Okay, so I totally botched this week’s Gambling With Sanity
because I saw there were no Thursday games this week, and I planned on doing
all this bullshit on Saturday, but I forgot that they start playing on Saturdays
in December because people can’t be without their football with the college
games winding down. So, this is obviously truncated but that’s okay because I
am wide awake at 5:02AM on this Sunday morning due to some certain choices that
I made that has left me incapable of sleep outside of a coffin. So, any fucking way let’s just get to the
shit, and I won’t even look at what last week’s shit turned out to be because you
don’t need to know that I am any dumber than you already do.
Detroit (+7) at Denver
Normally, I do a separate post for the Lions game, but this
week is all blown to fuck already, and there is only so much bile I can spew,
like I understand that you want blood but the blood has all been wrung out
already and now we’re just sucking on the bones and the marrow and there is
only such much marrow to go around before we start to eating each other, and
then when you’ve eaten all your friends, the only thing left is to eat yourself
piece by piece, doing it scientifically in a way that allows you to optimize your
flesh, and I can only do that every so often. There comes a time when even
eating your own entrails isn’t enough to warrant further evisceration from nano-demons,
and you just have to shut the door and keep it shut for a while and let nature
take its course. There is nothing to be said about the Lions and the Fords that
hasn’t already been said, at least until The Great Willie Young and I do peyote
and finally figure this shit out. But until then, fuck the Lions because I am
sick of them fucking us.
Pick: Denver
Oakland (+7.5) at LA Chargers
It was both funny and satisfying when the Raiders fans almost
literally ran them out of town after their final game in Oakland. Thanks for
the memories, but this hasn’t been a healthy marriage for a long time. You would
like to think that at some point, the Raiders could have recaptured some of
that Stabler Spirit Warrior magic, but oh no, that never really happened, and
it sure as fuck won’t happen when they are ensconced in the lurid bacchanalian
fuck gardens of Las Vegas, where everything is designed to fleece you of your
belongings. But that is all for another day. For today, these nomad Raiders
will sink down to LA where they will face the Chargers in a game that will be
interesting to see from a fan standpoint because LA has a lot of Raiders fans
due to past associations and also because the silver and black looks cool especially
when it was being rocked by NWA, not the wrestlers which would have been goofy
as fuck but Ice Cube and the boys. I don’t know how many people give a shit
about the Raiders in LA these days, but I do know they don’t give a shit about
the Chargers, which makes this feel almost like a bowl game or some shit,
sponsored by Hooters and the Military Industrial Complex.
Pick: Chargers
Jacksonville (+7.5) at Atlanta
Pick: Atlanta
New Orleans (-2.5) at Tennessee
I could see New Orleans getting tripped up here, but it also
feels like one of those games where everyone sees it as a trip up type of game
so there will be no surprises as evidenced by the relatively tight point
spread. That means it will come down to which team is better, home field
advantage, you know the deal, which makes this a tough one to call, but I think
I will roll will the Saints if only because I will need a lot of help from them
when I take a run at the real throne, the old man has gotten soft in his golden
years with Jesus moving back in with him after not being able to cut it in the East
and South Asian leagues who still have five star talent like Krishna. But that
is yet again another story for a different day.
Pick: New Orleans
NY Giants (-1) at Washington
Asshole game for asshole fans. Fuck off.
Pick: Fuck Off
Pittsburgh (-3) at NY Jets
My dude Devin Bush being the superstar linebacker that he is continues to
make me happy, but it also makes me sad because the Lions could have drafted
him but didn’t because they are run by evil fucking idiots, the same kind of
evil fucking idiots who make this world such shit for so many people, but that’s
more of that bile coming out and I don’t want to let it start spraying
everywhere because I won’t be able to stop, and anyway, what I want to say is
that I am glad that Devin Bush has found instant happiness in the NFL because
he is a True Spirit Warrior and I will roll with him in my Valhalla as part of
my All Michigan Team and all I can hope is that they don’t let any Buckeyes in
there.
Cincinnati (-1.5) at Miami
This is a trash game with no winners, and it’s offensive to me that I
have to sit here and try to come up with something interesting to write about
these shitbird teams who are both just trying to get their lips around Chase
Young or whatever quarterback that can trace his roots back to wild Arabian
horses or whatever the fuck genotype these dudes are a part of that can both
throw and run for all the yards. Cincinnati looks like they will probably get
first suckling, but a failed football team can always somehow fuck itself into
an even more fucked position, I don’t know what I’m rambling about but you do
know that they will somehow fuck it all up.
