I went 6-9 last week which means fingers have now been
broken next to the already broken thumbs and of course my broken pride. But
what does a long-suffering Lions fan like myself have to be proud of anyway? It’s
a dangerous game you play when you gamble against a man with no pride because
he clearly has nothing left to lose, so the joke’s on you, you Vegas swine, you
can’t take from a man something he never had although I would like my thumbs
and fingers back and also can you please let me stop digging this hole in the desert
sands and also stop pointing that gun at me? Thank you, and now let’s just get
to the endless suffering that is NFL football in the year of our Lord 2019, and
man is that dude ever ashamed of how we’ve done things in those 2019 years.
Dallas (-3) at Chicago
Two teams locked in a sort of tailspin of mediocrity, both
loathsome for various reasons, both not sure if they’ll have a place at the table
when the playoffs start. The good news is that the Cowboys are a sinking team
and as always Jason Garrett has to be grateful that for some reason Jerry Jones
loves his ass. I don’t know if it’s a daddy loves his son kind of love or
something more twisted, but we should never give Jerry Jones the benefit of the
doubt when it comes to anything and so let’s just assume it involves some perversion
and maybe that same fuck house that Jerry used to keep for Michael Irvin and
the boys back in the day where they could all do their coke and fuck whatever monstrosities
who would have them while Jerry leered from his many secret hiding places with
assorted two way mirrors and hidden cameras and what not, just pawing at
himself, a desperate old letch. Anyway,
all that is the good news, well maybe not for the ladies who were involved, but
buy the ticket take the ride I guess. The bad news is since the Cowboys play in
a shit heap of a division, they are somehow in first place and will likely rep
the NFC East in the playoffs. The Bears meanwhile are mired in third place in
the hardier NFC North where the men are all giant descendants of Vikings (fuck
off, Minnesota) and the women will wrap you between their Viking thighs and carry
you off to places of delight you never before thought possible with their yoga
panted splendor and someone needs to come get me before I wind up pants-less again
here in the cold grips of early winter, which is not the best situation to wind
up in no matter how much fun it may seem in the moment. Anyway, the Bears are barely treading water
in the sewers of this wild land and you do not want to be sucked down into
these waters. They are likely doomed as
usual when it comes to them and they don’t get the Lions to beat up anymore
down the homestretch and so I have no possibility to conclude anything other
than their Failure Demons are about to take them into the waste and I do not
envy them but nor do I care about them because they were the first team I ever
really hated as an impressionable youth. I just wish their misery didn’t have
to come at the expense of the fucking Cowboys of all teams, my next hated team
as I grew up and realized that they were the scum of the earth. But fuck it, Everybody Dies and we idiots who
try to be better than these two shithead teams but ultimately fail in the
winter of our sad discontent will continue to know nothing but misery and
sorrow. lol who’s ready for some football???
Pick: Dallas
Baltimore (-7) at Buffalo
Two teams who have surprised this season, the Bills probably
more than the Ravens, but it’s the Ravens who are clearly the better team,
featuring a top five offense and defense compared the Bills top five defense
and much shakier offense. Put it all together and you have two teams who are
gonna try to run it against each other with one team, the Ravens, having the
edge because of one dude, Lamar Jackson, who can run away from everyone and
also torch you through the air. Sometimes, football analysis doesn’t have to be
any simpler than this and I thank these two teams for putting in such simple
ways for a fool like me to look at. Then again, Buffalo is at home and it is
December which means they are probably better equipped to suffer the cruel
delights of vicious early winter type weather which in the Great North that Buffalo
is a part of starts about a week or two before Thanksgiving which as we all
know is now well past us. In the end, I
think I’ll stick with Baltimore, but you never know when a tough Bills defense
will manage to slow even the greats in the spine chilling dead air of the ferocious
and unforgiving North where we pile all the bodies in the basement to eat
before coming up for air sometime in March when we have to have our final feast
before the bodies start to thaw and everything gets all nasty. But fuck it,
that’s just life here and if you’re too soft to appreciate it then fuck you,
you lazy weak kneed southerners, we will burn our way to the ocean again through
you if you don’t calm down. Oh yes, we haven’t forgotten. Shit, what were we
talking about again?
