Your sweet, idiot boy here managed to squeak out an 8-7-1
record last week, which means that no digital thumbs are to be broken. At least
not yet, but the season is dark and full of terrors and I’m sure that I will
make a bunch of embarrassing picks along the way, coupled with the usual idiot
gibberish you know and love, all ending with me having to change my identity
again and flee to Baja where I can finally get that arts compound up and going
before I get murdered by whatever the fuck gang is rolling the highest down
there for the crime of enjoying the wrong Latina ass. But that is all in the
hazy future, and to be honest I will probably OD before then, so fuck it, let’s
just have some fun with this.
Tampa Bay (+5) at Carolina
Ol’ Crab Legs wasn’t all that impressive in week one, and
Cam Newton proved that he could at least throw the ball ten yards downfield,
and there is no shame in losing to the Rams, so coupled with Christian
McCaffrey running wild and catching everything thrown his way, it’s easy to
roll with the Panthers here. I mean, Crab Legs only managed 194 yards with 3
interceptions last week, so there is no relying on his worthless ass at this
point. So, best to go with Cam and Christian and the boys and hopefully it will
all end with Cam doing a Ric Flair impersonation at the press conference after
the game. That is all any of us can hope for in life, really. Maybe Tully
Blanchard could get involved, bring Baby Doll back from whatever truck stop she’s
working and let’s make this a scene.
Pick: Carolina
Indianapolis (+3) at Tennessee
Life in a post Andrew Luck world went about how you’d expect
last week, and there’s no reason to believe that the Colts will pull their shit
together any time soon. No, after Sucking for Luck not that many years ago, the
Colts are probably best served going that route again and hopefully this time
the dude won’t quit on them before his 30th birthday. Meanwhile,
Tennessee annihilated the poor Browns, which made me look foolish and
ridiculous, especially to poor Dan, who trusted in me to get him excited for
the Browns this year. But Dan knows that I am a liar and a fool so it’s fault
for listening to me really. Fuck off, Dan, I won’t bear your slings and arrows
from your ivory tower over in the Motherland, you Wigan fuck. You hear me? I
will take a flight over there and I’ll get you and Jude together and I will
have my way with you, you scoundrel, you cur. You haven’t heard the last of me,
you son of a bitch! Anyway, Tennessee should whip up on the Colts, and Dan
better seek shelter in a monastery or something because I’m coming, baby! I’m
coming!
Pick: Tennessee
Buffalo (-2.5) at NY Giants
Buffalo managed to eke one out against the Jets, and now
they can just stay in town to do the same to the hapless Giants, who were
crucified by the Cowboys last week. Buffalo owning the state of New York was
perhaps unforeseen, but who the fuck else was going to do it? Maybe Army, I don’t
know. They certainly looked more impressive than any of these shitbird teams.
Still, the Bills are the best of a miserable few this season it would seem, and
the Giants seem destined to wander in a sort of purgatory until Eli Manning
decides to hang it up and even then it will be funny to watch Daniel Jones
flame out because he is little more than a mediocre Duke quarterback. But that
is all to come in good time. For now, let’s roll with the Bills, if for no
other reason than OJ Simpson has crashed Twitter and run a trail of terror
through those streets. Run on Juice, run on.
Pick: Buffalo
Arizona (+13.5) at Baltimore
The Ravens are fresh off a murder spree in Miami behind
Lamar Jackson who turned into a terrifying throw god to complement the Ravens
strong running game. I mean, they didn’t even need Jackson to run which is what
he does best. He just firebombed those Dolphins, leaving them eeking in terror
as they died by the hundreds, their bloated corpses washing up on the South Florida
shore along with some Cubans. Enjoy those dolphin tours, you tourist scum.
Meanwhile, Arizona managed to stage a comeback in the desert to snatch a tie
from the jaws of defeat, embarrassing my poor Lions and an enraged Matthew
Stafford, who is still looking for whoever gave final authorization to that
fucking timeout. But Kyler Murray isn’t in the desert this week. No, he’s in
Baltimore, which is a hard as fuck city, and there he will meet the better
version of himself in Lamar Jackson. It’s gonna get ugly for the Cardinals
before it gets better, which is what happens when you turn the team over to a
dude with a losing record as a college head coach who was fired by his fucking
alma mater.
