To Hell With Them All

Somewhere between vomitous outrage and depressed acceptance, we find ourselves and our beloved Lions at 2-2-1, a Failure Demon and a buttfucking away from 5-0, and I don’t know how to process all of this without mountains of pills and opium and ether and everything else. Hook me up to a gas mask and let her rip boys, I’m not coming home from this voyage.

It’s a weird feeling though, to be proud of your team, these Lions, and wanting them to go undefeated and fuck everyone else, while at the same time hating Bob Quinn and Matt Patricia and their ridiculous Patriot Way. I don’t know what to do with this feeling other than gulp down whatever this gas mask is giving me.

It’s okay, I think, to separate our love for these Lions from our disdain of Patricia and company, and it’s not only okay but necessary I think if we are to survive this hellstorm that is being a fan of the Detroit Lions. It’s hard because I want to like this team, and I want to like Patricia, but I just can’t bring myself there. I do not like the man, and I don’t want to argue about it.

But here we are, and no matter how any of us feels about Patricia, you cannot deny that he has us on the precipice of something here. 5-0 sure sounds a hell of a lot better than 2-2-1, but 2-2-1 sure sounds better than 0-5, you know? So, I guess this is just who we roll with.

In a crazy world, Matthew Stafford keeps on rolling and Kerryon Johnson picks up the pace a bit and we have something good to believe in, and it would be nice to be able to believe in that something if it had a better crew than Patricia and Quinn to get behind, but these are strange and terrible times and none of us get what we want.

That still won’t make me do anything but throw my full-throated support behind my Lions as they welcome Kirk Cousins home for his trial for crimes against humanity. As a Blackwater supporter and a Devos devotee he is everything wrong with the world right now and I hate him. He must swing for his crimes. I reject him as a Michigan native and am embarrassed to be from the same state as this shithead. Unfortunately, this state is crawling with Cousins types, animals more than people who have enabled a despicable culture of rape and chaos to flourish, these damnable Sparties. I will see them all in hell.

There is a particular type of shithead who deserves to be nailed to the cross, and it wears green and now it wears purple and it is an ugly thing, a scowling midget in a courtroom intimidating a Flint jury to let one of his very good boys roam free, a rape monster in the guise of athletic hero. It is a sneering Dantonio breaking one of his boys out of jail so that he can go home and get in his weekly rape quota. It is this Kirk Cousins, who comes from the Southwest of Michigan, where this sort of thing is tolerated and encouraged, and it is monstrous and inhumane and I am sick and tired of it all. Of course, it doesn’t help that this is how I view Matt Patricia. To me, he is one of them and should be condemned. Fuck it, I don’t know what to do other than to complain here, to shout helplessly in this little corner of hell on the internet that I have made my own. I am but one voice amongst many, but I want my voice to be heard. I am not like the others and I do not like these people.

But fuck it, I don’t know what to do with my anger as I watch my Lions have to take on the villainy of Kirk Cousins all while my Lions are led by one of them. It is not a nice place to be in and I abhor it, and I don’t wish it on any of you. There is something beautiful about being a Lions fan, something stupid and ridiculous and tragic and haunted that is the heart of something poetic, artistic and lovely, our bruised hearts. And I just hate to have to share it with Matt Patricia and the Kirk Cousins of our world. Fuck them.

Anyway, the Lions, my Lions, have to find a way to take out Cousins and somehow contain Dalvin Cook and that running game without getting Matthew Stafford and his lovely wife killed by Everson Griffin, Danielle Hunter and the boys. This, of course, is easier said than done, but fuck it and fuck these idiots, I deserve to be happy.

The Vikings are hovering around a top tenish offense and top fiveish defense, which is not a thing that makes me happy, no sir. The Lions are creeping up on a top tenish offense and the defense is trying to hang in there, but goddammit they just aren’t gonna let me have this, are they? It is all Failure Demons and bitter recriminations from here on out, isn’t it? I have been here before and so have you and that’s what we all said to each other as we held each other tight and watched the devil himself and those insidious refs buttfuck us last week. We have been here before and we’ll be here again and this is just how it is as the earth spins and we live and we die, lost and hopeless, ruined souls, Lions fans.

I really want to believe in something here and there are dudes here I want to love, like Matthew Stafford, who has been here a goddamn decade plus now and has tried his damndest to shut Bobby Layne’s ghost up and has failed just like all of our heroes. It sucks, man. I want to love him like I loved Calvin Johnson, who we used and abused and ruined, leaving him bitter at all of us for taking from him the prime of his life. I want to love like I loved Barry Sanders, who just last week spoke out on twitter against the heinous Failure Demons who were fucking us in the ass. I want to love these dudes like I love The Great Willie Young, who is content to go fishing and try to forget he had anything to do with this accursed team. I want to love all of this with all of my heart but it’s fucking hard, especially with ghouls like Patricia trying to ruin it for me.

But fuck him, fuck Bob Quinn with his corny baseball bat, and most of all fuck Kirk Cousins and those goddamn Failure Demons. I am just a man who wants to love his football team and all of these idiots conspire to take that away from me and that is a goddamn shame. But to hell with all of them, I will roll with my Lions this week and Kirk Cousins can rot in hell next to Hitler and Dan.

Lions 27 Vikings 14