Alright, so I went 10-5 or 10-4 or whatever the fuck last
week, which means that I am just running game on all those Vegas fucks. Listen
to me or don’t, I don’t give a fuck, just know that I am smarter than everyone
and also that I have a nice dick. Worship me, you plebeian fucks, worship me
and I will graciously let you do it. In this age of lizard demigods and poor
choices, choose me because I am invincible, I am always right and I will rule
this fucking earth with or without you in it. I am Krishna, I am Neil, and I am
the most powerful person you will ever know. There are games to be won and
games to be lost, but they hardly matter next to my magnificence. Lick my feet
you curs, my adoring faithful. Lick my feet and know that I am a just god, and
that in my light you will all get salvation or at least really high as fuck, I’m
talking full-on Chong here, man. We should all aspire to be Chong, even if most
of us have a little too much Cheech in us. Let’s all be Chong and worship me
and reward me with praise and all of your money, especially if you are a money
mark who just needs someone to throw cash at. You can’t own me but you can sure
as fuck give me what I deserve, especially because I am helping you make money
this football season with my faultless Metaphysics analysis of this football
season. Give me money, drugs or sex, I don’t care which, but you will give me
something. If I don’t get 10 I love yous in the comments I will just die. I
need it all, man. I need to feel your embrace as we find ourselves in the heart
of autumn, as we voyage together through this thing called life. Tell your
friends and loved ones, tell everyone, about me and love me the fuck up already
because I am lonely and sad and heartsick and I need to be raptured in your
collective embrace. This is not a joke, this is very real and I love you all
too.
San Francisco (-7) at Arizona
Speaking of loving, it’s about time I take a minute and show
the love the 49ers who have finally woken up from their Harbaugh hangover to do all the
things he knows and loves, with a kickass running game and a strong defense
bulldozing people right now. Seriously, they are just crushing everyone right now,
2nd in the league in points given up, 3rd in points scored.
They have the 2nd best rushing attack in the league, and the best
overall defense. It starts and ends with the running game here, where the 49ers
make their hay and I don’t see anyone slowing it up anytime soon. Certainly not
the Arizona Cardinals, who are not abject failures this season, riding Kyler
Murray for whatever he’s worth, but they are not about to rise up and stop
whatever the fuck the 49ers are doing right now. This ends badly for them, and
I guess it’s time to get behind the 49ers again, who just won’t die, they just
keep being reborn and in ways that run counter to the rest of the league. This
is who you want to emulate. It is not Jim Harbaugh’s team anymore, but this is
his way and when it works, it’s a beautiful thing. Let the machine carry you
away 49ers fans, get caught in its gears and let it work the fuck out of you
because you need to be different to survive in this fucked up world, not like
the others at all. It is no coincidence
that the only team with a better rushing game than the 49ers this season is the
Baltimore Ravens, coached by that other Harbaugh, and like I said, while this
is not Jim Harbaugh’s team, this is the sort of football that made the 49ers a
winner when he was there. Fuck the Patriot way, I will take the Harbaugh way
every goddamn time.
Pick: San Francisco
Houston (-3) at Jacksonville
Pick: BREAK SOME SHIT TONIGHT
Washington (+10) at Buffalo
The poor damn indigenous people already lost Alex Smith to
brutality last season and now they have to worry about whether short term
rental Case Keenum is healthy. When you are 1-7, the prospect of Colt McCoy
coming to the rescue is about as grim as it gets. Call the banners all you want
but you’re just gonna end up with some field hands led by the bastard son of
some minor lord. This is no place to find yourself naked and exposed, but the
Redacteds don’t have anything better to do, so let us just watch as they shit
their pants and then sit down on it, trying to bury it like a fucking cat or
something. This is a grim business, this football life, and the Racial Epithets
are stripped damn near to the bone already. This is a lost season for them,
hell a lost decade, a lost century so far for them and I don’t see any way it
gets better any time soon. The Bills, meanwhile, at least have a top five
offense to smother and suffocate these hapless fucks with, and that point
spread may seem a little extreme considering the ineptitudes of both offenses,
but the Racists don’t have anything going for them and I have no choice but to
conclude that the Bills will beat them 13-3 or some hideous number like that. I
want to say don’t bet on this fucking game because who cares but also because
this is a morass of general misery you want no part of. I am but a humble
scribe, helping to guide you through this Totally Fucked world we’re living in
and I can’t make your poor choices for you, but if I had to make a poor choice,
it would be to support Buffalo and not the grim corpse of the Culturally Insensitive.