Pick: Baltimore
New England (-14.5) at Miami
We already talked about those Dolphins and how they died at
the hands of a merciless Lamar Jackson. Well now Tom Brady and the Patriots
roll into town, fresh off of obliterating the Steelers last week. And now they
have a wild Antonio Brown for Brady to throw to, although who knows what the
fuck is up with him, especially now that he’s got rape charges to dodge. It’s
been a wild season already for Antonio B, and frankly Tom and Bill Belichick
don’t need these kinds of headaches. Sure, they have a long history of keeping
insane wide receivers in line, but Antonio Brown is a whole different kind of
animal than even they are used to dealing with. I mean, I wouldn’t be surprised
if he fucked Gisele and ate her and Tom’s baby just for the fuck of it. This is
a dude who is about to be seen running in only his underwear through the
streets, gibbering and jabbering about god only knows what, pawing at his dick
and waving the severed head of Jon Gruden around. These are wild times in the
NFL, but Tom Brady has seen it all, and he doesn’t give a fuck what you do on
your own time so long as you show up on Sunday ready to catch some balls. Oh
man, are you ready for some football???
Pick: New England
Dallas (-7) at Washington
Washington at least put up a fight against the Eagles last
week and Case Keenum looked pretty good, so they seem to have some life. They
didn’t run the ball worth a shit and in the end they still lost, so fuck it, I
don’t know. The Cowboys, meanwhile, whipped up on the Giants and Dak Prescott
went ham, throwing for 405 yards and 4 touchdowns, and Ezekiel Elliot is still
there running the ball, so this looks like an easy Cowboys pick to me. I mean,
are you really gonna trust Case Keenum to come through? Still, the game is in
Washington and there are old hates here, and those are the sorts of things you
have to be wary of when making predictions such as this. In the end, I suspect
the Cowboys will pull this one out, but it won’t be as easy they probably hope.
Go with the Redskins and hope they don’t get visited by the Spirit Warrior
ghosts of all native peoples for consequences and retribution.
Pick: Washington
Jacksonville (+9.5) at Houston
Jacksonville honestly didn’t look that bad last week, which
is especially impressive since they lost Nick Foles to injury and had to ride
with Gardner Minshew, who only missed three passes the entire game. Still, they
were dropped by 14 by the Chiefs, so these things are all relative. Houston,
meanwhile, managed to hang with the Saints before falling in the end by only a
couple of points, and they seem to have found a new running back in Carlos Hyde
so maybe they will be okay after all. Still, this feels like a big spread,
maybe too big, and I’m not sure who to go with to be honest. I mean, you can’t
really trust Jacksonville can you? Ronnie Van Zant is dead, and Fred Durst may
as well be, and the Jaguars owners are busy hanging out with the Young Bucks of
all people, so let’s go with Houston.
Pick: Houston
Seattle (+4) at Pittsburgh
Man, the Steelers got smoked by Tom Brady last week, which I
suspect was done just to make me look stupid for daring to go against King
Brady. Meanwhile, the Seahawks eked one out against the Bengals, so it’s hard
to see why the Steelers are favored here. But they are probably primed for a
bounce back here, and Seattle did just eke one out against the Bengals so let’s
not pretend like they are rolling or anything. I guess go with the Steelers and
hope Ben Roethlisberger doesn’t rape anyone along the way. I know that’s a lot
to ask for, especially because he can’t let his former teammate Antonio Brown
show him up in the rape game. There are big numbers to be had there, and Big
Ben has an accountant just to deal with all the payoffs he probably has to
make. If you can’t trust a man who likes to pull his dick out in public, who
can you trust?
Pick: Pittsburgh
San Francisco (-1.5) at Cincinnati
The 49ers managed to beat Tampa Bay last week, but they
honestly didn’t look that great. I mean, they were outgained both passing and
rushing and Jimmy Garoppolo looked like just another dude. The Bengals were the
team the Seahawks eked one out over and Andy Dalton did throw for over 400
yards, so I’m thinking the Bengals are the move here. I’m not, like, confident
in that or anything, but when two shitty teams meet, it’s probably best to go
with the home team. Besides, you have to respect any team with big Geno Atkins
holding shit down while Sam Hubbard runs wild on opposing quarterbacks. I mean,
barely respect, but still.
Pick: Cincinnati.
Minnesota (+3) at Green Bay
Aaron Rodgers is still the devil and Kirk Cousins is still
Kirk Cousins, so advantage Green Bay. Still, the Vikings managed to impress
against the Falcons even though Cousins only threw for a measly 98 yards. That’s
pretty weak, even for a known scoundrel like him. I mean, the dude is probably
worn out by hanging out with the Blackwater boys of his hometown, and there is
only so much off the book torture you can do in a week’s time before that has
an impact on your game. Meanwhile, the Packers managed to drop the Bears in a
grim contest that was really more about old hates than anything else. The devil
is still the devil, though, and you’d be an idiot to pick against him,
especially when Kirk Cousins is the dude daring to fiddle with him at the
crossroads.