Pick: Miami
Carolina (+7) at Indianapolis
Two teams dwindling down the days until they can all go back home and
toss their ladies around the room thanks to jacked up testosterone and lack of
structure, which is not a nice place to be in, but a fool doesn’t know that he
is a fool, and when there’s nothing to do but play with your toys that you
never got to play with because you probably grew up with nothing and now that
you’ve got that signing bonus you can do all the drugs and fuck all the women
and at some point that life will all collapse around you because you’re still
just a child, but none of that matters now, as long as no one films it with
their phones which is a weird thing really, the way that the phone has become
much more than just a phone, and yes, one of these teams will win and one will
lose, but I don’t fucking care which one does what and also send me your nude
pics you have saved on your phones.
Pick: Indianapolis
Baltimore (-10) at Cleveland
This is a blood feud, which automatically makes it worth watching, but
also, I declared on Twitter earlier this week, which I imagine every single
person reading this already saw because that’s where Neil hangs out these days,
that I am adopting the Browns as my new team. Now, of course the Lions are
still my team. It’s just that it is a loveless marriage and right now I even
hate the bitch, and the Browns are another ne’er do well team that I can
sympathize with and I still need to fuck even if my marriage is a sham. And I
still like Baker Mayfield, who has certain Stablerish tendencies that I admire.
I don’t give out Stabler points freely, so I really mean it when I say that I
think he is of the Stabler tree. I know there is the whole Ohio of it all, but
honestly, the worst parts of Ohio are everything not clinging to Lake Erie.
Cleveland is a good town, certainly better than Cincinnati or that rat’s den in
Columbus, and I want to lend my pathetic energies to the Browns faithful if
they will have me, at least until they fuck me over which they will. But for
now, I’m a Lions fan first, but I’m fucking the Browns, and Dan that means I
get to be the big spoon.
Pick: Baltimore
Dallas (-2.5) at Philadelphia
Goddammit it feels like we just did this one and I damned both of these
teams and their fans and people to hell, except for Tosh who is a good Philly
dude and not a cocaine addict despite certain photographic evidence but fuck
all that I don’t want to snitch on my boy and it’s okay anyway because this is
pretty much a closed loop and we all know each other by now I think and what
happens in the internet stays in the internet, unless of course you somehow are
reading this after taking a wrong turn waaaaaay in the back of the internet renfair,
in which case I advise you to just give up and get high and fuck or send me
some money so I can make better choices for all of us. Anyway, fuck the
Cowboys, fuck ‘em real hard, I will roll with Tosh.
Pick: Philadelphia
Arizona (+9.5) at Seattle
The Seahawks should take this one pretty easily, and if they don’t, its
not my fault. Pete Carroll makes some Poor Choices of his own sometimes, you
know. Other than that, I have nothing to say about this game.
Pick: Seattle
Kansas City (-6) at Chicago
It’s cold as fuck in December in Chicago and it’s at night which is even
more brutal which means someone is probably having a testicle frozen and hacked
off on Prime Time, which is just how we entertain ourselves in the Midwest. This
is where a million Brock Lesnars (very poor forms of, etc.) make themselves
subhuman, fighting the pin prickling cold by fucking with each other and acting
like they will start eating each other as soon as the grid goes down. It’s
fucking cold in December in Chicago at night. This is not a place where you
play games. But they will because the NFL prides itself on these types of Man
against Everything games. They want that epic cold snow scene because when you
get down to it, this is all really just theater, and Sunday in late December in
Chicago is about the best place to find that kind of action, but maybe it will
be like 38 degrees and it will just piss that stinging rain. That would be cool
too. I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about.
Pick: Kansas City
Green Bay (+5.5) at Minnesota
This would be so much more fun if it was played in the cold and snow, but
it will be played in an air conditioned dome between the devil himself and Kirk
Cousins who is even worse than the devil. God will fight with the devil. That
is his wayward boy, but God won’t have anything to do with Kirk Cousins no
matter how much he sucks up to him. That is because Kirk Cousins was born
without a soul or whatever you want to call it. He was conceived not out of
love nor out of hate but out of simple indifference and has lived his life in
the same sort of stooped mind, the enlightened parts shorn off, only
recognizing loud colors and 248 words chosen carefully by the sort of Deep Evil
that spawned Blackwater. And somehow, this human made up of excrement and shame
has led the Vikings to a shot at first place. And the sad thing, is I don’t
think even the devil can beat him at his own screwed game. There is just a feeling,
that somehow this rat fuck will get away with it all. And now I have to place
my hopes in the goddamn devil. This is what life has brought to me in 2019, begging
the fucking devil to take down Kirk Cousins.
Pick: The Bastard Cousins Will Somehow Beat The Devil
No comments:
Post a Comment