The Apes of Wrath

The best thing about video review is that you can say “oh yeah, I guess he caught that” but the worst thing is when everyone starts dissecting it like the Zapruder Film, looking for pellets and cleat marks and then you fall into a wormhole of obnoxious propaganda rules analysts who are basically just cops and then you have to sit and live with yourself after having talked to a cop and goddammit no, never again.

Kenny Golladay scored two picture perfect touchdowns today. I know this because when I press pause on my remote, I can see his feet tucked in the right side of the line, and when I zoom in I can see the dirt between those feet and the boundary line, and then I zoom in on the conversation the referee is having with himself and yes, I can read on his lips, “I swear that I will only use this to fuck with people watching at home who can clearly see that this man has caught the ball and scored a touchdown,”

I quoted it, so it has to be true. But not only did we not get to bask in the glory of that touchdown, we had to listen to that fuckin’ yokel of a ref tell us that the Chiefs had picked up the ball and scored a touchdown for themselves, all of which is a whole lot of bullshit.

This was a weird game to watch, because for the first time this season, it seemed like the Lions were actually winning the game, with Kerryon Johnson running it down their throats and Matthew Stafford delivering perfect little passes, none of which were things that we saw in the previous three games, which were the games the Lions actually won.

But that sort of confused mess is what makes me write about this despicable game. Right now, poor TJ Hockenson is trying to tell his nurse that he needs a new straw to suck on. I have no idea how you put a happy face on this horseshit.

For a moment, a long beautiful moment, 3-0-1 felt legit and earned, and I wasn’t gonna just react with vitriol and wild gibberish but then the ball dropped, and that moment was gone and ruined and fucked up and I don’t know what else to tell you or how to tell it other than to tell you that it felt like we got our dicks sucked but not in a good way, more of an “I just put this dick inside of a vacuum cleaner, ma’am and now I’m afraid my dick is in violent upheaval and wishes to be left alone” kind of way, which is no way to be at all, right? Right.

But these are the perils of being a Lions fan, of watching your team get oh so close only to piss it all away after being dragged into the big city where they will ravish your corpse until it looks presentable enough for hell.

Give it up for that Stafford to Golladay connection though. At the very least you could delude yourself into believing that they could find joy one last time with that Hail Mary at the end of the game, but they didn’t, and you could hear the air go out of the entire stadium, the sound of sustained grief, one gigantic sigh.

So, it’s 2-1-1, with signs that this team might have some fucking life left to it after all. I particularly liked young Justin Coleman going out there and balling with Darius Slay laid up and maybe, just maybe, there is enough life here to breathe some new hope into this fucking circus sideshow.

But that is all a long way off, and for now, we can all be happy that poor TJ Hockenson has no idea that his teeth are still out there on that field and that his spleen was given up for nothing as the Chiefs swooped in and swooped back out with a win. It was a golden opportunity, pissed away like all of our opportunities and now all that is left is to hope that TJ has enough applesauce to share with Matthew Stafford and the gang as they ponder life as a loser.

I meant to get this up earlier but to be honest I needed to crash, and this isn’t any fucking good anyway so fuck it, I don’t know why I’m still rambling about this nonsense. All I know is that the Lions lost when it felt like they were winning and they have won when they felt like they were losing so who knows what the fuck is even real anymore. It is all just meaningless bullshit, much like this sentence and the next and the one after it too. Fuck this, I have better things to do.

That, of course, is a dumb lie, easily sniffed out by you, my humble readers, who know that I am chained to this monstrosity forever, and that I will die in these barren blogger hills and when they find my corpse it will be littered with the brains of the dead and dying, a Hockenson brain living in my nostrils next to a complex of Failure Demons with ape faces as I go mad into the night. I hear you apes hooting and I know that TJ Hockenson’s brain has entered the Bardo, but before he finds Nirvana I implore him to stop and wait for me because I don’t want to be left here with all these goddamn apes.

An ape ate TJ Hockenson’s brain. Just straight up ripped it out of his skull on TV and ate it before god and man, an ape we all know and love, our own special failure demon. But if Le Nain Rouge has truly grown from imp to ape, we only need understand that it is far too late to save ourselves or each other and my god man, these damn dirty apes, this was Earth all along!!!

TJ Hockenson wakes up with an ape brain and the knowledge that his own world was overrun by apes, and in this ape world he is but a child slave, easily used and abused. All hail the apes, the apes have won, the apes have won.

Pretending This Is Fun

The Kansas City Chiefs roll into town in an unlikely showdown between undefeated teams. That the Chiefs are unbeaten behind rock star sex god quarterback Patrick Mahomes should come as no surprise, but the Lions holding steady with zero losses is a bit more of a puzzler.

