NFC East Preview

The NFC East has long been the home of everyone who has fucked up America, including a team that is neither in the East nor American except as a shiny trojan horse filled with ugly fucked up Reaganesque Americanism, a lonely rider on a pale horse emerging from that trojan horse to urge us to buy more guns and eat more babies and maybe slap a Mexican or two. That is, I suppose, America’s Team after all, a hollow souled outfit run by a conman who bought it from another conman while pushing a sort of white-breaded Americanism, complete with soulless hookers with stars on their asses, pom poms bouncing as idiots obliterate their own brains and the brains of others, everyone in a ten gallon hat like JR Ewing, oil salesmen with rictus grins pushing the boys to kill themselves while at the same time conspiring behind closed doors to keep their wages lower than any of their sporting contemporaries despite the fact that the NFL is the most gold-laden Mar a Lago of the soul of all the sports.

But that is just one team, and we’ll get to that shit in a minute, because there are other teams, the team in the swampland that is now the capital of this ridiculous country, run by a used car salesman of an owner petty enough to sue his own fans, wretched enough to pervert and ruin a franchise to the point that true spirit warriors like my dudes Raven and Paul have been forced to flee to the welcoming embrace of international football, aka soccer, aka the only sport left to the dirt people of the world, and I say that not in a shitty racist way, but in a commendable way because we’re all poor on the inside, with the exception of the type of people who run things like the NFL, and we’re all just people living in the dirt hoping that somehow tomorrow will be better than all the bullshit yesterdays and holy shit this has all been one sentence, what the fuck?

Anyway, there is that team, mired in the swamp, run by its Napoleon of an owner, a sad man eager to run off the wild hogs of old in favor of more rictus grinned monsters just like his daddy with his America’s team. And there is another team, a team living in the dark heart of Tony Soprano’s America, a team that plays its games in places where the endzones are the secret graves of the corrupt and vile, buried in cement so that everyone who goes to the games there is tainted with the brutality of the American underbelly, where the land itself oozes with greed and contempt for human dignity. There is that team, a place where cold men have assholed their way to prominence and spawned the uber-asshole monster empire that resides just up the seaboard a little way.

And then there is that other team, a team representing a city of jackal souled hooligans who would chew the faces of babies for a dollar and then turn around and beat the women those babies slid from. There is that team, with its fans Always Sunnying it up, wretched and depraved, waiting to do terrible things to the rest of the monsters in this division, and then you take all of those teams and all of those cities and all of the vile men who have run them and this country for so long and you can see why the NFC East is the most popular division in all of football. This is the heart of the America that has swindled an entire planet, the heart of the America that has let things get so fucked up for so many people, that has always been here, that has always been that corrupt heart belonging to a people who just wanted a land of their own to exploit and master, to ruin with their unfathomable greed and ugly Puritanism, a harsh thing, a petty thing that values meanness and cutting the throats of anyone vulnerable and drinking their blood atop a mountain of fuck money and burned witches.

That is the NFC East, and no matter who wins the division, we will all have been sullied by the experience. No team in this division has managed to defend their crown the last 15 seasons, which speaks to the cannibalistic nature of the division, four wretched one percenter teams just eating each other year after year. That doesn’t spell good news for America’s Team, the Dallas Cowboys, who won the division last season, wrenching it from the Philadelphia Eagles, who were drunk on the virgin blood wine they finally got to taste with the blessings of Father Goodell.

But if the Cowboys don’t win it, who will? Well, I guess that’s what we’re here to find out.

The Eagles would probably be the best bet, recovered from their hangover and ready to go back and get drunk all over again. But that depends on whether Carson Wentz can stay healthy and whether Doug Pederson can rediscover his testicles after a year spent tucking them boys in between his legs in spots where the year before he had let them bounce all over the chins of his enemies.

If Pederson can get a bit more daring and Wentz can stay healthy, the Eagles very well may be the team to take this division. They brought in Jordan Howard to be their thumper in the backfield and drafted Miles Sanders, who served as Saquan Barkley’s apprentice at Penn State, to be the dude they want to develop into an every down back. They also brought back DeSean Jackson and he should add a fireworks kind of dude into the receiving corps that the Eagles have lacked even during their Super Bowl run.

