Alright, so we went a miserable 4-9 last week which means
thumbs have been broken, heads have been put into vices, etc. They don’t fuck
around out here on these mean Vegas streets, but that is the ugly soul or lack
thereof the NFL has chosen to tie itself to over these many years, not officially
of course because they have to be able to smile to the Senators and such when
questions arise, but everyone knows the deal, which is that the NFL and Vegas
are tied together in the most corrupt fucking sport, both spiritually and in
terms of those dollar bills, that the world has ever seen. Yeah, yeah, I know
the world’s football is shady as fuck too, but the NFL is basically a criminal
syndicate, put together to get the right people rich and keep the exploited
people the most exploited. I mean, for real, the NFL is the king of American
sports and yet its players are the least well taken care of than in any of the
major pro sports leagues. This is a fucking league for savages, man, like we’re
talking Roman Gladiator type shit here, but fuck it, the Emperor approves, and
the togas don’t come off until the people have had enough, and this is what we
have made for ourselves as our national sport. But, fuck all that, you’re here
for the dick jokes and the gambling advice from a drug addicted hooligan who
charms his way through life, so let’s just get to it.
Pittsburgh (+3) at Cleveland
The Browns finally get a little respect after taking down
the Bills in what was a gambling Waterloo for me and my friends. Sorry, Davey.
But do they have the stones to piss in the face of the Steelers, who are pretty
much better at every aspect of football? That is what’s up for grabs here as we
continue our tour of nihilistic soul destruction, with rapist quarterbacks
being lost for the season and new heroes emerging in the defense, swinging
their big Michigan Man dicks around, all while Baker Mayfield tries to get back
to that place he was in the second half of last year when he seemed like the
heir to the Stabler throne of my heart, collecting his LSU receiving buddies
and my boy Dan in a collective tidal wave that threatened to turn back years of
Failure Demons. But alas, whatever magic Baker had last year has seemingly
vanished and now he is being beaten against the rocks of our collective hubris.
Still, the Browns made a stand last week against the Bills, and maybe, just
maybe, there is some light there at the end of their tunnel, but sadly for
them, that light may just be the headlight of a train carrying some steelworkers
from Pittsburgh, who are on a four game winning streak and seem to be hitting
their stride in a post-rapist world.
This is a moment for Baker Mayfield and the Browns to finally make a
statement that doesn’t smell like shit or look like the burning embers of the
Cuyahoga as it drains its nasty ass into Lake Erie. But it is also a moment for
my boy Devin Bush to Wolverine the fuck out of these poor bastards, and in such
moments the best you can hope for is that your boys don’t get too hurt and that
someone doesn’t fuck up the money train.
Pick: Pittsburgh
New Orleans (-5) at Tampa Bay
The fucking Saints were whipped up on by the Falcons last
week, disrupting all the positive psychic Spirit Warrior energy built up in
that city over the years by dudes like Heinie and The Great Willie Young, and
my ancestors who founded the fair city, but that is what happens when Drew
Brees gets his nasty ass in the way again. Last year, the Saints were swindled by
a similar Tampa Bay team with a cock blind quarterback and you have to be wary
of that happening again. But that seemed to be what happened last week and it’s
hard to see the Saints letting it happen again as they try to cement their hold
on the NFC South. I guess it comes down to whether Alvin Kamara is good to go
and whether the Saints can outshoot the Bucs pass happy scoring offense, which
is up near the league’s best. But the Bucs also have the worst defense in the
league, and New Orleans should be able to shred them to death. This might be a
wild one, a goddamn wild west shootout for all the love of the fair belles in
New Orleans tawdry brothels, but this is what we are here for, right?
