It is a new week in these strange and interesting streets we
live in, and while the White House might be looking for new lodgers and new
loungers if everything goes the way it should, we are still tied to the
invisible hand of Adam Smith forcing us to gamble against our very own sanity
again.
Went 9-5 last week, which means we still have our thumbs and
no graves are being dug in the Vegas desert just yet, so let’s just try to ride
this wave of success to an Edenic overflowing of money money money, or at least
let me keep you entranced by my sorceress of words, all of whom are my
daughters and I love them dearly.
Indianapolis (+5.5) at Houston
I’m seeing a shootout here, which I told Davey over and over
again as he sought my advice for nefarious activities, and I see no reason why
I should back down from that now. Jacoby Brissett isn’t Andrew Luck, but he’s
been good enough, maybe even a hair better, to bring his guns to this fight, but
he might be on the docks this week, and then it’s up to Brian Hoyer, last seen
by me being chased off his own field as my beloved Michigan Wolverines beat up
his Sparty friends, which feels like eons ago, but is really like 12 years I
guess, which is a long ass time to be a loser and a backup loser quarterback
and if he’s the guy here then the Colts are already fucked. But what begat the
Cousins isn’t the point here. The point is that the Houston Texans are gonna rain
hell fire from above with Deshaun Watson hooking up with DeAndre Hopkins over
and over and over again. The only chance the Colts have is a healthy Brissett,
because you don’t want a Sparty leading your team when the rocket show starts.
Pick: Houston
Miami (+9) at Cleveland
Two of the AFC’s bitch boys this season (sorry, sweet Dan,
but that’s just what the bitch cards said this time around) are gonna have to
figure out which one of them is the shittiest of the shitty, and you can
already see the Dolphins players nodding their heads in ruined agreeance
waiting to just go back down to Miami and eat the ass out of a Cuban delight or
many delights depending on if the Hurricanes win or not. It’s all about sex
here at Armchair Linebacker even when it’s about football, which is the thing
these two shitty teams are gonna pretend to do. It sucks that Myles Garrett won’t
be there to twist off the heads of the Miami players and throw them into the
Cuyahoga River which stinks of shit and someone set it on fire which just made
the shit stink all the more noxious, but that’s what you get when you do your
dirty work in Ohio. I still believe in Baker Mayfield, who just needs the ghost
of Kenny Stabler to guide him to glory and I don’t believe in whatever wretched
shit heap of a situation they’ve got going down there in Miami, so it’s all
Browns this week, and Dan you better be ready to have your home invaded when I
drunkenly disembark from an airplane one of these days to show you what a real
American looks like as he flops onto your couch and begs you to get high with
him and high on Neil which is all anyone could ever need.
Pick: Cleveland
Denver (+5.5) at Buffalo
The Broncos tried and failed to trip up the Vikings last week,
which would have been a nice surprise for this Kirk Cousins hating dude, but
they fucked it all up and now John Elway has to fight his way down that mile
high city with only his horse face to slay the peasants along the way. The Bills meanwhile got back to business by whipping
on the Dolphins and should be able to handle the Broncos. But I’m still not
sold on the Bills, my failed city cousins, and I could see Denver behind
Branden Allen of all people sneaking up on them this week. It’s a tough call,
but I think I’ll stick with the Bills and Josh Allen who is figuring this whole
quarterback thing out as he goes and his defense protects him. John Elway can
go to hell.
Pick: Buffalo
Pittsburgh (-7) at Cincinnati
The Steelers are still surviving sans rapist quarterback,
and I refuse to give any of them credit except for my man Devin Bush, who has a
chance to make this team his own on the field and in the locker room. And the
Bengals? Well, the Bengals haven’t won one goddamn game yet this miserable NFL
season. Can’t really see them making a stand here, you know? Their coach is Zac
Taylor, who I think was the President back in the day, but whatever lessons he
learned as the Big Dick in DC didn’t translate to this football coach version
of him which means that my boy Devin Bush is gonna roll through and he will
dirty your ass up along the way.
Pick: Pittsburgh
NY Giants (+7) at Chicago
Two disappointing teams who have let down their churlish
fans yet again meet up here, and I don’t have to tell you that this will be ugly
as all shit because you knew that already. What you might not know is that the
Bears defense still is making a fight of it, which means it’s the only one of
four sides in this debacle who have life left in them. Is that enough to sneak
a touchdown and field goal and then go to sleep on the Giants? Maybe, maybe
not, but there are different shades of shit out there and the Giants is stinkier
and smellier than the Bears and it’s a harsh black kind of shit that won’t go
down without the help of a plunger and if you’re throwing up right now, I don’t
blame you because that shit is fucked, and how dare the New York Giants do that
to us here today where we don’t destroy our toilets. I don’t like the Bears, and
I certainly don’t trust them to do this right but a shittier shit is a shittier
shit, so fuck the Giants and all their shit.
