Last week’s Gambling With Sanity was truncated due to a
combination of Poor Choices and the NFL scheduling games on Saturday, which
they do every year but I somehow forgot about that shit and let’s not dwell on
the past, I don’t even want to look at last week’s results, and let’s jump into
the now with this, the last weekend of NFL football regular season style. I’ll
probably do something for the playoffs, I have a few ideas, but this is the
last Gambling With Sanity of the year 2019 and I will see you all next year and
also in hell.
Tennessee (-3.5) at Houston
Tennessee needs this one if they have any hope of getting
into the playoffs, and the Texans have won the division and are missing JJ Watt
again because Time comes for us all, and so it’s pretty easy to see Tennessee
getting this one. But you can never be too sure, especially when you have
Failure Demons lurking around like the Titans do as they have never made it all
the way, coming literally inches away from winning a Super Bowl and riding Steve
McNair all those years until he up and fucked off the planet forever, and now
here they are trying to get behind Ryan Tannehill instead of Marcus Mariota and
this is their last chance to sneak into this thing before having to make a go
of it again next year behind who knows at quarterback. Houston just doesn’t
want anyone else getting hurt as they hunker down for the playoffs, and so Ryan
Tannehill just doesn’t have to make a mess of himself for the Titans to win and
at least have a shot at that last Wild Card spot depending on what happens with
the Steelers. Can they manage to do just that? Hopefully, or else what is even
the point of having a football team?
Pick: Tennessee
Cleveland (-2.5) at Cincinnati
I probably cursed the Browns by offering them my dick while
my loveless bride, the Lions, lays in bed all goddamn day, and if that’s the
case, I apologize because Baker Mayfield doesn’t need my Failure Demons
following him around, and neither does Dan. But both Baker Mayfield and Dan are
stuck with me and I’m sure we can all together at least beat the shit out of
the pathetic Bengals, who were a team originally founded by Paul Brown, the
same dude who founded the OG Browns who are now in Baltimore, and it really is
an incestuous fucked up family in the AFC North. But the second family is
always weaker than the first, which has its problems due to Daddy walking out
on them, but remains strong together as the original unit and not the painted
over façade of the new family with its step-children and brittle forced bonds
of “love” that are no match for the real thing. Yes, I’m speaking from my own
personal life experience here, but also with the knowledge that the Bengals
will forever be that second family, and the Browns will always be able to come
together and beat them senseless even if they fuck up most of the time and make
Poor Choices like getting involved with me and Dan.
Pick: Cleveland
Chicago (+1.5) at Minnesota
I was happy to see the devil beat Kirk Cousins last week,
and now I have to get behind the Bears, who are my hated team of youth, in the hopes
that they too can humiliate Kirk Cousins who is the worst of all things as I
have documented over and over and over again here. This is ugly business having
to support your enemies to defeat an even uglier enemy, but that is life in the
NFC North and life as a Lions fan, where we are clinging to a loveless marriage
and rooting for the goddamn devil and now these Bears just to spite a shithead
like Kirk Cousins. This is so goddamn dark I don’t even know what to do. The
good news is that Captain Shithead will get humiliated in the first round of
the playoffs and I won’t even have to get behind one of my other enemies,
unless of course you consider Drew Brees an enemy, which he is, but I won’t let
him drag the rest of New Orleans down with him and they are most definitely my
people, so let’s hope they get to be the ones who humiliate Kirk Cousins one
more time. As for this week’s game? I don’t know, man. A lot of “let’s not get
our dudes hurt” will probably be coming from the Vikings while the Bears have
to find a way to pretend that Mitch Trubisky can be their dude going forward.
Will that be done against a half assing it Vikings team? Fuck if I know, which
is why this week’s games are especially hard to work out. I suspect the Vikings
will want to close out the regular season with a win and as much as I hate to
say it, Kirk Cousins probably wins this goddamn game.
