Gambling With Sanity, Week 2 2019

Well shit, here we are again. The NFL has conspired with the CIA, the FBI, the NAACP (actually, not that one) and the IRS to create a gambler’s paradise in the Nevada desert, where they bury the bodies just off the highway. The bodies of strippers, coke hounds, degenerate gamblers, wise guys, politicians, NFL players, derelicts, all buried out there in that desert, a rotting sarcophagus of humanity, our final destination, go west young men and find your fortune and your grave, it’s all waiting for you in the desert, the desert of Las Vegas, Nevada, where the electricity and water bills are ruinous and where no one can look anyone in the eye. These are the sort of seedy people and seedy places who have made the American Dream the American Nightmare, and they are the ones who bring you these lines courtesy of VegasInsider.com, who want nothing to do with me because I am the monster that will ruin their game. I take no prisoners because I am not like the others and I don’t dig graves, I fill them and when I am done and your preachers are carrying on, I will roll up and straight fuck them silly and I will run amok in your neon palaces, garish and ridiculous, and I will eat everything you have available on buffet, drink everything, smoke everything, fuck everything, I’ll even roll up on that DJ Paulie D and smoke and drink and fuck him and when I leave his desiccated corpse in the arms of his long time partner Vinny Guadagnino on stage after a Chippendale’s performance drenched in blood and cum, I will get my hands on all that blood money and I will cackle into the night as I throw off my man flesh and become one with the wolf, and then I will hunt you down and eat you and you will know that you have been loved and that you can rely on my NFL expertise for all your gambling needs.

Tennessee (+6.5) at Jacksonville

Marcus Mariota is in and Nick Foles is out, which makes this line kind of bizarre, right? I mean, I know young Gardner Minshew has stepped up for the Jaguars at quarterback, but eventually he’s gonna get eaten up and with the wrestling season beginning (yes, really), the Jaguars owners will turn their attention to the long running rivalry between the Rhodes family and the Four Horsemen, which is some vicious shit, some Southern shit that you don’t want any part of. But anyway, they will be dumping their fortunes into that never ending blood feud and por Gardner Minshew here will be left with no one to sign his paychecks and then what happens? Does he turn to Fred Durst for help? What does Jacksonville do when everything has turned to blood and old hates? Don’t get in that plane with those Van Zant boys. That’s all I know.

Pick: Tennessee

Denver (+6.5) at Green Bay

At what point do the people of Denver, Colorado turn on John Elway? I imagine he has a long rope to play with given his many years of service to their football glories, but people don’t want to die out there on those mountains without getting to see another Broncos dynasty built. But it just isn’t happening for John Elway or the Broncos and the time has probably come to retire to the old wine valleys of Northern California where Elway was bred, where he can roam free and pick apples with his horse mouth. Meanwhile, the devil is still in Green Bay, and even though he hasn’t really gotten rolling yet, all he needs is a team like the Broncos to come around, and he’ll show them around Dante’s Inferno and we’ll all burn before the altar of our failed dreams. You can already smell the flesh cooking. It smells like horse.

Pick: Green Bay

Baltimore (+6) at Kansas City

Obviously, Patrick Mahomes is still Top Gun here, but look out for Lamar Jackson, who can use both his arm and his legs to run you down. Mahomes also has to deal with life without Tyreek Hill who is out with a dislocated collarbone, which hurts like hell and which he honestly probably deserves after rumors of lady beating, which we don’t condone here at Armchair Linebacker even though sometimes you find yourself in a perilous situation with a bitch in your arms screaming and hissing and howling at you, scratching and clawing and you have to give her a little spanking and you feel bad but she sticks her ass back up in the air and dares you to do more and so you slap her around a little bit and she scratches and claws you some more and you pull her tail and she gets excited and then she hisses at you again and finally you just have to slam the door in her face and say no ma’am, I won’t have that kind of violence in my life. Anyway, that’s what Tyreek Hill is dealing with, which is a huge distraction and is why Baltimore is gonna slide in there and gut these fools.