That puzzle should be solved late Sunday afternoon when Mahomes carves the Lions up, dissecting them live on national TV, forcing them to wail in bloody surrender as their bodies are burned before the eyes of god and man. That is probably what will happen, but who even fucking knows with this team anymore? I wouldn’t be surprised if the Chiefs weren’t rolled into carpets and driven out of town while the locals whooped it up and reclaimed their civic pride, but more than likely, the streets will run red with the blood of our own while Mahomes and his boys rape the countryside.

I wish it didn’t have to be this way. I wish that the Lions would rise up and beat down the Chiefs in honor of Barry Sanders with Christian Okoye’s head mounted on a spike to let Barry know that we still remember when he was so close to winning the rushing title as a rookie before Okoye stole it from him on the last day.

I wish the Lions could rise up and drag Mahomes off the field in a bodybag cackling madly into the night. If not for me, then for the spirit of Gunther Cunningham, former Chiefs and Lions defensive wizard. I didn’t know that he died earlier this year, which is sad, and also surprising given that he was very much of the spirit warrior type, but even 73 years are enough for many spirit warriors who tend to burn out and bleed earlier than the rest. But anyway, he’s dead and somehow the Lions are not, and I’m not quite sure how this has come to be.

Start with what the Lions do well, which, uh, let me check on some things, and ah yes, appears to be not much at all. Matthew Stafford has been reasonably effective through the air, but poor Kerryon Johnson is only averaging 2.6 yards per carry, which is pitiful, and alarming given the Lions obvious preference towards having a strong running game.

So sound the alarms although it is obvious that no one is listening and that even if they were it probably would be too late to save Matthew Stafford from the pain he endures once teams realize they only need to tee off on him to send the Lions offense into a death spiral.

But that is all a lot of ugly talk and miserable conjecture, especially because, for now, Stafford represents our last best hope for getting out of this mess alive. He has a trio of at least functional receivers and a decent rookie tight end who is helping to erase the sting of an Eric Ebron hangover, and if he steps it up a bit here I don’t see why the Lions can’t at least stay in the dreaded playoff talk, which is a weird thing for me to say amidst the usual doomsaying and such, but fuck it, best to just roll with this and pretend we were up for it all along. Sure, fuck it, why not?

Still, it’s tough to see the Lions surviving against the Chiefs here, and sometimes it doesn’t have to be any more complicated than that. I could prattle on all day about keeping spirits up, maybe invoke The Great Willie Young, but in the end I’m afraid I have too say that it will be a good day to be a Mahomes fan and a band one to be a Detroit Lions fan, but such is life here in the spirit wars and we will live to fight another day.

And that is about the best thing you can say if you’re a Lions fan. Live to fight another day, be happy that you’re alive to fight this one and fuck it, maybe when you add all the days up you’ll find one perfect day at the end. Fuck, I don’t know what I’m rambling about. Don’t listen to me, a humble jackass. Just listen to your heart and if your heart tells you that the Lions can pull this one off, then fuck it, let’s just roll with that because I am sick of whining about losing especially when that’s something the Lions haven’t actually done this season. Give me Stafford or give me death, or at least give me a chance to enjoy life as a Lions fan in the year of our lord 2019.

3-0-1 sounds even better than 2-0-1, and especially if it means being clear of the Chargers, Eagles and Chiefs in the early going, I’d say we’re doing just fine. Get passed the devil and shit, then we’ll be talking. Playoffs? Indeed, which is a weird thing to be rambling about already, but you never know. I wish it was with better dudes in charge, people who I could feel proud to roll with, but you take what you get out on these streets.

I’m close to picking a Lions upset here, but we all know that it would be foolish on my part, so in the end let’s just hope that looking a fool is in style this season and I will be, as always, a fool in love with you. So let’s just leave it here, with visions of 3-0-1 dancing in our heads and be happy. After all, we’ll have enough time to wallow in the valley of the dead once Mahomes goes all Superman on us and until then I will remain content to pretend that the Lions, my Lions, will seize the day. Or at least not completely fuck it up, such is their way.

Anyway, I am rambling and all that’s left to do is shut the fuck up and predict a score here, which . . . let’s see . . . yes, I’m seeing something with a 69 in it, and okay yes, good . . . Lions 69, Chiefs 7 because if you’re going to roll stupid might as well roll as stupid as possible. Love you idiots, for I am Krishna.

