Fuck the Dallas Cowboys

The Dallas Cowboys roll into town this week to take on our beloved Detroit Lions, and it probably won’t be a real good time. The Cowboys have a top ten offense and a top ten defense this year, and of course they have the smarmy fuck you good ol’ boy shitheadedness of Jerry Jones. This is all too much to deal with, especially since Matthew Stafford isn’t gonna play again and Fat Matt and Uncle Paulie are just gonna stand there looking stupid as Dak Prescott hits up Amari Cooper and Ezekiel Elliott runs wild on this bedraggled Lions defense that is 24^th in the league in scoring defense. Just a goddamn bunch of bullshit is all we have to look forward to as we crater miserably yet again next to the Detroit River while Mother Ford sips her gin and reads the Bible with her girls as the world burns.

I actually like the athleticism of Jeff Driskel, and I’d like to see him utilized more effectively as a kickass scrambler, which is what he needs to be because he isn’t an artillery piece like Stafford. But you know that there is no forward thinking going on that sideline, and Darrell Bevell isn’t going to switch things up for this jankety backup quarterback, and so he will have to try to step into Stafford’s shoes and hope he doesn’t get blown the fuck up.

But he is going to get blown the fuck up because that is what happens when you’re the backup quarterback and a top ten defense is coming to town. To be fair, the Cowboys don’t have a ton of sacks this year so maybe he can survive long enough to get a handshake from Stafford on the sideline.

But fuck all that half assed analysis because this is really a story of good vs evil, or at least some fucked up version of it. The Dallas Cowboys are America’s Team, which is fitting for a country reeling, up its own ass most of the time, fucking up and fucking over everyone else on this planet. The Cowboys are the shiny avatar of that gross American Hijacking, that fake cowboy shit, big hats and store bought teeth snarling at you over an oil claim, turning the hose on Mexicans just trying to get by. That is who the Dallas Cowboys are and that is the America that they represent.

And on the other side, you have the blown out fucked upness of Detroit, which has been well documented and turned into a meme, a cautionary tale of what happens when Capitalism just rips your balls out and shoves them back up your own ass. Everyone clowns on Detroit, but Detroit is proud as fuck. It is the engine that built America, that won a world war, that put black and white dudes together on the factory floors, turning out cars and tanks and all manner of steel shit to save the world and give America its identity. Detroit is that Joe Louis Fist, which stands as a symbol for what this city is all about. It is everything that the Dallas Cowboys are not.

Detroit is the fire of America. It is its beating, bleeding heart. The Dallas Cowboys represent all the bosses, all the con men, all the fuckers who use and abuse that heart, who fuck over the workers and steal all their money, blowing it on blow and hookers and big hats and stupid slackjawed idiocy. Fuck the Cowboys. Fuck Texas. You greedy pieces of shit need to be put up against a wall.

Jerry Jones is a slimy weasel of a man, a dumb fucking hick who only knows how to use and abuse people, which has made him rich. But he is also a goddamn idiot who hasn’t won a thing without Jimmy Johnson holding his hand or Barry Switzer going full on Spirit Warrior let’s get drunk and fuck and win this one goddamn time before the hangover comes. And that hangover did come and it was Jerry Jones left picking up all the trash from the night before, and it was Jerry Jones who was too dumb to think that he was the architect for those Cowboys Super Bowl teams. He is a dumb con man, a swindler, a slimy MAGA motherfucker who drinks your blood like a fucking vampire.

The NFL is basically run by Jerry Jones, which is why the league is so fucked up and exploitative. To Jerry Jones, all those NFL players are little more than hookers that he can fuck and then throw back over the border when he’s done with them. He is the NFL’s pimp, and he has ruined many a life. It was no surprise that his “boys” got caught up in coke and whores. Michael Irvin is the perfect mark for a soulless fuck like Jerry Jones. He poured all of his dark arts into that dude and his teammates, got them all fucked up because it was fun for him. The asshole wasn’t gonna win a goddamn thing ever again because he’s a fucking idiot, but he had his fun and he fucked over a whole generation of talent.

Jerry Jones is the perfect jackass for Dallas, Texas. He is JR Ewing only shittier and eviler. He is everything wrong with America and he knows it, but he doesn’t give a fuck because it’s all a game to him. He will fuck everyone over as long as he gets to count his money in a hot tub with a stripper sucking his dick. That is the America we live in right now and it sucks, man. I mean, I’m all for getting dicks sucked and hot tubs and strippers but not when it comes at the expense of real people who just want to make a life for themselves.

Jerry Jones is the type of dude who would fuck a prostitute and then call ICE on her and her family. I’m sure he’s done it. This is the vile America that he represents, that the Dallas Cowboys represent as America’s team. Fuck him and fuck them.

The Lions are losers. Everyone knows this. Detroit has lost and that sucks. But it has lost only because everyone keeps enabling these shitheads like Jerry Jones and his Dallas Cowboys. It has lost because those fuckers have stripped us of everything, from our money to our pride to our dignity and everything else. But the thing is, is you don’t wanna fuck with us. We’re raw as hell and we don’t have anything to lose because you stole it from us. We will fuck you up.

Detroit is attitude. Detroit is Bad Boys Basketball. Detroit is an engine that is hot as fuck underneath all the bullshit and grime. There is a fire that burns at the very core of us, and it is sick of these plastic men, these oil men, these Jerry Jones cocksuckers who think they can just take and take and take and not ever get bit back. You can keep trying to fuck with Detroit, but one of these days, this city is gonna rise up again and it is going to power a new people, a new America, one that takes care of each other and is hard as Joe Louis’ fist.

The Dallas Cowboys are going to come in here and fuck us over for a few hours and then leave and get back to ruining America. But we’ll still be here, and we will rise the fuck up when the time comes and you will all know that Detroit saved the whole fucking world again.

Cowboys 27 Lions 14