Everybody Dies

The Lions take their undefeated asses to Philly, where they are more likely to get a shiv in the ribs than a pat on the back, but hahaha we all laugh at our Philly friends, mostly because of It’s Always Sunny, which is a damn good show, and I don’t want to get sucked into writing about that shit, because I very well could lurch into those creative environs, but we would not be able to talk football the way that you want to, and shit, now I’ve gone and got it in your pea brains that I am going to attempt comedic writing a la It’s Always Sunny, but fuck all that, I have a football game to talk about with you.

So, the Lions hope to roll this jankety thing down to Philly, where the Eagles are probably celebrating because they get to play the Detroit Lions, and it will likely go bad for the Lions because the Detroit Lions are a pretty shitty football team, led by a slob of a coach, who may have raped a girl back in the day. They are led by delusional idiots who think that because they took their Patriot Pills that the whole thing would just take care of itself while they fondled the dusty skin tags Ma Ford calls breasts and made sure to get in good with sonny boy who’s still waiting his turn to lead the Ford Empire such as it is in these derelict and deranged times, decrepit and barely functional. These are not good times. Which is all kinda crazy because the Lions haven’t actually lost yet this season, so, I don’t know, rapes for everyone I guess, and if your lucky your rape will look like a scene from a Bret Easton Ellis novel and not some back-alley butt fucking.

Is it this that turns people off? I know a lot of people have seen my writings and have probably wondered if I could only be corralled and tamed that I might make for a blue check on Twitter. But the problem is this: I tell you the things that you know are real but that you can’t say for yourself. I’m up here throwing RAPE around because that is who I am for you, the dude who will go places no one else will go, who will see things that ordinary fucking people just can’t see, and you will feel naughty reading me, and you will probably think this shit is too gross even for the Internet, but I am a Spirit Warrior, I am not like the others, and I will make you feel to the bottom of your feet.

Man, that is some gibberish for sure. Just me talking out loud, and you don’t need to hear that, especially when the other characters start poking out. Too many voices, one goddamn gigantic brain.

Anyway, the Lions are almost certainly going to lose to the Eagles this week, and I don’t know if it will be a shellacking, especially because I see that Desean Jackson is not going to suit up. The Eagles may be overlooking the Lions here, and if that’s what it takes to keep this carnival ride going, well, okay.

The streets of Philadelphia have long been overrun by the dark after effects of the Founding Fathers, with Benjamin Franklin particularly notable as a fat sex freak. God knows what he got up to in the basements and lower places in Philly. He probably had an underground electrified cage where he stashed his hos, probably waddled down there in his dotage and picked out the hairless one fresh from the Philippines, which is close enough to Philly so it’s all good.

That’s a ratchet kind of energy to run into in these spirit wars, and it’s what’s made Philadelphia a punchline for this kind of nonsense, and yes, this is where you probably want me to start talking about why I am mostly Dennis and a little Charlie. But I can’t do that for you. It would get out of hand way too fast, primarily because, well, I basically am the apotheosis of the It’s Always Sunny way which is not that much fun when the pills get too real. 

But anyway, football… football…  sure. There will be a game played here, in Philadelphia where the people worship a statue of an actor and piss and shit on each other to show their brotherly love, which is what Philly prides itself on. But you know who repped Philly the hardest? Bill Cosby, that monster rape demon. There are good people in Philly, like my boy Tosh, but the history of Philadelphia is littered with old cum rags and wild sex predators. You know who hung out right next door? Jerry Sandusky and Joe Paterno and all those ugly thugs who raped those little boys in the showers.

This is an ugly and horrible piece of writing, but it is true to the world that we live in, and in this world, who really cares who wins this fucking game? I guess I still do, a little. I want my Lions to win. I want them to abandon all that rapey shit and embrace the toughness that is the heart of Detroit. But I fear that the Eagles may have something to say about it as well, which sucks because nobody needs to hear from those rapists. I’m not saying the Eagles are complicit in a staggering rape ring which seems to engulf all of Pennsylvania, with Big Ben getting the rapes in the west and with whatever criminal sex ring is going on surrounding Penn State and Philadelphia. Just too many dicks, man. Too many dicks.

I suppose the Lions could pull this one out, but it will look like the Lions stole it because of a bunch of buffoonery which always happens in games played by the Lions, and we’ll be right back to laughing and pretending that we were good all along.

But, more than likely, the Lions will find themselves victims of this horrific state and city. I love my boy Tosh, but they were raping those boys in the showers, and Ben Franklin almost certainly got up to some ill shit back in the day, and Bill Cosby made a life of rape. There is nothing good to be found here, not for you or for me, or for our Lions, who should probably take up soccer. But you never know what will happen when a team like the Eagles tries to coast on the Lions. That is the sort of shit that gets my fire up, but let’s be honest, the Eagles are probably going to dissect the Lions, and maybe, just maybe, Ma Ford will get to experience Ben Franklin’s dungeon. Stranger things have happened. I’m just a guy who can barely put two words together on a good day, and maybe if it’s a good day, the Lions will win, I will crown them champions of my heart, but probably not and, look, this doesn’t have a happy ending. I’m sorry. But Everybody Dies.

Eagles 14 Lions 3