The Los Angeles Rams have to be considered the favorite to
win the NFC West again given that they have the best running back in the NFL,
maybe the best group of receivers, a young franchise quarterback who is on a parabolic
curve of greatness, the most innovative young head coach in all of football,
and oh yeah, the no doubt best defensive player alpha warrior in the NFL. That,
uh, is all pretty good, right? It makes them the prohibitive favorite to win
this division and probably the NFC again and maybe even the entire NFL this
time around.
It all starts with the mind meld between head coach Sean
McVay and quarterback Jared Goff, who are two young dudes who probably have
mansions in the Pacific Palisades where they fuck all the beautiful people LA
has to offer, and when they’re not doing that they are chilling at the LA
Memorial Coliseum under a sun that never sets and where it never rains except
for maybe a sprinkling of pussy juice now and then from bioengineered Hot
People who live out their Tranquillo existence like characters in a Bret Easton
Ellis novel, fucking and sucking each other, doing blow and waiting for the
world to end.
It is an environment conducive to Big Shiny offense, which
the Rams probably do better than anyone else in the NFL, thanks to McVay and
Goff, all those receivers and, oh yeah, Todd Gurley dominating on the ground in
between deep bombs and orgies at Robert Evans’ place. But even if the offense
isn’t clicking for whatever reason, the Rams can just rely on Aaron Donald, the
NFL’s defensive alpha dog, to destroy opposing offenses, which he has done en
route to being a four time All Pro and the back to back defending defensive
player of the year.
That is a whole lot of fighter jet bomb angels to have on
one team, where, as I have mentioned, they live out a Tranquillo existence
devoted to utter hedonism and the promise that the sun will never set and that
it will never rain and it will always be like this in Hollywood, a place where
the young are constantly recycled and where vampires live forever sucking all
that beautiful young blood on beaches and in the hills and on Sunset, where
they openly stalk the street and suck on each other’s necks in a way that the
rest of America dreams about deep in their hearts, envious of the hedonism, too
chickenshit to taste any of it for themselves.
That is the world the Los Angeles Rams live in, and it is no
wonder that they are flying high, on top of the world, young dumb and full of
cum, immortals too beautiful and fucked up for the rest of America, living
forever or at least until they get bored and return to their coffins, to awake
at night and feed off of every ingenue fresh off the bus, a never ending menu
of human flesh, young and eternally perfect.
It’s easy to just go out and toss the football around when
you are a golden god, beholden to nothing, carefree of the tired morality of
the rest of a jealous country. It is touchdowns during the day and titties at
night, a carnival of the flesh that never ends, moving from the clubs to the
hills and then back down to the clubs again when ordinary fucking people are
asleep in their beds, trying to talk themselves into another dreary day in
Hayseed, America. The Rams live in that Paradise City where the grass is green
and the girls are pretty. Never mind the urchins living under the street, it’s
sunny out and fuckbots stalk the streets looking to suck your dick. This is Los
Angeles, baby, the crescendo of the American Dream, live fast, die young and
leave a good lucking corpse. Fuck the squares.
The Rams are golden gods in this world, young and perfect,
putting up the points that are inaccessible to the rest of America, and it
would take a miracle for anyone to knock them off their pedestal in this new
football season.
But the thing is, is that the rest of these teams in this
division all have something going for them, a secret hope that they can nourish
until it finally flourishes and bursts forth to overrun the Rams, drunk on
their own hedonism.
Start with the Seahawks, who have the best coach in the division
in Pete Carroll, a dude all too familiar with and comfortable in the glitz and
glamor of LA, who understands how to build the kind of defenses necessary to
slow the young dumb cum filled offenses of the city of angels. He still has
Bobby Wagner as the heart of that defense, and even though the Seahawks famed
Legion of Boom secondary have all been processed out, their meat packaged and
sold, you have to believe that Pete Carroll knows how to rebuild it all.
It helps that he still has Russell Wilson to rely on at
quarterback. Wilson gets better and better as a passer each season, and can
still rely on his legs to bail the Seahawks out. But Carroll has also rebuilt
the Seahawks running game, turning it into the best in the NFL last season, giving
the Seahawks the ability to control the pace of games against the firebombing
Rams. Put it all together, and you have a team capable of quickly returning to
the NFC West mountaintop. Never count out Pete Carroll and his boys.
This is especially true if they can find a receiver to pair
with big play machine Tyler Lockett. They drafted D.K. Metcalf, a dude who has
a tantalizing mix of size and speed, and if he can put it all together, then it
is easy to see Russell Wilson leading an attack that can at least hang with the
Rams, and maybe knock them off at the last minute if Carroll can rebuild his
defense around Wagner and bring it back to the terrifying no man’s land place
it occupied only a few short seasons ago.
