Lions desperately needed a play, Shaun Hill made something happen out of nothing. That play was dead, crushed, finished. But he MacGyvered his way out and he saw something that requires vision and foresight and all those things that a quarterback needs to be successful mentally. He saw possibility and if Brandon Pettigrew would have just kept running, the Lions would have converted a crucial third down. Shaun Hill doesn’t have the arm or the physical tools to be a big time NFL quarterback. In this, he and Stanton (Oh, Jesus, here we go again. . .) are very similar. But that one play highlighted the difference between the two. Hill can see possibilities. He gets the mental part of the game. I don’t think Drew Stanton does. He runs around and he leaves trails of grit behind him as he goes, but for all his furious scrambling and Pluck and OH MAN HE’S JUST A PLAYMAKER, there’s nothing really there. It ends up looking like panic, like he’s running around and scrambling and tossing random bags of grit because he doesn’t know what else to do. It doesn’t look like he’s making plays. It looks like he doesn’t see where the play is to be made. That’s a key distinction, and it’s that that is the biggest difference between Hill and Stanton. Hill is in control and when he scrambles, it’s to open up possibilities. When Stanton scrambles, it’s all just a bunch of noise signifying nothing. That’s right, I’m going to quote Shakespeare here. I’ve lost my mind and I can’t stop and even though I said this was about Hill it has once again turned into a vicious harpooning of Stanton and Goddammit, I’m gonna get me that whale!

I say this every week – hell, lately, every day – but this is the last thing I’m going to say about Stanton. I am going to use Shakespeare against him. I think it sums up both Stanton and my own toxic hate boner for him and what he represents. It is a condemnation of us both. Here it is, and damn it all, I mean it this time.

Drew Stanton: a tale

Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,

Signifying nothing.

PREDICTION THE SECOND: The Lions again manage to run the ball fairly effectively, picking up 150 yards total. Again, no one ball carrier will exceed 15 carries and Maurice Morris will lead the way with 75 yards.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: In the words of that noted sage, Al Bundy . . . uh, no, Peg. The Lions ran for a grand total of 67 yards on 21 carries, reverting back to the parade of rancid shit which was the running game for much of the season before that little three week oasis in the middle of our desert of despair where we actually had a thriving running game. Was that oasis just a mirage? I don’t know. It’s hard to say whether those games were all just fluky or whether the Lions had found a way to run the ball creatively, which caught their opponents off balance but which has now been caught onto by the rest of the league or whether the Dolphins have just a really, really good run defense. Perhaps it’s a combination of all of the above. I think that’s the most likely answer.

You can’t deny that the Lions were able to run the ball there for a few weeks. That can’t be entirely a fluke. One game, yes, maybe, but three is a trend. But it’s not like the Lions were just lining up and running the ball down people’s throats either. The offensive line wasn’t exactly blowing defenses off the ball or anything. Instead, the Lions got creative – really creative – and that caused defenses to become unbalanced enough that there was always just enough of a crack for a ball carrier to run through. Everybody was running the ball in those few weeks – Maurice Morris, Jahvid Best, St. Calvin, Nate Burleson, Stefan Logan – and defenses could never just sit back and key on one guy. Hell, Stanton even ran the option a couple of times. That’s all great and Scott Linehan deserves a pat on the back for making it happen. But the NFL is loaded with athletes capable of making plays all over the field and so all it takes is a little adjustment here, a little adjustment there, and whatever advantages gained by that imbalance can be neutralized much, much easier than they can at the college or high school levels, in which entire offenses are built around the concepts of misdirection and spreading the defense out. And when that imbalance is corrected by a coach who’s on the ball – like Mike Nolan, the Dolphins defensive coordinator – it comes down to execution and brute strength and that’s where the Lions can’t quite get it done.

The Lions want to have a power rushing attack. Right now they lack the offensive linemen to do that. Everyone bitches about the offensive line because of Stafford’s injuries and most people want to lynch Jeff Backus but the reality is that the line has done an admirable job in pass protection this season. The Lions quarterbacks have not had to eat too many sacks and that's helped keep them in games even though those quarterbacks have been backups. They can be successful as long as they’re not asked to win the games on their own and make ridiculous plays in long yardage situations. Because the Lions offensive line has kept them clean, they have been able to play within themselves and make safe throws on 2^nd and 6 or 3^rd and 4 rather than chucking the ball up for grabs on 2^nd and 17 or 3^rd and 22. The line hasn’t gotten nearly the credit they deserve for that this season, Backus especially.