Pick: Buffalo
Tennessee (-4.5) at Carolina
Carolina is fresh off of being steamrolled by the 49ers, who
hung half a hundred on them which is rare in these tamed gentrified NFL
plasticon games. The Titans meanwhile, are standing firm with a top 5 defense.
This should be an easy pick, especially because Cam Newton is still out and
there is only so much you can do before Christian McCaffrey is killed. The
Titans don’t have to do much other than try to contain McCaffrey, which is not
as big a challenge in this new NFL age of quick passes and desultory tackling,
and if they can keep him from running wild, they should blow this open. I say
they should, but it’s not like their offense is moving it that great for them either.
This suggests a low scoring affair, but one that the Titans will win because
they have one distinct advantage in that their defense is a solid place to work
from unlike the Panthers whose defense is crumbling with no support from a
Newtonless offense. Go with Tennessee here and tell them that Neil sent you.
When they ask “Who’s Neil?”, don’t be alarmed when those banjos start playing,
we’re just gonna have a nice little float down this here river together.
Pick: Tennessee
Chicago (+3) at Philadelphia
The Bears have a good defense but a woeful offense as it
becomes clear that the Mitch Trubisky experience will not have a happy ending. Meanwhile,
the Eagles are just sort of a middling mess, not really good or awful at
anything. This is a hard one to size up and it harkens back to the days of the
old Fog Bowl when these two teams met under similar circumstances way back in
the day. I would say take the Eagles and then watch out for mindless degenerates
puking on your shoes, but this isn’t so easy. I can see this one getting bogged
down and ending only when a bunch of Philly hooligans start a riot or some shit
while the Bears fans back home get all liquored up and choke on fat slices of
ham. Nobody is a winner in this scenario, two teams representing two cities who
are monuments to corruption and lazy failure. I guess I’ll say roll with the
Eagles, because at least if they win, then the insufferable Bears fans can
finally shut the fuck up and wait for miracles on draft day. It’s a cruel world
out there, but this is just the way it is sometimes.
Pick: Philadelphia
Minnesota (+3.5) at
Kansas City
Obviously this all
hinges on the health of Patrick Mahomes. With him I could see the Chiefs
pulling this one out against that vile fucker Kirk Cousins and his Blackwater
loving ass. But without him, it’s tough to see how they hang with the Vikings
who have a competent running game supporting Cousins and a defense that is 3rd
in the league in points allowed, and that is great at stopping the run on
defense. A world without Patrick Mahomes plays into all the Vikings strengths
and so it is my sad duty to have to pick those Nordic shitheads as Kirk Cousins
makes deals with and duels with the goddamn devil as we get going on the back
half of this season. But that is what my
head is telling me to do, and while I am far too often led by the heart and treat
my brain like it’s a Christmas present that I love to open up everyday on Christmas
morning in a poor choices haze, I have to go with the goddamn Vikings here. I
don’t like it and neither do you, but the NFL is an awful league and poor
Patrick Mahomes will be lucky if he gets out of all of this without picking up
some super-virus from the quacks associated with the NFL. So roll with the
Vikings and hope against hope that when the black helicopters come they will come
for Kirk Cousins.