Pick: Green Bay
Kansas City (-7.5) at Oakland
The Raiders managed to knock off the Broncos, and Derek Carr
looked like a man reborn, but have you seen the dick on Patrick Mahomes? He is
still out there slinging it and looks poised to back up his MVP performance of
last season. Meanwhile, the Chiefs have managed to move on from Kareem Hunt
with an old but still game LeSean McCoy and Tyreek Hill is still hanging in
there, at least until the video tape we all know exists of him beating on a
lady gets out. But for now, he’s safe and with Mahomes throwing to him while
Shady McCoy holds down the running game, I think they will roll over the
Raiders, who are still looking at life in the desert and have one foot out the
door already so they can’t really rely on home field advantage here. Their “fans”
are more likely at this point to savage them in the parking lot, bikers and old
tow truck drivers coming together one last time to take out their sufferings on
the Davis family, wearing Old Man Al’s mummified skin as a coat as they string
Mark up, pelting him with shit, a wild Harpo stepping forward at the last
moment to piss on his swinging corpse like Strong Belwas.
Pick: Kansas City
New Orleans (+3) at LA Rams
This is probably the NFC Championship Game preview right
here. Drew Brees and Alvin Kamara did their thing against the Texans last week
while the Rams held off the Panthers behind Todd Gurley, and to be honest, it’s
hard to really pick a winner here. I mean, Brees is old as fuck and at some
point his torture loving ways will betray him, his dark soul hauled away by
demons like that dude at the end of Ghost who made the mistake of
fucking with Patrick Swayze. Still, he is still better than Jared Goff who was
pretty much just a guy in week one. Gurley is probably better than Kamara, but not
by as much as you would think. Put it all together and you have two teams that
match up pretty well, but since this is a passing league now you’d be stupid to
go against Brees. Still, you have to imagine Aaron Donald will have something
to say about this, and . . . yeah, I don’t know, dudes and lady dudes. All I
know is it should be an awesome game, a fun game, setting the stage for these
two teams inevitable playoff clash. Uh, take the Rams, I guess?
Pick: Rams
Chicago (+1) at Denver
The Bears offense was pitiful last week, and it’s becoming
increasingly clear that Mitchell Trubisky is just another in a long line of False
Prophets in Chicago. Still, their defense held up pretty well considering the
fact that it got no help from the offense. And are you really gonna roll with
the fucking Broncos, who, let’s remember, were humbled by the sideshow circus
known as the Oakland Raiders? This seems like an easy pick to me, but who knows
what horrors the Bears will endure this season? They always do this shit,
having one great season behind a killer defense before getting dragged back to
the abyss by their shitty offense the next season. Still, John Elway has managed
to tank the Broncos, so look for this to be an ugly game decided by whoever has
the nastiest defense, which I still have to go with the Bears on. I’ll take
Khalil Mack, Akiem Hicks and company over Von Miller and Bradley Chubb. Barely,
but still. To be honest, I am kinda talking myself into the Broncos here, but
there is something rotten there, something incompetent that looks like a
goddamn horse in a man’s skin, so fuck it, let’s stick with the Bears.
Pick: Chicago
Philadelphia (Pk) at Atlanta
The Eagles pulled away from the Redskins behind Carson Wentz
airing it out to DeSean Jackson, who returned to Philly with a flourish,
catching 8 passes for 154 yards and 3 touchdowns and proving that he is still a
bad, bad man. Meanwhile, the Falcons were dropped fairly convincingly by Kirk
Cousins of all people, so I think it’s weird that this is a pick ‘em. The
Falcons look like they never recovered from the humiliation that was 28-3, when
Tom Brady worked them like a god in the Super Bowl, straight taking their
souls, sucking them from their mouths like some kind of evil wizard demon. The
Eagles are gonna bounce back from that hangover last season, and they seem like
an easy playoff team this year, so . . . yeah, take the Eagles and run here.
Pick: Philadelphia
Cleveland (-2.5) at NY Jets
Hey look, I still believe in the Browns, mostly because I
put my ass on the line for them and I don’t want to look like a complete idiot
before Dan and God and everyone else who should know better than to trust a
trickster like me. Baker Mayfield got tossed around a bit, eating five sacks, but
hey, these things happen. Sure, they happen to the Browns more than most teams,
and Mayfield did add to the misery by throwing 3 interceptions, but I believe
in that dude and he will bounce back. Meanwhile, the Jets lost to the Bills in
a showdown of hapless franchises, and even though they have Le’Veon Bell to
take some of the heat off of Sam Darnold, it’s hard for me to trust them. I
have to roll with my man Baker even though I am almost hilariously cursing the
dude with my own Failure Demons. But we will go to hell together, and until
then I will still prop him up, carrying him on my shoulders like a wee babe,
until the time comes that he’s ready to walk again, and then Dan can stop
making obscene phone calls to me in that Wigan accent. If it didn’t work for
the Dynamite Kid, it won’t work for you, Dan.
Pick: Cleveland
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