But . . . and you knew there was a but here, the Lions offensive line has utterly failed in the running game this season. One of the biggest reasons why Scott Linehan had to put on his wizard hat is because the line was opening zero holes in the conventional run game. When it comes down to just bearing down and driving the other team off the ball, Dominic Raiola and company have been just awful. I mentioned Raiola specifically because he’s the biggest culprit here. For a dude who likes to bitch everyone out from the fans to his own teammates and pretend like he’s some sort of He-Man warrior, Raiola consistently gets his ass kicked in the running game. He’s a finesse player, and that’s fine if that’s what you’re trying to do offensively, but he’s not big enough or, at least in my opinion, tough enough to take on defensive tackles in the run game. Scouts love him because he’s agile and he barks a lot and he gives off the aura of a dude who’s playing tough and he comes to work every day but he can’t hold up at the point of attack in the run game and really, that makes everything else irrelevant.

The irony is that for all the shit Backus gets, he’s probably the Lions best run blocker. That’s not really saying much given the absolute putrescence of Gosder Cherilus on the other side of the line, Raiola’s inability to hold up in the middle and the staggering mediocrity of Stephen Peterman and Rob Sims, but what the hell, that doesn’t make it any less true. The reality is that the Lions run game will likely continue to struggle – absent the occasional wizardry by Linehan anyway – without an upgrade at several positions along the line. Raiola needs to be replaced. So do Cherilus and Peterman. I think you can live with Backus and Sims but they’re not exactly going to cover the rest of the line’s ass, you know?

The running backs are good enough, I think. All they need is a combination of good health and good blocking and they’ll be fine – better than fine if Jahvid Best manages to get that combination. Best is the explosive runner capable of taking it to the house every time he touches the ball. We saw that against Miami, and while it wasn’t a run, it was a little swing pass that still required him to make a play in the open field. It was a play that didn’t require a lot of blocking and therefore served as an effective glimpse of what Best can do with blocking. By that, I mean that as long as he’s given room to move – either in the open field or via good blocking – he can end up in the end zone on virtually any play. Meanwhile, Maurice Morris has shown throughout his career and again this season that he can be a dependable move the chains kind of running back when given the opportunity. Sure, he only gained 22 yards on 12 carries against Miami (For the record, his 12 carries led the team, while Best’s 24 yards were tops.), but again, I blame that more on the subpar blocking and the Dolphins ability to make the Lions running attack fairly one dimensional. Add in Kevin Smith’s return next year and the Lions have a stable of running backs who have proven that they can be highly effective given adequate help.

PREDICTION THE THIRD: St. Calvin will catch 6 passes for 95 yards and 1 touchdown. Just another day at the office. (Jesus, did I really just type the phrase “Just another day at the office”? The next thing you know, I’ll be gibbering about “Having a case of the Mondays” or some such bullshit. I’m so, so sorry.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: In the words of . . . fuck this, I’m not doing a dumb cutesy quote for each one of these. St. Calvin caught 4 passes for 52 yards and failed to score a touchdown.

There’s not a lot to say here. St. Calvin didn’t really break out at all, but when the Lions needed him, he came through, particularly on the Lions second touchdown drive of the game, when they trailed by seven and needed to make something happen. The Lions leaned on St. Calvin again and again on third down and he came down with the ball every time. Should they have looked for him more throughout the game? Probably, but I didn’t really have a problem with the Lions game plan. For the most part, the receivers Shaun Hill did look for were in position to catch the damn ball and keep the drive moving. Sometimes they did and sometimes they maddeningly dropped the ball. I’d rather the Lions target open receivers – receivers who are made open by the over reaction of the defense to St. Calvin and their subsequent double and triple teaming of him by the way – than ask their backup quarterbacks to try to force the ball into a covered St. Calvin. Again, even when he’s not catching the ball, he’s affecting the game.

Further, St. Calvin’s numbers were depressed by the fact that he sat out the end of the game after being martyred. Had he played, the Lions almost surely would have gone to him, just like they did on that critical drive earlier in the game. But he didn’t and the result is 4 catches for 52 yards. Really, there’s not a whole lot else to say and thank God for that because these things are getting longer and longer every week.

PREDICTION THE FOURTH: Chad Henne will complete 27 of 42 passes for 270 yards with 1 touchdown and 2 interceptions. He’ll be sacked 5 times.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: In the words of Socrates . . . BOOM, MOTHERFUCKER! Henne completed 29 of 44 passes for 278 yards with 1 touchdown and 2 interceptions. Even Nostradamus is high-fiving me because I nailed that shit so epically. Of course, Henne was only sacked twice instead of the 5 times I predicted but we’ll let that slide even if that was kinda the meat of the prediction. Okay? Just give me this, damn it.

Henne was able to find receivers open much of the day because the Lions were playing with the functional equivalent of a narcoleptic goat and a broken toaster in the secondary thanks to the hilarious cavalcade of stupid injuries which have taken all of our defensive backs this season. Hell, at this point, Nathan Vasher is probably like one of those retarded degenerate kids in those Final Destination movies. He sees death everywhere and he’s talking to mystics and creepy Tony Todd looking motherfuckers trying to come up with a way to escape his fate.

