Week 2 has come and gone and I went 10-6, so if you listened
to me maybe you are running down the strip with your dick out, waving it at
every Vegas showgirl and hustler you can find, waiting for just one of them to
jump on it and start sucking the soul out of you. But that is all just useless conjecture
and you might be sitting at home thinking that Neil is on to something this
year, and hey, maybe I am. But probably not, because I’m likely to bomb all
these goddamn picks this week and send you to an early desert grave where even
the snakes don’t give good handies and the lizards will simply play marbles
with your poor balls, watch as your semen bakes under the light of the hot
desert sun, cry as a vulture swoops down to pluck out your eyeballs and know
that next week is next week and you might get lucky, but probably not so shut
the fuck up and start filling in that grave, we’ve got lies to tell and tears
to shed, hearts to wilt and dicks to get mangled by a scorpion as we enter the
river of lies that is NFL Football, and hopefully we don’t get sucked out to
sea and eaten by a shark before we can collect on our bounty hard won from this
week’s picks. So let us begin.
Philadelphia (+3) at Green Bay
Well, it’s the devil vs the It’s Always Sunny Gang, and to
be honest, it will likely come down to which team has the meanest, nastiest
bunch of shithead fans to push them over the top. Normally that would make the
Eagles the easy pick here, but you sure shouldn’t bet against the devil, not
when he’s at home and he has an entire stadium full of cheese-engorged
cowfuckers cheering him on and threatening to pull an Eagle into the crowd
every time they fly by. This is nasty business, especially because the goddamn
devil isn’t even on fire yet. Let him get warmed up and he’ll roast these Eagles
all day long. These aren’t the Lions, Eagles fans, and shit, even if it were,
that’s still not even remotely close to what you’ll experience at the hands of
the devil. Aaron Rodgers is going to eat you, he is going to shit you out and
you are going to stare up at his asshole as he makes another goddamn TV
commercial and you will know what hell is really like.
Pick: Green Bay
Carolina (+4) at Houston
Cam Newton is out, so yeah, roll with the Texans here, who
will be ready to ride JJ Watt straight through the heart of whatever Carolina
throws out there. And then it’s just up to DeShaun Watson and the Texans
offense to finish the job. This could be a buttfucking of epic proportions. Ric
Flair gonna cry when he watches this.
Cleveland (+5) at Baltimore
Always a lot of hate here, which is good, but really it will
all come down to whether Baker Mayfield can outgun Lamar Jackson, two Heisman
winners who can do pretty much anything on the field looking to prove that
their way is the best. The Browns will probably try to throw a lot, while the
Ravens will like to run it on the Browns, but at the end of the day it’s gonna
come down to whoever is willing to stab the other dude to win. Ray Lewis will
do that shit. Get him on the field with Ed Reed and they’d scandalize the Browns.
But Baker Mayfield and Jim Brown could just as easily roll through Baltimore
throwing hands and touchdowns and everything else. Mayfield is a cocky bastard
and he’ll no doubt want to light it up in front of Art Modell’s corpse to prove
that Cleveland is the real deal and that Baltimore are just thieves, but don’t
count out Lamar Jackson, who can run all day and doesn’t give a single fuck
about the Cuyahoga River, long may it burn.
Pick: Baltimore
Washington (+2.5) at NY Giants
Saquon Barkley is out, which is a shame, but I don’t know if
it really matters. Old hates tend to decide these games better than what hot
new flashy rookie is in or out of the lineup, but then again, the Giants
desperately need someone like Barkley, especially if Daniel Jones isn’t ready
for the job yet. The Redskins also stink, of course, but would no doubt take
prime satisfaction in cutting the achilles of the Giants while they sleep.
Washington is 0-3 and riding Case Keenum and Adrian Peterson’s ghost so it’s
tough to see them doing anything positive here, but the Giants do not have one
fucking thing to lean on here, so I’m afraid it might be dudes getting buried
in the endzone next to Jimmy Hoffa while the obnoxious fans eat each other and
the Redskins get dragged out of the stadium by Indian protesters who will set
fire to everything and we can all go home and get fucked.
Pick: Washington
LA Chargers (-16) at Miami
Things aren’t going so well for the Miami Dolphins, and
Philip Rivers is more than capable of putting half a hundred on these geeks
while Don Shula slobbers on himself and Bob Griese fucks Larry Czonka in the
ass with a champagne bottle. Then again, Phillip Rivers is prone to shitting
himself in situations like this, so maybe the Dolphins can hang on. I doubt it,
though, because these dudes are straight trash this season and Philip Rivers
simply needs to walk the ball 70 yards each drive to get out of this shithole
with an easy cover.
Pick: Chargers
Oakland (+6.5) at Indianapolis
This is interesting because the Colts can run up the points
here and the Raiders are pretty much dogshit. Frank Reich has basically said he
doesn’t need Andrew Luck because he has schemed himself a damn good team behind
Jacoby Brissett while Jon Gruden still farts around in Oakland with Derek Carr
who probably doesn’t want anything to do with this old asshole before they move
on to the desert next year. Carr’s older brother David infamously had his
brains scrambled as an NFL quarterback with the Texans and he needs to get the
fuck out now before Gruden turns him into another potato like his bro. The Carrs
don’t deserve this shit.
