I have escaped from Dan’s basement, where he kept me chained
up in “erotic” pink cuffs that giggled whenever I tried to shimmy out of them.
I see that he has hijacked my beloved website, but I am free now to take back
what is mine and silence him forever, or at least until he sends me something
else, and you know what? You should all feel free to send me whatever gibberish
you want because I need content for this hideous website and it will make me
look like an industrious robber baron king. I just wish I could forget the
sight of Dan traipsing around in front of me in neon pink panties, his whatever
the fuck it is bulging, leering at me no matter where I turned, his very
Englishness dripping from it, tittering and mocking my mansome American form,
left desperate and alone in those hideous chains. Anyway, let’s just get to
this week’s picks, the Neil edition.
Kansas City (-4.5) at Denver
The Chiefs continue to rule the AFC West, but they look
vulnerable this year. The Broncos are teetering in a last placeish tie, but do
have a top ten defense and a workable running game, so you never know when
these two teams, mirroring each other at 4-2 and 2-4 respectively, will swap
places. History tells us that the Broncos will eventually rise again while the
poor Chiefs collapse into a familiar mediocrity, which in itself is just a
metaphor for the entire state of Kansas’ sad mediocrity, and yes I know that
Kansas City is actually in Missouri, but fuck it, the Chiefs are Kansas’ team
and have to live with that sad fate. Still, I don’t think this is the time when
Denver wraps its mile high lung collapsing hands around the Chiefs throats. We
are still in MAGA America after all, and nowhere is that more true than Kansas.
Maybe Indiana, but at this point we are talking about the same thing.
Pick: Kansas City
Arizona (+3) at NY Giants
Saqoun Barkley should be good to go here for the Giants,
which is bad news for the Cardinals, although I am getting conflicting reports
from my sources about Barkley, so fuck it, who knows? Kyler Murray has been
mostly as advertised for the Cardinals so far, giving them legs to match Barkley’s,
along with an arm that is so far superior to Daniel Jones. Two dudes in one
package is always a frightening thing to bet against and so I won’t. The Giants
just have to hope that Barkley, who is a horse of a different color, is good to
go because he’s really their only chance here.
Pick: Arizona
Houston (+2.5) at Indianapolis
These two teams are pretty close in terms of their profile.
The difference is that so far the Texans offense is a top ten unit while the
Colts drift in mediocrity somewhere near the middle of the league. Still,
Jacoby Brissett has mostly made Colts fans forget about the coward Andrew Luck,
and honestly there isn’t that much separating these two teams from one another.
The Colts lack the murder death kill robot monster that the Texans have in JJ
Watt, and while Brissett is a legit NFL quarterback, DeShaun Watson is a tier
above and all of this leads me to believe that the Texans are the move here. Then
again, the ugliness that is Indiana can never be denied and that is where the
Texans have to do battle this week. It is tough to win when Klansmen are
haunting your quarterback, and if Indiana has anything it is those gormless
fucks. So . . . yeah, tough call here.
Pick: Indianapolis
Miami (+15.5) at Buffalo
Things are dire in Miami right now, who really need a
cocaine blast from Tony Montana to get themselves right. Meanwhile, the Bills
are building themselves a place to hunker down for when the winter snows come,
and if they can put away the Dolphins here, they might be on their way to the
playoffs, where who knows what can happen under a godless bleak sunless sky at
noon in the dead of winter in Buffalo where the ghosts are frozen and the Failure
Demons whip everyone with chains of ice. The Dolphins are truly wretched, last
in the league in damn near everything while the Bills are capable of smothering
everyone in their wintry embrace with a top five defense. Still, that is the
sort of thing that tends to lend itself to a low scoring affair, the utter
ineptitude of the offenses impotent in the face of the cold and the damned, so
it’s hard to see anyone here covering a 15.5 point spread.
Pick: Miami
Oakland (+7) at Green Bay
The fucking devil did it again on Monday night, summoning
all his best Failure Demons to deliver an epic buttfucking of my poor Lions in
the haunted death tomb known as Lambeau.
