Where the Hell Are We? Part 8: Draft Aftermath

(Quick note before we begin: I’m going to Florida to hang out with The Great Willie Young and won’t be back until late next week, so this is it for this week and next week. After I get back, I’ll do individual draft profiles like a fucking nerd and I have some other fun stuff planned, so you’re stuck with me for a while. Yay?)

“The best-case scenario here is that Wiggins is really good depth and that the Lions manage to snag, say, Frank Ragnow of Arkansas in the draft to be the starting center for the next decade.”

That was me, a couple of weeks ago, once again showing that in the blizzard of idiot gibberish there is occasionally a perfect snowflake that flutters to the ground. You just have to pay attention. I do know what I’m talking about once in a while, and you should cherish me as a somewhat useful idiot. On the other hand, I understand it’s hard to read more than ten words these days and I assume 99% of you have already checked out here to look at memes and jerk off. I mean, that’s what I’m doing right now and I’m the one writing this.

Okay, let’s start over. Anyway . . . yeah, I nailed the whole Frank Ragnow thing so, naturally, I think he’ll be a Hall of Fame demigod. Or at least a very solid 10-year starter, a Pro Bowler and a dude nobody really talks that much about because he’s a fucking center and the only time anyone really even notices the center is when he’s messing up or flipping off the fans or getting driven into Matthew Stafford’s lap during a running play. Fuck you, Dominic Raiola.

Shit, let’s start over again! I like the pick. I probably shouldn’t mention that I actually thought that “best case scenario” involved getting Ragnow in the second round rather than the first, but I believe in being honest with you and besides, why quibble?

Ragnow is a safe pick, and fans don’t really like safe picks. They want something flashy that immediately causes an endorphin rush. They don’t want an infrastructure pick, and that’s exactly what Ragnow is. He was picked to solidify the Lions foundation. If your building is built on quicksand, nothing else will matter. That fucker is going down.

But Ragnow was just part of a larger plan which revealed itself I think over the weekend. Drafting Ragnow in the first shows that the Lions really, really want to finally fix the offensive line. Drafting Tyrell Crosby in the fifth – a dude who was supposed to go earlier than that – shows just how much they want to build that wall up front. Despite only having six picks in the entire draft, the Lions spent two of them on the interior of the offensive line. They then used their seventh-round pick to draft a fucking fullback. Yes, in 2018. That is three out of six picks devoted to building a strong running game and protecting Matthew Stafford. Message sent.

If that wasn’t enough, they traded up to take a running back, Kerryon Johnson, in the second round. Combine him with the free agent signing of LeGarrette Blount, and the signings of offensive linemen Wesley Johnson and Kenny Wiggins, who both have starting experience, and Bob Quinn is practically screaming in your face with a bullhorn what the priority is here.

The Lions are acting like Doomsday Preppers when it comes to the line and the running game, hoarding dudes and guns and food and ranting that you’re gonna get eaten when the grid goes down, and it’s hard to really blame them. I mean, we’ve been living in the End Times for the last 60 years already. It’s about time someone starts trying to build a shelter.

The upshot of all this is that the offense looks ready to go in a big fucking way. The offensive line now has five legitimately solid players up front, a few of whom could be stars, and several quality backups. The running game is both better and more coherent, with LeGarrette Blount set to do the tough inside running and Kerryon Johnson able to give them something more explosive on outside runs. And then Theo Riddick is still there to be an ideal third down back. Of course, Stafford is Stafford, the receivers are the best tandem we’ve seen since Herman Moore and Brett Perriman, and if Kenny Golladay stays healthy, they could be ridiculously scary. All that seems the least bit unknown is tight end, but in Luke Willson, Levine Tuiolo and Michael Roberts, all of whom are physically talented dudes, someone should emerge.

This all sounds so great I barely know what to do with myself. And then there’s the defense. And this is where I start staring longingly at the ether and drain cleaner, because right now . . . I don’t see it.

But part of the reason I don’t see it is because we don’t really even know or understand what we’re supposed to be seeing. We won’t really have a sense of what this defense is even supposed to be until we actually see them in a game. But the draft did at least give us an idea of what it will look like.

