Obviously, Gambling With Sanity has been a fucking fiasco, which is all on me, trying to burn candles at both ends and maybe accidentally set the house on fire, and so here I am trying to get this postgame version out, and then turn around, do a write up on the Thursday game and hopefully get Gambling With Sanity in its proper time and space, which is the thing, really, Gambling With Sanity and myself do not really fit in any time or space, so we try to make our own, hopefully we don’t get caught up in the neighbor astral projecting to fuck the other neighbor, and then we’re all just spirits fucking around on each other and goddammit, even the afterlife is a fucking hassle. Anyway, let’s talk about some football? Allegedly?
Dallas 43 Atlanta 3
I don’t like it, but it’s pretty clear that Jerry’s boys are gonna take the NFC East and probably get homefield advantage in the playoffs, and if you are a Lions fan, you know what kind of quackery gets afoot in Dallas, Texas where the refs are but mere minions, slaves really, to the pimp stick of Jerry Jones. And he will wave that fucking stick around as long as he can, probably try to get some of the cheerleaders caught up in his web of sick debauchery, but the thing is, is that eventually, this will all collapse because Jerry Jones thinks he’s a football coach and whatever carbuncle taint he scrapes up to coach the team is really just a puppet with Jerry’s hand up their ass.
This is what lead to the Cowboys always fucking up and fucking off when the playoffs come around. Back in the day, he hired his friends from college, first Jimmy Johnson and then Barry Switzer (and legit, they were all on the same team at Arkansas which must have been a fucking zoo) and he tried to coach through them, but they knew how to handle their rich kid friend, you know the one who isn’t any good at anything but his daddy makes sure all the boys are happy, buying friends, nobody fucking likes him for himself because he is a piece of shit, and Jimmy and Barry managed to get shit done while pretending that Jerry had a hand in things. It’s just how it goes in those kind of relationships. No one likes him, but he has all the money and toys and so everyone just lets him hang around, basically using him as an ATM, pulling $300 a time outside the strip clubs.
But Jimmy and Barry won and had enough of this fucker, they took what they could from him and got the fuck out of town. So Jerry Jones is this asshole rich kid/man and all his “friends” have ditched him because there is only so much you can take from a goober like this. So, that leaves Jerry all alone, trying to play rich kid/man, only with his employees, which is a bad look, and is why Michael Irvin and whoever the fuck lineman who got caught with mountains of drugs and Jerry probably had to deep six a stripper or two or three, just wanting to be one of the guys, but everyone hates his corny ass.
And now he’s all alone with all his bullshit money, and he is still the town jackass who no one likes, and he knows it, deep down he knows who he is, what he is, and so he overcompensates, pretends to have a big dick even though it’s really just a gnarled old snail that collapses into dust whenever he tries to use it, and so he has to boss more minions around, get louder and louder and finally, just ordering everything the way he wants it, pays for all the best toys and players, but then it gets time to winning, to making the smart moves that separate the pretenders from the contenders, and this old hick motherfucker is too stupid to know that he doesn’t know a goddamn thing, and then the Cowboys lose in the first round and everyone wonders how it all fell apart. WELL HERE YOU GO.
The Falcons, of course, are terminal and someone needs to mummify Matt Ryan for future scholars to pluck at.
Tennessee 23 New Orleans 21
It’s pretty clear that the Titans are the big dicks in the AFC South, wretched shit division that it is, but they might also be contending for the real prize. I mean, they didn’t even have Derrick Henry in this game, and they still went out and sat on the Saints who aren’t exactly a peewee team themselves. Then again, the Saints were down to Trevor Siemian at Quarterback, and this is just maybe one of those ugly games of attrition late in the season when half your warriors are going to Valhalla and you just try to make due with what you’ve got. And that’s what the Titans seem to be doing.
New Orleans, on the other hand, is turning over grave sites, which are all above ground down there, and pulling some jankety ass skeleton to play quarterback for them, and I mean, at least the skeleton probably won’t rape anyone, which is a step in the right direction from Jameis Winston shoving stolen crabs up the cooters of whatever Girls Gone Wild Mardi Gras ladies he can get his hands on.
But skeletons won’t win you games either, so fuck it, ask the witches in the French Quarter to make this shit work.
Indianpolis 23 Jacksonville 17
The Colts did what they had to do to keep Urban Meyer and his gang of reprobates down in the shit, and for that, we have to thank them. The Colts aren’t really doing anything with Carson Wentz, and they’ll probably end up 8-9 or 9-8 and goddamn the NFL for fucking with the schedule and creating odd looking records like that. The Colts are just there, the bridesmaids in the AFC South to the Titans in case someone in Tennessee goes wild and fucks their cousin or something, which is obviously a thing that could happen, in which case the Colts would luck (sorry no Andrew Luck) into a spot to get spit roasted by whoever the fuck finally gets their shit together in the AFC.