Pick: Baltimore
Washington (+14.5) at Green Bay
The Redacteds seem to have discovered some life these past
couple of weeks, which means they are now a shitty 3-9 instead of an apocalyptic
first pick in the draft kind of bad, which honestly they should have just been
content to settle for, but no, they played their dumb asses instead and now are
stuck in that phantom zone of shittyness that will leave them in a mangled pile
next to the rest of us somewhere behind that first pick and its potentially franchise
altering infusion of talent, which they would just fuck up anyway because they
are who they are and have been that way ever since Joe Gibbs said fuck and
sayonared out of town before Daniel Snyder could attach himself like a parasite
and suck whatever life was left in his decrepit old body. Anyway, that’s their shitty story and now the
devil himself awaits them on his frozen hell field of Lambeau, which is just
one of his many abodes, they’re not all hot like hell, you know, and as we all
know from our Dante, the devil is forever trapped in ice up to his chest anyway
in the inner most circle of hell, so Aaron Rodgers here is right at home and
waiting to take the soul of this idiot team of Redacteds, who should have just
stayed in their own rancid swamp to be hideously defiled by that orange haired
piece of shit who is El Duceing his way through our dumbass country. Anyway, that is what they have to look
forward to, more suffering at the hands of the frozen devil while that other
idiot eats them up through the ass and not in a fun way either, but the kind
where he gets into your intestines and starts chewing like a rat or the gerbil
that found its way inside Richard Gere that one time. Yeah, that kind of way.
Pick: Green Bay
Denver (+7.5) at Houston
These two teams are mirror images in the sense that one is
4-8 and the other is 8-4 and that in itself is really all you need to know
here. The Broncos are ass and will be until John Elway is forcibly removed by
his own people and ground up into whatever hideous state they can get him into
and then shoot his remains out of a cannon at Hunter S. Thompson’s old
place. But that is all left for a later
time and for now they just have to deal with getting ridden into the ground by
teams like the Texans here who are relatively mediocre and yet firmly ensconced
at the top of the AFC South with a really good quarterback and receiver combo and
since Joe Flacco is dead, the Broncos don’t even have one of those (not that they
would even if he was still alive but fuck it, just go with me here okay?) so
this is a fairly easy call here I think, save for a miracle like John Elway
finding a time machine and dragging a younger version of his horse faced ass
back to save the day. But John Elway doesn’t have a time machine, and god knows
what hideous place he’d turn this world into if he did, like we’re talking Back
to the Future 2 type of shit, just dark and depressing and not at all fun like
the first Back to the Future or the third when Marty goes back to the Old West
and Doc Brown gets to fuck the school teacher who is married to Ted Danson in
real life. No, John Elway doesn’t have one of those time machines, so he’s shit
out of luck as are his craptacular Broncos here in this 2019 world which is
actually past the future as seen in Back to the Future 2 and I don’t know how
all this plays out but I do know that a Bill and Ted 3 is coming to us in the
next year and so I am sure those boys will have it all worked out for us, and also
Mary Steenburgen, aka Doc and Ted Danson’s paramour, remains hot as fuck even
as she gets into her, let’s see here… she’s 66? God damn. I’d still hit it to
be honest, we can’t be afraid of these kinds of things.
Pick: Houston
San Francisco (+3.5) at New Orleans
Two of the three teams tied atop the NFC right now, and when
it all shakes out, I suspect at least one of them will be playing in the NFC
Championship game, but you never know how these things will shake out,
especially in a world where the devil himself still has something to say about
it all and where Russell Wilson still goes about his business, quietly putting
together an MVP season of his own right now.
Anyway, that is all noise for a later date. This one, here now, will be
telling in how it all shakes out. You can’t really argue with the 49ers who have
the second best scoring offense and second best scoring defense in the league
right now. But you can’t overlook the Saints, who have the better quarterback
even if he is a renowned asshole torture
advocate and a running back in Alvin Kamara who is certainly more electric than
whatever the 49ers throw out there. But the 49ers running backs don’t need to
be electric, especially when they have been as effective as they have been all
season and lol look at me doing all this big boy football analysis without
getting lost in deranged tangents involving alligator hookers or some
shit. Anyway, let’s not go there for now
and just appreciate that both of these teams are looming at the top of the NFC
landscape and I don’t know who to choose not even if you put a gun to my head,
which is what happened the last time I ran afoul of the pimp of those alligator
hookers which again, let’s not talk about especially because my therapist says
I need to let it go. In the end I think I’ll stick with New Orleans who are the
home team here and who have a quarterback who has won it all and done it all in
his many years leading them through the swamps with those goddamn alligator hookers
all the way to Cuba to oversee all that sweet torturing of brownish people and
goddammit, Leon, I told you I would pay your girls and can you please tell them
that I definitely don’t want to get my dick sucked by those alligator teeth. Well,
maybe one more time.
Pick: New Orleans
Cincinnati (+10.5) at Cleveland
This seems pretty generous for the fighting Dans, but it’s nice
to see Baker Mayfield get a chance to get things right with himself and the
lord against a shitty team like these Bengals who should be called the Bungles
for all their ineptitude, lol thank you I will be here all week. Anyway, the Bungles are awful and let’s not
waste any time or energy on their failed asses. Instead, let’s take a moment to
appreciate Baker Mayfield scrambling back to get right with us and with Jesus
as he lets his inner Stabler go to work for him. I think he’ll be alright and
just needs to get through this season, which will be tougher now that Myles
Garrett is locked up in some hellish NFL jail where Roger Goodell makes you
read the Bible and comes in late at night wearing a dress and with a sock
filled with baseballs which he uses for nefarious reasons on you in the midnight
hour. Drew Brees is getting hard as we speak and hopefully, Baker Mayfield and
Myles Garrett can survive them and let them get to know each other a little
more intimately while the Browns have a chance to escape this season alive with
nothing lost other than the hope that this year would finally be their year.