Going into the draft, it was basically taken as gospel that the Lions would draft an edge rusher. Or two. Or however many would make us feel confident that Aaron Rodgers wouldn’t rise from his throne in hell to pull us apart like characters in fucking Hellraiser again. Instead, the Lions drafted none. Wait . . . what?

Yes, instead of drafting an edge terror in the first round, which everyone thought was a foregone conclusion – hello, Harold Landry! Goodbye, Harold Landry! – the Lions just ignored the position completely. They also didn’t take a defensive tackle, which was probably their second biggest need – at least according to conventional wisdom. So what the fuck is going on here?

Well, the Lions did draft a defensive lineman, trading up in the 4^th round to grab Da’Shawn Hand, who is neither an edge dude nor a defensive tackle. Instead, he’s a defensive end whose main attributes seem to be his versatility and ability to hold up at the point of attack. And therein lies the answer.

If you’ve paid attention to the Patriots, you know that their defense is not an attacking defense. Like, at all. They don’t feature big pass rushing terrors and tackles for loss. They are the epitome of bend-but-don’t-break and occasionally oops-we-broke-and-just-cost-Tom Brady-another-Super Bowl. They also can’t really be easily identified as a 4-3 or 3-4 team, and most of the time, you can’t even identify who’s actually a starter. I talked about this when I did my overview of the defensive line. Positional ambiguity has never been more relevant, and Da’Shawn Hand’s position is ambiguous as hell. Is he a 4-3 end? Is he a 3-4 end? Is he gonna slide inside occasionally? What’s his real role? We don’t really know, and so all we have to go on are little bread crumbs we can pick up along the way.

The Lions say they want to use Hand in “heavy packages,” which screams “situational player.” But, they also traded next year’s third round pick to trade up to draft Hand, which to me says that they need him to be more than just another body.

And then you have to remember that both Bob Quinn and Matt Patricia are former Patriots and it starts to feel like Bill Belichick is the emperor cackling “good . . . goooood!” from beneath his hobo hoodie robes. Of course, Bill Belichick would be content if the Lions went 0-16 because he’s an emotionless sociopath, but the point is that this defense is almost certainly being built in his image, which explains why we need to pay attention to what the Patriots defenses have done.

Those defenses rely on the defensive line not to make plays but to control the line of scrimmage, to be responsible in maintaining gap integrity and all that nerd shit. Theoretically, this then frees up the linebackers to make plays. Of course, this requires that your defense have kickass linebackers, which . . . uhhhh.

Okay, okay, in hindsight, this really, really explains why Bob Quinn drafted Jarrad Davis in the first-round next year. You can see the plan. Jarrad Davis is supposed to be the centerpiece of this entire defense, both figuratively and literally. The hope is that he develops into an All-Pro. “Solid starter” isn’t going to be enough here, especially because the Lions don’t really have any other good linebackers, which is kind of a problem given the whole “kickass linebackers” thing.

Maybe Devon Kennard can be utilized as a big play outside linebacker type. Maybe Christian Jones will thrive in a new scheme. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Those maybes are scary as hell. And why wouldn’t they be? I mean, the last 60 years haven’t exactly given us reason to take a leap of faith. We’re abuse victims and you don’t ask abuse victims to blindly trust.

Look, most of the team’s needs heading into the draft were on defense and they didn’t really address any of them. At least not based on conventional thinking. The defensive line added a 4^th rounder who was mostly a disappointment in college who didn’t really do any one thing well, they traded away a future 3^rd rounder to get him and, man, they have to be seeing something I can’t. They did nothing at all at linebacker, they ignored cornerback – understandable if you take yet another leap of faith that Teez Tabor won’t be a bust – and then drafted a small-school safety in the 3^rd round. They seem to be excited to get Tracy Walker, and maybe he’ll turn out to be another key piece of the puzzle, but again, that’s yet another “maybe”, another “leap of faith” and “I can’t see it, but I guess I have to trust they know what they’re doing.” This is just too fucking much for a fanbase that can barely handle having to do one of those things at a time.

I can see where the Lions defense wants to go, I just don’t really have any faith that they’ll get there this season. There are just too many missing parts, too many leaps of faiths and maybes, and the whole thing will probably be a sloppy mess this season. Which kind of sucks because it means it’s another wasted Stafford year, and just ask Barry Sanders and Calvin Johnson what those will do to a dude. Hell, just ask me. Just ask yourself.