Pick: Minnesota
Indianapolis (-3.5) at Jacksonville
Pick: No Love for the Bizkit
Atlanta (+1) at Tampa Bay
This will likely be an aerial war show, sloppily played by
two shitbird teams going nowhere. The Falcons seem doomed to die over and over
and over again in the shadow of their Super Bowl collapse against Tom Brady and
the Patriots while the Bucs flail along game by game behind the erratic crab
leg thief Jameis Winston who also might have raped a girl back in the day.
There is a lot of bad energy in this game, an ugly thing for the dirty south to
deal with in the ways which they do which are sometimes pretty ugly, especially
if we start to bring race into the equation, which we have here with Jameis
Winston who is fighting for his life both metaphorically and literally in the
face of this ugly southern aggression. The Falcons are a doomed team it seems,
and I don’t know how they get out from underneath that shadow of that Super
Bowl Gone Way Wrong, but if it starts anywhere, it might as well start by
dragging Crab Legs down, but I won’t count his ass out just yet as he survives
to live another day in the heat of the dirty south.
Pick: Tampa Bay
Washington (+11) at Dallas
The Cowboys have to smash the Redacteds to have any chance
at winning their shitty division, and I think they probably will do it here. If
they can’t beat the shitty Redacteds at home in the last week of the season
with everything on the line then they deserve to be blown up and swept away
into the dustbin of history, which I think they should be anyway on account of
being the shittiest kind of team on this here earth, pandering to the Military
Industrial Complex and Big Oil and everything shitty and rotten about America
which is why they are America’s team, a traveling circus monument to our
grotesqueries and petty meanness dressed up in garish uniform. This is America’s
team at its ugliest, shittiest, meanest, hillbilly conman worst and I wish
nothing but the worst for them and all of their terrible fans.
Pick: Dallas
New Orleans (-13) at Carolina
The Saints are still fighting for the top spot in the NFC playoff
picture so they won’t be lazing about against Carolina who are a shattered
franchise, clinging to Christian McCaffrey the way Lions fans used to do with
Barry Sanders back in the day. But it doesn’t look good for the Panthers as the
Saints blow through like a hurricane of offense. I don’t want to cheer for Drew
Brees, who is a torture advocate, but I will always back my New Orleans
hooligans like Heinie, who just want to live big and have fun. So WAR SAINTS
and WAR HEINIE.
Pick: New Orleans
Philadelphia (-4) at NY Giants
Fuck it, let’s just gaze at Tosh making some Poor Choices.
Pick: Philadelphia
Pittsburgh (-2) at Baltimore
Man, this is why I hate the last week of the season. This
should be an all out Hate War, but it won’t be because the Ravens have already
clinched the top spot in the AFC and won’t want Lamar Jackson to get hurt by my
man Devin Bush. The Steelers, of course, need to win here if they have any hope
of jumping Tennessee for that last wild card spot, which all points to a
Steelers runaway here, which is bullshit because the Ravens should be men and
want to crush their rival instead of protecting themselves and their brains
from unnecessary punishment. I mean, I get it, but it makes for a sham of a
football game and I think everyone involved should just fuck off if they play
it this way which they will.
Pick: Pittsburgh
NY Jets (+1.5) at Buffalo
The Bills are locked in to that first wild card spot in the
AFC so again this is one of those games that make the last week of the season
so shitty where no one will try too hard and everyone stays safe and healthy.
Still, the Jets are fucking awful and the Bills might just win anyway, but I
don’t have to devote more time and thought than I already have to this game so
fuck it.
Pick: Buffalo
Miami (+15.5) At New England
The Patriots will beat down the Dolphins because they want
to stay ahead of the Chiefs for home field reasons so it is only a matter of
how many brown people are broken beneath the wheel of the Brady/Gisele machine
this week. They are both rapidly aging into those years which are notoriously
hard on people in both their professions although I imagine Gisele has pretty
much hung up the catwalking already. But Tom Brady has not hung up his own
catwalking as the quarterback for the New England Patriots who are trying to
squeeze yet another year out of this dynasty in its twilight, and they probably
will and next year too. Hopefully, no babies get fumbled in the Turbo household,
and hopefully, Brady and the Patriots just quietly put the Dolphins to sleep like
they do with their exotic drugs on their Filipina massage therapists before
they send gerbils in to clean out the caverns after they make a mess in them.
