Went 5-11 last week, which is bad news for anyone dumb
enough to follow my idiot words about this idiot sport, which to be honest isn’t
very many of you which must mean the world is smart, but that can’t be true,
can it? Are we the idiots? I don’t know, fuck it. That’s the best I’ve got for
you these days. Fuck it. It’s easy to do, you just have to fuck it. So . . .
fuck it.
NY Jets (+14) at Baltimore
Lamar Jackson going full Death Star on the entire NFL is
pretty amazing, especially because it blows up so much of the idiot
philosophies of NFL diehards who think that a quarterback has to be a dude who
just sits in the pocket and throws the ball to the fast guys and also is white
which they won’t say out loud but it is the essence of their entire belief
system which is fucked, but if you’re reading this, I imagine you know that the
world is fucked. Anyway, Lamar Jackson turns these idiots into shaved apes,
foaming at the mouth, hooting and flinging shit at each other because they can’t
understand why this dude breaks their tiny thought models, which are really
just a diseased rat chewing its own balls off for no reason other than it is
hungry and stupid. That is the thought model that these imbeciles are
malfunctioning about because Lamar Jackson is a young black quarterback who can
run and throw all over the place and he isn’t getting broken in half like RG3. At least not yet. Fuck, I have probably put
the Failure Demons on him just by writing this. Sorry, Lamar, that’s just the
way things go around here. But until those Failure Demons catch up to him, I
love that he’s out there just obliterating everything. He’s already rushed for
over 1,000 yards this season and is on his way to more than tripling that
through the air and no one has been able to stop him, and these putrid New York
Jets certainly aren’t going to be the team that does it.
Pick: Baltimore
Philadelphia (-6) at Washington
There’s a chance that the Eagles or the Cowboys gets into
the playoffs by winning their division at 7-9, which is some ugly fucking
football, but I don’t give a shit about any of that and neither should you. The
NFC East is fucking terrible this season, which is fine by me because their
fans are all fucking terrible too. It is the most obnoxious division in pro
sports and they get off on it. They know that they’re awful and they just don’t
give a shit. The NFC East is the Donald Trump of sports divisions, and it makes
perfect sense that the winner of Division Trump will be some 7-9 team with the
most horrible fans on earth. It doesn’t matter if it’s Philly or Dallas, it
works either way. Whoever comes out on top will be a shitty football team and
people will say that they shouldn’t be there, but you know that if it’s either
Dallas or Philly, that game will be in the prime time Sunday Night spot and
everyone of you will watch the goddamn thing. These are the teams that America
deserves just like Donald fucking Trump is the president that America deserves.
Anyway, fuck every team in this shitty division and their fans, except for Tosh
and I won’t even post the pic of him all coked up this week. Or maybe I will. I
just love that pic, just like I love Tosh.
Pick: Philadelphia
Chicago (+7) at Green Bay
Part of me can see this being one of those games where the
Bears defense terrorizes Aaron Rodgers which they manage to do every so often.
But the other part of me knows that the Bears this season don’t have whatever
magic they sometimes manage to stumble upon, and that Aaron Rodgers is the devil
himself and he’s at home for this one. Still, the Bears are kinda hanging in
there and maybe, just maybe, they have some of that weird Bears magic left over
from last season, but I doubt it and you never want to bet against the devil
himself in December at his own house, frozen like Dante says in The Inferno,
just waiting for these sinful Bears to come calling and to fuck up when they
do.
Pick: Green Bay
New England (-10.5) at Cincinnati
It doesn’t really matter if the Patriots aren’t killing
everyone right now and you’d be an idiot to assume that this is the end, so
calm down Alex and don’t suffocate your baby just yet because we all know the
Patriots are still Dad, and everyone else in the AFC still lives under his
roof. They still have Tom Brady, who is almost certainly doing things behind
the scenes every day that would make your blood run cold involving immigrants,
babies and god only knows what else. And they have the number one scoring
defense in the league, which is when they are super dangerous unlike that year
when Fat Matt Patricia made Tom Brady vulnerable to humans and also the
Philadelphia Eagles. But Fat Matt isn’t there anymore. No, he’s here, with me,
with my Lions, which is just the most disgusting fucking thing the universe has
done yet to me, to all Lions fans. But this isn’t about me, this is about the
Patriots of this season, who don’t have Fat Matt dragging them down into the
abyss but do have King Tom and a championship caliber defense, and they are
still Dad and someone will have to kill Dad to get to all his money, and yes,
Alex, I have whispered to your baby daughter that “Kill Dad” is the only way to
win in life.