Pick: Minnesota
NY Jets (-6.5) at
Miami
The stink of this
game is wretched as can be, with no quarterbacks making plays, dismal running
games and shitty offenses being the only thing waiting for the shuffleboard
transplants down in Miami hoping to get a look at their Jets and their handsome
young quarterback named Joe Namath. But this is not 1969 and even if Sam
Darnold walks through that door, it won’t be to save you but to get some reps
in before his agent can hustle him out in the dead of the night to a team and a
city not prone to being insufferable jackasses on their best day. But Miami is
somehow in even direr straits, last in the league in damn near anything, and
Don Shula has probably already sucked down so many bottles of champagne, just
lost and delirious at this point, missing his pants, hollering for Griese and
the boys to let him know when they can celebrate their ancient glories. This is
the perfect game for the Jets to start trying to make right, but the same could
be said of these miserable Dolphins. These are two weak cripples slapping at
each other for our benefit, but I am not even entertained. Get some blow and some
molly and introduce me to some Cuban ladies down in Miami and I will gladly
pick the Dolphins here. But if you don’t have any of that for me, then fuck you
and fuck the goddamn Jets and fuck everyone because I don’t have the patience
for any of these trifling fucks.
Pick: Miami
Indianapolis (Pick ‘em)
vs Pittsburgh
Man, just no respect
for the Colts here who are doing just fine without Andrew Luck and his millions
of dollars and Stanford education protecting him from the CTE that is bound to
make him go all Benoit one day. They are doing just fine without him at 5-2,
not particularly great or anything but not bad either. The Steelers meanwhile are
doing okay sans rapist, but the offense is slipping towards the back end of the
league without him. Devin Bush on defense is the real force here. My Michigan
Man dude is wrecking fools for the Steelers and is a real problem for anyone
trying to get in his way. Jacoby Brissett might not be Andrew Luck, but he’ll
probably feel like him, at least the concussed parts of him, before it is all
over. Pick ‘em is a lazy bullshit thing to do, but fuck it, there’s not much
left to differentiate these two teams from each other this year. They are not
mirror images by any means, but they are also not all that different. Roll with
the home crowd here? I don’t know, man. I just don’t know.
Pick: Pittsburgh
Tampa Bay (+5.5) at
Seattle
It must be nice to
be Pete Carroll and have a dude like Russell Wilson running everything. They
have had to rebuild, but here they are again, within striking distance of the
playoffs while the Buccaneers flounder under ol’ Crab Legs Winston. That’s
probably not fair because Winston has at least thrown for a lot of yards this
season, but it has been an adventurous one for him as evidenced by his 12
interceptions, which is rare to see these days. But Winston is just one man, no
matter how problematic, and the Seahawks have Russell Wilson, and they have at
least the semblance of a defense led by Bobby Wagner. I expect that Winston
will be able to throw on the Seahawks, but those turnovers, man, they are a
problem, and Russell Wilson doesn’t have any of those problems. Sometimes, it
is just that easy.
Pick: Seattle
Cleveland (+1) at
Denver
The fightin’ Dans
have let me down so far this season, and it sucks because I want to get behind
Baker Mayfield. That’s tough to do given that he is throwing interceptions at a
Crab Leg level. The run game is so far holding up, and Myles Garrett is
wrecking fools left and right, but Baker better get it together or else he is
going to make me look bad. Me and Dan, who I returned to after I escaped and strangled
with the chains he kept me with. I don’t even know where his body is after I
buried it, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he turned up on my doorstep to remind
me of our shared Failure Demons, of willfully supporting such accursed teams.
And poor Dan doesn’t even have a Liverpool to fall back on. He just has a
Wigan, which if you meathead NFL fools don’t know, is something resembling a
pagan witch, and I don’t want to get caught up in the dark arts and neither do
you. But Joe Flacco is out for the Broncos and their backup is a dude named
File Not Found, so who even knows what mystifying delights are in store for us
in this game? Shit, just lean on the running game and don’t let Baker get
stupid and the Browns should roll the Broncos here. Will they? I doubt it given
the Failure Demons of it all, and also because Dan is doomed to getting fucked
to his second vertebrae , but I can not get behind a horse faced jackass like
John Elway, especially when his team doesn’t even have a functioning quarterback.