Pick: Chicago
Oakland (-3) at NY Jets
You could make a case that the Raiders and the Jets have
always been the twin sons of the AFC landscape all these years, looking across
the country at one another with suspicion and contempt, one wild and ferocious,
bats out of hell, the other stupid and always getting fucked and broken by the
monstrosity of its city. You could make that case, and you’d probably be right,
but Kenny Stabler and Joe Namath, both Alabama quarterbacks by the way, aren’t
shooting it out with each other and while Snake and Joe Willie get high on some
crank they picked up from these girls they got with them on their houseboat which
never officially pulls in anywhere, just goes where the wind and the weed takes
them, two pathetic quarterbacks will spar for the right to shit on their fans
heads first. The Jets have won two in a
row with wins over the other dregs of the league, and the Raiders are still
fighting a running battle with their own fans as they prepare to flee to Las
Vegas like methed out bikers who can’t pay their child support. But methed out
bikers have some fun at least, which the Jets don’t have, being stuck in the
shittiest city on this planet with no hope for escape because Joe Willie Namath
can’t even get out alive in this MeToo world of ours and he doesn’t give a fuck
about the Jets he just wants to kiss somebody. But they’ve all been kissed Joe
and these new ones don’t want your kisses, and at least Kenny Stabler had the
good sense to stay on the boat with those cranked out girls.
Carolina (+7) at New Orleans
The Panthers just aren’t cutting it without Cam Newton Ric
Flairing everyone, and the Saints are about to pull away from the rest of the
sorry ass NFC South, which means that this is a pretty easy call for me. I don’t
have any colorful stories for you here, or any witticisms that you might enjoy,
although I do need to get a Great Willie Young story going somewhere soon here
and he likes the dirty south, but I am gonna keep those cards close to my chest,
and I’ll just hit you with the boring football prediction.
Pick: New Orleans
Tampa Bay (+3) at Atlanta
Nobody gives a shit about this game, right? Right.
Pick: Atlanta
Jacksonville (+2.5) at Tennessee
Pick: Tennessee
Dallas (+7) at New England
The Cowboys are trash on the road (unless it’s in Detroit,
these fucks) and the road is gonna make a stop in Boston or in the general
vicinity anyway and the Rictus Grin of Jerry Jones will meet the cold American
Psycho face of Tom Brady for control of the NFL, and King Brady usually wins
these things and Jerry Jones can fuck off back to Arkansas after he eats a
whooping, crying like a little prison bitch with a bruised tail bone from
taking all those other bones. Everybody Dies. You just bet you make right with
Bubba there as he looms over you in your cell before that day comes.
Pick: New England
Green Bay (+3.5) at San Francisco
The 49ers got back in the good graces of the lord after
vanquishing the shitty Cardinals last week, but now the devil comes to town,
all while the entire goddamn bay area is on fire and the power companies are
cutting people’s power because they’re afraid any electric spark will turn the
entire state into a cauldron of hell fire. Welcome to the future, baby, Planet
Earth is pissed off at you. Sending winds and typhoons is tough for everybody
especially when it’s all on fire anyway. Might as well hope for a typhoon to
hit Cali and put out those wildfires. Fuck all the people and creatures there
obviously. And then it’s just up to the
goddamn devil to sit down and say he’s home because who doesn’t like a nice hot
fire like the devil himself? These are bad energies for the hippies in the Bay Area,
who just want to lounge like Tommy Chong before Cheech shows up with the devil
as his new sideman in this delirium we call life on planet Earth in the year
2019. I don’t want to dismiss these new
age 49er stars before cruel nature does it for them, but it’s hard to see them
standing up to the devil while those very real hell fires burn all around
California. I mean, they’re basically welcoming the devil home.
Pick: Green Bay
Seattle (+3) at Philadelphia
A genuine NFC heavyweight fight, which I love. But it seems
like the Seahawks are getting looked over here. I know, I know, they do their
best dirty work back home and now they have to fly all across the country to a
city best known for its haters and its disgusting swarthy hooligans, no offense
to my man Tosh who even coked out is still a Spirit Warrior who I’d ride with
any day, but the Seahawks seem to be clearly the better team, poised to make
another run deep into the heart of the NFL playoffs while the Eagles stop and
start and scratch themselves outside Dennis and Mac’s apartment. So sorry boys,
the sun isn’t gonna shine in Philly this time around.
Pick: Seattle
Baltimore (Pick em) at LA Rams
The Ravens are just thuggin’ and buggin’ on everyone these
days, with the best offense in the NFL and a defense that can back it all up.
The Rams are still in the picture, fighting for a Wild Card this time around,
but they still have the nucleus of what was the hottest offense only last year.
But last year is last year and this year is this year and in this year, the
Baltimore Ravens are rolling like King Conan, bringing that Harbaugh steamroller
with them. This seems like their year, at least until the Patriots can figure
out a way to outshoot them once the playoffs come along. But you have to
remember that it was only a couple of weeks ago that the Ravens rolled over
even King Brady and Gisele and all her little dogs and Pinay and Pinoy boys and
girls who she makes stay with the dogs, living in their shit. And if King Brady
and his harem can’t handle the Ravens this year, then there’s really no hope
for the Rams. Or for the rest of us.
Pick: Baltimore
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