I guess maybe that’s telling, that I can’t come up with a team to soundly whip them, and the AFC might be in some real trouble, and could very well have a 9-8 Colts team stumbling ass backwards into a Super Bowl where they would probably be flayed by a cruel Tom Brady.
We’ve been through the shitshow that is Jacksonville, which just gets darker and weirder. Tony Khan, the boy billionaire who once posted on the same message boards as us which is pretty fucking wild, is clearly on some sort of super coked up wild times aesthetic which will either end up with him in rehab or trolling the swamps with Urban Meyer at 3AM to see if they can dump the hooker’s bodies after Urban hooked Tony up with some fucking wild designer drug (made in the college labs where he did his most vile work) and Tony thinks he’s a literal fucking dragon, hissing and spitting all over the corpses of these whores Urban ordered online through his wife, who just hopes he works some of that excess energy off before he comes slithering in their bedroom window just before the crack of dawn.
It's a bad scene and it will remain a bad scene.
New England 45 Cleveland 7
Oh noooooooooooooooooooooooo. Things have kind of unraveled on our poor Browns. Baker Mayfield needs surgery and is just trying to tough it out, but he should probably just say fuck it and get the work done on him and then get some Oxy, and maybe he reads this and sends some Oxy to me, his muse, because surely Baker Mayfield would not become an Oxy fiend. We’ll have to take that excess Oxy from him for his own protection. Anyway, Baker and ODB decided they hated each other and needed a divorce, and Odell is a known asshole, and the Browns kicked him to the curb before he could poison the locker room, but it all just feels like it’s falling apart for Cleveland, doesn’t it? I mean, it was bound to happen after I threw my fandom behind them along with Dan, and we just poisoned the FUCK out of these dudes. Sorry, man.
Shittily enough, Little Bill managed to take advantage of this and has the Patriots knocking at the door of playoff contention. But they are just a 6-4 team, not the illuminati Patriots of yore. They are just an ordinary team trying to get by, Little Bill taking on more work so he can avoid coming home to find his wife fucking, well, anyone but him.
He has made the Patriots a family team, bringing in his idiot children to coach underneath him, allowing them to live the harrowing lifestyle of dear old dad with endless film studies and fast food bags all over the fucking place, Matt Patricia eating all the Wendy’s and raping all the Wendy’s in the office next door. Little Bill points to Patricia and tells his children that Patricia is more of a son to him then any of them, and he recommends they start eating shit and raping the motel maids.
Buffalo 45 NY Jets 17
Every team has weird shit happen, but the AFC is a weekly surprise box which explodes in an ocean of poop, and no one knows who is really in this thing for the long haul. The Bills are gonna win the AFC East, but there is all that weird shit happening… I mean, the Bills lost to the fucking Jags and Urban Meyer somehow, and I don’t think a Super Bowl team can have that kind of shit on their portfolio.
Still, the Bills blew the fuck out of the Jets, who are terminally shitty, just waiting to rebuild again next year, which is their entire fucking identity. Do you think OJ would have stabbed Joe Namath if Namath was fucking Nicole? I mean, he’ll stab a waiter, but maybe there is comradery in the sexual deviant athlete world. Maybe OJ would start charging and see Joe, and then they would just laugh and laugh and probably double team Nicole. Makes you think.
Detroit 16 Pittsburgh 16
Listen, I don’t have the emotional energy to buck up these guys, and this was probably the worst game in NFL history. No Ben for the Steelers, he had to get his rape game adjusted, and Dan Campbell basically said fuck this, I have no quarterback and yanked the reins of the offense, which led to this fucking classic, which was akin to Jesus’ walk through the streets, just getting whipped and stabbed, Jared Goff’s penis literally fell off and no one could salvage this fucking ruin.
I mean, it’s the Lions, but shit, even a backup QB for the Steelers should be able to get over on them, but no, it was just wretched excrement and I don’t want to talk about it anymore.
Washington 29 Tampa Bay 19
A somewhat shocking result. Brady even threw two interceptions. I mean, maybe it is all part of a deeper plan. Brady is obviously hooked up to some crazy shit, with Uncle Klaus making sure his niece, Gisele, and her golden boy husband get all the advantages they can get. But the one thing that even Brady and Uncle Klaus can’t lean on is Washington DC and the clout they have. I mean, for as psychotic and unethical Brady and Klaus are, it pales in comparison to the monstrosity which is the United States government. It’s probably as simple as that. Even Tom Brady has to bend the knee to Uncle Sam, who is in a long running blood feud with Uncle Klaus, but that fucker is gonna make another swing at this again, mark my words. Berlin is on fire with savage race wars, and at some point the Old Firm is gonna pop back up and Tom Brady is gonna have to make some decisions regarding Uncle Klaus. I mean, we just have to wait and see.
