In the wasteland that is our lives as fans of this idiot
football, it becomes increasingly clear that I am the only person you can count
on as I smoked Vegas with an 11-2 record last week. I am the top guy out here now,
breaking thumbs and digging graves for any idiot who runs afoul of me. I have
broken your NFL machine and now I am just rolling in all of the money that is
due to me through my wizardry. But I am just a humble man, and if I could share
it all with you I would, but I can’t because no one ever gives me the fucking
money even when I am here slaving for you and guiding you to success, both
professionally and at home and in the bedroom.
You are all stacks of money to me, and I will eat you all up, so just
sit back, relax, and get fat with money thanks to my proven system to beat the
fuckers who hold all the goddamn money.
Washington (+14) at Minnesota
Baby Jay Gruden is out in Washington, and he’ll probably
have to slither to his father’s side in the Vegas desert which I have just told
you I claimed as my own. This is not good for them because I will not have
their kind stinking up my beautiful desert. Just bury old man Al Davis here and
get the fuck out of town. Anyway, that is what’s going on with the Washington
football team, named after a racial slur, and it’s no wonder they are pissing
away this season at 1-6. Meanwhile, Kirk Cousins grows fat on the Failure
Demons of others, and he is the sort of goon who is poisoning Washington the
city, the capital, the concept of America itself. It’s no good man, no good at
all. And in these blown out streets, with MAGA hats flying free in the breeze,
it’s hard to see the good guys winning, and in this game there are no good
guys, just a shitty football team that will be blown out by a goddamn fascist
nightmare in Kirk Cousins. Fuck him, and fuck everything he represents. I will
see him in hell.
Pick: Minnesota
Tampa Bay (+2.5) at Tennessee
The Titans have a shitty offense but a killer defense, and
the Bucs have a bombs away offense but a shit defense, so this is certainly an
interesting matchup that will probably come down to the Bucs offense against
the Titans defense, and in that battle nothing good can come of it. It’s either
back the crab leg thief Jameis Winston, who is also a suspected rapist, or get
behind the white trash of Tennessee, who are just waiting to drag us all down
into a hell from which there is no escape. In these strange and terrible times,
it helps to keep calm and get your wits about you, and it also helps to say
fuck the Bucs, and roll with Tennessee because we’re all just white trash
shitheads stinking this planet up. Fuck everyone, especially ourselves.
Pick: Tennessee
LA Chargers (+5.5) at Chicago
Things haven’t exactly gone to plan for both of these teams
as the Chargers flounder in the AFC West in a city that doesn’t give the
slightest of shits about them, and the Bears sink into the morass of the NFC North,
their defense on point, but another shitty offense and Trubisky meltdowns point
to a bleak future. I don’t know what to tell you other than I’m sorry that we’re
even in this mess to begin with. Nobody gets out of this alive, everybody dies,
and the Chicago Bears are at least waiting there to maul you into infinite
pain. I don’t know what awaits Philip Rivers here in Valhalla, but it is likely
more painful than a bear mauling because that dude is cursed and nobody cares
about his goddamn football team as coyotes stalk the streets of LA at night, howling
at the edge of the world. There’s no place left to go other than the great
ocean, and the great ocean doesn’t care bout you and this is where you die.
Pick: Chicago
Seattle (-3.5) at Atlanta
I don’t know what ghosts the Atlanta Falcons offended when
they were up 28-3 on the Patriots and Tom Brady, ready to be crowned new kings
over a dying emperor, but they surely must have fucked with the wrong spirits
because they have eaten nothing but shit since that fateful moment. The Falcons
are a doomed team, a cursed team, a team that offended the wrong Spirit
Warriors here in Valhalla, and that is just a sad fact of life. I feel bad for
my boys Adrian, the fake Larry King and my pal Andy, who just want their
Falcons to get right with God, but there is no salvation to be found here. They
fucked with the wrong ghosts and now they are doomed to suffer in a hell that
no mortal man can comprehend. Say a prayer for your Falcon fan friends, and then
wash your hands clean of them.
Pick: Seattle
NY Jets (+4) at Jacksonville
Pick: Your favorite Fred Durst moment
Philadelphia (+1.5) at Buffalo
Buffalo cruising along at 5-1 is pretty shocking, isn’t it?
