6-7. That’s what I went last week, which means that no
thumbs are getting broken but you might want to put your hands in your pockets
just to be safe. Don’t blame me, I abhor this disgusting scene, a bunch of
fucking vultures picking on the brains of the stupidest of us all. There are
bodies buried in the gambling desert, fat cats and idiots alike. I’m only here
to help you beat this disease by explaining to you that the world is totally
fucked and no one is getting out of this shit alive. That’s right, Everybody
Dies here at Armchair Linebacker dot com even if that isn’t the address anymore
because I am a wretched idiot who has made far too many poor choices to count.
I had to sell the OG address just so I could get some chap stick to suck a man’s
dick behind a dumpster for five dollars. You don’t want to know what I spent
that five dollars on, so let’s just get to this week’s games, idiots and
ghouls.
LA Chargers (+1.5) at Oakland
Amazingly, the Raiders are actually a nose ahead of the
Chargers in the standings at the moment, but really, this is a football game
for Los Angeles’ Soul. Sadly, LA doesn’t give a single shit about the Chargers,
who began their journey here, were exiled to San Diego, which is more chill
than LA, and then they came back home to a people who wanted nothing to do with
them. Meanwhile, the Rams had vacated the city for St. Louis, and the Oakland
Raiders had become the Los Angeles Raiders during the wild 80s, when culture as
we know it exploded and then died. In this postmodern culture we’re living in
now, the Raiders have moved back to Oakland, only to sell out like whores yet
again, this time to Las Vegas, the Rams have come back to LA to reclaim their
crown even though nobody ever really gave a shit about the Rams anyway, it was
always about the Raiders, and the Chargers are back home but nobody wants them.
It’s a fucked up situation, and the real solution to all this madness is
probably to put the Raiders in LA which sucks for my boys in Oakland, but the
world is fucked, they know. LA is a
strange place, a decadent place, the most American thing in the universe. LA is
every wild stupid dream we have collectively had as a country. It is the City
of Angels, the City of America. It is the Beach Boys and Guns N Roses. It is
Hollywood. It is Michael Jackson making a goddamn scene. It is Terminator 2
with that sick chase scene in the LA River basin. Yeah, there’s supposed to be
water there, they really did build a concrete river. It is the dark heart of
the American Dream, Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls are
pretty, never mind the urchins living under the streets. LA is everything we
believe ourselves to be. LA is our Mecca, the place where we all belong as
idiot Americans. There is no city more American than LA, which is funny because
more than half the people who live there are Mexican, but that’s the whole
fucking point. Americans are a relic, a stuffy assed people who got off a boat
and read their bibles, but in our heart we are Mexicans, and LA is the capital
city baby. This is who we are. Anyway, enough rambling. The point is that LA
needs a team to ride, but neither of these teams are that team. Who will win?
Fuck if I know.
Pick: Chargers
Kansas City (-3) at Tennessee
Obviously, this hinges upon the health of Patrick Mahomes,
but assume he plays and this is probably an easy call for the Chiefs. The
Titans do have a decent defense, but this is 2019 and nobody gives a fuck about
defense anymore. All that said, I don’t care about this game at all.
Pick: Kansas City
Buffalo (+2.5) at Cleveland
Man, I feel so goddamn bad for my dude Baker Mayfield and
also my loving son, Dan. I fear that I cursed them by attaching my interest to
their ups and downs, which of course meant that there would be many more downs
than ups. I feel like they can still
turn this thing around, but not this season, which is already lost. Meanwhile,
the Bills are sort of the Browns mirror image in that one is 2-6 and one is
6-2, but also that they both represent steel belt American cities, dying cities
with fat people clogging their arteries with sausages and suffocating under a
blanket of snow and misery, occasionally setting fire to a river here and
there. They are two depressing cities filled with depressing people and the
only way out is a heart attack. Somehow, the Bills are making moves this season
behind a damn good defense and the Browns are, well, the fucking Browns, drowning
in the toilet yet again, slaves to their fucked up Failure Demons. It’s a bad
situation, a never ending shitter of a situation, and I feel bad for them. Me,
a Lions fan, feeling bad for the Browns and Dan, and my god, that is so very
tragic. Anyway, they’ve fucked it all up again and I don’t know what to tell
you other than I love you, Dan, and one day I will crash at your place and read
books and watch the other football with Jude and watch movies and maybe make
love.
Pick: Buffalo
Arizona (+5.5) at Tampa Bay
Both of these teams are shit, but more importantly the
places they represent are shit. Arizona is an awful place. It is a beautiful
place, a desert place, but the people are fucking rotten, ground zero for
fascist build the wall America. And Tampa Bay is no better, home to retirees
who hate the Jews and shit and piss in the ocean. Put these two peoples up
against each other and you have a Nazi reunion. Gather them all together in one
place and just hit the fucking eject button on these evil cocksuckers. Anyway, they all suck and so do their football
teams.
Pick: Tampa Bay
NY Giants (+1.5) at NY Jets
Not exactly a road game for either team, as the stadium will
be packed with a bunch of Yankee jackasses who have ruined America for everyone
else. Fuck New York and Wall Street and all you motherfuckers who have fucked
this place up. The city that never sleeps? Fuck it, it’s a goddamn outhouse of
the soul and I hate it and I hate all its stupid fucking teams which are a
blight on the culture. There is nothing that separates Jets and Giants fans.