So yeah, Chad Henne was able to find open receivers against the Lions. This also managed to allow him to avoid sacks for much of the day because he was able to just drop back and throw, drop back and throw, over and over and over again. I mean, you don’t have to sit in the pocket for too long when Brandon Marshall is 8 yards away from Vasher, you know? I said in the preview that the Dolphins would likely be able to move the ball through the air by going to a lot of short, quick passes which would neutralize the Lions pass rush. This is exactly what they did on their first drive. I also said that the field would then compress and they would lose much of the advantages that were gained by quick throws. This is also what happened for the most part and Henne’s numbers bear this out. I said this would be an example of a team being forced to play a bend but don’t break defense and, well . . . yeah. Eventually, Henne hanged himself with the rope he was given by the Lions defense.

I still thought the Lions defensive line would get to Henne more than they did, but that is where Vasher getting fooled over and over and over again by Marshall came into play. But, late in the game, Vasher tightened up his coverage. This was how he managed to pick Henne off. After getting fooled over and over again by Marshall, Vasher learned his lesson and nearly came up with a pick six in the fourth quarter. Later, he did pick off a pass. This tightening in coverage made all the difference as Henne became rattled and was forced to take an extra second or two every time he dropped back to pass. This didn’t result in any sacks, but it did result in the Lions flushing Henne out of the pocket several times and dragging him down after a one or two yard wounded buffalo scramble. That then caused Henne to get rid of the ball earlier, and try to force some things which led to his meltdown, Vasher’s interception, DeAndre Levy’s pick six, and . . . ballgame.

PREDICTION THE FIFTH: The Dolphins will run for a combined 110 yards, but neither Ronnie Brown nor Ricky Williams will look all that effective. One of them will break one frustrating run which sees busted tackles and poor tackling angles by the Lions secondary. Louis Delmas won’t play.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: The Dolphins ran for a combined 154 yards, but honestly, neither Ronnie Brown nor Ricky Williams looked all that effective. Williams looked the best, running for 71 yards on 14 carries, but one of those was a 28 yarder, a frustrating run out of the Wildcat which saw a couple of missed arm tackles and a generally frustrating effort by the Lions linebackers and safeties. Take that run away and Williams would have only run for 43 yards on 13 carries. Brown, meanwhile, ran for only 37 yards on 12 carries. So, aside from that one Wildcat run, the Dolphins two stud running backs ran for 80 yards on 25 carries. So, honestly, I think I kinda got this one right.

I also was right about Delmas not playing. His absence was felt in both the run and the pass defense. He was replaced in the lineup at free safety by C.C. Brown and since C.C.’s nickname is “Can’t Cover”, well . . . yeah. Meanwhile, Brown’s 28 yard scamper, which at that point felt like a dagger since it came late in the game and set the Dolphins up for a critical score, probably wouldn’t have been so bad with Delmas in the lineup. Fortunately, that was really the only one really bad run the Lions gave up – well, other than a 16 yard reverse to Marlon Moore, but shit, those things happen – and I think that’s because the coaches knew that they couldn’t get away with John Wendling in the starting lineup. He was the culprit on several of Tampa Bay’s biggest runs last week. This week, like I said, the Lions went with C.C. Brown at free safety. C.C. might not be able to cover but he generally does pretty well against the run. Amari Spievey played strong safety, much like he has for much of the second half of the season and so that was the one position in the secondary where we got the standard performance. It was probably a tandem that hurt the pass defense a bit, but for the most part it was the right call because it was more effective against the run than a Wendling and either Brown or Spievey tandem would have been.

In looking at this, it’s actually kind of amazing that the Lions didn’t just get run out of the stadium with the collection of retreads they were forced to throw out there in the secondary against the Dolphins. At the end of the game, they were down to Vasher as their number one cornerback, and let’s not forget that for much of the season he was behind Jonathan fucking Wade on the depth chart. Aside from him, the options were Tye Hill, the recently resurrected Eric King, Prince Miller and Ernie Sims’ monkey. I would have loved to seen Monkey Sims finally get his opportunity, but Vasher and Hill held it together just enough to force Chad Henne to self-immolate and the result was a 34-27 Lions win. I’m not sure who’s going to be back there next season but what this recent run has taught me is that Gunther Cunningham and Jim Schwartz could coach the shit out of a rusty can if they needed to. I’m confident that with a healthy Delmas, maybe a key free agent signing and a decent draft pick, the Lions secondary can at least be good enough to give the defensive line time to consume souls and gnaw on the bones of the wicked. And maybe, just maybe, they can actually be pretty damn good. If that happens, then this defense – and this team, with a healthy Matthew Stafford and Jahvid Best – can do anything.

WHAT I PREDICTED FOR THE FINAL SCORE: LIONS 24, DOLPHINS 20

ACTUAL FINAL SCORE: LIONS 34, DOLPHINS 27. CLOSE ENOUGH, DAMN IT.