Pick: Baltimore

Cincinnati (+4) at Buffalo

0-2 meets 2-0, which makes this a pretty easy pick. Back in the day, this would have been a hell of a game, maybe get Jim Kelly out there throwing to Andre Reed, Thurman Thomas running around with Icky Woods while Bruce Smith chases down Boomer Esiason. Yes, I remember those days, which makes me old, old and tired, especially when I see Jim Kelly who these days looks like a cadaver. Jaw cancer is fucking brutal, kids, so quit sucking on them cigarettes and start sucking on some dicks. Don’t chew tobacco, chew pussy. See? It’s easy to stay healthy if you’re really willing to do the work.

Pick: Buffalo

Atlanta (+2) at Indianapolis

When I go to pull up Atlanta’s page on Pro Football Reference dot com, I am met with a blank page, which I suppose I should take as a sign that my adblocker is a bit overzealous but also that the Atlanta Falcons are something of a mystery to me. But after losing to the Vikings and beating the Eagles, I don’t know what to make of them. They certainly are in better shape than a Colts team which is still reeling from the loss of Andrew Luck, who went on his vision quest and will probably turn up in the XFL where his dad is the commissioner. How has nobody talked about this angle yet? Vince McMahon bringing out Andrew Luck while the Khan family rages down in Jacksonville would be some wild shit, and you know what? I bet it’s happening. But there is still time for Cody Rhodes and his hot ass wife to seduce Andrew Luck and bring him over to AEW, maybe hang out with Ric Flair, Arn and Tully. These are wild times, yes sir, and in the end somebody is gonna get their heart broken. My bet is that Vince’s heart literally explodes on live TV and then we have anarchy, both in football and pro wrestling, which can only end with someone being thrown off the top of the Hell in a Cell while Jim Ross slobbers all over himself and Jerry Lawler molests all the cheerleaders. This is as American as it gets, kids.

Pick: Atlanta

Oakland (+7) at Minnesota

A battle between the two sides of my heart, the Oakland Raiders are my favorite non-Lions team thanks to the debauched ways of Kenny Stabler and friends, but they are drifting towards chaos and the inevitability of a grave in that Nevada desert so fuck them, I guess. Meanwhile, the Minnesota Vikings were the favorite team of my uncle, who died a couple years back of a heart attack. He loved the Vikings because they did things the right way, which is pretty lame, but what the hell, give the guy a break, he’s dead. The whitebread Vikings and the evil Oakland Raiders has been a tale that has been told many times before, usually ending with the Vikings getting stomped by Stabler and the boys fresh off a wild hangover, smelling of pussy, booze and regret. Bud Grant’s boys never got to get any of that for themselves and so Kenny would rub their noses in it, make them smell the ass of some hot young thing that was waiting for them back in the locker room. The Vikings are soft and weak, led by a coward named Kirk Cousins who is neck deep in despicable Americanism bullshit like Blackwater and the DeVos family. Kenny Stabler would take Betsy DeVos out on his boat and fuck her at sea and then leave her to swim to shore while he took a piss on her brother’s corpse, that Blackwater fuck, and then he’d get Kirk Cousins drunk and pin the whole thing on his Sparty ass, which would just get rolled up into the gargantuan lawsuit the world has filed against Larry Nassar and the boys in green. Fuck them and fuck Kirk Cousins. And fuck Las Vegas for stealing my Raiders. I’m gonna get high and hang out with Kenny Stabler and the boys. Y’all can do whatever the fuck you want.

