Pretending This Is Fun

The Kansas City Chiefs roll into town in an unlikely showdown between undefeated teams. That the Chiefs are unbeaten behind rock star sex god quarterback Patrick Mahomes should come as no surprise, but the Lions holding steady with zero losses is a bit more of a puzzler.

That puzzle should be solved late Sunday afternoon when Mahomes carves the Lions up, dissecting them live on national TV, forcing them to wail in bloody surrender as their bodies are burned before the eyes of god and man. That is probably what will happen, but who even fucking knows with this team anymore? I wouldn’t be surprised if the Chiefs weren’t rolled into carpets and driven out of town while the locals whooped it up and reclaimed their civic pride, but more than likely, the streets will run red with the blood of our own while Mahomes and his boys rape the countryside.

I wish it didn’t have to be this way. I wish that the Lions would rise up and beat down the Chiefs in honor of Barry Sanders with Christian Okoye’s head mounted on a spike to let Barry know that we still remember when he was so close to winning the rushing title as a rookie before Okoye stole it from him on the last day.

I wish the Lions could rise up and drag Mahomes off the field in a bodybag cackling madly into the night. If not for me, then for the spirit of Gunther Cunningham, former Chiefs and Lions defensive wizard. I didn’t know that he died earlier this year, which is sad, and also surprising given that he was very much of the spirit warrior type, but even 73 years are enough for many spirit warriors who tend to burn out and bleed earlier than the rest. But anyway, he’s dead and somehow the Lions are not, and I’m not quite sure how this has come to be.

Start with what the Lions do well, which, uh, let me check on some things, and ah yes, appears to be not much at all. Matthew Stafford has been reasonably effective through the air, but poor Kerryon Johnson is only averaging 2.6 yards per carry, which is pitiful, and alarming given the Lions obvious preference towards having a strong running game.

So sound the alarms although it is obvious that no one is listening and that even if they were it probably would be too late to save Matthew Stafford from the pain he endures once teams realize they only need to tee off on him to send the Lions offense into a death spiral.

But that is all a lot of ugly talk and miserable conjecture, especially because, for now, Stafford represents our last best hope for getting out of this mess alive. He has a trio of at least functional receivers and a decent rookie tight end who is helping to erase the sting of an Eric Ebron hangover, and if he steps it up a bit here I don’t see why the Lions can’t at least stay in the dreaded playoff talk, which is a weird thing for me to say amidst the usual doomsaying and such, but fuck it, best to just roll with this and pretend we were up for it all along. Sure, fuck it, why not?

Still, it’s tough to see the Lions surviving against the Chiefs here, and sometimes it doesn’t have to be any more complicated than that. I could prattle on all day about keeping spirits up, maybe invoke The Great Willie Young, but in the end I’m afraid I have too say that it will be a good day to be a Mahomes fan and a band one to be a Detroit Lions fan, but such is life here in the spirit wars and we will live to fight another day.

And that is about the best thing you can say if you’re a Lions fan. Live to fight another day, be happy that you’re alive to fight this one and fuck it, maybe when you add all the days up you’ll find one perfect day at the end. Fuck, I don’t know what I’m rambling about. Don’t listen to me, a humble jackass. Just listen to your heart and if your heart tells you that the Lions can pull this one off, then fuck it, let’s just roll with that because I am sick of whining about losing especially when that’s something the Lions haven’t actually done this season. Give me Stafford or give me death, or at least give me a chance to enjoy life as a Lions fan in the year of our lord 2019.

3-0-1 sounds even better than 2-0-1, and especially if it means being clear of the Chargers, Eagles and Chiefs in the early going, I’d say we’re doing just fine. Get passed the devil and shit, then we’ll be talking. Playoffs? Indeed, which is a weird thing to be rambling about already, but you never know. I wish it was with better dudes in charge, people who I could feel proud to roll with, but you take what you get out on these streets.

I’m close to picking a Lions upset here, but we all know that it would be foolish on my part, so in the end let’s just hope that looking a fool is in style this season and I will be, as always, a fool in love with you. So let’s just leave it here, with visions of 3-0-1 dancing in our heads and be happy. After all, we’ll have enough time to wallow in the valley of the dead once Mahomes goes all Superman on us and until then I will remain content to pretend that the Lions, my Lions, will seize the day. Or at least not completely fuck it up, such is their way.

Anyway, I am rambling and all that’s left to do is shut the fuck up and predict a score here, which . . . let’s see . . . yes, I’m seeing something with a 69 in it, and okay yes, good . . . Lions 69, Chiefs 7 because if you’re going to roll stupid might as well roll as stupid as possible. Love you idiots, for I am Krishna.