Still, I can at least see a plan. Is that enough for now? Maybe. I don’t know. The one thing that is taking shape to me is that this is Bob Quinn’s team. This is his vision, his plan. He hired Matt Patricia because Patricia is a dude who’s already familiar with that vision, that plan. This is a naked attempt to transplant the Patriot Way, and if it works things are gonna be amazing for the first time in, well, ever really. If they don’t? Well, we know exactly what that feels like. We’re being asked to take yet another Leap of Faith even though we’ve already broken every bone in our body in failed leaps. We’re like a really gullible Evel Knievel. Every bone in our body has been shattered, and so have our souls. And yet, here we are, putting ourselves together again and preparing to leap. Please catch us this time, please don’t be yet another trickster demon, Bob Quinn. Because there’s nothing left for us to break.

So . . . What Happened?

He's yawning, not roaring. At least that's what it said when I went looking for a picture of a yawning lion, okay? Get off my ass!

After the Lions lost to the 49ers, I proceeded to whine and bitch and moan about my own sports pain and basically ignored the most important question out there: what the fuck happened? So, uh, yeah . . . what the fuck happened?

The team was flat. This was pretty obvious and what’s worse is that I knew this was going to be the case coming into the game. I predicted that the Lions would win 24-23 but I spent most of that preview post gibbering about hangovers and openly fretting because I was worried that what ended up happening would happen. I think this was the most obvious problem, the one that overshadowed everything else in this game. I kept waiting for the team – the offense especially – to shift into a higher gear, but they stayed in low gear right up to the end and then that was that.

It says something about how far the Lions have come in such a short time that they lost simply because they assumed that they would win. I’m not sure if I can put it better than that but let me explain: the urgency simply wasn’t there and I don’t think that was just because of some dumb hangover from Monday night. I think the Lions felt like they would eventually win because they had eventually won the last 9 times they had played a regular season game. The expectation of victory is a necessary component to success but so is a fear of losing and the Lions seemed like they lost that fear a bit against the 49ers.

That is an incredibly bizarre thing to say about the Lions and about us given the critical role The Fear has played in our lives but I think that it’s true. The human spirit is malleable and changeable to a degree that can be both inspirational and alarming. It never takes as much time for people to change as people think once their environment is changed. Call it the Trading Places theory. You know, that movie in which a couple of old rich assholes take a street urchin like Eddie Murphy and make him into a blue blood money mogul and a ridiculously upper-crust rich fucker like Dan Aykroyd and turn him into a homeless raving junkie lunatic? Yeah, that one. Basically, the Lions were plucked from the sewer by a couple of old ass billionaires and now they’re walking around town in shiny suits, riding limos and balling society bitches. (Excuse me, I mean ladies. “Bitches” is such an ugly term, like “Millen” or “Pereira”, but in this case it made me laugh and, well, my laughter will always supersede basic taste.)

The Lions were both hungover and overconfident and the result was, well . . . it was Jim Harbaugh flipping the fuck out like he just won the Super Bowl. And that’s the other shocking thing here – how weird is it to see an opposing coach react with such joy and celebratory glee because his team beat the Lions? It’s just further proof that the Lions have become For Real.

But that’s a quick digression from my basic point, which is that the Lions lost largely because they never thought that they would – or could – lose. That’s an exceptional amount of hubris for a franchise whose record for the last half century is noted in the record book with a picture of a sobbing baby.

Look, the 49ers probably did enough to win that game. They were able to run the ball, they pressured the hell out of Matthew Stafford and they took advantage of key momentum swings. But, the reality is that I think the Lions lost that game more than the 49ers won it. That may seem like sour grapes but I was sitting there watching that game, and like everyone else, from the players themselves to all the fans at Ford Field, I was just waiting for the Lions to put the 49ers away. And then Delanie Walker slid into the endzone by the span of a faerie’s dick and . . . you know what? Even then, I felt like the whole thing was just a weird aberration and that the Lions would pull it out. After all, there were almost two minutes left, the Lions had three timeouts and shit, here comes top gear. And then Nate Burleson was interfered with on 4^th down, no call was made, everything went silent and everyone just sort of stood around for a few weird moments, wondering what the fuck just happened. Oops.