Pick: New England
LA Chargers (+9) at Kansas City
The Chiefs still want to put the heat to the Patriots asses
in regards to who will play where when the real playoff fun gets going and the
lowly Chargers are just in the way. It is somewhat surprising that the Chargers
are so lowly this year. There is no real reason for their shitty season other
than the erratic whimsy of the Failure Demons attached to Phillip Rivers. His
18 interceptions speak to the bad Rivers that has always followed him around,
never letting him ascend to true greatness. He will always be in that second tier
of quarterbacks who could never get over the top, which is where my man Matthew
Stafford will probably find himself too. But Pat Mahomes has already jumped
both of those dudes, winning an MVP and who knows what else in the future. This
is a sad end for Philip Rivers and just another notch in the belt for Mahomes,
which is just how it is out on these streets. The young and the quick survive,
while the old and damaged can’t get that pistol up in time. Just the way that it
goes.
Pick: Kansas City
Arizona (+4.5) at LA Rams
The Rams are out of it and the Cardinals were never in it so
this could be a dispiriting affair. But more importantly, have they gotten a
handle on those wildfires in California yet? I just did some research and it
seems like they are still battling that shit, the most recent being out Santa
Barbara way, and the power company is paying out billions to victims of the
wildfires because the power company caused it I guess and the whole thing is
just a big fucking mess and is why I never want to live in California which
sucks because that is a state that has everything else going for it. But,
because we’ve fucked up the planet too much, California is going to be the edge
of the Nightmare when it comes, whether it is earthquaking shit or wild fires
or droughts or evil winds or Godzilla like monsters. I just hope that the
beautiful people we all jack off to manage to survive so we can continue to
jack off to them.
Pick: LA Rams
San Francisco (-3.5) at Seattle
Oh man, this is the big war of the last weekend of the
season, with division titles on the line and homefield advantage in the
playoffs. The Seahawks already got the 49ers this season and now they get them
at home to close it out and I’m excited for this one. The 49ers three headed
running game and Jimmy G at quarterback along with a good defense has them
looking like one of the prime contenders this year, but the Seahawks always
seem to have the 49ers number. It’s just always been that way during this Pete
Carroll run. Russell Wilson is the best player on the field here, and the
Seahawks running game can hang with the 49ers. The Seahawks defense is pretty
shitty this year, but again, they just always seem to have the 49ers number and
they are at home and Seattle is one of the toughest places for teams to come in
and play and yes I am actually doing football analysis here., it happens sometimes.
I think I’m gonna go with Seattle here, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the
49ers finally broke through here either. I’m sorry I can’t give you anything
more definitive. I’m sorry for everything, okay!?!?!?!?
Pick: Seattle
Oakland (+3.5) at Denver
Oakland still has a shot at that last wild card spot, but
fuck them for everything they’ve done to disgrace the memory of Kenny Stabler
and the boys. I hope the Broncos fuck them up here, not because I like John Elway’s
crew or anything but because I despise what the Raiders have become under the
leadership of Mark Davis and Jon Gruden, who are dragging this team to hell in
the Vegas desert where they will end up getting their players hooked on blow and
Poor Choices and desert graves. I mean, seriously, why would you willingly
expose these volatile athletes to the Joe Pesci’s of the world? This is going
to be a hideous train wreck of wasted human energy. But before then, they still
have to deal with business here in the present, and I don’t want these assholes
to make the playoffs. They don’t deserve it, not after what they have done to
my boy Harpo, who was the dude who invited me to Armchair Linebacker in the
first place and has always been my right hand man, the first of all of our
collective to see something in me and champion my presence into what I have
become over these years. The Raiders have fucked that man over and for that I
wish them a hideous and terrible end in the Rocky Mountains on this last
weekend of NFL football and this fucked up decade.
Pick: Denver
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