It isn’t sunny in Seattle. It is cold and it is rainy, and
the beautiful people are all buried underneath flannel, but Seattle has a fiery
heart, a people smart and ironic, who understand how to play the beautiful people
of LA, to take what they build and subvert it to their own fucked up, heroin
chic beautiful lives. LA is a bright shiny smile. Seattle is the sardonic
laughter mocking it all, and this makes for a light vs dark showdown on the
edge of the American Dream, next to an ocean that is the only barrier for the fucked
up people of America, an ocean that is the only thing that stops them and keeps
them in one beautiful fucked up place, a place where they don’t have to run
from the ugliness of the rest of America, where they don’t have to hide and
where they can revel in their own fucked upness while miserable corn fuckers
live out their miserable petty lives on the farm.
That all makes for a beautiful rivalry for the Rams and
Seahawks, two sides to the same coin, one bright, one dark, each too beautiful and
fucked up for the ordinary fucking people of Hayseed America to understand.
The Seahawks are almost certainly the last best hope for the
rest of the NFC West to topple the burgeoning dynasty of the LA Rams, but they
are not the only ones who have at least something going for them.
The San Francisco 49ers have drowned hilariously in the
choppy Pacific waters ever since running Jim Harbaugh out of town, an act of
ridiculous hubris that has set them back to their old ways of struggling for an
identity in the shadows of the ghosts of Joe Montana, Steve Young, Jerry Rice
and the rest of the boys who once made the 49ers the envy of the entire NFL.
But there is hope that they can finally stop drowning and can once again build
a bridge between the now and that glorious past.
That hope mainly rests in the idea that Jimmy Garoppolo is
the real deal, the dude who got everyone excited after the 49ers stole him away
from the Patriots, where he was languishing as Tom Brady’s heir apparent. He
looked great in that late season stretch and gave birth to the kind of hopes
and dreams that were once commonplace for fans of this team. But then he got
hurt last season, and even before that he didn’t look like the dude who was
advertised to be the Next Big Thing.
That has the 49ers sort of nervously holding their breath,
hoping that Garoppolo is the dude who threatened Tom Brady, shaking him into
running Jimmy G out of town, and not the dude who the Patriots gave away while
Brady yawned and ate the cream of some young baby from between Gisele’s tits.
The 49ers are hoping and praying that he is the former
rather than the latter, but they have also invested in a little help for him in
the running game, where they have signed Tevin Coleman away from the Falcons
and if they can team him with wunderkind Matt Breida, who was a pleasant surprise
last season, and Jerrick McKinnon, who they hope can get himself healthy and
back to being the kind of runner who showed promise as Adrian Peterson’s understudy
in Minnesota, they will have a nice stable of backs that they hope can match up
with the Rams and Seahawks formidable rushing attacks.
Defensively, the 49ers are hoping that Nick Bosa can be the
pass rushing terror he promises to be, chasing down and funneling opposing quarterbacks
into the massive hands of DeForest Buckner who will be collapsing the pocket
from the middle like some dark nightmare, creating a pass rushing tandem that
should be devastating for dudes like Goff and Russell Wilson.
That is an awful lot to hope for, but at the very least, the
49ers seem to finally be trending in the right direction after a half decade of
bumbling around in the wake of owner Jed York’s jealous dismissal of Jim
Harbaugh. They still probably don’t have the receivers to keep up with the Rams
wild haired attack, and Garoppolo is far from a sure thing, but fuck it man, at
some point you have to roll the dice and hope that you’ve made the right moves.
Don’t plan on the 49ers somehow taking this division, but don’t completely dismiss
them either.
That leaves the Arizona Cardinals, who have decided to buy
the ticket and now hold their breaths as they take the wild ride promised by
New Hope Kyler Murray at quarterback and a wide open all out aerial assault
engineered by Air Raid master Kliff Kingsbury. It is a crazy risk given that
Murray is only 5’10” and likely to get squashed like a bug by some NFL terrorbot
pass rusher like Aaron Donald or Nick Bosa, and that Kingsbury only went 25-30
as a head coach at his alma mater, Texas Tech, who fired him because he could
never get the defense right.
The hope is that Kingsbury won’t have to worry about the
defense at all, allowing Vance Joseph to take care of that side of things as
defensive coordinator. Joseph flamed out as head coach of the Denver Broncos,
but he has an extensive background as a defensive assistant in the NFL,
including a run in the NFC West as the defensive backs coach under Mike
Singletary with the 49ers. The hope is that he can figure things out on the defensive
side and let Kingsbury play with his new toys on offense.
Murray is the most exciting of those toys, a dynamic dual
threat type who can just run away from you when he’s not busy throwing bombs,
but like I said, he is only 5’10” and it’s a hell of a risk counting on him to
not die in the NFL. The Cardinals traded away Josh Rosen in favor of Murray,
and honestly, I don’t like the move because Rosen is almost the perfect
quarterback for this style of offense, possessing the physical tools and
stature that Murray just doesn’t have. He doesn’t have Murray’s electrifying athleticism,
but that isn’t really necessary in a pure Air Raid kind of system, which just
needs a quarterback with a howitzer to pick apart opposing defenses all day
long.