Defensively, they’ll be solid, with Jim Schwartz dialing up the pressure and making me shout vile things at the TV whenever I see him on it. The dude can coach a defense for sure, and even if his time in Detroit ended with me cursing the entire franchise and saying fuck it I’m out of here for a couple of years, he will have his boys ready to eat the brains of opposing quarterbacks while a bunch of Mooks like my boy Tosh sit in the stands and hurl batteries at Santa Claus.

But that doesn’t mean that the Eagles are destined to win the division or anything because I mean, come on, they are the Eagles and one Super Bowl triumph does not erase a history of puking quarterbacks and Failure Demons popping up on every street corner looking like Danny DeVito on meth.

But if it’s not the Eagles, then who can dethrone the wretched Cowboys? The Giants are in year two of their rebuild, and might have enough juice in Eli Manning left to take a quick run before transitioning to the Daniel Jones era, which I say with a smirk because he was drafted by the Giants because he looked good in a goddamn All-Star game, and not because he was a generational talent at Duke, which . . . what? Duke wasn’t very good with him at quarterback? Oh, I’m sure that he’ll be fine then in the NFL. Get me that quarterback from Duke is not a thing any sane general manager or front office type would say, but here we are, that poor boy fresh off the bus, not ready at all for the barrage of piss and shit dumped on him by Tony Soprano wannabes as he withers and crumbles to dust in the New York furnace.

So, the Giants have an old ass Eli Manning, who is just sort of awkwardly hanging on and collecting those fat paychecks because no one in the Giants organization has the balls to empty his locker into a box and put it on the street. It’s hard to rebuild when the old building refuses to come down, and even if the old building finally collapses, the new one is probably not structurally sound to live in for a few years, if ever, because remember, this is a building that was built at motherfucking Duke, who build piss poor houses.

Saquon Barkley is the real deal at running back, but this is no longer a run first or even a run second league anymore. It is a pass first and then pass again and then fuck it, okay, fine let’s sneak a run in there just to keep everyone honest league now. And in this league, the Giants have to rely either on an aged and lesser Manning or a white bread boy from fucking Duke of all places to throw to a receiving corps that just traded its best player away in Odell Beckham. That does not bode well for success, even if Barkley manages to be the new Barry Sanders. Remember, Barry Sanders never won shit, and while much of that owes to the lololol please kill me world that is the Detroit Lions, it also shows that if you don’t have a quarterback in the NFL, you don’t have shit. And that was even before the passing game truly eclipsed the running game in the NFL.

Bill Parcels isn’t on that sideline anymore, and even if he was, his sneering bloated face wouldn’t be able to do jack shit in this here modern NFL. There is no coked out Lawrence Taylor to raise hell on opposing offenses, and Parcells would probably just spend all his time thinking up ways to hang Daniel Jones from a hook in his basement like a pig, showing up every now and then to cut a flank or maybe throw some hands at it like a punching bag.

But what about the Washington Redskins, you may ask, and while you may ask it, I am afraid that I have to tell you to shut the fuck up because the Washington Redskins are a wretched hive of soulless obsequiousness, content to roll over while Daddy Jerry Jones fucks their asses in a cheap motel somewhere in Northern Virginia before spending a day trading rictus grins with Donald Trump in the capitol city proper.

Yes, those Redskins are here, trying to break in a rookie quarterback yet again while desperately clinging to the lie that is Adrian Peterson in 2019. That is, uh, well . . . it ain’t good. It is the never ending story of the Washington Redskins in the Daniel Snyder era, and I see no reason why it will somehow get better this year.

Alex Smith was brought in to save the day, but his leg was chewed off in the middle of the season, and he is probably done forever, which forced the Redskins to draft Dwayne Haskins, who might be good, but he is still a rookie and also, he is a soulless monster birthed in the Horseshoe shaped hell of Columbus, Ohio which has never ever sent one of its quarterbacks to glory in the NFL. It’s true, you can look that shit up. There has never been an Ohio State quarterback who succeeded in the NFL. Never. Yes, I am strangling a Buckeye right now while wearing the Tom Brady flesh mask I had made a while back, but don’t let that get in the way of the simple truth, which is that Ohio State quarterbacks have always been shit and they always will be.