I Was Right? I Was Right!

Nostradamus and I both predicted the Lions would beat the Buccaneers. He expressed his through a mysterious poem. I expressed mine through profane gibberish filled with bloodlust and indignant rage. What can I say? We lived in different eras.

I was right! I was right! I kinda feel like just writing that a bunch of times and calling it a day, but I am a gentleman and you expect more from me, like tales of half-naked werewolves wrestling with monkeys or of depressed vampires shotgunning giant bottles of Antifreeze. But while it is true that most werewolves eschew pants, and for some reason I feel compelled to tell you things like this on a regular basis, it is the Holiday season and that means that I am a busy man, whipping elves and putting the fear of The Great Willie Young into renegade reindeer and fucking Mrs. Claus before her drunkard husband, that fat fuck Santa, comes staggering through the door, reeking of cheap whiskey and grunting unintelligible nonsense as he lurches towards his horrified wife while his giant red clown pants slide down around his ankles and his fat fingers paw at the tiny red penis hidden in his vast folds of . . . Jesus! I’m so sorry. The point is, is that time is not on my side – it rarely is, and I generally work exceptionally fast since the gibberish just tends to pour out of me, but it’s even more of a pressing issue than normal – and therefore, well, this post may be a little abbreviated. For me anyway. Which of course means that it will still be loaded with nonsense, just not as much as it normally is. Some of you will be disappointed by this and some of you will be delighted but this is just the way of things, I’m afraid. We live in strange and terrible times and these things happen. Also, yes, I recognize the inherent absurdity of promising a Spartan (and not the Stanton Spartan or the Leonidas Spartan, although the term “Spartan” meaning ascetic and self-denying does come from the Leonidas Spartan, so . . . oh shit, I just heard a mighty voice bellow GET ON WITH IT.) post only to hit you with this avalanche of dumb gibberish, but it cannot be helped. Well, I suppose it could if I went back and actually edited and was a touch more thoughtful, but that is the way of the coward. We are on a motorcycle made of titanium and fire, fueled by plutonium, rocketing straight towards the sun and our faces are rippling thanks to the wind and G-Forces and so looking back is simply not an option. There is only forward, forward, forward and, well, here we go . . .

PREDICTION THE FIRST: Stanton will bounce back – for him anyway – and complete 15-28 passes for 195 yards, with 1 touchdown and 1 interception.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: Stanton completed 23-37 passes for 252 yards, with 1 touchdown and 0 interceptions. He did indeed bounce back and not just for him. I mean those numbers are pretty decent for just about any quarterback, which, honestly, is about as high a compliment as I can pay to Ol’ Plucky.

Stanton was good against the Buccaneers. He wasn’t great, but he was good. That’s a fine distinction that I think is kind of getting lost in the shuffle by overly enthusiastic fans but that’s a subject that I am saving for tomorrow. For now, let’s just all agree that Stanton played the best game that he played as a Detroit Lion. Cool? Cool.

Why did he play so well? That’s the question. It’s obvious that he has finally made some sort of progress as a player after rotting in the bowels of backup hell for the last few seasons and hey, that’s great. He’s more willing to just play within himself which means that he isn’t taking stupid risks or making dumb throws which lead to a whole bunch of Yakety Sax. Don’t get me wrong, that stuff is still there – witness most of the Packers game and that ugly ass play against the Buccaneers that saw Stanton hold the ball too long before he tried to do some sort of shitty underhanded thing that almost resulted in a terrible, terrible fumble – but these are coming further and further apart. When he accepts that he is just Drew Stanton, Backup Quarterback and not Ol’ Plucky, Grit King of the Midwest, he can actually be a functional football player.

But, he still can’t do it all on his own. Asking him to go out there and make plays is a recipe for a Hindenburg like disaster. Lots of Germans will die in flames while a radio announcer screams “Oh, the humanity!” and no one will ever trust that version of air travel ever again. Of course, no one cares about the Germans – they would have all probably turned out to be Nazis anyway, you know? – but still, no one trusts travel via a giant gas balloon and wow, this is just spinning in a pointless, asinine direction, isn’t it? I guess what I’m trying to say, in a ridiculous, ridiculous way, is that no one would ever trust Stanton’s arm again if it were turned loose and allowed to crash and burn on its own. Jesus. So much for this post being abbreviated, eh?

Anyway, what all that ridiculous nonsense was meant to lead up to is this: Stanton has found some measure of success this season because Scott Linehan has understood how to use him. He hasn’t just thrown Stanton out there and asked him to make plays that would end in wild, hilarious tragedy. Instead, he has called a safe – but varied – game that has allowed Stanton to get into a rhythm. Easy, safe throws. That’s all the coaches are asking Stanton to make and on Sunday, he largely came through. We didn’t see any deep bombs, no complicated routes, no over the shoulder catches that required pinpoint accuracy, just nice, safe ten yard pitches and catches. Receiver runs out, breaks off his route at the sticks, squares up, Stanton throws the ball, receiver catches it. Simple, easy, safe, effective. Keep the offense in rhythm, give Stanton manageable throws, hold your breath and hope that today, he is accurate enough to make them. That is the formula and Scott Linehan has done a heroic job the last couple of weeks making sure the team sticks to it.