Pick: New Orleans
Atlanta (+7) at Carolina
The Falcons had their dance with the prom queen last week in
their upset of the Saints, while the Panthers were slain by the devil himself,
Aaron Rodgers, so it would seem as if these were two teams trending in
different directions. Still, Carolina is better at everything football related
than the Falcons, they still have Christian McCaffrey to lean on, and they
should be able to withstand whatever the Falcons have to throw at them this
weekend. Then again, this just smells like the type of game that a team like
the Falcons can pull out of their asses, still drunk on the success of jumping
the Saints last week. This is a hard one, a battle for the dirty south. Cam
Newton is still dead, Ric Flair is corpsing on Space Mountain, and maybe, just
maybe, the Falcons have some momentum going for them. I gotta go with the Dirty
Birds here, which probably means they will fuck me over and you will find my
body in the trunk of a fine automobile.
Pick: Atlanta
Jacksonville (+3.5) at Indianapolis
Pick: ROLLIN’ ROLLIN’ ROLLIN’
Denver (+10.5) at Minnesota
Joe Flacco has died on John Elway’s cross, and now they have
to meet up with Kirk Cousins, who has won for all the forces of evil enough to
the point that I may have to give him rent money, the fucking swine. Still, don’t
take this is as a defeat because you can never stop fighting the fascist shitheads
like Captain Kirk over here, who I have made my sworn enemy, both in this life
and the lives to come. Oh yes, I am following you through the Cosmos, Kirk
Cousins, and even if we meet in Valhalla, it will not be over and I will catch
you in some seedy cosmic outpost like Han Solo getting the drop on Greedo or
whatever the fuck his name is. THIS IS NOT OVER.
Pick: Minnesota
NY Jets (+1.5) at Washington
This is just a sad game between two sad teams who will be
trying to unhook the feeding tube from the other so we can all go home and get
some sleep before grandma gets buried. There is little that separates them from
each other, from their own mortification as they rot and bloat in these hell streets
that is November NFL football. The Redacteds are a dead team walking after
ghosting Jay Gruden, and the Jets are beset by the same Jets things that have
always plagued them, just more so this year. Someone has to win this game, but
it doesn’t really matter. Just stick your head in the toilet and hope its piss
and not shit.
Pick: Jets
Buffalo (-7.5) at Miami
Buffalo hopes to wash out the taste of whatever befell them
at Cleveland last week, while Miami struggles on, coming off a win while Don
Shula and the boys got drunk and had heart attacks toasting the 49ers demise. I
mean, seriously, none of those boys have to be younger than 70. These are
dangerous games that they are playing in defense of their stupid undefeated
season, when they only played 14 games and half the teams were drunk. (Love
you, Kenny.) I would expect the Bills to bounce back, but on the other hand, it’s
not like the Bills have built up a good credit score here either. I mean, fuck.
The Bills credit has run so bad that they probably can’t even get approved by
Verizon and are stuck working off of burner phones or whatever the fuck plans
they can get at Walmart. You know who managed to pass a Verizon credit check?
Me. That’s who. And I am a scandalous delinquent who should probably have a
backup SSN ready to go in case things get too hot. The Bills are worse off than
me, and yet they are primed for a playoff spot this year, so you never know
when a good villain will turn his shit around on you. So root for the Bills
here, man. Root for me.
Pick: Buffalo
Houston (+5) at Baltimore
Houston is doing good this year but the Ravens are taking no
prisoners, man. They are just straight crushing fools right now. It doesn’t
matter if you’re the dregs like the Bengals or the King of Kings like the
Patriots, no one is stopping them right now. They are a runaway train never
coming back and man, I’m sorry to slip into some Soul Asylum here, but that’s
what’s happening I guess. I can’t control where the gibberish takes me.
Pick: Baltimore
Arizona (+14) at San Francisco
The 49ers finally done got get got. But that was at the hand
of the Seahawks, who are like the 49ers final boss villain every time they get
good. The Cardinals, meanwhile, are still shitting around in year one of the Kyler
Murray show, which has had its ups and downs, more downs than up though, and
its hard to see the 49ers not steamrolling them here. Just line up, play some power football, make
Kyler call your name in the midnight hour, and go home.