Clearly it hasn’t, but just hang in there baby, and one of these days,
everything will work out just fine, Baker Mayfield. I would promise you but you
know what my promises are worth in this horrific world of NFL football, so
maybe stay away from me and then everything will be alright.
Pick: Cleveland
Carolina (+1) at Atlanta
The Falcons have gone back to their losing ways after their
brief Flowers for Algernon experience last month, which has now finished and
they can go back to being the retards they always were. I’m sorry if that word
is offensive to you, but it shouldn’t be, it is just a way to describe those
kids with learning developments who are so annoying that you want to hang them
with their own pants or at least tease them with some candy before beating them
with a sock filled with baseballs or whatever you have handy, I can’t tell you
exactly how to go about your business. Anyway, yeah, those kids. You might
think that is cruel and horrible, but these are strange and terrible times and
I don’t make the rules. All I know is that it is fun to bully the helpless,
especially when they start shitting themselves and okay, okay, I’ll stop, this
has been too much even for me. Please
don’t hurt those lovable little guys, even if you do think it’s funny to trick
them into hurting themselves and wait no that is horrible and no one should
ever do that or condone that or make light of that. All I am saying is that those little goobers
need our help and our protection from awful monsters like Jerry Sandusky or Dan.
That’s all I’m saying.
Pick: Carolina
Miami (+7.5) At NJ Jets
Another meeting of two shitty teams headed for the top ten
of next year’s draft and to be honest nobody cares about this game and nor
should they, so fuck it, I’m not going to waste another word on them.
Pick: Miami
Indianapolis (+1) at Tampa Bay
Clearly, Vegas doesn’t really know what to make of either of
these mediocre teams. The Colts are one loss away from basically being
eliminated from any playoff talk while the Buccaneers are content to lay low
and pick off any stranglers, the same way Jameis Winston used to pick off drunk
college girls back in they day. Tampa Bay’s offense should make them the favorite
here, but their defense is so putrid it might not even matter. Meanwhile, the
Colts are perfectly mediocre anyway you look at it with a record, an offense
and a defense that are right around the middle point of all NFL teams this
season. That means that they are a very boring an uninspiring team even when
placed against a more chaotic let’s just throw the football and fuck defense
kind of team like the Bucs. I suppose I
will roll with the team that can actually score some points even if their
woeful defense gives them right back. I don’t know, this is confusing and I’m
tired and have made too many bad choice to let myself care any more than I
already have about this fucking game.
Pick: Tampa Bay
LA Chargers (-1) at Jacksonville
Pick: ROLLIN’
Kansas City (+4.5) at New England
A potential preview of playoff football here, although the
Patriots are the team that have remained atop the AFC mountain while the Chiefs
have struggled a bit to maintain their place right next to them. Don’t get me
wrong, the Chiefs are still dangerous as hell, especially with Patrick Mahomes back
healthy and doing his thing, but the Patriots are a whole other animal,
especially when King Tom can pry himself away from looking at himself in the
mirror and reciting Huey Lewis lyrics while some poor girl screams for help
while a rat eats away at her insides and Gisele has the Filipina maids run all the
loud appliances in the house at the same time so the girl can scream herself
out before Gisele and Tom fuck each other and her lifeless body, It gets hard
to find news ways to get excited when you’re at the top, and even harder when
you are both so beautiful that even fucking each other feels more like
masturbation than anything else. No, you have to find your fun ion other more
creative ways, and since our dude and his girl are both naturally creative creatures,
I think they’ll come up with something.
Pick: New England
Pittsburgh (Pick em) at Arizona
The Steelers have managed to survive without the rapist, and
it’s somewhat surprising to see them not get more respect from the oddsmakers even
if they do have to go the desert and try to contain Kyler Murray. But he is
just one little dude, and he doesn’t have much else around him, not even if you
include the now ancient Larry Fitzgerald who is just stubbornly trying to hang
on and make a run at Jerry Rice for all the cool wide receiver records which he
won’t get to because Jerry Rice put a ton of distance between he and anyone
else who could ever come desperately crawling through his footsteps. Larry
Fitzgerald is the closest one yet and still he will only wind up number two in
everything. That has to be a little frustrating, to not be the best all time
but still close enough that it bothers you because you are a hypercompetitive psycho
who can’t abide anyone else anywhere throughout time possibly being better than
you at anything. That’s when you know you’re really good, when you start competing
against time and ghosts instead of the dudes you play with and against in the
present. But Larry Fitzgerald is just
one more old dude who has slowed enough that he can no longer be the savage god
of days yore. Maybe once in a while, hell maybe this week even, but probably
not and then it’s just a matter of time before my man Devin Bush hunts down and
breaks poor Kyler Murray. That’s the matchup I want to see, one that I would
have loved to see last year, when they were both in college, but alas some
things are just not meant to be I guess. I blame Ohio State, as always.
