Hating on the Enemy

It’s another Detroit Lions football game and another chance to stare deep into the abyss of our rotten souls. But instead of focusing on how shitty it feels to be a fan of these hideous Lions in the Year of our Lord 2019, I thought it would be nice to pillory another favorite subject instead, yes the loathsome Kirk Cousins, that slithery lizard man from my neck of the woods.

Captain Kirk as he’s affectionately known to his knuckle dragging fans has spent a lifetime representing everything I hate about dudes from my neck of the woods, whether it be identifying with the ultra-conservative MAGA types of this area or whether it’s just being a dumb meathead who tied himself to my archenemy as a hideous Spartan, standing as the captain of a team tied into roiding it up, racism, rape and every other r word you can thing of. To be honest, roiding it up is kind of cool, but not when your rival is doing it, which may seem hypocritical but fuck it and fuck you, this is my hypocrite hill to die on and you motherfuckers will never take me alive. The racism and rapes speak for themselves though, which have been the core of that despicable Sparty program for far too long now, one which has been finally, hopefully laid bare after a series of lawsuits and merciless ass kickings at the hands of my beloved Michigan Wolverines, of whom I am an esteemed family member.

But Captain Kirk, the swine, managed to take advantage of Michigan when they were at their lowest, aka the dreaded Rich Rodriguez years, and went 4-0 against us, a fact that I will never live down and which he owns in his idiot heart as his supreme accomplishment, as if the beating of the weak and ruined is any accomplishment to be proud of. But those sad days are passed, RichRod has been chased into obscurity, last seen being fired in disgraced for getting caught up in the MeToo movement at Arizona and then getting caught up in another program bottoming out as the offensive coordinator at Ole Miss this past season. But fuck RichRod, this isn’t about him.

No, this is about Kirk Cousins, who parlayed bullying the weak and ruined, as much as it pains me to admit that, into mediocrity as the quarterback of the Washington Redacteds, who then used that to springboard into a nice payday as the quarterback for the desperate Minnesota Vikings who saw him as the missing piece that could take them over the top to Super Bowl glory. Naturally, that fell flat in another return to mediocrity for Captain Kirk, only now, this season, he finally has them poised to take that next step, at least until his native Failure Demons drag him back down into the abyss.

He is a loathsome cat, this Kirk Cousins. Now, I have no idea what his personal politics are, I haven’t bothered to dig too deeply into that one, but what I do know is that he stands as the beloved icon for a particularly insipid type of creature known as the West Michigan Conservative, who are rampant in these parts, and are part upper middle class shittyness, the kind who have always been tied to deep Republican virtues like Blackwater and the DeVos family, and part MAGA shitheadedness, which you all know and loathe (hopefully, if you’re reading this.) This is a hideous combination of evil that I have been surrounded by all my life and it sucks, it sucks big time, my dudes and lady dudes.

But Kirk Cousins is the Captain to all these loathsome shitheads and I hate it and him and them and all of it. It’s not a good thing to walk around with hatred in your heart, but here I am, hating on him and these assholes. It sucks, and I don’t like it, but we can’t suffer these fools with love in our hearts or they will just keep festering like a parasite or a virus that nature just can’t seem to kill off.

But this super-virus cannot be allowed to take root and so it’s important of people like me to denounce this villainy whenever we get the chance, so here I am denouncing it and Kirk Cousins and everything he stands for.

But it’s 2019 and my hapless Lions stand in his way, which means that he will continue to prosper, just like MAGA goons have managed, because the Lions aren’t the team to get organized and stop him, much like the leftist coalition has been unable to stop these assholes thanks in large part by a continued giving in to the Clintons and Bidens and those sort of barely left centrists whose shitty policies and craven ideas got us into this mess in the first place, allowing scum like Donald Trump to take advantage of populist outrage by appealing to the darkest fears of the weakest and dumbest among us.  Kirk Cousins is the captain of all those shitheads and my Lions are too weak to do anything about it as much as it pains me to say.

This is because the Lions, naturally, are led by their own loathsome figures in Bob Quinn and Matt Patricia, who I swore I wouldn’t rant and rave against here, but it’s hard man, it’s hard. One is a baseball bat wielding sociopath who managed to live as parasite long enough in the Patriots organization long enough to latch on to a weaker host and suck away on its life with his hideous Patriot Way. One is the same thing, only fatter and rapier and more slovenly, whose defensive nincompoopery led to him tanking the Patriots defense and costing King Brady another crown. Naturally, he managed to impress the other idiot and here we are today, with a Lions team on the brink of another failed season, already having pissed away a shot at even .500, just like last year and just like next year thanks to these clowns.

And now the Lions, with their 25^th ranked scoring D – Thanks Fat Matt! Thanks Uncle Paulie – are about to be picked apart and then picked clean by the Vulture Cousins, who won’t be stopped until he runs up against a better team, which thankfully exists in the NFC, and then the Vikings will find themselves disappointed yet again, which they will so long as they trust in this vicious asshole.

But that’s all a story for another day. Today, the story, as always, is that my Lions will depressingly be able to do nothing to stop him. It would be nice if they did, but we have to be realists, you know? The Lions are a 3-8-1 football team headed for their familiar spot in the cellar of the NFC North where they sit today wrapping themselves in the depressingly familiar chains of the Failure Demons, in a place where even The Great Willie Young can’t help them to escape from. It sucks so much and I wish it was different, just like I do every year, but here we are, boys and girls, here we are.

I will cheer my Lions on today, mostly out of spite for Captain Kirk, and not because I want good things for Quinn and Fat Matt or the rest of these loathsome goons who are running this thing into the ground yet again. I will cheer my Lions on because I know nothing else in my own depressing idiocy, and because fuck Kirk Cousins and fuck whatever team dumb enough to entrust their fate to him. I don’t like to hate on the Vikings, mostly because my Uncle Ted, the dude who was pretty much my dad after my own dad walked out on me, was a Vikings fan up until he died a couple of years back. And so I usually don’t, at least not as much as the Packers or Bears, but still, enough because they have always stood in the way of my hapless Lions, year after year, no matter who was in charge, the buffoons or the evil buffoons.

So here is to what meager hope I can summon in my heart for the Lions today. May they somehow live to stop Kirk Cousins before it is too late. But probably not because I don’t get to have nice things, which sucks, but what are you gonna do about it when you make nothing but Poor Choices, like choosing to be a fan of these idiots, or when the goddamn Failure Demons are always threatening to drag you down thanks to those Poor Choices, which are fun but have serious consequences, like said Failure Demons nipping at your heels? Well, nothing. You just sit back and make more Poor Choices until you are numb enough not to feel the pain anymore, which is all any of us can hope for or do in these strange and terrible times. So fuck it, make some Poor Choices today and then stare off into blissful oblivion while your football team makes an ass of itself on another Sunday and the evil dudes like Captain Kirk continue to flourish amidst a sea of your own suffering and discontent.

Vikings 28 Lions 14