Pick: Indianapolis
New England (-6) at Buffalo
The only intrigue here is whether Tom Brady wears the Bills
fans’ faces as a mask as he skull fucks them into oblivion with a happy Gisele
clapping him on. The Bills don’t have much going for them, but shit, they do
have OJ Simpson, who is just the knife wielding psychopath Tom Brady needs to
watch out for. He doesn’t have Aaron Hernandez around anymore to kill dudes for
him. And Antonio Brown’s crazy ass isn’t around to save him either anymore, so
now it’s just an old ass Tom Brady trying to get out of Buffalo alive before OJ
can run him down. Tom knows how to kill too, as you can tell thanks to the
razor blades taped to his forearms and the chainsaw he has hidden in his trunk,
but OJ is another animal all together and when the knives come out don’t be
surprised if it’s Tom and a dead white bitch named Gisele lying in blood while
OJ flees the country. This is the battle America has been waiting for. Tom
Brady vs The Juice, knives and guns and chainsaws and god knows what else ready
to turn Buffalo into a red mist. They don’t come out of their homes at night,
Bills fans, not after being the AFC Lions for these many years and the last
thing they need is the sight of Tom Brady carving The Juice’s Balls into their
pumpkins this fall.
Pick: New England
Tennessee (+3.5) at Atlanta
The Titans look pretty good this year, while the Falcons
look like they are tumbling into a shithole of their own making again. I’ll go
with the Titans, if only because the Falcons are a trap, lulling you into a false
sense of security with Matt Ryan and Julio Jones before their defense craps out
on you and leaves you looking like a piece of shit. I wouldn’t really trust the
Titans either, but the thing is, you can’t not trust both teams so in the end
let’s go with Tennessee.
Pick: Tennessee
Tampa Bay (+9) at LA Rams
Rams all day, baby, especially because Jameis Winston can’t
stop throwing interceptions but especially because the Rams are a good team and
the Buccaneers are a flaming piece of shit. It really doesn’t have to get any
more complicated than that. Aaron Donald will eat Jameis alive and Todd Gurley
will just run it down their throats. Put it together and it’s easy to see why
one team will be in the Super Bowl and the other will be slippin’ on stolen crab
legs.
Pick: LA Rams
Seattle (-3) at Arizona
Never trust a rookie in the desert, especially when he’s
going up against a better version of himself in Russell Wilson. The Seahawks should
roll here, especially when you consider that Kyler Murray is a midget and that
Pete Carroll loves him some southwestern sun. Wilson will give the Seahawks all
the cover they need offensively, while Murray will be smashed by Carroll and
Bobby Wagner over and over and over again. The Seahawks might not be the same
team they were a few years ago, but they sure can still fuck up the Cardinals.
Pick: Seattle
Minnesota (+3) at Chicago
Kirk Cousins is shit, while Mitch Trubisky may be too, but
don’t overlook the Bears defense, led by Khalil Mack. Cousins won’t know what
to do with Mack shaking his shit up play after play, and while the Vikings
defense is good enough on its own to harass Trubisky, I don’t think it’s nearly
enough to account for the kind of limp wristed shit the Vikings will get from
Cousins, that fake ass motherfucker from Holland who wants to suck Betsy Devos’
titties and drink from the dick of her brother who founded Blackwater. He is a
rotten piece of shit and must be dealt with appropriately. My only concern is
that the Bears will fuck it all up because that’s what the Bears do, they fuck
it up, but as long as Cousins dies a coward’s death, I’ll be happy.
Pick: Chicago
Jacksonville (+3.5) at Denver
Pick: Jacksonville
Dallas (-1.5) at New Orleans
Drew Brees is out (fuck him) so Dallas should roll here,
right? I mean, you never know what voodoo horrors New Orleans will have in
store for them, but I mean, come on, this is pretty much a slam dunk, right? Go
with the Cowboys and hold your nose. Don’t let Jerry Jones know you’re helping
him out and then we can get together and march on his plantation together with
a team of hillbillies and Mexicans, stopping only to fuck and get high, as we
overthrow the tyranny of his oil soaked shithouse of an empire. We string him
up outside his place and no one fucks him until then. That’s the deal, and then
we can set his ass on fire and you can all take turns fucking his corpse as it
gets dragged down to hell.
Pick: Dallas
Cincinnati (+4.5) at Pittsburgh
Ben Roethlisberger is dead so this is an easy pick, right? I
mean, fuck that guy. But then again, you can’t overlook the old hates that will
make this game closer than it has any right to be. Ben Roethlisberger isn’t
around to rape anyone so that’s good and the Bengals merely need to string
together a couple of touchdown drives and everyone can go home happy. It rarely
works out like that, but sometimes it does and in this case it’s hard to see
where the Steelers get their fire from. Maybe from a crazy Devin Bush lighting
motherfuckers up at linebacker? I don’t know. What I do know is these teams are
both 0-3 but one of them has the look of a team just waiting to get to the
draft next year and so let’s go with the Bengals of Cincinnati.
Pick: Cincinnati
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