And that’s how the Lions lost that game. Because they just assumed that somehow, when the clock ran out they’d have the lead because that’s just how it’d been for over half a season’s worth of games. When it dawned on everyone that the Lions were indeed going to lose, there was just a sort of eerie confusion which permeated everything and everyone. No one knew how to take it, because the game felt somehow incomplete, and the Lions never got a chance to do what they came to do. They farted around for a while, and then when it came time to pull the trigger they realized that their trigger finger had fallen asleep. It was a weird game. The 49ers realized that they were in a war and they played accordingly. The Lions just sat and laughed and drank tea, assuming that the battle would spill down the street and they could go back to bed when it was done.

Still, the Lions almost won the damn game. They should have won the damn game. Perhaps the worst thing that happened to them was jumping out to that 10-0 lead. Any sense of urgency was obliterated by that. Oh sure, the coaches probably nattered on incessantly all week about not falling prey to that hangover, and I’m sure that the players believed that shit, but once the Lions were up 10-0 human nature kicked in. And once human nature takes over, there’s really nothing you can do about it. In their minds, they’d already won and everything that came after just felt like a petty annoyance that would eventually be corrected by the universe. But then the clock ran out, it wasn’t corrected and, well, here we are.

I’m not worried about this loss. Not really. In fact, I have kind of talked myself into it being a good thing for this team, something that needed to happen in order to correct all of the bullshit I just got done talking about. The Lions needed to lose so that they would fear it again. Actually, fear is a bad word here. I take that back. They needed to respect losing again. Expect to win, respect the possibility that you might lose. That’s what you have to do and if that gets out of whack at all, then you’re probably in trouble. And that got completely out of whack in the game against the 49ers. Hopefully, the result of that game will restore that balance. At least that’s what I’m telling myself.

As for the actual football issues, well . . . I’m just going to link to this piece by Ty, which pretty much says everything I wanted to say. I read that the other day and I thought damn right. Then my next thought was shit, there goes my idea for my next post. But I’m glad that he wrote it because I probably would have gotten all worked up and just started gibbering about werewolves or something. If you don’t mind me saying so, here’s the deal – if you want to know what went down against the 49ers, read this piece AND read Ty’s piece, combine them in your head in whatever form you like and, well, there you go. Hopefully, Ty doesn’t mind me conflating his excellent analysis with my uber-gibberish.

In the end, I don’t think this game meant anything other than the obvious – it was a loss and that sucked because losses always suck and it means that the Lions are now a game behind the Packers in the division. I guess if I’m taking anything away from this game on a larger level, though, it’s that this game could turn out to be a net positive, if only because it will force the Lions to once again respect the possibility that they can lose. Do other teams have a roadmap for how to beat the Lions? Yeah, maybe. But the thing is, is that if the Lions play like they can, none of that will matter. What this game ultimately showed me, and I guess this is the whole point of this post, is that the one team that is most capable of beating the Lions is, well, the Lions. That might seem a bit clichéd, but it’s true. I mean, the 49ers went to war while the Lions sat around like they just got done hanging out with Morrissey listening to old Mazzy Star albums and still, the Lions should have won that game. The 49ers stole that fucking thing and deep down, everybody knows it. In a weird way, it was just further confirmation that the Lions are a team that is, indeed, for real.

I know, I know, that sounds like senseless gibberish, the sort of thing a moony eyed optimist would blather about instead of dealing with reality but fuck you, I think that it’s true and honestly – and you’re goddamn right I’m playing this card now – I’ve been pretty damn right about this whole fucked up story since I started writing about this team in 2008. This was a game I saw coming and I said as much, and well, it happened and now we can move on. If we played the 49ers this week, I think the halftime show would be Jim Schwartz playing Jim Harbaugh’s ribcage like a xylophone and the postgame meal would see The Great Willie Young sucking the marrow out of one of Anthony Davis’ leg bones. This was a game won and lost thanks to timing, to a confluence of weird factors having little to do with actual football and more to do with the mental and metaphysical side of things. These are factors which are unlikely to repeat themselves and, well, there you have it. That’s what fucking happened.