Pick: New England
Houston (+1.5) at Tennessee
Not a lot separating these two teams, which makes it even
creepier that Tennessee used to be Houston back in the day before the Oilers
became the Titans and before Warren Moon became Steve McNair. But, yeah, there
isn’t a whole lot to say here other than the Texans seem to be trending down a
bit since JJ Watt went down with a torn pec and yes, I just googled that shit
just for you. Tennessee, meanwhile, has
won four in a row, and seem to be sneaking up on everyone and might just rip
the division away from the Texans, who deserve it on account of being Texans.
Put two and two together and this seems like a pretty easy call for Tennessee,
right? Of course, that is usually when I get my ankles cut or some horrible
shit, but let’s not be afraid of the future just because the past has fucked us
in the ass or cut our ankles or I don’t know what in the fuck I’m even talking
about.
Pick: Tennessee
Seattle (-4.5) at Carolina
Carolina seems to be falling apart without Cam Newton or Ric
Flair, both of whom I assume are waist deep in their own filth in some
backwoods strip club which is just a pretty thin cover for a whore house, and
while they are out running hos the Panthers are a team on the brink of anarchy,
and poor young Christian McCaffrey’s tender flesh is out there for anyone to
just come along and dirty up, which I suspect is what will happen when the Seahawks
come to pay him a visit this weekend. Russell Wilson and Pete Carroll know all
about stripper whores and fresh white meat, and sometimes that’s all you need
to know when making these kinds of picks.
Pick: Seattle
Denver (+13) at Kansas City
Denver surprised the Texans and their falling apart team last week, but they won’t sneak up on Patrick Mahomes, who has the Chiefs
rolling after walking into New England and beating the Patriots. He’s all set
to rain down hell fire on the Broncos, who will continue to suffer under John
Elway, which is always an awkward thing when the local hero is fucking up and
nobody knows how to deal with it or get rid of him without causing pain for everyone.
That certainly won’t happen to me with Stevie Yzerman and the Red Wings, no
sir, oh god please don’t let that happen. You can take John Elway as a sacrifice,
just leave Stevie alone.
Pick: Kansas City
Miami (+3.5) at NY Giants
I don’t give a single shit about either of these teams and I
resent you for making me write even this much about them. Fuck them both and
fuck you too. I’m sorry, I don’t mean that. I can’t afford to alienate any of
you, who altogether could fit in a child’s classroom.
Pick: Giants
Buffalo (+1) at Pittsburgh
This should be one of those miserable December defensive slugfests
that everyone hates but I love. Buffalo is still hanging in there, an improbable
success, and the Steelers are surviving in a world without all their familiar stars
on offense. But fuck all those guys because they have a new star in my man Devin
Bush, who is about to make life very shitty for Josh Allen. Still, the Bills
running game has been just good enough to survive and they don’t mind playing in
the cold since they play in Buffalo which gets all that gnarly lake effect
snow, which I get here too, and if you don’t know what that is it’s pretty self-explanatory.
Basically, the Great Lakes cause a shit ton of snow to fall on the lakeshore,
which is where I live and which is where Buffalo lives next to Lake Erie, one
of the shittier Great Lakes, but we won’t hold that against them and to be honest
that’s mostly Ohio’s fault. That’s right, we have deep blood feuds here in the
Great Lakes States. Anyway, all of this gibberish means that the Bills are
equipped to not only survive but thrive in these types of games. The only problem
is, so is Devin Bush after Becoming A Man up here in Michigan, and I can’t pick
against my fellow Michigan Man here, I just can’t.
Pick: Pittsburgh
Jacksonville (+4.5) at Oakland
Pick: Oakland
Cleveland (+2.5) at Arizona
My dude Baker Mayfield has kind of recovered from that early
season shittering, which was probably my fault for getting my Failure Demons on
him and Dan, but now he and Dan both seem to be doing better lately so
hopefully this time me writing this won’t get them all fucked up again, Baker
savaged on TV before everyone and Dan laid up in the hospital yet again, a
victim of some mysterious malady that I am pretty sure involves the ass, but I’m
not a doctor, although I wish I was so I could raid the Oxy bins until I got
caught but what a great few weeks that would be and anyway what the fuck were
we talking about? Oh yeah, Dan has a prolapsed anus and Baker Mayfield and the
Browns aren’t so dead after all. This is actually a fun matchup because Baker
Mayfield and Kyler Murray were both Oklahoma quarterbacks bred in the same
system and I want to see them duel it out here with no pressure, just for the
fun of it, and maybe, just maybe, it will all make up for whatever horrible
things Dan was doing to his own asshole.