Fuck the Broncos and their shitty team, fuck Ohio and all their bums too, and
do I need to even say it? Okay fine, fuck Dan too.
Pick: Browns
Green Bay (-4) at LA
Chargers
The goddamn devil
has found his way again, leading a potent Packers attack that is unlikely to be
slowed down by a foundering Chargers team, led by a freewheeling Phillip Rivers
who is only one dude and can’t cover for the Chargers shitty running game or
his own propensity to fuck up at the worst time. The devil, though, is
merciless, and while the Chargers defense is hanging in there this season, it
doesn’t pay to go against the devil, especially when he’s lounging in LA, his
favorite playground. The devil has his fun with the farmer’s daughters but let
him light up Hollywood and you won’t even know what hit you. Is it too much for
the Chargers to ask for some support from their nonexistent fanbase, as they
are somehow the 3rd most popular team in a city with only 2 teams?
They may not be as flashy as the Rams or as dangerous as the Raiders, who I am
sure still have a lot of support, especially amongst the OGs, but they need
some help if they are going to survive the devil, who is just now freezing time
and splicing in Nikki Sixx and Tommy Lee and the boys. Will they get that help?
My sources say no, as the Chargers are doomed to being used as fuck toys like
so many innocents who get off the bus hoping to magically turn up in Venice
Beach. This is where the devil plays and he’s gonna get his sins in tonight.
Pick: Green Bay
New England (-6.5) at
Baltimore
This is a true
heavyweight fight and probably the game of the year in the AFC, pitting two
awesome offenses against each other in a fight to the death. They get it done
in different days, as Tom Brady continues to saunter like a vampire Bowie
through the streets, sucking on necks and not caring who gets hurt along the way.
Meanwhile, the Ravens lean on a powerhouse running game, which, yes, is again
touched by the Harbaugh way. All these goddamn Harbaughs and yet I get the one
who suddenly doesn’t know how to coach any offenses. I mean, what the fuck?
Okay, tantrum aside, what it will all come down is which defense can hold, and
this is where New England has the advantage, as they are 1st in the
NFL in scoring defense, top five both against the pass and the run (notice how
this all happened after Matt Patricia shuffled his hefty bag ass out of town?
Yeah, fuck him, the goddamn fraud. He is a nothing piece of shit who probably
raped a girl back in the day. He is an incompetent piece of shit. LOCK HIM UP
LOCK HIM UP LOCK HIM UP) Okay, where the fuck was I? Oh yeah, the Patriots
defense is legit this season while the Ravens pass defense ranks, let’s see
here, 26th in the league. Well shit, it’s not like Tom Brady is the
all time NFL throw king or anything. Wait, he is? Oh. Oh, I see.
Pick: New England
Dallas (-9) at the
Giants
It is fitting, I suppose,
that the Cowboys go all Slim Pickens riding the bomb on the Giants here, who
are a miserable outfit last seen propping up Matthew Stafford’s existence as a
top tier NFL quarterback. The Cowboys are pretty good at pretty much
everything, while the Giants are pretty bad at pretty much anything, so, you
know, not a lot left to say here, is there? I suppose I could rant and rave
about Dallas being the place where the fascists blew the head off the
figurehead of American idealism, or about New York being everything good and
wrong about this goddamn country. Oil vs Wall Street, who wins? Not me and not
you, I’m afraid to say. It’s all too easy to see Jerry Jones landing in a helicopter
atop One World Trade Center and announcing that he has bought America, but it’s
also too easy to see his cotton fried ass being run out of Yankee territory and
back to his hick roots. I don’t know what’s left to say other than fuck both of
these teams, but especially fuck Jerry Jones, who represents the worst of both
cities. Rot in Piss, you senile old jackal.
Pick: Dallas
