We glory through last week, where I went 9-6 against the
vaunted Vegas spread. If you listen to me you will find great truths, but you
are unlikely to find money, unless the Failure Demons go away for a week or two
and I trick the trickster Loki and get the good picks from the angels in
heaven, but wherever we end up at the end of this brutal why the fuck are we
even doing this to ourselves season, we’ll have a lot of laughs and maybe a
tear or two, but then again maybe I will have discovered a new way to beat the
geeks who make the sheets or whatever the fuck is happening, I don’t even know,
I’m on too many pills, but fuck ‘em, that’s what I have to say about that so
you can just put that in your pipe and go fuck yourself.
NY Giants (+14) at New England
Saquon Barkley is out for the Giants, who will be throwing
poor Daniel Jones to the Dothraki horde who follow Gisele as she follows Tom
Brady in his quest to win the iron throne. He only has 6 of the legendary 9
rings needed to forge that throne, so Gisele will have a lot to work with in
Daniel Jones, who will be stripped of his ring, I don’t know what ring it is,
it doesn’t really matter, as Tom and Gisele punish fuck the poor lad and steal
all his rings and credit cards and what have you. These are not nice people,
they are monsters wearing human masks but that’s okay because we’re all monstrous
and fucked up, but at least Tom and Gisele look good.
Pick: New England
Carolina (Pick ‘em) at Tampa Bay
Cam Newton is dead, hit by a car while strutting like Ric
Flair no doubt, but that throws this game into a chaos zone where you can’t
really get a read on how it will play out. Maybe Jameis Winston’s stolen crab
legs will fuck with Christian McCaffree’s knees or some shit, I don’t know. What
I do know is that Tampa Bay is of shit this season, and I suppose it’s only
right to roll with Ric Flair and Carolina. Just make sure you keep an eye on
Ric once the liquor gets flowing because there will be horror stories with
those crab legs.
Pick: Carolina
Cincinnati (+8.5) at Baltimore
The Bengals have abandoned the season, no one gets out of
there alive, and the Ravens are just sitting there with the best offense in the
whole NFL. So . . . yeah, this is not hard. The best thing about the Ravens
mauling everyone with their Lamar Jackson and Mark Ingram backfield is that
somehow, someway, the Harbaugh style of offense is still alive, which is really
the Bo Schembechler style of fuck you I’m taking these next few yards and you
can’t do anything about it, which is football in its most glorious splendor.
The Bengals are going to cave in against that kind of football and this could
be a bloodbath with Lamar Jackson running Baltimore better than Stringer Bell
ever could.
Pick: Baltimore
Seattle (+2.5) at Cleveland
Man, Baker Mayfield flaming out was so obvious, but I wanted
to back the little dude because he is cocky as fuck, like in that way you have
to be if you’re a fighter pilot or, say, an NFL quarterback. To be honest, I blame Cleveland, and all of
Ohio. Oh, and Dan too. But I’m not quite ready to dump poor Baker here in the
shit heap because I think that he has something inside of him that won’t let
him get rolled like this. I know it because I see it in my own eyes when I look
in the mirror. We’ve got a lot inside of us, mostly Failure Demons lurking, but
there is a spark there, and I see it in Baker Mayfield, and while the rest of
the world is laughing at him, I will be the one dude left backing him when he
breaks loose, drunk as fuck and takes a shit on the entire state of Ohio. I’ll
be there, with Baker and Dan, who we’re stringing along until he can lead us to
Harry Potter’s golden Snizzlestritch or whatever the fuck goes on over there. I’ll
be there, and Baker Mayfield and I will shit on every last one of you fucks.
Still, let’s take the Seahawks and calm the fuck down, especially Dan.
