Under the Sea

 

The Dolphins were supposed to be contenders this season, rumbling with the Bills (who inexplicably lost to the fucking Jaguars, which I will have more on later, probably, I mean, who knows with me?) for the AFC East, but they have been mostly a disaster, mirroring the real world in which they live, beat up by hurricanes and an ever rising tide that will one day swallow them up and leave them building kingdoms under the sea like the Little Fucking Mermaid, only this mermaid has been tricked out and thrown away by her father who had no choice after he made some, uh, Poor Choices in the cocaine game.

 

Putting all their chips in behind Tua at QB turned out to be a wretched mistake, because this isn’t Alabama, and the NFL dudes are all Alabama dudes if you catch my drift and so Tua is just another guy, another mistake, another poor investment, a Poor Choice, by these Miami cokeheads who just want to do something, anything really, to get Don Shula and his geriatric gang to shut the fuck up about things that happened when fucking Nixon was in the White House and people were jumping helicopters in Saigon instead of building boats after digging holes in the desert and fucking the Little Mermaid and Jesus Christ, I have been overwhelmed and overrun by my own metaphors.

 

Okay, to start again, the point is that the Dolphins have fucked up, again. It’s just what they do down there in between tanning themselves and snorting enough blow to make them think that it’s 1982 and all you gotta do to get by in this town is buy an albino tiger to eat the bad raft people while you pluck and fuck the lucky from the flotilla. Fucking up is just part of the Miami charm, and the Dolphins aren’t gonna shy away from that after this latest Tua fiasco because they are gonna try to package it all up and swap it for Deshaun Watson who is just salivating to rape the Little Mermaid.

 

I mean, shit, there’s being who you are and then there is *leaning* into being who you are, and that’s what the Dolphins look like they’re about to do. Of course, tonight, Tua isn’t playing because of injuries or Failure Demons or a combination of all of the above, and the whole thing is meaningless until they make their move and start doing blow at 200mph with Michael Irvin at the wheel of a Lamborghini that will be found caked with cocaine that he was going to try to drive across the water to Cuba.

 

It is a chaotic scene and the people are just waiting for the big wave to come and end it all.

 

On the other side, you have Baltimore riding in, looking to desolate and ruin a town as they are known to do, but they might just get caught up in the local scene and fumble away their victory as they are also known to do. They are a confusing team to follow because they play like world beaters and then like the meek and the scum of the Earth in rotating weeks and I am not unfamiliar with that given that my Michigan Wolverines are the same deal with Jim Harbaugh running things and the Ravens have John Harbaugh calling the shots. It’s really one big, weird organization and family that bucks current trends and ways of doing things and seeks to ruin you through a combination of a brute force running game and a smothering, murderous defense that sometimes gets caught with their pants down, maybe doing too much blow with the Little Mermaid before her handlers storm in to fuck everyone up.

 

But the Ravens are certainly in a better place than these wretched Dolphins, and as long as Lamar Jackson is doing good Lamar Jackson things and the boys aren’t getting all distracted by the Little Mermaid and all her cocaine, the Ravens should steamroll these chumps. But things don’t always go the way they are supposed to, especially when it comes to the Ravens.

 

I don’t know why they do this, why they keep destroying teams and then setting themselves on fire, but fuck, it almost feels like it is in the Harbaugh DNA, just a weird, probably autistic world beating monster that shits itself and starts rocking back and forth and calling for mother as a team of orderlies sticks a stick in its mouth and starts whipping it with towels wrapped around telephone books. It’s a terrible thing, an inexplicable thing, and you never know when it is gonna happen. All you know is that, ultimately, you can’t trust it.

 

And that’s really the meat on the bone. You can’t trust the Baltimore Ravens or the Harbaughs even though you know most of the time they are gonna be ass kickers. There is just no fixing their meltdowns and outbursts, much like myself if we’re being honest.

 

Still, I would rather be me, and I would rather roll with the Ravens and the Harbaughs than to start boating with Deshaun Watson or whatever fucked up coked out crew Miami is about to roll with even if the Little Mermaid has some nice titties. The problem is that she is also part fish and so she doesn’t have any ass, and you can’t trust a woman with no ass, and so why would you trust the Miami Dolphins? You wouldn’t, and so I guess you can’t trust anyone in this game, but trust yourself and hope that Harbaugh has taken the right meds and that the Ravens will drown this team under the sea and fuck whatever mermaids are there to be fucked.