The Eagles at 3-4 is less a surprise as this is the sort of janky place the
Eagles always find themselves in. It really is a hideous city, Philly, and who
knows what foul bullshit goes through there to prop up their dirty birds. Then
you have sweet innocent Buffalo, a dying town, a snowed in city with a bear of
a defense and something sorta functional offensively. A lot of American history
has gone down in between Philadelphia and Buffalo, a lot of wild and ridiculous
shit that has led to where we are today. This is the heartbeat of America, and
it is all fucked up and noisy, and that’s the way it’s always been. The Liberty
Bell is cracked, which is a metaphor for our American existence, and the
streets of Buffalo are always snowed in, which is another metaphor I suppose,
one suggesting that we are suffocating in our own ridiculousness because this
is a ridiculous country, peopled by folks the rest of the world didn’t want
anything to do with, and in this stupid nation we have formed an idiotic
identity which is somehow noble and heartbreaking at the same time. We are the
unwanted, the unloved, the poor and the broken, and you can see it all in
Philly or Buffalo or Detroit or any of these broken cities which reflect our
own hideous hearts, broken and trembling under the eternal light of heaven. I
don’t know what I’m babbling about either, but that is what being an American
is all about, just fucking up and breaking shit until you stumble upon something
beautiful. Is that something beautiful likely to be found in a football game
between Philadelphia and Buffalo? Probably not, but this is where OJ ran before
he became what he is today which is a dude who hangs out on twitter like the
rest of us, including our dunce of a president, in this surreal nightmare we
have made for ourselves. OJ and Donald and all of us, and this is the essence
of America and fuck it, let’s ride this goddamn bomb like Slim Pickens all the
way down to the dark heart of it all.
Pick: Buffalo
Cincinnati (+9) at LA Rams
The Rams are scuffling a bit, but the Bengals have surrendered
the season already, so fuck them and fuck all of us I suppose. Somewhere in LA
tonight, something bad is happening, and also in LA tonight there is magic
being made, and here on the edge of the world, in the place where everyone rolls
down to, running from the past to a future and an ocean that promises to take
all the pain away, there is the aching need of America. The faces are more
brown than white around here now, which is a good thing, a return to what was
once the natural way of things before the pink fascists took over, and LA is an
idea that speaks to the entirety of who we are as Americans. It is the essence
of us, the place where all of our dreams can come true, the place where we can
finally stop moving after being thrown out of every other corner of the earth,
and it is all blonde hair and muscles and big titties here in Paradise City, but
we all know that it’s a jungle too and you’re gonna die. And the Bengals know
this and they have already conceded it, and now all that’s left is to listen to
the sound of those damn coyotes howling, singing the news that the forests are
all burning and it is a wildfire of a future, a wildfire that is our hearts and
a wildfire that is the essence of America.
Pick: LA Rams
Arizona (+7.5) at New Orleans
Arizona is surviving if not thriving with Kyler Murray
pulling the trigger for them. And now they take their plastic desert existence
into the heart of Louisiana, into good ol’ New Orleans where my boy Heinie
resides, and where they have taken to Teddy Bridgewater as Drew Brees rots on
the sidelines, injured and half forgotten already. This is the future of our
great idiot country, two black quarterbacks representing two disparate points
of view on how life should be lived, one repping the plasticized falseness of
the New Americanism found in the Phoenix desert. But this Phoenix will not
rise, it will just stay dead, poisoning the world for everyone else. Meanwhile,
New Orleans is thriving behind Teddy Bridgewater, a city alive with the hopes
and dreams of real ass people who want to live real ass lives. I am descended
from the dudes who founded the lovely city of New Orleans, and it makes me
happy whenever this Spirit Warrior of a city rises up and shows everyone that
America doesn’t have to be so plastic or depressing or blown out at the edge of
the world. It just needs to breathe and party and let the good times roll. We’re
all gonna be alright, we just have to love each other and maybe flash some
titties now and again.
Pick: New Orleans
Oakland (+6.5) at Houston
The Raiders are stumbling along even though they have one of
the league’s worst defenses and it is only a matter of time before it all goes
bad and Harpo is lighting Mark Davis’ wig on fire and graves are being dug in
the Vegas desert in anticipation for the horror show that is the Raiders coming
to town. Once they hit that city, it’s going to be an orgy of trash. The spirit
of Kenny Stabler looks down at all of this and wants in on the action, but
Vegas is too fucked up even for him and so he has to just hang out on the Gulf
fishing with The Great Willie Young, Spirit Warriors together forever. This is
all going to end badly for the Raiders and the wheels will come tumbling off
sooner rather than later and assorted Grudens and Davises will just be so much
pinatas in the night, waiting to be broken open and gorged on by vampires in
the desert, the place where the American Nightmare died. This is bat country,
and a bad country, and here everybody dies.
Pick: Houston
Carolina (+6.5) at San Francisco
Carolina is surviving without Cam Newton, leaning on
Christian McCaffrey to make everything alright with a surprise top 5 offense.
The 49ers, meanwhile, are undefeated thanks to a nasty defense and a strong
running game, and it is a miracle that they have finally come out of the weeds
that entangled them post Harbaugh. It is
crazy that Cam Newton isn’t really a factor here, and it sucks because the NFL
and the world needs crazy people like Cam Newton, Ric Flair devotees who just
want to fuck the world and maybe eat a little ass on the side. The boring nerds
over in the Silicon Valley will cheer for their 49ers, who will always be a
team frozen in time around Joe Montana and Jerry Rice and Steve Young and
Ronnie Lott and Roger Craig and all the dudes who made the 49ers the team of
the gods once upon a time. This is a different sort of California cool, one
that will dust you and snort you like the finest cocaine, which is something
that Ric Flair knows a lot about, and so it is fitting that the Carolina
Panthers, with their Ric Flair essence accompanying them make their way to the
left coast where the rides last all night long and where there are a bunch of Chinese
people just waiting to be explored by Slick Ric’s big dick. I don’t know how
long he can hold out or how long San Francisco can take him before the whole
thing falls apart, but what the hell, let’s all just get buck naked and fuck.