Like I said, I’ll talk more about Stanton tomorrow (That vow I made last week sure didn’t last long, did it? Jesus. But like I said, the narrative has changed, and some people have gotten, uh, a little carried away. At this point, I kinda feel like Stanton is like Jason Vorhees. No matter how many times I think I’m done with him, he pops up wielding a machete and I have to fight him off again. And yes, you have no idea how badly I want to yammer on about how if you took Stanton’s facemask off, you’d find nothing but maggots, and man, I am having to try really, really hard to not take this in a really weird and wild direction. You have no idea. Okay, and . . . stop.) Okay, yeah, I will talk more about Stanton tomorrow, but for now, I think this will suffice: Stanton played well. I can’t take that away from him. I have to give him credit. But a lot of the credit also has to go to Scott Linehan and to the Lions offense as a whole. Without the running game working like it has been and without St. Calvin there to bail Ol’ Plucky out when he needed it the most, Stanton probably would have been forced to take a few risks, and then chances are good that we’d be talking about something completely different right now. Still, Stanton was good. Stanton was . . . good? Yes. There, I said it.

PREDICTION THE SECOND: No one player will run the ball more than 15 times for the Lions, but the Lions rushing attack as a whole will be effective, racking up 175 yards. Maurice Morris will be the team’s leading rusher with 45 yards.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: Well, no one player ran the ball more than 15 times for the Lions – Morris ran it 15 times on the nose – and the Lions rushing attack as a whole was effective, as the team ran for 181 yards. So as far as that goes, I was almost dead on with this prediction. I was wildly off on the second part though, since Morris ended up rushing for 109 yards, which just goes to show that I should always just quit while I’m ahead. But again, I’m on a motorcycle made of titanium and fire and all that ridiculous gibberish and well, I’ll ride that fucker straight into the sun if you let me. I’m sorry, I’m not making any damn sense. I mean, I’m making even less than usual, aren’t I? Fuck it. Let’s just all shake our heads and move on. Deal? Deal.

Anyway, Morris’ performance was the key to the game for the Lions offense. Not only did he have several key runs – especially in overtime – which gave the Lions the chance to actually win the damn game, his effectiveness allowed Linehan to call those manageable throws for Stanton. Had Morris been getting stuffed at the line or gotten thrown back for a loss, then Stanton would have been forced to press and the whole damn thing would have broken down and there would be chaos and blood in the streets and some crazed Lions fan, out of his mind on a cocktail of losing and spiced rum, would have commandeered that stupid cannon they have down there in Tampa and then shit really would have gotten out of hand. But it didn’t and therefore such things only exist in the strange corners of my brain that would probably make even Freud go mad and start fondling cigars and whimpering about his mother and, fuck, I am completely out of control today, aren’t I?

The point, I guess, is that none of that even had a chance of happening (Just humor me and pretend that it would have had things gone differently, okay?) because Maurice Morris did his job and did it well. That shouldn’t be that surprising. I mean, Morris has done an effective job in the past doing exactly what he did against Tampa Bay on Sunday. When he was with Seattle, he filled in admirably for Shaun Alexander and showed that he could get it done when given the chance. And since he has been in Detroit, he has always run well when given the ball. You can go back and look at what I wrote last year. After the season was over, I talked about how much I liked Morris. Nothing has really changed this year. For some weird reason, Morris was hardly used early in the season. The team has turned to him now that they really don’t have much of a choice and he has been very, very solid. It’s no coincidence that the increase in his playing time coincides with the Lions running game rising from the dead.

Of course, that has also led to a lot of hand wringing over Jahvid Best. I mean, the dude only rushed for 12 yards on 6 carries, numbers which look even worse when you realize that he had one 14 yard run, which means that his other 5 carries went for -2 yards. That’s appalling. But sadly, those are the kinds of numbers we have kinda come to expect from Best this season. I think most people were willing to live with it and weren’t that worried because no one was running the ball well, and hey, it’s always easy to shit on the Lions offensive line. But Morris’ surge has made Best’s numbers look even worse by comparison. The difference just in the stats is both vast and stark. But even more troubling was watching Morris and Best run the exact same plays and then seeing Morris break them for 4 or 5 yards while Best gets destroyed for 1 or 2 yard losses.

