It’s Thanksgiving and instead of trying to cram two posts in
before the big day, I thought I’d just roll it all into one big craptacular
bunch of gibberish, with some help from my good friend, The Great Willie Young.
If you were expecting some earth rattling spirited defense of Detroit, I apologize
but the goddamn Lions have worn me the fuck out and also I pushed my poor
choices to the brink and I’m out of time. So, I’m sorry, but not that sorry,
and anyway, I went 5-9 last week, which means thumbs were broken, spirits
crushed, etc. and now I am not welcome in Las Vegas upon pain of dismemberment
and likely death, but I never liked the desert anyway and those fuckers are all
evil and corrupt, so fuck them and fuck you, let’s just get to this week’s
picks.
Chicago (+1.5) at Detroit
The Great Willie Young appeared in more than a couple of the
Lions Thanksgiving games, but new records have revealed that he was actually
involved in many more, most during the Lions early run of success, in which
they did some stat padding in knowing fear of the future, to buttress this
shitty ass franchise so it could show up today with the stubborn ass record of
37-40-2 on Thanksgiving, which is honestly better than I expected but also
sadder too. But thanks to the efforts of
my man, The Great Willie Young, the Lions managed to clean up in those early
years, most notably against the loathsome Packers during the 50s glory years
before the devil himself could worm his way into Green Bay. Now I’m not sure exactly what role The Great
Willie Young played in those affairs, most likely a dual coach/player role and
also a fucking the owner’s wife role, but a man can only do so much, and so
eventually even The Great Willie Young was exhausted by trying to carry this
shit heap of a team. In his last breaths before being sucked through the vortexes
of time by his father, the cheetah god, so that he could help mankind
throughout these many centuries and eons of poor choices and outright shit
behavior towards each other and the planet, The Great Willie Young implored
Bobby Layne to do the right thing and go gracefully into that long goodnight,
but Bobby was too drunk to listen, as per usual, and The Great Willie Young’s
pleas fell on deaf ears, and the last 60 years of horror and despair has
befallen us. Fuck Bobby Layne, a man too terrible for even the Great Willie Young
to reach. But now I am hearing that The Great Willie Young is sending his love
through time and while he might not make it back in time for this year’s game,
his psychic energy and fuck powers are enough to ensure that the Lions will run
that record to 38-40-2 because fuck the Bears and fuck everyone who would dare
take Thanksgiving away from the Lions as it is the only good thing we still
have left.
Pick: Detroit
Buffalo (+7) at Dallas
It was June 12, 1994, and The Great Willie Young stumbled
out of the club, drunk as fuck with his boy, the Juice, OJ Simpson. The Juice
had been carrying on all night, crying about his ex and spilling his guts to
The Great Willie Young, who as a lover himself, could only offer a
compassionate ear to his boy. After all, even The Great Willie Young is
powerless when it comes to the affairs of the heart. They left the club
together and The Great Willie Young offered to share a cab with The Juice, but
OJ drunkenly waved him off, crying and sobbing into the chest of the great one,
and the Great Willie Young did what he could for the man, holding him and
telling him that it was all gonna be okay. The next morning, The Great Willie
Young went to check on his boy, but The Juice wasn’t home and so The Great
Willie Young went looking for him. He didn’t find him, but he did find Mother
Kardashian and so The Great Willie Young gave her the wood and made her promise
to tell him if The Juice turned up because he knew that she liked it when they
went tag team on her. Later that night, The Juice showed up at The Great Willie
Young’s place, all sweaty and disheveled and said he needed to stash some
gloves at the great one’s place. But The Great Willie Young was all “Man, what
the fuck do you think this is, some kind of goddamn fashion house??” and turned
The Juice away. He would later regret this decision, but then again he was glad
that he didn’t end up an accessory to whatever The Juice was allegedly into. Many
months later, The Great Willie Young’s blood ran cold when he thought of what
he was almost dragged into. On the other hand, he could appreciate not wanting
your old lady to be fucking a goddamn waiter and so he decided to let bygones
be bygones and that is how he ended up fucking Marcia Clark in a McDonald’s
bathroom.
Pick: Dallas
New Orleans (-5.5) at Atlanta
The Great Willie Young always loved New Orleans, home to his
boy Heinie, and also the scene of many a crushed ass, a couple of vampire
dealings too, but only with the sexy ones, not the effete weird ones from Paris
who were always offering to suck his dick among other things. Anyway, it was
one particular incident in the 1870’s when the city was getting it shit back
together after the shameful Antebellum South days when dudes just like him were
owned by the white crackers in the vicinity, when The Great Willie Young
happened upon the young wife of a former slave. Well, they had both been
slaves, but the old boy had run off on her once they were free, getting a taste
of his new freedom by sampling some previously forbidden Southern Delights aka
white bitches and so The Great Willie Young was left to console the scorned
lady as only he could. Nine months later and The Great Willie Young was refusing
a blood test, not because he was a bad father figure, but more because he couldn’t
afford the child support, no matter how much he and Heinie scammed the white
drunks as they stumbled into the late night New Orleans streets. Anyway, the lady wouldn’t let up, and that’s
when The Great Willie Young introduced her to some of his old vampire friends,
who made of her an eternal bride and everyone was happy. Well, all except the
kid, but The Great Willie Young eventually took the brat on as a helper around his
place, which meant that she ended up doing Heinie’s laundry and also washing
his nasty ass feet after long hard days traipsing through the floodwaters with
his illicit beers. Years later, and Heinie knocked that girl up and she had a
kid of her own which made The Great Willie Young an alleged grandfather and
also made Heinie into something of a son. But that is just one little taste of
the many scandalous tales of The Great Willie Young in the city of New Orleans
Pick: New Orleans
TUNE IN ON FRIDAY (OR SATURDAY DEPENDING ON HOW CERTAIN
CHOICES GO) FOR PART TWO OF THIS THANKSGIVING WEEKEND GAMBLING WITH SANITY
EXTRAVAGANZA WITH OUR GOOD FRIEND THE GREAT WILLIE YOUNG
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