Pick: Minnesota

NY Jets (Pick em) at New England

What the fuck? Pick ‘em? This is the dumbest line I’ve ever seen. What in the fuck are Sam and the boys doing out there in the desert? Quit fucking around with them showgirls and get your shit together. Don’t show this shit to Tom Brady. He doesn’t need to see how the breakfast gets made, all he cares is that you get the correct amount of blueberries in the muffin. How hard is that? You think you fucks can manage that? If you don’t, Lady Gisele will swoop down with her German goon squad and you know what they do to pretty boys like you, right? Sam Darnold and backup Trevor Siemian are both OUT for this game so this shit will get nasty and there is only so much Lady Gisele can stand before she’s ripping the organs out of all these goddamn chefs who can’t get the right number of blueberries into the goddamn muffins. This doesn’t end well for anyone. You will all be shitting blood for a week after this one is done.

Pick: New England

Miami (+16) at Dallas

+16! It has come to this. Well shit, no wonder why dudes are retiring at halftime in the Miami locker room. Don Shula’s old ass probably doesn’t know what to do. He’s got that huge champagne bottle ready to be opened once the last lossless team goes down, but what he doesn’t know is that bottle is filled with acid and piss and when he drinks it he’s gonna melt from the inside out and no one wants to see that shit. Except for Jerry Jones, who bought the damn champagne in the first place and who will set fire to his own piss as his boys lap it up one more time for the old man. This is just how things get done at the executive level in the NFL. Everybody Dies, but before then at least let’s whip up on those sad ass dolphins one more time. Those fuckers aren’t even all that great. I saw them the last time I was down in Florida and all they did was chase the boat and then bugger off. Fuck them. I’ve got enough problems to deal with.

Pick: Dallas

NY Giants (+4) at Tampa Bay

The Daniel Jones era gets underway for the New York Giants and it’s hard to see this one going well given that nobody even knew who this dude was before he emerged at Duke, who aren’t exactly known for pumping out NFL talent. He seems like he’s got all the physical stuff, but you can’t trust a Duke quarterback, especially when there is a wild Manning about, lurking over his shoulder, undermining him at every turn. And make no mistake, that is what Eli and his daddy are probably doing even as we speak. They know this new big dick on the block is coming for Eli’s job, and Eli is the last of the Manning progeny. Once he goes, all the Manning secrets will be revealed to the world, starting with Peyton’s assplay relationship with every country singer named Brad out there. And once that gets out, there will be no one to look after poor Daniel Jones, who is likely to get raped by Jameis Winston because that’s what Jameis does, he rapes people.

Pick: Tampa Bay

Carolina (-3) at Arizona

This really comes down to whether or not Cam Newton is healthy. If he is, then he is basically the steroided version of Kyler Murray. If not, then Kyler better get to work because it gets cold in the desert at night and a fucking skinwalker will get after your ass if you’re not careful. Cam Newton knows this, which is why he does blow and hangs out with Ric Flair. It’s just easier in Carolina than it is in the desert, where you have to watch out for wild Navajo demons running on the wind. Those dudes will fuck you up and steal your soul, white man. Best rely on Cam Newton, who will style and profile on those dudes all night long and then fuck their women while Kyler cries and then Cam will fuck Kyler because Kyler sounds like a girl’s name, and so does Cam to be honest, so there will be hot lesbian action in the desert this weekend. You heard it here first. Just don’t be surprised when a seven foot Navajo demon skinwalker pours Bigfoot cum all over your tent. Camping isn’t for amateurs.

Pick: Carolina

New Orleans (Pick em) at Seattle

Another pick ‘em, which is interesting since Drew Brees has been hauled away by his Failure Demons, who finally escaped from Gitmo and paid his lilly white ass a visit, shitting on his face and leaving a stain that can never be washed away. Meanwhile, the Seahawks just have to ride the steady arm of Russell Wilson and they’ll be fine here. I mean, there is no way the Saints win this one, right? Who do they even have left at quarterback there? Taysom Hill? That dude is a Mormon and you don’t want to fuck with those missionaries and their 32 wives. Does Teddy Bridgewater still have functional knees? Who the fuck knows. All I know is that it would be stupid to pick the Saints here, which means that they will almost certainly fuck both me and you because I know you follow my advice religiously. I love you all, my beautiful children.