It would be ridiculous to say that Morris is a better running back than Best, but . . . well, right now, Morris is a better running back than Best. He’s not more talented, but for whatever reason, he’s a better runner right now. But what is that reason? Well, for starters, there is the dreaded Turf Toe, which has plagued Best on both feet almost the entire season. The Turf Toe has robbed him of much of his explosiveness, which, let’s face it, is the biggest thing he brings to the table. Without that, he’s just a smallish dude who doesn’t run through tackles. Not so good. But even more than that, I think that Best has become just a touch tentative. If you watch him run, he doesn’t hit the hole with much conviction and there is just an ever so slight delay, a delay which is enough for whatever hole may have been there to close up and for defenders to pounce on him at or behind the line of scrimmage. I think that tentativeness is a mental thing that was born because of two things: one, because of his injuries and two, because he’s a rookie. Ty of The Lions in Winter wrote a piece after interviewing Best that was enlightening. In it, Best admits to having hit a rookie wall, which sapped him mentally and which he believed caused him to slow down. But more than that rookie wall, I think that Best has become tentative because he doesn’t have an identity right now. Without his explosiveness, what is he? He’s not exactly sure how to run and it’s obvious whenever he has the ball. Watch Morris run. He hits the hole and he doesn’t stop. He just goes. There’s no thought, no delay, just action. Watch Best. He hits the hole, stutter steps and then he’s tackled. You can see him thinking. You can see him processing. And that’s what always ends up betraying him.

In the end, I think that Best will be fine. His Turf Toe injuries are just one of those things, you know? Give him an offseason to heal and his explosiveness will be back. In retrospect, he probably should have sat out a couple of games early in the season, but that’s a tough decision to make and he went a different way, which is something else he talks about in Ty’s piece. He’s still the future at running back for the Lions. The key for him is to just get healthy and to run with confidence. I think once he gets healthy, the confidence will follow and then we’ll see the running back we saw against the Eagles more and more, which means that the offense as a whole will have a chance to be damn near unstoppable.

PREDICTION THE THIRD: St. Calvin will catch only 4 passes for 85 yards because Stanton will struggle to get him the ball. He will have one huge catch which will be crucial to the outcome of the game.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: St. Calvin caught 10 passes for 152 yards. Obviously, I was wrong. Stanton did get St. Calvin the ball and he did so regularly. This was because Stanton was, for once, accurate. If you’ll remember last week, against the Packers, the Lions tried to get St. Calvin the ball early, but Stanton turfed a couple of passes and it became quickly clear that the GET CALVIN THE DAMN BALL strategy was a recipe for disaster. This week, Stanton put the ball on the money and really, that was the difference.

I know it sounds simple, but it’s true. That was the difference. It wasn’t the game plan, which is what most people want to attribute it to. They want to blame Linehan for not getting Calvin the ball last week, but really, like I said, they tried. Stanton just couldn’t do it. This week he could and that was the difference. I have said that several times already but I want to hammer it home. That was the difference.

Obviously, in a perfect world, St. Calvin would get the ball just like he did against the Buccaneers. I’m fine with that. That’s great. But that requires a quarterback who can actually get him the damn ball. The problem has not been a lack of St. Calvin in the game plan. No, no, no. Just, no. I’ve talked about this a lot this season and so I won’t rehash the same old bullshit this time around, mostly because I have already hilariously failed in keeping this post reasonably short, but I will say this: You can’t force things. Not in the NFL. You have to let everything unfold within the game itself. And by that, I mean that if the opportunity is there, you have to take it. That’s what good teams do. You can’t get desperate and try to force it. Otherwise, you end up with Ol’ Plucky staggering off the field after his 18^th interception of the game. Last week against the Packers, it wasn’t there, mostly because Stanton was a rancid pile of butts. This week, against Tampa Bay, it was there and the Lions milked that shit for all it was worth.

For the most part, the Lions have had success this season working underneath while St. Calvin draws the coverage deeper down field and then targeting St. Calvin in the red zone when the field becomes compressed and St. Calvin’s size, strength and hands become enormous weapons. St. Calvin has been an integral part of the game plan – really, he’s been the most important part of the game plan – all season. People don’t understand this. Even when he’s not getting the ball, he’s the dude around whom the whole thing is built. Again, I have talked about this a million times this season and I touched on it at the beginning of this paragraph and so I won’t hammer it home again even though I kind of want to. The Lions have used St. Calvin very effectively this season and I believe this very strongly. I know I am in the vast, vast minority here and some of you will call me an idiot, if only in your own brains, but that’s cool. We can discuss this all later. For now, let’s just all be happy that the Lions took advantage of the opportunities that were there against the Bucs and accordingly, St. Calvin had a monster day.