So, what’s left to rely upon? Adrian Peterson? Fuck, that dude is still going but he is a ghost of himself now, capable of rattling a few chains in the night to scare idiots, but not able to do a goddamn thing once the sun comes up and he is exposed as an old man with no knees and the branch he used to beat his kid bloody with in his gnarled old man hands, and yes he is five years younger than me but fuck it, I am old too and if I tried to run the 40 right now, I’d probably trip and need to blow on a whistle to get someone else to pick me back up, and that’s not just because I am a drug addict, it is also because when you get to this age, everything hurts more than it used to and it sucks because you don’t feel old but then you try to do some wild shit you did in your twenties and end up icing a hernia and wondering when you came down with the Rickets or some crazy shit.

The Redskins just don’t have the offensive firepower they need to compete in the modern NFL, and even if they did, it would all be fucked up and tainted by Daniel Snyder, who in between suing his own fans and ignoring voice mail threats made by Raven Mack, would invariably mettle in the whole thing and probably end up doing blow off of Dwayne Haskins’ dick in the locker room.

This is not a team that you can trust on any sort of spirit warrior level, and it certainly isn’t a team that deserves anything other than to be disbanded and given away to various indigenous peoples, who will skin all the players and make Daniel Snyder eat his own entrails before they finally burn him alive and then feed the meat to their dogs.

Which I guess brings us back around to the Dallas Cowboys and that whole shitshow of New Americanism, run by an evil oil ghoul and supported whole heartedly by bigots in ten-gallon hats. No one represents the cynical scum layer of America like the Dallas Cowboys, with their shine-faced greed and their preposterous sense of self importance. They are an evil team, a team beloved by loudmouthed assholes with big trucks and little dicks, a team bathed in the blood of the American Nightmare, soulless and wretched.

They are the defending NFC East champs, which as I said before means that they are probably doomed. Still, on paper, they have to be considered the favorites. Dak Prescott is a good quarterback – not great, but good enough – to get this team into the playoffs, and if Ezekiel Elliot gets his contract sorted out, the two of them can work behind one of the best offensive lines in the NFL.

It all sounds great, and the Cowboys have weapons at receiver like Amari Cooper and Randall Cobb, who they hope will be a huge upgrade over Cole Beasley, who was a weaselly motherfucker. They also have Jason Witten again, who comes out of retirement to . . . well, I don’t know why he came out of retirement except as some sort of vanity thing. But he used to be great and is still probably better than a lot of dudes, and who knows, maybe he sucked at the teat of chemical love, which you can totally do and still piss clean if you know how to game the system. I wouldn’t put it past these fucks, and it is that ruthlessness that has served them so well over these many years.

Still, the Cowboys haven’t even been to an NFC Championship game since 1995, which was 24 years ago and yeah I know, how the fuck is 1995 a generation away already? Well, it is, and it shows that for all of Jerry Jones’ conniving, the Cowboys haven’t been able to do jack shit for a quarter of a century now.

On paper, they are probably the team to beat, especially if Sean Lee can get healthy at linebacker, but history says that they probably won’t win the division and will likely flame out of any Wild Card situation they get themselves into.

So, where does that leave us? Fuck, I don’t know. Any of these teams could probably win the division this year and any of them could finish last. That’s because none of them are either good or bad really, they’re all just sort of the same soulless teams, representing hellmouth cities, beloved by grotesque fans, lizard people gnawing at the underbelly of the rest of us. It almost doesn’t matter who wins the NFC East because we will all be poorer for having them in our lives. Jerry Jones and Daniel Snyder are vampires, sucking the life fluids from regular folk. The Giants are a team of assholes, beloved by assholes, and the Eagles are always good for a fuck up, representing a city of fuckups and malcontents, who will happily shit in your face before jacking off in the shadow of the Rocky statue.

The only thing we do know is that whoever wins this division will be utterly contemptible, and that their boorish fans will make loud noises and squawk endlessly at the rest of us because they are a shit people, stuffed in shit cities, Mooks and Cowboys and Lizard Men Senators side by side in a parade of the American Nightmare, loud and abrasive, throwing batteries at Santa Claus, casually ordering a drone strike on some brown people at a wedding, breathing through their mouths as they sweat all over the unions and punch Grandma right in the pussy because she couldn’t come up with the vig this week, riding their steel horses wearing ten gallon hats and Making America Great Again one Ice raid at a time. This is the most popular division in the entire NFL, and that pretty much says it all right there.

Predicted Standings

1. Philadelphia Eagles 10-6

2. Dallas Cowboys 10-6

3. New York Giants 7-9

4. Washington Redskins 6-10