Pick: San Francisco
New England (-3) at Philadelphia
New England comes back after going down to the Ravens against
the last team that had any luck against them in the Eagles, who are making
their move in the NFC East. This is a juicy game for sure, and I could see
Philly fucking around with the Patriots again in front of their hooligan fans,
but Tom Brady is Tom Brady and this isn’t the same defense that Philly picked
apart in the Super Bowl a couple of years ago. Instead, that defense has been
exiled to Detroit with Fat Matt (thanks) and is still holding strong at number
one in the league. I mean, they’re only giving up 10 points per game, which in
Video Game 2019 Land Football is pretty remarkable. I could delight you with tales
of Tom Brady’s ghoulish sociopathy, and I could make Gisele Bundchen the
meanest of mean girls, but their decadence speaks for itself and so does their success,
which leaves me with no choice but to kiss the tip and avoid eye contact.
Pick: New England
Cincinnati (+8) at Oakland
The Bengals are the dark outhouse of the league this year,
flailing away at 0-9 in a lost year that will end with a number one pick next
April. The Raiders, meanwhile, are managing to escape Oakland in their divorce
without having all the shit stuck to them. I mean, they are still covered in
shit, but it’s not all the shit like it could have been. In fact, the fucking
Raiders are in the playoff hunt, which is depressing and cruel and shows what a
fucked up world we live in. They are being propped up by the largesse of the
New Americana, the MAGA fuck the future let’s orgy in the blood of brown people
and the poor. Vegas has cast its seedy charms on them and I guess this is just
the way it is in these strange and terrible times. This team that used to be
the apotheoses (buy a fucking dictionary you swine) of all that was Spirit
Warrior good in the world is now being ridden like a hollowed out zombie ghoul
carcass sent to leave everyone shaken down and ripped off as we go around and
around on this conveyor belt of exploitation and madness. But fuck all that, I
guess, because there are graves to be dug and cats to be killed, and these
Bengals are already road kill.
Pick: Raiders
Chicago (+7.5) at LA Rams
The Bears finally got healthy last week, but it was at the
expense of the tragic Lions, so Vegas knows that this was likely just a blip,
and now the Bears can go back to ruining everything for their fans like they
always fucking do. And it’s the same as it ever is, with the offense letting
down the defense, which is starting to crack and hey, Vic Fangio isn’t around
anymore to save your ass. The Rams, meanwhile, find themselves middling away
this season. They were taken down by the Steelers last week, and just haven’t had
the same pop that they did last season when they exploded on the league with a
high powered offense that was only taken down by Tom Brady and his posse of
American Psycho Patriot Way bros. These Bears are not those sociopaths, and
these Rams are not firing on all cylinders either, but it’s the Bears who have
to come into LA, where the wild fires are creepin’ in like Tom Petty and the
Rams have to make a stand if they want to get back to where they were last
year, when it was a Paradise City and the grass was green and the girls were
pretty, and shit man, one of my favorite Axl Rose moments is when he got up
there with Tom Petty on one of those MTV things and just took over the vocals like
a fucking maniac. Anyway, here’s to those wild boys.
Pick: Rams
Kansas City (-3) at LA Chargers
Of course, so much of this hinges on the status of Patrick
Mahomes who seems to be back healthy enough to be the man again here. But you
also have to wonder if this is Phillip Rivers last stand. He hasn’t had the
best season, his running game has kind of tanked on him, and if this goes full
shootout, which it might given the arms and dudes running around here, this
might be his last real chance to make a move and be the dude who can escape
from that Stafford level and go hunting with the alphas. On the other hand, the
Chargers have no real fan support. Axl and Tom Petty aren’t singing for them,
and the Chiefs are probably looking to kill after being dumped by the Titans of
all teams last week. I wish I had something better to tell Phil before the band
starts playing that final song, but I don’t and this is Patrick Mahomes world,
baby, and he’s looking to fuck nameless women in the night while the coyotes
howl their way through the Valley and the wildfires come creepin’ in, and I’m
tired of this town again.
Pick: Kansas City
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