Who even knows what dark deals had to be made in order to make that
*thing* happen, but it did and now the Packers welcome the starcrossed Raiders
into that den of iniquity. The Raiders are plagued with a host of their own Failure
Demons and now they have the devil himself to deal with. Surprisingly, the
Raiders have not been awful, with Josh Jacobs in particular looking like a dude
who they can lean on, but these early season mirages cannot be trusted, and a
mirage in the desert is a dangerous thing, and that is where the Raiders are
headed, to be buried under an unforgiving sun in desert sands that know no name
other than Death, and Death is a friend to the devil, so it’s hard to see how
the Raiders make it out of this one alive. Still, fuck the Packers and
everything they represent. They are the beneficiaries of soul crimes and should
be utterly fucked by anyone and everything with a conscience. The goddamn devil
may be loose at Lambeau, but never forget that the devil is destined to lose in
the end. Still, it’s hard to see it happening at the hands of the lowly
Raiders, but you take hope where you can find it. Kenny Stabler is dead,
though, Al Davis rots in some cellar tomb somewhere and his doofus son will
suck the devil’s dick before doing anything for the rest of us, so fuck it,
Packers it is, I guess.
Pick: Green Bay
Jacksonville (+3) at Cincinnati
Pick: The Fighting Dursts
LA Rams (-4) at Atlanta
I told you to be wary of the Rams this season, and I was
right when I said that their game against the 49ers was defining, and they now
sit a good 3 games back of the 49ers in their division, looking decidedly mediocre
and downright bad on defense outside of murder terror dude Aaron Donald. Still,
the Falcons are foundering haplessly, still reeling from the psychic devastation
of 28-3, seeing Tom Brady skinning them alive and smiling his cold plastic
serial killer smile as he sucks the marrow from their bones. The Falcons are a team in crisis, while the
Rams need a game to get their shit right before the coyotes who wander the
streets of LA late at night get to them and drag us all off into a psycho
hellworld of earthquakes and brush fires. There is nothing but darkness in a LA
night, nothing but the howling regrets and fears of a people who ran to the
edge of the world and found themselves trapped in the City of Angels, an ironic
moniker if ever one existed. It is all madness in those hills, home to the
decadent and the depraved, the terminally lost who all got on the bus and got
off in the jungle, where urchins live under the street. This is no Paradise
City, but the lost dreams of a fallen Paradise. Watch the palm fronds seer in
the heat, crumble into dust, and watch as a coyote chews the leg of a baby in
the streets and somewhere there is a howling and the madness and a despair of
an entire people is trapped in a city of devils.
Pick: Rams
San Francisco (-9.5) at Washington
The 49ers are the surprise darlings of the NFL in the early
going. Right now, their offense and defense both sit in the top 3 in the
league, powered by a punishing running game and a defense that is taking no
quarter. The Redacteds meanwhile are floundering in an ocean of shit and baby
Jay Gruden has been exiled from the swamp. He will probably make his way to the
desert to unite with papa Gruden as the souls of the Raiders and Redacteds both
scream to a god who is dead. There is no solace to be found in the desert Baby
Jay, only graves, and your father knew that but the money was too good. I get
it. He has sold your soul for filthy lucre, for that sleazy Vegas gold that
comes in the form of casino chips. The
49ers are going to roll the Redacteds, who are a team in freefall, a franchise
utterly corrupted by the foul meanness of Daniel Snyder, who sits at the feet
of Il Duce, Donald Trump, in the swamp of Washington DC and fiddles while the
world burns. Between that swamp and the desert is nothing but suffering and
despair, madness and regret. There are no winners here, only the sad sigh of a
people that stand at the edge of the world, looking out over a bay, the waves
crashing before them, realizing there is nowhere left to go. This is it. This
is all that there is.
Pick: 49ers
LA Chargers (+1) at Tennessee
And in the empty concrete river bed of the LA River you will
find the wasted soul of America, a place so wretched and unreal that its
mockery of nature itself is something too wretched to comprehend. A concrete
river. Only in LA, where the people who have nothing left go to die at the end
of the world. Meanwhile, Tennessee, with its top 5 defense, struggles along,
holding its people in the shadows of Appalachia, a haunted place peopled by
those too stuck in their own grief to even make the trek across the continent
to the edge of the world. This is a mean country, cruel and unlovable and there
is nothing good to be found here. Still, a top five defense is nothing to sneer
at. It’s just that the offense remains wretched. At some point, the Chargers
are going to break out of their early season doldrums and make a playoff run.