If anything, the numbers, great as they are, don’t even reflect how important St. Calvin was against Tampa Bay. If he doesn’t play out of his mind, the Lions don’t win that game. He was called upon over and over again to make a big catch for the Lions and the Bucs just couldn’t stop him. He was always there when Stanton needed him and to his credit, Stanton managed to get the ball to him. Sure, some of those grit balls took an agonizingly long time to get to St. Calvin, but our man always pulled them in and saved Stanton’s ass in the process. But even more than that, St. Calvin made the huge plays that inferior receivers just don’t make, plays which were the difference in the outcome of the game. As the 4^th quarter was winding down and the Lions were driving for the game tying field goal, St. Calvin made a huge catch along the sideline on an overthrown ball, got his feet down and gave the Lions a chance to not only tie the game, but go for the win. Sure, they had to settle for the field goal, but that was enough to get them to overtime. St. Calvin made that possible. And then in overtime, St. Calvin made a ridiculous catch, a twisting grab on the sideline that saw him come down on his tiptoes inbounds like Michael fucking Jackson. It was a catch which clinched the game, as a few plays later, Dave Rayner jogged onto the field and kicked the field goal that exploded the past and made Matt Millen irrelevant from now on. St. Calvin made that happen. ST. CALVIN MADE THAT HAPPEN. Let’s never forget that.

PREDICTION THE FOURTH: Josh Freeman will throw for 265 yards on 22-36 passing with 1 touchdown and 2 interceptions. He will be sacked 6 times.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: Freeman threw for 251 yards on 21-32 passing with 1 touchdown. Again, I should have quit while I was ahead because Freeman threw 0 interceptions. He was sacked 3 times and probably would have been sacked at least 6 times if he wasn’t the size of a mutant water buffalo, but he is and that’s what almost cost the Lions the game.

At one point, when it looked like the same ol’ bullshit was about to play out, I considered titling my postgame piece “I Hate You, Josh Freeman”, and that was because over and over and over again, the Lions killed the play dead only to see Freeman muscle his way out of the grasp of a defender and blindly throw up a prayer that was answered again and again and again. It was ridiculous. On every scoring drive the Bucs had, the Lions had killed them dead. But Freeman would always manage to make a miraculous play to keep the drive going. It was incredibly, incredibly frustrating to watch. I think those drives may have been the most frustrating things I have watched as a Lions fan all season. I’m serious. They were drives that just utterly destroyed my patience. I was left quaking with stupid rage and gibbering like a lunatic. It’s one thing to watch your team get beat because they are simply inept. It is quite another to see your team kill a play only to see it ripped away from them because the other team’s quarterback keeps doing something ridiculous.

I was impressed with Freeman. Very impressed. He just has that Favreian playmaker streak in him, you know? Yeah, yeah, I apologize for bringing up He Who Shall Not Be Named, but damn, that’s what kept popping into my head while I was watching Freeman Houdini his way out of one hopeless situation after another.

But take Freeman out of that equation and the Lions defensive line was once again pretty damn dominant against the Bucs. They ended up with 3 sacks, and like I said, they should have had several more. Against just about any other quarterback, they would have. And again, those sacks came from the entire line, and not just one dude. Cliff Avril, Turk McBride and Lawrence Jackson just embarrassed the Tampa Bay tackles, particularly Donald Penn, who pretty much melted down on the field after getting beaten a million different times. And in the middle, Ndamukong Suh, Corey Williams and Sammie Hill all raised hell. These dudes are playing at a ridiculously high level right now, and they are just going to eat quarterbacks alive for a long time. Chad Henne is probably watching game film right now, as I write this, and he is probably shaking his head, burying that head in his hands and then just groaning “No, no, no!” over and over and over again while Jake Long pats him on the shoulder and whispers in his ear “Hush, now, everything’s gonna be alright.” And then their eyes meet, and . . . okay, I’ll stop. The point is, is that the Lions pass rush is devastating and it’s for real and I think everyone knows it now. This is the obvious strength of the defense. We’ve known that all along, but as the season goes on, it just seems to get stronger and stronger and more and more players keep getting added to the mix. At the beginning of the season, it was Suh and Vanden Bosch. Now it’s everybody. Even the backups are dominant. Lawrence Jackson and Turk McBride have been killing dudes the last couple of weeks and they are the B team! And shit, The Great Willie Young still hasn’t even gotten in on the act. These dudes are ridiculous in all the best ways and I love them dearly. I love them so much that I would [redacted due to gross indecency.] You may think I should be embarrassed by that, but fuck that, I am not afraid or ashamed because I am a gentleman and a warrior of light and that kind of man on man love is cool because I say it is.

So there.

PREDICTION THE FIFTH: The Bucs will struggle to run the ball and after the game Ndamukong Suh will ceremonially eat LeGarrette Blount’s heart at midfield.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: Uh, well, the Bucs ran for 176 yards on 28 carries for an average of 6.3 yards per carry, so . . . fuck. Yes. So fuck. I was wrong about this one. The Bucs ran the ball very well and very effectively, mirroring the Lions own success on the ground. In fact, the final numbers were almost identical. Both teams ran the ball 28 times. The only difference was the Lions gained 5 more yards. What’s even odder is that the two quarterbacks had nearly identical games – at least statistically – which means that in both phases of the game offensively, the two teams were almost exactly the same.