Gambling With Sanity Week 3

Week 2 has come and gone and I went 10-6, so if you listened to me maybe you are running down the strip with your dick out, waving it at every Vegas showgirl and hustler you can find, waiting for just one of them to jump on it and start sucking the soul out of you. But that is all just useless conjecture and you might be sitting at home thinking that Neil is on to something this year, and hey, maybe I am. But probably not, because I’m likely to bomb all these goddamn picks this week and send you to an early desert grave where even the snakes don’t give good handies and the lizards will simply play marbles with your poor balls, watch as your semen bakes under the light of the hot desert sun, cry as a vulture swoops down to pluck out your eyeballs and know that next week is next week and you might get lucky, but probably not so shut the fuck up and start filling in that grave, we’ve got lies to tell and tears to shed, hearts to wilt and dicks to get mangled by a scorpion as we enter the river of lies that is NFL Football, and hopefully we don’t get sucked out to sea and eaten by a shark before we can collect on our bounty hard won from this week’s picks. So let us begin.

Philadelphia (+3) at Green Bay

Well, it’s the devil vs the It’s Always Sunny Gang, and to be honest, it will likely come down to which team has the meanest, nastiest bunch of shithead fans to push them over the top. Normally that would make the Eagles the easy pick here, but you sure shouldn’t bet against the devil, not when he’s at home and he has an entire stadium full of cheese-engorged cowfuckers cheering him on and threatening to pull an Eagle into the crowd every time they fly by. This is nasty business, especially because the goddamn devil isn’t even on fire yet. Let him get warmed up and he’ll roast these Eagles all day long. These aren’t the Lions, Eagles fans, and shit, even if it were, that’s still not even remotely close to what you’ll experience at the hands of the devil. Aaron Rodgers is going to eat you, he is going to shit you out and you are going to stare up at his asshole as he makes another goddamn TV commercial and you will know what hell is really like.

Pick: Green Bay

Carolina (+4) at Houston

Cam Newton is out, so yeah, roll with the Texans here, who will be ready to ride JJ Watt straight through the heart of whatever Carolina throws out there. And then it’s just up to DeShaun Watson and the Texans offense to finish the job. This could be a buttfucking of epic proportions. Ric Flair gonna cry when he watches this.

Cleveland (+5) at Baltimore

Always a lot of hate here, which is good, but really it will all come down to whether Baker Mayfield can outgun Lamar Jackson, two Heisman winners who can do pretty much anything on the field looking to prove that their way is the best. The Browns will probably try to throw a lot, while the Ravens will like to run it on the Browns, but at the end of the day it’s gonna come down to whoever is willing to stab the other dude to win. Ray Lewis will do that shit. Get him on the field with Ed Reed and they’d scandalize the Browns. But Baker Mayfield and Jim Brown could just as easily roll through Baltimore throwing hands and touchdowns and everything else. Mayfield is a cocky bastard and he’ll no doubt want to light it up in front of Art Modell’s corpse to prove that Cleveland is the real deal and that Baltimore are just thieves, but don’t count out Lamar Jackson, who can run all day and doesn’t give a single fuck about the Cuyahoga River, long may it burn.

Pick: Baltimore

Washington (+2.5) at NY Giants

Saquon Barkley is out, which is a shame, but I don’t know if it really matters. Old hates tend to decide these games better than what hot new flashy rookie is in or out of the lineup, but then again, the Giants desperately need someone like Barkley, especially if Daniel Jones isn’t ready for the job yet. The Redskins also stink, of course, but would no doubt take prime satisfaction in cutting the achilles of the Giants while they sleep. Washington is 0-3 and riding Case Keenum and Adrian Peterson’s ghost so it’s tough to see them doing anything positive here, but the Giants do not have one fucking thing to lean on here, so I’m afraid it might be dudes getting buried in the endzone next to Jimmy Hoffa while the obnoxious fans eat each other and the Redskins get dragged out of the stadium by Indian protesters who will set fire to everything and we can all go home and get fucked.

Pick: Washington

LA Chargers (-16) at Miami

Things aren’t going so well for the Miami Dolphins, and Philip Rivers is more than capable of putting half a hundred on these geeks while Don Shula slobbers on himself and Bob Griese fucks Larry Czonka in the ass with a champagne bottle. Then again, Phillip Rivers is prone to shitting himself in situations like this, so maybe the Dolphins can hang on. I doubt it, though, because these dudes are straight trash this season and Philip Rivers simply needs to walk the ball 70 yards each drive to get out of this shithole with an easy cover.

Pick: Chargers

Oakland (+6.5) at Indianapolis

This is interesting because the Colts can run up the points here and the Raiders are pretty much dogshit. Frank Reich has basically said he doesn’t need Andrew Luck because he has schemed himself a damn good team behind Jacoby Brissett while Jon Gruden still farts around in Oakland with Derek Carr who probably doesn’t want anything to do with this old asshole before they move on to the desert next year. Carr’s older brother David infamously had his brains scrambled as an NFL quarterback with the Texans and he needs to get the fuck out now before Gruden turns him into another potato like his bro. The Carrs don’t deserve this shit.

