The Apes of Wrath

The best thing about video review is that you can say “oh yeah, I guess he caught that” but the worst thing is when everyone starts dissecting it like the Zapruder Film, looking for pellets and cleat marks and then you fall into a wormhole of obnoxious propaganda rules analysts who are basically just cops and then you have to sit and live with yourself after having talked to a cop and goddammit no, never again.

Kenny Golladay scored two picture perfect touchdowns today. I know this because when I press pause on my remote, I can see his feet tucked in the right side of the line, and when I zoom in I can see the dirt between those feet and the boundary line, and then I zoom in on the conversation the referee is having with himself and yes, I can read on his lips, “I swear that I will only use this to fuck with people watching at home who can clearly see that this man has caught the ball and scored a touchdown,”

I quoted it, so it has to be true. But not only did we not get to bask in the glory of that touchdown, we had to listen to that fuckin’ yokel of a ref tell us that the Chiefs had picked up the ball and scored a touchdown for themselves, all of which is a whole lot of bullshit.

This was a weird game to watch, because for the first time this season, it seemed like the Lions were actually winning the game, with Kerryon Johnson running it down their throats and Matthew Stafford delivering perfect little passes, none of which were things that we saw in the previous three games, which were the games the Lions actually won.

But that sort of confused mess is what makes me write about this despicable game. Right now, poor TJ Hockenson is trying to tell his nurse that he needs a new straw to suck on. I have no idea how you put a happy face on this horseshit.

For a moment, a long beautiful moment, 3-0-1 felt legit and earned, and I wasn’t gonna just react with vitriol and wild gibberish but then the ball dropped, and that moment was gone and ruined and fucked up and I don’t know what else to tell you or how to tell it other than to tell you that it felt like we got our dicks sucked but not in a good way, more of an “I just put this dick inside of a vacuum cleaner, ma’am and now I’m afraid my dick is in violent upheaval and wishes to be left alone” kind of way, which is no way to be at all, right? Right.

But these are the perils of being a Lions fan, of watching your team get oh so close only to piss it all away after being dragged into the big city where they will ravish your corpse until it looks presentable enough for hell.

Give it up for that Stafford to Golladay connection though. At the very least you could delude yourself into believing that they could find joy one last time with that Hail Mary at the end of the game, but they didn’t, and you could hear the air go out of the entire stadium, the sound of sustained grief, one gigantic sigh.

So, it’s 2-1-1, with signs that this team might have some fucking life left to it after all. I particularly liked young Justin Coleman going out there and balling with Darius Slay laid up and maybe, just maybe, there is enough life here to breathe some new hope into this fucking circus sideshow.

But that is all a long way off, and for now, we can all be happy that poor TJ Hockenson has no idea that his teeth are still out there on that field and that his spleen was given up for nothing as the Chiefs swooped in and swooped back out with a win. It was a golden opportunity, pissed away like all of our opportunities and now all that is left is to hope that TJ has enough applesauce to share with Matthew Stafford and the gang as they ponder life as a loser.

I meant to get this up earlier but to be honest I needed to crash, and this isn’t any fucking good anyway so fuck it, I don’t know why I’m still rambling about this nonsense. All I know is that the Lions lost when it felt like they were winning and they have won when they felt like they were losing so who knows what the fuck is even real anymore. It is all just meaningless bullshit, much like this sentence and the next and the one after it too. Fuck this, I have better things to do.

That, of course, is a dumb lie, easily sniffed out by you, my humble readers, who know that I am chained to this monstrosity forever, and that I will die in these barren blogger hills and when they find my corpse it will be littered with the brains of the dead and dying, a Hockenson brain living in my nostrils next to a complex of Failure Demons with ape faces as I go mad into the night. I hear you apes hooting and I know that TJ Hockenson’s brain has entered the Bardo, but before he finds Nirvana I implore him to stop and wait for me because I don’t want to be left here with all these goddamn apes.

An ape ate TJ Hockenson’s brain. Just straight up ripped it out of his skull on TV and ate it before god and man, an ape we all know and love, our own special failure demon. But if Le Nain Rouge has truly grown from imp to ape, we only need understand that it is far too late to save ourselves or each other and my god man, these damn dirty apes, this was Earth all along!!!

TJ Hockenson wakes up with an ape brain and the knowledge that his own world was overrun by apes, and in this ape world he is but a child slave, easily used and abused. All hail the apes, the apes have won, the apes have won.