Pick: Pittsburgh
Tennessee (Pick Em) at Oakland
Tennessee is better than Oakland at just about everything
and the Raiders are a team suffering in limbo between now and before they can
escape to their desert hell, having alienated all their fans and disgracing the
memory of dudes like my man Kenny Stabler, who died at 69 as all greats do,
probably in a 69 if I know my dude, probably in a 69 on a powerboat with no
pilot just running amok in the Gulf. God bless that man, and God bless those old
Raiders teams that he used to lead. But
those days are long since passed, Kenny and the boys are all dead and now all
that’s left to do is wait for this corpse of a franchise to be broken down and
driven into the desert to be reassembled as some new soulless monstrosity run by
a soulless ingrate like Mark Davis, Al’s lizard spawn after that time he couldn’t
pull out fast enough and his old lady was visited by lizard cum in the dead of
the wild night while Al tried to jack his dick into being ready for round two
back in the day when Viagra or Cialis wasn’t around to make that kind of thing
easier. Anyway, yeah, that’s where Mark
comes from. Meanwhile, he is being conned by Jon Gruden who just wants to make
this presentable enough so he can retire to his own private Vegas penthouse
where he can fuck all the showgirls in between dark days spent gambling in the
casino down below, blowing his fortune while his family tries desperately to
get through to him, even son Jay, who will probably just fall deep into the
same degeneration as his father, which is true for so many of us and anyway, I
really wish my dad wouldn’t hold out on me with his Oxycontin, I mean he won’t
even take it himself because he’s an old bitch who is too afraid of OD’ing like
a real man. I know where you keep your stash, old man, and also why the fuck
can’t you just keep the Oxy script and pass it along to me, I won’t tell
anybody, not even the paramedics who have to try to jump start my heart like my
boys in Motley Crue used to sing about.
Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah, so both these teams are no good really,
but the Titans are clearly the better no good team going by the numbers which are
all we have separating us from the animals, even the smart ones like dolphins
or certain chimps and apes, who probably wouldn’t care if I get high off of my
dad’s stash. It’s 2019, quit being so stuck up about these kinds of things.
Pick: Tennessee
Seattle (-3) at LA Rams
The Seahawks are one of those teams tied atop the NFC
mountain right now along with the 49ers and the Saints, and after having
vanquished the 49ers a few weeks ago, they seem like maybe the team to beat
this year. Still, I wouldn’t count out the Rams just yet, who are still
dangerous and still have maybe the best running back in the league in Todd Gurley
even if he has been rather ordinary this year and the best defensive player in
the NFL in Aaron Donald. Honestly,
though, the Rams vaunted offense has been pretty meh this year with no one
playing their best ball. Meanwhile, Russell Wilson is playing like the NFC MVP and
it’s easy to call for a Seahawks win here, but you never know when the Rams are
going to click again and run wild on everyone.
I think I’ll stick with Russell Wilson, though. This just seems to be
his year and you never want to go against a dude like that, especially when he’s
just getting into the homestretch and is likely getting into that zone that
only the truly best dudes can get into. I
don’t have anything witty or interesting or stupid to say here, so let’s just
go with the Seahawks before I do.
Pick: Seattle
NY Giants (+8) at Philadelphia
Two teams with two of the biggest asshole fanbases in the
world, which means that fuck both of them and it’s just too bad that they can’t
both lose this game. The Philly fans are
all a bunch of mooks like my boy, Tosh, love ya baby, but the Giants fans aren’t
any better. They’re all fans of The Sopranos and are loud and rude and probably
smell bad. I mean, shit man, Jimmy Hoffa better hope they didn’t bury him in
their endzone like one of the stories go. What a way to spend eternity with your
carcass trapped beneath those swine, your ghost trapped in a hell made cell,
too miserable to do anything other than to wait for Peter Venkman and the gang
to come bust you and send you to a more palatable hell than this one. It’s been a long time that his ghost has been
trapped here and someone needs to help that poor dude out before it goes mad
and starts poltergeisting people in an old lady dress or some shit. You know that
shit has to happen to some of those who have gone to the great beyond. It’s some nasty shit, but what the hell can
you do? Anyway, both of these teams suck
this year but the Giants suck worse, so fuck them and fuck all their mouth
breathing fans. Tosh, I’m sticking with you, baby.
Pick: Philadelphia
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