Pick: Seattle

Houston (+4) at LA Chargers

Jesus, we’re a billion words deep into this fucking thing and I still have no idea how the Chargers managed to blow that game against the Lions last week. I mean, they scored touchdown after touchdown after touchdown only to see it all be wiped away by yellow flags and goal line fumbles. Le Nain Rouge was hard at work for sure, but now the Chargers return home to a Los Angeles that doesn’t give a single fuck about them, and here they will meet the Houston Texans and JJ Watt, who themselves are fleeing the floodwaters of Houston, which I’m sure is still fucking with some people down there. The Texans should win, if only because the Chargers fanbase is probably best found under a bridge doing heroin in the LA River, just waiting for Arnold Schwarzenegger to come blasting through on a Harley with a little boy in his arms and the future of all mankind at stake. There are demons and there are fucking Terminators running wild in the night and to be honest you don’t want any of either, but welcome to the jungle baby, you’re gonna die. That’s what Axl sang, and Arnold dug Axl’s energy which is why Guns N Roses ended up in T2. The power of Axl, that urchin living under the street, and Arnold will be just too much for Houston to overcome.

Pick: Chargers

Pittsburgh (Pick em) at San Francisco

Another pick ‘em, and what does life look like for the Steelers now that rapist Ben Roethlisberger has been put down for the season? A lot less rapes, I’d imagine, but you never know what goes on in those Western Pennsylvania hills. Just ask Jerry Sandusky and Joe Paterno. But are the 49ers the team to take advantage of a broken Steelers outfit? Why not? After all, there are no rapes hanging over their heads, not that I can see anyway, although you can never trust Joe Montana or a Mormon like Steve Young. The Bay Area is notorious for its rebel ways, its Summer of Love and its metal bands. It is the birthplace of Metallica, at least the Cliff Burton years, and he wouldn’t hold with no rapists. No sir. So I have no choice but to ride the lightning with Cliff (please don’t die) and fuck Ben Roethlisberger and Jerry Sandusky and that old pervert Joe Paterno too. He knew!!!

Pick: San Francisco

LA Rams (-2.5) at Cleveland

Well, what will it be Baker Mayfield? What will it be, Dan of my heart? What will it be when the Los Angeles Rams bring their circus to town and threaten to drive you into the dirty waters of the flaming Cuyahoga river as it empties into the stillborn embrace of Lake Erie, where everything goes to die? I will meet you there on those shores. My beaches are nicer, my Lake Michigan beaches, and up north, the Lake Superior beaches are even more beautiful. But down there in stinky old Cleveland, we’ll find Dan and we’ll find Baker Mayfield and we’ll finally find out just what these strapping young lads are made of. To be honest, it doesn’t look that great. Then again, the Browns did just humiliate the Jets, so maybe everything will be okay on the shores of Lake Erie, and maybe Drew Carey will stop being a right wing nut and lead a parade of beer soaked hooligans to the shores of Lake Erie where they will piss on the Rams all night, and leave them dead for the fire vultures to pick at in the morning.

Chicago (-5) at Washington

And finally, the Bears roll into the swamp of Washington DC where they will be no doubt confronted by the orange haired devilry of Il Duce himself, Donald the Trump, who will likely insist on calling all the Redskins plays as he offends all indigenous peoples all at once with his buffoonery. And all the Bears have to do is wait around to clean his mess up, maybe get some burgers with him in the White House, vape with Baron and fuck Ivanka while Don watches and paws at the tiny regret in his pants. That’s not a French fry Mr. President. Oh Lord, how did we come to this? This ridiculous world where a gameshow host is President and where nobody knows what to do except for a crazy old man from Vermont who has to fight off the advances of a gum toothed old ass Joe Biden who will rub your shoulders and then cry and apologize for incarcerating an entire generation of good folks like me, honest drug addicts who just want to get high and mash his idiot face in. Fuck you, Joe Biden, fuck Donald Trump and fuck the Washington Redskins. Fuck the Bears too. Fuck everyone.

Pick: Chicago