Pick: Seattle
Houston (+8.5) at Kansas City
Houston is looking pretty good, and we know that Patrick
Mahomes has that hand cannon ready to do ridiculous shit, so this should be a
fun one. Mahomes hasn’t thrown an interception yet this season, and he is
looking like he’s going for round two on his MVP tour of the NFL’s dead and
dying. But JJ Watt is back for Houston and killing people again because they
fed him batteries and god only knows what while he was rehabbing, and the
Texans have a dude in Deshaun Watson who can match Mahomes. So, to me, this looks
like a chance for Houston to get some action somewhere in that spread. I
suspect the Texans might even win this thing and Mahomes will just have to go
back to his palatial estate, and by the way, the dude is the son of a major
league baseball pitcher named Pat Mahomes so he has always had money in his
life. One team is hungry here, the other one just wants to hit up some Netflix
and champagne with maybe a woman or two involved.
Pick: Houston
New Orleans (+1.5) at Jacksonville
Pick: New Orleans
Philadelphia (+3) at Minnesota
Who even fucking knows with the Eagles these days, and Kirk
Cousins is still trying to prove that he helped write the Patriot Act, the legislation
not the team you inbred morons, so I don’t really know which way to slide the penis
on this one. I guess I will take the Eagles, mostly because people like Kirk
Cousins live all around me, and that makes life pretty fucking difficult
sometimes. At least the freaks in Philly are organic assholes unlike the
plastocene ones Kirk Cousins comes from. Fuck Kirk Cousins. Have I said that
enough? No, it’s never enough. Fuck Kirk Cousins and fuck all the plasticide
people he represents. FUCK HIM.
Pick: Philadelphia
Washington (+6.5) at Miami
Yeah, I don’t give a shit about this game. FUCK KIRK
COUSINS. AND DAN TOO. HE KNOWS WHY.
Pick: Miami
San Francisco (+5) at LA Rams
Somehow the 49ers are rolling at 4-0 with a god tier rushing
game that came out of nowhere, and the Rams have to be looking out here, no? It’s
about time this rivalry gets fired up. San Francisco vs Los Angeles, California
babies dying every day. This will be the game that tells the tale of the NFC
this season, I suspect. And if the Rams aren’t careful fucking around with their
Hollywood friends, a big fucking forest fire might swoop down from the Bay Area
and get everything all fucked up for everyone. Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that,
or if it does, at least spare the Mexican people while Steve Guttenberg gets
roasted alive and eaten by a swarm of drifters. These are the things we have to
hope for if we’re going to survive.
Pick: Rams
Atlanta (+2.5) at Arizona
Both of these teams are shit, don’t make me have to try to
make my fingers work in this daze of pills.
Pick: Arizona
Dallas (-7) at NY Jets
Well, the Jets are 0-4 and I’m guessing they are preparing a
sacrifice of Luke Falk to ensure that Sam Darnold doesn’t go the Sanchez way
just yet. The Cowboys are the Cowboys, which means they are the team of petty
thieves, leeches who have sucked this land dry and demolished the people that
were here before them. Jerry Jones is a liar and a piece of shit, and he’ll
probably be the next President because that is the world we are living in. Fuck
him, fuck Kirk Cousins and fuck Dan, yeah you heard me.
Pick: Dallas
Tennessee (Pick em) at Denver
Two shitty football teams will get together to play a dying
sport in a stadium that sits a mile high. The only way to make this interesting
is to get 20 miles high, fly free of this fucker, just you and me on the space
wind which is a thing I didn’t just make up. We’ll fly forever as soulmates,
dipping in on crazy worlds and peoples, fucking each other and the friends we
find along the way. It’s better this way, just let yourself go and also sign
over power of attorney to me so I can protect you from vagrants like Kirk Cousins
or Dan.
Pick: Denver
Pittsburgh (+5.5) at LA Chargers
Big Ben is dead and now Mason Rudolph is doubtful? Well, fuck
the Steelers I guess, those inbred pieces of shit who have turned this country
over to the Trumpkins all for a promise of coal and steel. Fuck them and fuck
Kirk Cousins and fuck Dan too. YOU HEAR ME DAN FUCK YOU
Pick: Chargers
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