Still, the Cardinals are excited to have a weapon like Murray,
and maybe he can survive in the NFL. I don’t fucking know. He certainly offers
a dynamic skillset and understands how to operate in a wide open passing attack
after winning the Heisman at Oklahoma, which is nice but also maybe a little
misleading since Baker Mayfield did the same thing the year before, suggesting
that perhaps the offense itself was the real star and that a dude like Murray
just needed to be dropped in and told to go as fast as possible. We’ll just
have to see how that plays out now that he is in the NFL, and it will be worth
keeping an eye on Jalen Hurts at Oklahoma, who profiles as a similar athlete as
Murray after transferring from Alabama, where he led them to the brink of a
national championship before being passed over in place of Tua Tagovailoa, who
famously replaced him in the national title game and tossed bombs in victory.
Hurts lost that job because Tua was a better passer, which is only relevant
because the same thing is probably true of Murray. If Oklahoma had Tua Tagovailoa
last year, Murray probably wouldn’t have seen the field and would probably be playing
in the Oakland A’s organization after being a highly prized first round draft
pick in baseball.
All of this is a long and winding way of saying that Kyler Murray
is far from being a sure thing, being a dude who just happened to play in the
perfect offense in the most wide open passing league in all of football in the
Big 12, illustrated by the success of Baker Mayfield the year before Murray’s
Heisman season. The NFL is a different animal all together, which is something
that both Murray and Kingsbury will to face and adjust for if the Cardinals have
any hope of this working.
Chances are that it will explode in on itself in the desert,
but what the hell, at least the Cardinals are really going for it here,
deciding to fight fire with a goddamn nuclear bomb of an attack that at the
very least will probably be exciting to watch. They have to hope that Christian
Kirk can take the next step towards being a star receiver in the NFL and that
Larry Fitzgerald has enough left in the tank to be the spirit animal for Murray
as he tries to adjust to life in the NFL. The Cardinals also picked up Hakeem
Butler in the draft, who they got as a steal in the 4th round after
a couple of years spent dominating the same Big 12 that produced Murray and Kingsbury.
Hopefully, they will give Murray and Kingsbury enough weapons to work with to
at least have a shot at running with the big boy Rams.
The team also hopes that David Johnson can return to form at
running back after a couple of injury plagued seasons. If they can get all of
that up and running, rock and rolling in the desert, where the sun burns away
the sin and leaves only fire-sworn fuck machines and crazy racists, then maybe
they have a chance to make a move here. Probably not this season, but you never
know in the West World hedonism of the NFC West, which is overrun by vampires
and silicone fuckbots, starting in the insane heat of the desert and making its
way up the coast, into Los Angeles, filled with its wild souled residents, who
fuck in the streets and on the beaches and most of all in the hills, where they
attend orgies and do blow and revel in their own perfection, and then into the
Bay Area, where the people are a little less outwardly extravagant, but still
wild and crazy, the place that was the epicenter for the Summer of Love back in
the day, when people literally fucked in the streets and ran back and forth
between the hedonism of LA and the righteous vibes of San Francisco, and then
finally onto the cynical rain filled embrace of Seattle, where the people are
still beautiful, but also wrapped in their own knowing rejection of the sun and
its people, holding to an ideal of credibility and Truth, to something realer
than LA, even smarter than San Francisco, and devoid of the wild racism and desert
insanity of Arizona. It is Kurt Cobain vs David Crosby vs Axl Rose vs Alice
Cooper, and they’re all beautiful and fucked up in their own ways, and their
souls all burn for something different, something better than what the rest of
white bread America can offer, having run all the way to the edge of a continent,
going west as Horatio Alger once beckoned them to do, running from the banality of
the Puritans until they could run no more, and now here they all are, gathered
on the Pacific shore where they all fuck hard and dream harder and where the
boring people can never touch them.
That is the battleground where the NFC West will be decided,
and it is the place where the people are all wildly different and yet very much
the same in their rejection of the uptight drear of Ma and Pa America. This is
where the true battle for the soul of America takes place, in the land where
the people chase the sun as it sets across from an impossibly huge ocean, where
they stare out and wonder what looks back at them, secretly wanting to wade into
the waters, deeper, deeper, deeper, until there is nothing left but oblivion
and the end of the pain that they all desperately ran from before the ocean was
just too big to cross. This is the division of the most restless souls in
America, of all the world, where the sun shines, the sands are soft and where
everyone has big tits and cums suntan lotion or maybe grows out their hair and
wails away with a guitar as the rain falls. This is the NFC West, the
apotheosis of the American Dream.
Predicted Standings
1. Los Angeles Rams 13-3
2. Seattle Seahawks 10-6
3. San Francisco 49ers 8-8
4. Arizona Cardinals 4-12
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