Pick: Indianapolis

New England (-6) at Buffalo

The only intrigue here is whether Tom Brady wears the Bills fans’ faces as a mask as he skull fucks them into oblivion with a happy Gisele clapping him on. The Bills don’t have much going for them, but shit, they do have OJ Simpson, who is just the knife wielding psychopath Tom Brady needs to watch out for. He doesn’t have Aaron Hernandez around anymore to kill dudes for him. And Antonio Brown’s crazy ass isn’t around to save him either anymore, so now it’s just an old ass Tom Brady trying to get out of Buffalo alive before OJ can run him down. Tom knows how to kill too, as you can tell thanks to the razor blades taped to his forearms and the chainsaw he has hidden in his trunk, but OJ is another animal all together and when the knives come out don’t be surprised if it’s Tom and a dead white bitch named Gisele lying in blood while OJ flees the country. This is the battle America has been waiting for. Tom Brady vs The Juice, knives and guns and chainsaws and god knows what else ready to turn Buffalo into a red mist. They don’t come out of their homes at night, Bills fans, not after being the AFC Lions for these many years and the last thing they need is the sight of Tom Brady carving The Juice’s Balls into their pumpkins this fall.

Pick: New England

Tennessee (+3.5) at Atlanta

The Titans look pretty good this year, while the Falcons look like they are tumbling into a shithole of their own making again. I’ll go with the Titans, if only because the Falcons are a trap, lulling you into a false sense of security with Matt Ryan and Julio Jones before their defense craps out on you and leaves you looking like a piece of shit. I wouldn’t really trust the Titans either, but the thing is, you can’t not trust both teams so in the end let’s go with Tennessee.

Pick: Tennessee

Tampa Bay (+9) at LA Rams

Rams all day, baby, especially because Jameis Winston can’t stop throwing interceptions but especially because the Rams are a good team and the Buccaneers are a flaming piece of shit. It really doesn’t have to get any more complicated than that. Aaron Donald will eat Jameis alive and Todd Gurley will just run it down their throats. Put it together and it’s easy to see why one team will be in the Super Bowl and the other will be slippin’ on stolen crab legs.

Pick: LA Rams

Seattle (-3) at Arizona

Never trust a rookie in the desert, especially when he’s going up against a better version of himself in Russell Wilson. The Seahawks should roll here, especially when you consider that Kyler Murray is a midget and that Pete Carroll loves him some southwestern sun. Wilson will give the Seahawks all the cover they need offensively, while Murray will be smashed by Carroll and Bobby Wagner over and over and over again. The Seahawks might not be the same team they were a few years ago, but they sure can still fuck up the Cardinals.

Pick: Seattle

Minnesota (+3) at Chicago

Kirk Cousins is shit, while Mitch Trubisky may be too, but don’t overlook the Bears defense, led by Khalil Mack. Cousins won’t know what to do with Mack shaking his shit up play after play, and while the Vikings defense is good enough on its own to harass Trubisky, I don’t think it’s nearly enough to account for the kind of limp wristed shit the Vikings will get from Cousins, that fake ass motherfucker from Holland who wants to suck Betsy Devos’ titties and drink from the dick of her brother who founded Blackwater. He is a rotten piece of shit and must be dealt with appropriately. My only concern is that the Bears will fuck it all up because that’s what the Bears do, they fuck it up, but as long as Cousins dies a coward’s death, I’ll be happy.

Pick: Chicago

Jacksonville (+3.5) at Denver

Pick: Jacksonville

Dallas (-1.5) at New Orleans

Drew Brees is out (fuck him) so Dallas should roll here, right? I mean, you never know what voodoo horrors New Orleans will have in store for them, but I mean, come on, this is pretty much a slam dunk, right? Go with the Cowboys and hold your nose. Don’t let Jerry Jones know you’re helping him out and then we can get together and march on his plantation together with a team of hillbillies and Mexicans, stopping only to fuck and get high, as we overthrow the tyranny of his oil soaked shithouse of an empire. We string him up outside his place and no one fucks him until then. That’s the deal, and then we can set his ass on fire and you can all take turns fucking his corpse as it gets dragged down to hell.

Pick: Dallas

Cincinnati (+4.5) at Pittsburgh

Ben Roethlisberger is dead so this is an easy pick, right? I mean, fuck that guy. But then again, you can’t overlook the old hates that will make this game closer than it has any right to be. Ben Roethlisberger isn’t around to rape anyone so that’s good and the Bengals merely need to string together a couple of touchdown drives and everyone can go home happy. It rarely works out like that, but sometimes it does and in this case it’s hard to see where the Steelers get their fire from. Maybe from a crazy Devin Bush lighting motherfuckers up at linebacker? I don’t know. What I do know is these teams are both 0-3 but one of them has the look of a team just waiting to get to the draft next year and so let’s go with the Bengals of Cincinnati.

Pick: Cincinnati