Pick: Cleveland
Atlanta (+11.5) at San Francisco
Atlanta has at least found some life in the second half of
the season. It’s not a very good life, one spent on the margins, making Poor
Choices one after another like a gambler let loose in some Vegas Valhalla until
it all comes crashing down on you and you end up with a broken tail bone and
you wake up in strange places that you didn’t remember going to in the first
place and I’m totally fine, you guys, I promise. Anyway, the Falcons seem to
have rediscovered some semblance of pride, at least on offense. But the 49ers
are rolling on offense like the Ravens are in the AFC and they just had a
ridiculous game against the Saints last week that ended up like 48-45 or
something like that and I just checked because I am a slave to certain OCDish tendencies
and okay it was 48 – 46, and anyway, they are not a team you want to be dueling
with at high noon right now. So, sorry for getting your hopes up Falcons fans,
Adrian, Fake Larry, Andy wherever the fuck you are, this one will go to the
49ers.
Pick: 49ers
LA Rams (+4) at Dallas
The end has pretty much come for Jason Garrett in Dallas,
right? I’ve never really understood Jerry Jones’ slavish devotion to Garrett in
the first place so I wouldn’t be surprised if he somehow survived yet
again. I mean, like I’ve already said,
one of those shitty NFC East teams is gonna come out of that division at 7-9
and then who knows what happens in the playoffs. Still, things aren’t looking
too good for the Cowboys these days, and now they have to play the Rams, who
maybe aren’t the Rams of last season but are still good enough to cause a panic
stampede sort of beatdown situation on a team that is coming off the rails like
the Cowboys who have lost three in a row and Jerry Jones is up there sucking on
his false teeth and doing blow off the fake titties of the Cowboy cheerleaders
and this could be a fiasco, some old boy might have a heart attack kind of thing
is what I’m talking, and good, I hope the whole goddamn lot of them goes out
ugly as fuck, naked and disgraced on national TV. But you and I both know that
I won’t get what I want, and in real life the bad guys always seem to fucking
slither their way out of trouble, and no one slithers like Jerry Jones and his
Cowboys and he’ll be goddamned if his Cowboys aren’t on primetime once the
playoffs come along, where they will lose like they always do because Jerry Jones
is a dumb old asshole, but still, he’s got enough power to drag them to that
spot year after fucking year.
Pick: Dallas
Minnesota (-3) at LA Chargers
I’ve written more than enough about my disdain for Kirk
Cousins and it sure was pretty shitty to watch him win against my Lions last
week. I really don’t have much else to say here other than fuck Kirk Cousins
and fuck the Lions for making me watch him play football. I’d love to say that
Philip Rivers could take care of things for me, but fuck him too because he’s a
jackass and a fuckup and I don’t want him helping me in any way. So I guess all
that’s left to do is reach for the ether and make some more Poor Choices as
Kirk Cousins gets away with it all.
Pick: Minnesota
Indianapolis (+9) at New Orleans
The Colts have lost three in a row and the Saints are fresh
off of the losing end of that wild game against the 49ers, and I suspect this
game will be a shootout too, but the Colts aren’t the 49ers and the Saints are
who they always are, so I expect them to win. But more than that, I’m always
happy when the people of New Orleans have something to cheer for because that
is a city of my heart, debauched and lurid, and I also always like it when the
people of Indiana are fucked over because Indiana is the secret shittiest state
of them all, just a hateful ignorant bunch of people, more Klansman there than
in Mississippi and everything ugly about America can be seen in their haunted
faces, those faces that tell the tale of decades of losing, of being the wretched
and useless. These are mean, angry people. Small people. Petty People. Fuck
them and their goddamn corn and soybeans. Fuck Mike Pence, who is as Indiana as
it gets. Fuck Bobby Knight, that rotten old asshole. Fuck Larry Bird. Fuck
Hoosiers. Fuck Notre Dame. Yeah, they’re in Indiana too, they’re just too
embarrassed to remind people of that. Fuck all of them. Indiana is the heart of
MAGA America. It is the last hellhole before actual hell, and the people in
hell are better people than the people of Indiana. Fuck it all.
Pick: New Orleans
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