Of course, stats can lie. They often do and this week was no exception. How the teams arrived at those staggeringly similar numbers was completely different. Stanton made a lot of safe, easy throws. Freeman scrambled and broke free of monster pass rushers and made a lot of circus plays. The Buccaneers defensive line failed to put decent pressure on Stanton and the Lions picked the Bucs defense apart. The Lions defensive line ate up the Bucs offensive line and forced Freeman to make plays. To say that these two defenses played roughly the same on Sunday would be just ridiculously wrong.

This is how it played out in the running game too. Maurice Morris continually sliced through the Bucs defensive line before being dropped by safeties and linebackers. LeGarrette Blount on the other hand was frequently stonewalled only to break shitty tackles by the Lions linebackers and safeties, particularly on his touchdown run towards the end of the second half, an uber-frustrating 39 yard run that saw almost every Lions defender in the back 7 whiff on a tackle. It was awful.

That explains the incongruity between the Lions dominance rushing the passer and their general shittyness against the run. One would think that if a defense was able to chew up the offensive line and get to the passer every damn play then they should also be able to stuff the run. The only problem is that stuffing the run requires your linebackers and safeties to actually finish the play. The Lions linebacker and safeties really, really struggled to do this. Too many times, Blount was hit at the line only to crawl forward for several more yards because the Lions linebackers and safeties couldn’t bring him down. And too many times, the Lions let Blount turn a 7-8 yard run into a 20+ yarder. In fact, of Blount’s 110 yards rushing, over half of them came on two runs – the 39 yarder late in the first half and on another long run which saw the Lions miss a billion tackles in the 4^th quarter. That is not the story of a defensive line failing to control the line of scrimmage. It is a story of a defensive line doing its job and the linebackers and safeties behind them fucking up.

All year long, people have expressed their disappointment with Louis Delmas. He just hasn’t been the playmaking machine he looked like he was last year as a rookie. The problem, of course, is that Delmas has been playing injured this entire season and will probably need surgery on his groin after the season. You try running with even a slightly pulled groin. It is painful and frustrating as hell. All you can do is sort of grit your teeth and limp as fast as you can. That’s what Delmas has had to do all season long.

That explains his lack of explosive plays this season. But on Sunday, we got a valuable reminder that even though he hasn’t been able to be a playmaking machine this season, he is still absolutely vital to the Lions defense. When Delmas couldn’t gut it out anymore and had to leave the game, that’s when the Lions run defense started to shit the bed. John Wendling is a great special teams player, but he just simply doesn’t have the athleticism or explosiveness of even a half-injured Delmas and it was obvious whenever Blount managed to drag a tackler for a few extra yards or on those couple of plays where he broke free and made the secondary look like shit. Louis Delmas keeps those plays at 7-8 yards. Without him, they turn into 39 yard touchdowns.

Next season, Delmas should be 100% and I think we’re all going to see him develop into an absolute beast at safety. Not only will he be the ultimate weapon against the run, he’ll also add those big, explosive plays back into his game. This game against the Bucs was a stark reminder of just how good Louis Delmas is, even if he isn’t making those big, explosive plays this season. Sometimes, you only realize what you’ve got when it’s gone. That is a terrible cliché, hackneyed and deplorable, but fuck it, it’s also very, very true in this case and this post has ended up being even longer than usual and so I guess a cliché is as good a way as any to close such a sorry debacle. What is wrong with me? I said this would be short and I guess to Tolstoy it is, but 5,000 words later, I’m not sure what happened. Fuck it, maybe this means I’m destined to write the American version of Anna Karenina. Who knows? Wait, Anna Karenina had werewolves and time traveling immortals, right? RIGHT???

WHAT I SAID FOR THE PREDICTED FINAL SCORE: PREDICTED FINAL SCORE: LIONS 17, BUCCANEERS 14. THE STREAK ENDS IN TAMPA, BECAUSE THIS IS THE WAY THINGS LIKE THIS HAPPEN – RANDOMLY AND WITHOUT REASON. THE FUTURE MAY NOT HAVE BEGUN BUT ON SUNDAY, THE PAST DIES, ONCE AND FOR ALL.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: LIONS 23, BUCCANEERS 20. The streak ended and “We are the Champions” by Queen is playing in my head because I fucking nailed this shit. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to headbang with Freddie Mercury and no, that’s not a euphemism. Or is it??? I hope not, because Freddie is dead and despite what you might think, I am not a necrophiliac. Also, I don’t want to get AIDS. Somehow, that feels like the only appropriate way to end this clusterfuck of a post and so all that’s left to say is Vaya con Dios, Freddie, Vaya con Dios, friendos, and Vaya con Dios, Neil’s sanity. We will all meet again one day.