Pick: San Francisco
Denver (+5) at Indianapolis
Denver continues to struggle along under the leadership of
favorite son John Elway, while the Colts continue to try to recover from Andrew
Luck abandoning them on the eve of this new season of NFL football. The Colts
are doing alright, as Frank Reich has the offense mostly on track behind Jacoby
Brissett, but the Broncos are not doing alright and it is only a matter of time
before John Elway gets run out of that mile high city, thrown down the mountains
that once claimed the Donner Party which we all know and remember from our Oregon
Trail schooldays. Wait, they had the Donner Party in that game, didn’t they?
Just me? Okay, fine. But what’s important to remember is that those people ate
each other and John Elway is about to be eaten alive by his own. Meanwhile, the
people of Indiana are the epicenter of the MAGA movement, a hideous state filled
with Klansmen and shit people too wrong for even Ohio. Indiana is the worst
place in the whole fucking world, a nasty piece of business that should just be
dynamited and turned into a sixth great lake. What does any of this have to do
with football? Who fucking cares, man. There is something more important at
stake here. We’re fighting for our souls in this godforsaken country, and
Indiana is the front line in that fight. I hate it and you should too, but it
still has a better football team than the one John Elway has put together.
Pick: Indianapolis
Cleveland (+11) at New England
Man, make it stop for my dude Baker Mayfield who has seen
his Spirit Warrior insides crushed in the horror show of Cleveland Browns
football. And now he has to be fed to the goddamn machine that is the New England
Patriots who are first in the league in offense and first in the league on
defense, all piloted by a team of sociopaths too cruel and evil to understand.
The American Psycho quarterback and the bedraggled serial killer coach are on
another level. They have conquered the NFL time and again, and will continue
doing so as long as the machine keeps humming along. Tom Brady is ageless, a
vampire god who has obliterated the essence of anything human inside of him in
order to win and win and win and win and never stop winning. Bill Belichick is
a savage beast with no love in his heart who feeds puppies into the machine and
drinks their blood and stares with cold dead eyes upon all of America. This is
patriotism at its finest, at its basest cutthroat level of existence. There is
nothing good to be found here. Just pure carnage of the soul, a great reaping,
a harvesting of everything good and true, processed and sent through the
machine to become the Patriot Way. Baker Mayfield is a fly that has been caught
in that machine’s web, but the sick thing is that the killer spiders here don’t
even need to feed on him. They can just toy with him, break him, and then
discard him for Gisele and her she beasts to devour when it is all done. This
is America, pal, and it is looking at you with a rictus grin and it will eat
your heart and your soul and everything good about you.
Pick: New England
Green Bay (+4) at Kansas City
Poor Patrick Mahomes has been broken, ruined by NFL football
like every other golden god before him. And now the devil comes calling and the
devil gets what he wants from the broken people of the Kansas and Missouri way
of living. Aaron Rodgers has his Packers atop the NFC North yet again, and the
Chiefs are at a crossroads with their precious Mahomes ruined, and this is a
savage situation and there will be blood and the devil will bathe in that blood
and he will continue to stalk this earth breaking us one by one in his eternal
war with God. What can Matt Moore or Kyle Shurmur do against such a beast, such
an inevitability that is the devil, this hell made real on earth? Nothing. That
is what, and so they will suffer like we all suffer and the devil will roam
free on our hearts and in our souls and in our minds all across America, this
accursed country of Failure Demons and the wretched, the unwanted, the detritus
of all other cultures. This is the devil’s playground and we are his favorites because
we are vile and ruined, and this is where the devil makes his stand and this is
where God and Jesus will not walk. This is the devil’s playground and everybody
dies here and we are all in hell and that’s just the way that it is.
Pick: Green Bay
Miami (+16) at Pittsburgh
The Steelers season was ruined when the rapist Ben
Roethlisberger went down for the count. And the Dolphins season was ruined when
they decided to field a team this year. It hasn’t gone well for Josh Rosen or
for Ryan Fitzpatrick, who should just take his Harvard degree and get drunk with
the ghost of Kenny Stabler and The Great Willie Young as they fish their days
away. I don’t know what else to say here other than the Dolphins are straight
fucked and probably aren’t getting up from the canvas any time soon. They are
damn near last in almost everything and are probably playing for a lottery
ticket now, just like so much of us are in this ridiculous country. We are all
just one scratch off away from getting the hell out of this place, but until
then we’re doomed to suffer here like the Dolphins, who can’t even win when a
rapist goes down. That is life in America in 2019, and I am Neil, and I am out.
Pick: Pittsburgh
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