Does it start here? My sources say yes, yes it does.
Pick: Chargers
Baltimore (+4) at Seattle
This game is legit, a true test for both teams as they try
to cement themselves as legit Super Bowl contenders. The Ravens run game has
been terrifying, but Russell Wilson is playing like an MVP this season for
Seattle, so it’s tough to say who comes out ahead there. The real difference
may be the Seahawks homefield advantage, as their place is notorious as a tough
place for opposing teams to play. The hardass resiliency of Baltimore cannot be
overlooked though, and if anyone can survive in the Northwest wild, it is
Stringer Bell and crew. This game is a huge test for Lamar Jackson, and if he
can pass this one, who knows where the Ravens can run to? But Russell Wilson is
there, and he has already passed all his tests and you don’t challenge one of
the elite in their home fortress and expect to walk away with anything but the
savaged tatters of your pride.
Pick: Seattle
New Orleans (+3) at Chicago
The Saints continue to survive, maybe even thrive, without
Drew Brees. Teddy Bridgewater is holding his shit down, and to be honest he is
probably a better spiritual fit for New Orleans and its people, who will wade
through the floodwaters like our boy Heinie for their Saints. The Bears defense
though is a nasty piece of business, and it’s all too easy to see them ruining
the dykes and inviting the floodwaters back in to carry Heinie and his people
away. It’s a stiff test for the Saints, who will have to lean on Alvin Kamara
to get them to a good place. And let’s face it, you can’t trust Mitch Trubisky,
so yeah, I think I am gonna have to roll with the Saints here. Bless you,
Heinie.
Pick: New Orleans
Philadelphia (+2.5) at Dallas
These two teams are tied atop the NFC East but they both sit
there at a mediocre 3-3. Who will rise above and head to their destiny as Super
Bowl contenders, and who will collapse and be left quivering in despair, much
like I was at Dan’s feet, as he applied the electrodes to his nipples,
squealing in a sort of manic glee? But that is all talk for a different time and
place. Here, it is up to us to ignore Dan’s chanting in some Druidic language I
can’t make out and investigate the bare facts, which show that the Cowboys are
rolling with a top ten offense and defense this season. So, I suspect they may
be the play here, much like Dan is playing with himself as he sends little
shocks to my balls which are attached to the other end of those electrodes on
his nipples. It is a hard life here in Dan’s basement, and the people of Philly
know what a hard life is all about, so my sympathies are with them, especially
when contrasted and compared with the soulless villainy that is the Dallas
Cowboys, led by a wretched lizard oil baron, who will probably be the next
president of these United States. May God help us all. And also, God, if you
get a chance, could you talk to Dan about his behavior? Thanks, G, you a real
dude.
Pick: Dallas
New England (-9.5) at NY Jets
Somewhere in a high rise penthouse, a man stands flexing
before a mirror. He is nude. His body is hairless, oiled with the blood of so
many Filipino orphans, and he has his dick tucked in between his legs. His
wife, stands behind him, whipping him with the flayed flesh of those poor Filipinos
and she says “Thomas, you must observe all the rituals of the Necronomicon.”
And the man stares at his reflection in the mirror and he wonders what he has
become, and he recites the lyrics to Huey Lewis’ Sports album in its
entirety, singing each word quietly to himself as a mantra. The Power of Love
is a curious thing, he chants, and ponders for a moment the fact that it isn’t
even one of the songs on Sports. I want a new drug he sings to himself,
one that won’t make sick, one that won’t make me crash my car or make me feel three
feet thick. Gisele, meanwhile, sucks the blood from a Guatemalan she bought on
the dark web, and ponders the work of Enigma. She thinks of her German roots,
blended with her Brazilian upbringing and she wonders what Tom would look like
covered in shit. She smiles to herself, a private little smile, and she
imagines Tom’s flesh being flayed from his body and she laughs and thinks to
herself what a wonderful world.
Pick: New England
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