Carolina 34 Arizona 10
HOW DARE THEY!!! Taking my Kyler Murray off the field and running in some fucking goon… this was doomed from the start and I can’t believe they let this happen. I mean, Arizona is RIGHT THERE, but now Kyler is hurt and everything is fucked and I’m gonna end up losing my fantasy team to jackals like Al and Brian. I DON’T NEED THIS!!!
Of course, everyone is excited to see Cam Newton return to Carolina, and really, they never should have parted. But that does make things weird with Sam Darnold, right? I mean the ex-wife is moving back in and you can’t have two wives unless you’re in some weird Mormon shit, which the McCaffrey’s might be I don’t know, but the point is that there’s only one dick and two pussies and at some point one of them pussies is gonna get bored or offended and that’s a whole new bag of shit to deal with. I guess I respect Carolina for trying to have all the fucks, but these things usually go bad and then you have Cam Newton or Sam Darnold running down the street in their underwear at 4AM.
Minnesota 27 LA Chargers 20
Goddammit, Chargers!!! You had one job to do, but no, now Kirk Cousins is walking proud like he’s a grown up and it makes me sick. There is a local commercial that plays during the games that features Kirk Cousins and his family, and his wife has the most ridiculous Michigan accent, it is almost a parody. I couldn’t fucking believe it.
But yes, that is my misery, I have to live in a world in which Kirk Cousins is the LOCAL HERO. I mean, fuck everything, how did it come to this?
Philadelphia 30 Denver 13
The biggest takeaway for this game other than Tosh probably doing lines every time the Eagles scored is that Denver’s supposedly rock solid defense just got tore up by the Philly running game which isn’t even really a thing, so what the fuck was this? I don’t know, but what I do know is that even though the Broncos are scraping along with Teddy Bridgewater, they have to feel relieved that they didn’t get soaked in the Aaron Rodgers debacle. Winning is great, but not with assholes like that.
Neither of these teams are going anywhere so let’s not waste my genius on them.
Green Bay 17 Seattle 0
I have already excoriated Aaron Rodgers, and The Devil has renounced his sponsorship of this jackass so I don’t want to just pave the road I already brought us down. But it is remarkable that this methed out looking piece of shit somehow managed to get free of the COVID after only a week off. I mean, shit, we have people wasting away in their attics because they are quarantining for two or three weeks and this jackoff is just rushing back to play ball like nothing happened. Something isn’t right. This motherfucker is probably stroking Joe Rogan’s dick while Rogan pisses for Rodger’s test. I mean, I don’t know how it works. Fuck off.
Russell Wilson also returned to duty and laid a big fat zero, which has to be disconcerting given that Russell is basically the Seahawks. Just one and the same, but if he’s breaking down, it means Seattle is just gonna be a pushover wimp for a while. But shit, Russell’s won a Super Bowl, and he can just fade out as Ciara rides his face and it’s all good.
Kansas City 41 Las Vegas 14
Just an ass whippin’ in the desert, which is some come to Jesus shit for these lowly Raiders. The Chiefs used it as an opportunity to get their shit together and I wrote so much about the asshole Raiders already and I just don’t want to fucking write about them anymore.
San Francisco 31 LA Rams 10
*sound of a needle scratching*
Well shit, Matthew Stafford got GOT on a national stage, and it is kinda fucked up how many people, Lions fans especially, tried to drink his blood. Just a nasty business, old hates, old wounds, and my god, that is the essence of Lions Disease and maybe it just gets carried around like the clap or like whoever fucked the monkey and got AIDS.
Stafford has been almost MVP’ing it this season, which is nice, but it is almost too nice, you know? At some point, we all have to be reminded of his flaws. There is a reason he never got over the hump here in Detroit even when he had the best wide receiver maybe in NFL history to throw to.
But maybe that’s unfair. He’s linked up with Cooper Kupp and he is still someone you’d trust in a gunfight, right? But sometimes the gun hand gets shaky or the gun backfires or shit, Matthew, that isn’t a gun it’s a fucking toy scraped off the street. Is Stafford the Real Deal? It’s amazing that this question is still being asked over a decade into his career. It is put up or shut up time for him, and if it all goes to shit, well… that’s just a haunting terror that will reverberate back around here in Detroit. But if he makes it, and gets all the good shit, he will have earned himself a reprieve from the Failure Demons and we’ll feel good for him and bad for ourselves. But that’s just how it goes in this crazy world we’ve made.
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