You’re all a bunch of sweathogs, mouth hanging open, loud ass motherfuckers,
rude as hell. You people are shit. Just the goddamn worst. Fuck New York. Fuck
Rudy Giuliani and fuck the Cuomos. Fuck the Yankees, and the Mets, and these
two goddamn teams too. Fuck ‘em all. You are a pestilence on humanity. You
ruined it for everyone else and I hope you rot in hell.
Pick: Jets
Atlanta (+13) at New Orleans
Now, New Orleans, now that is a hell of a town, a town with
character and soul. Fuck New York. Shit. Let me calm down. Anyway, New Orleans
is a hell of a place and the Saints are a hell of a team. Meanwhile, the poor
Falcons are still struck dumb from whatever cursed them on that 28-3 day that
none of them will ever be able to forget. It’s hard out here on these cursed
streets, and you especially don’t want to be trading hexes with the people of
New Orleans who will voodoo you into insanity. Atlanta, they should have never
rebuilt you after Sherman burned your dumb ass to the ground.
Pick: New Orleans
Baltimore (-10) at Cincinnati
Man, the Ravens have just slayed the king and now they are
gonna hang their nuts all over everybody the rest of the season. They have the
best offense going today, that ground attack that no one can defend because
everyone is a soft ass pussy these days. They are like stormtroopers marching through
Belgium. And now you have the worst team in the fucking league in front of
them. This one will be ugly. War Harbaugh, the Bo Schembechler way will never
die as long as these whacky fuckers are still alive putting these death walkers
to work.
Pick: Baltimore
Carolina (+7) at Green Bay
Cam Newton is still out, but the Panthers have incredibly
survived so far thanks to Christian McCaffrey running wild on everyone. He’s on
pace for like 1700 yards rushing and 700 yards receiving. He’s the MVP right
now, in my idiot opinion. The Panthers don’t even need Cam Newton with this
dude running on everybody’s ass. But he’ll have to run the goddamn devil into
the ground if the Panthers have any hope of taking down the Packers, who are
still led by that evil motherfucker, Satan himself, Aaron Rodgers. He will get
his, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he took McCaffrey’s soul here. I mean, the
dude is named Christian and he is coming to the devil’s house at Lambeau in
November, which is the most hideous hell house of them all. I just can’t pick
against the devil here. I just can’t.
Pick: Green Bay
Miami (+15.5) at Indianapolis
It’s been a tough season for the Dolphins, who haven’t been
any good for a long ass time now. It’s almost shocking given that the Dolphins
were one of the OG NFL badasses of the 70s and 80s. But that’s a long time ago,
and Bob Griese and Dan Marino are old as hell. Don Shula is senile. All they
have is that pathetic little party that they have every year when the last
undefeated team goes down so the 1972 Dolphins can keep their perfect record.
That was 47 years ago. That’s a long fucking time. You senior citizens can’t
drink like that. Go to bed before you piss yourselves.
Pick: Indianapolis
LA Rams (-3.5) at Pittsburgh
The Steelers are hanging in there even without the rapist.
That’s because they happened upon my boy Devin Bush, Jr., a goddamn Spirit
Warrior king and a Michigan Man. We have so much in common. I’m so happy he’s
running wild on the NFL and I curse my fucking Lions for not drafting him. He
was right there you idiots. But fuck the Lions and fuck me, I guess. But never
fuck Devin Bush. He is a king of men, and he will be a Hall of Famer and The
Man in Pittsburgh, and I’m happy for him. I just wish the fucking Steelers weren’t
the beneficiaries of his grandeur. Especially that idiot ape rapist quarterback,
who will ride Devin like a parasite as his career winds down. Someone get that
asshole in chains.
Pick: Rams
Minnesota (+3) at Dallas
Kirk Cousins meets Jerry Jones and this is why America sucks
so goddamn bad these days. These two idiots are front and center in the worst
parts of our discourse. A despicable oil conman and a good Blackwater boy get together
to ruin the whole fucking world. It’s all money and fake ass Christianity with
these idiots. I’m surprised that Jerry Jones didn’t just go out and buy Kirk
Cousins and start a megachurch of the Dallas Cowboys. What a goddamn scene that
would be, right? Jerry and his cheerleaders, crack and cocaine spilling out of
Michael Irvin on the altar all while Kirk Cousins talks about Jesus. What a fucking
fiasco. Thankfully, these two jackasses have not consummated this unholiest of
unions yet, and maybe we can take them down one at a time before they join
together and ruin the universe. Fuck them both. Fuck ‘em all.
Pick: Dallas
Seattle (+6) at San Francisco
Nobody saw this 49ers domination coming, right? It’s amazing
to watch them be reborn yet again as the NFC’s biggest monsters behind a killer
running game and a dominant defense. It almost feels like a Harbaugh team even
though there are no Harbaughs here anymore since that dipshit York ran my boy
Jimmy back home to me. But the 49ers are doing it the way Jim would do it, the
way his brother John is doing it in Baltimore, the way their dad Jack did it,
the way their godfather Bo did it at Michigan back in the day. This is Michigan
football, baby, and I love it whenever I see it. I don’t love the 49ers and
their fancy ass fans, but fuck it, we can hate fuck our way to a Super Bowl
between these 49ers and the John Harbaugh’s Ravens. I want to watch that game.
Fuck you kids with your Air Raid offenses. I hope you all die a violent death
and rot in hell.
Pick: San Francisco
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