Fuck It

In the outhouse that is our lives as fans of the Detroit Lions, we have to make certain choices to save our fraying sanity, and that’s what I did on Sunday as I spent the day with my dad instead of watching this decrepit team. As one who so often makes poor choices, it was nice to make a good choice for a change, as I celebrated the day of my birth by getting a new bicycle like I was six years old instead of watching the Lions get Cousined as their 6-0 dreams slip into a 2-3-1 morass from which they will never escape and we have been here before, my dudes and lady dudes.

So, anyway, my new bike is pretty cool. It is a Mongoose Torment for whatever that is worth, I am not really an expert in these things as a bike is a bike is a bike to me, I guess, but it is nice to have a new one that I can make poor choices with and eventually get jacked for by local hooligans who will leave me crying for my daddy. It is certainly much cooler than whatever befell the Lions against the Vikings on Sunday. Like I said, I didn’t watch the game. I did watch highlights which were presented as sort of a narrative of the game, so I got the essence of the whole ordeal, which is that once again we find ourselves being crushed beneath the wheel that is being a fan of these Detroit Lions. It is all that we know and I guess at least it means I don’t have to pretend to like Matt Patricia and Bob Quinn.

I just want to ride my bike and not have to think about the ways this goddamn team has abused me over the years, but it really isn’t them so much as a confluence of factors, like shoddy officiating or devils making pacts with Failure Demons or the whole NFL fascist stink of it all poisoning anything that could ever be good about any of it. Even if the Lions do win and do the unthinkable like winning the Super Bowl, it all ends in a bloated night of capitalist greed in the form of grotesque advertisements spread out over a monolithic nightmare of a night capped off by an agent of hell like Roger Goodell handing over a trophy to an old lady whose family once supported Hitler and a Patriot Way which involves being characters in a Bret Easton Ellis novel, and the whole thing is just gross and unpleasant and lol that’s the best case dream scenario.

Of course, we’ll never live to even get that Orwellian nightmare of a “dream”, and so it is back to the mud and being shit upon by cows who are then slaughtered by the world to consume. We are just waste for the universe, and it is pointless to pretend otherwise.

I will be damned, though, if I am to give any credit to the Kirk Cousins of the world for their part in our eternal suffering. He is an abomination, an affront to man and common decency and I will not have it. And yet, it is dudes like him who thrive in this corrupt wasteland of the soul. And it is dudes like me who are doomed to suffer, martyred heroes left wailing in the afterbirth of existence. So fuck Kirk Cousins and fuck the Vikings and fuck Sundays spent caring about any of this when there are new bicycles to be had and days with the old dad who will not die and who we have forgiven for a myriad of tragedies over the years such as abandonment and general emotional chaos.

Forgiveness is a good thing, but it is tough to forgive anyone involved with the constant Lions of it all that has got us crucified here as fans, sacrifices to a God for a world that doesn’t deserve it, hanging here as Roman guards stab at us and our own people jeer and throw shit at our hanging bodies. This is life as a fan of the Detroit Lions and after a few days we will arise again to play out the whole tragicomic ordeal once again.

So, I don’t know what else to tell you other than it is good to forgive your dad and to spend the day with him and get new bicycles like a six year old. And it is bad to waste time and thought on these Detroit Lions and the myriad Failure Demons that accompany them and the Fascist Overlords of the NFL who oversee our spiritual torment and hellish torture, our Sisyphean existence, a nightmare of a reality too bleak to ever contemplate without going utterly mad.

I don’t know who to blame anymore other than ourselves for ever pretending it could be anything different, but we have been here before and we will be here again because we are too goddamn dumb and stubborn to save ourselves from this madness. All we have to do is turn away and it is new bicycles for everyone. But we won’t and that’s our fault and fuck it, we get what we deserve I guess.

It would be nice to believe that it could be different, that we would somehow win out and get to win a Super Bowl stripped of its soul taking greed, but that is a world that doesn’t exist except as a fantasy and it is pointless to waste time and energy hoping for it. And so we have to accept that tainted dream as the best we can hope for, pretend that our souls are not being fed through a killing machine and get fucked up and scream pointless obscenities at the field or at our TV as we waste emotional energy on this whole farce. But that is what we do because we are fans of the Detroit Lions and what the fuck, at least it beats being fans of Kirk Cousins and his ilk, or the devil himself and his cheesehead cohort.

So, I leave you with that to think about as we stare out like Fitzgeraldian characters towards a future that only promises more of the same, too dumb to understand that we can just turn away from it all if we want, but we won’t because there is always a Daisy to be chased and this is just what it means to be human, a tragic thing, an eternal figure who will never know any better or who will never accept anything less than a constant pining for something more, for something better than we ever deserved as upjumped idiots in love with the idea of love itself. It as all we have as fans of these Detroit Lions, and fuck it, it could be worse I guess. I mean, I don’t see how, but fuck it. Yes, that’s all I have for you. Fuck it. I'm gonna ride my new bike.