Obviously, Gambling With Sanity has become a fucking fiasco with me not able to meet the deadlines I set for myself, it just all gets tumbled together in a giant blur of craziness and every time I hit post and heave a sigh of feelings purged it’s time to do another one and I might as well just start doing cocaine (start?) and typing with bloody fingers, exposed to the bone and then I’m just a fucking skeleton whispering in your ear, trying to find a new host for my consciousness so I can nurture our shared humanity even if I end up not being human. After all, when I was in a drug frenzy, it was revealed to me that I am the current incarnation of the Hindu God Krishna. I had never even heard of Krishna, and then suddenly there he/I is. The point being that we are all just wild balls of energy and hopefully my energy ball manages to transcend the cycle as we discover truths together through the medium of NFL football of all fucking things.

 

 

New England 25 Atlanta 0

 

Goddamn, the South hasn’t been burned this bad since General Sherman marched across the land, and fittingly, I guess, it is the Patriots who are setting these fields afire. But like the Civil War, the northern generals aren’t all that great, Little Bill leaned hard on his Chief of Staff Brady for so many years, and now here he is trying to go it alone with mixed results.

 

He has a new Chief of Staff named Mac Jones, but he is fresh out of the academy and even though he managed to hold things tight in the war games they run down there, it isn’t the same as being called upon to make an aggressive counter assault with real live fire going on. But the fresh faced kid did okay, Little Bill is still alive, and Atlanta, my god, poor damn Atlanta, is burning burning burning, paying for the sins of the horrible people who championed slavery, which is a very real and direct thing for many of these NFL players, almost groomed like war dogs, a terrible thing, that slave culture repurposed for the horse racing and we’re all complicit in it.

 

 

Indianapolis 41 Buffalo 15

 

What in the hell is going on in the AFC? No one wants to step up and own this conference this year. The Bills getting rundown by Jonathan Taylor like running backs are suddenly en vogue again, and the Bills didn’t have any answers. It’s just a mess of a soup.

 

For Indianapolis, it is something to build on, maybe not overtake the Titans, but put themselves in a playoff position. But then they get there and it’s Carson Wentz and this shit isn’t gonna fly, they might as well abduct that horrible piece of shit Arch Manning from his family’s fucked up lab and try to remember something better for the people of Indiana than getting their cousin pregnant at the pig dance.

 

Buffalo seems confused. They get taken like alien abductees every so often and then they return home and roll on like nothing ever happened. But it did, and at a certain point, you have to wonder what the fuck goes on in those snowed in football offices to allow this shit to keep happening. Are they in debt to a primal spirit that demands a sacrifice every now and then? Is fucking Bigfoot blackmailing this team after what went down with Jim Kelly getting tangled up with that woods witch, who is slowly eating him like a bug trapped in a spider’s nest? I can’t say for sure, but something’s not quite right here.

 

 

Baltimore 16 Chicago 13

 

The Ravens managed to do in the Bears without Lamar Jackson who is, like, their entire offense. So how fucking bad must the Bears be to lose to a team quarterbacked by whatever key was left over from the key party that nobody wanted?

 

It’s already come out that Matt Nagy is going to get the French head chopping party after the Thanksgiving game against my lowly Lions. Just a dead man walking. And yet, they are still aspirational for Lions fans. Jesus Christ.

 

Baltimore is another of those AFC teams that you just can’t trust, but you can at least trust them to beat back a shitty Bears team even with the Ravens entire offense sidelined. That’s how fucking bad Matt Nagy is. Also, why in the hell is he throwing Andy Dalton’s failed bones on the field instead of his luxury QB Justin Fields? I told you the Bears would fuck him, and the Ohio St. curse lingers like a terrible fart. Say one thing for my poor put upon Michigan Wolverines as they are likely to get skull fucked yet again this very weekend, but we’re putting out Tom fucking Brady and Ohio St. is putting out dudes who end up in prison because of some credit card fraud. You can win in the bought and paid for college football corruption machine, but when the shit gets real, we’re conquering the world while you are shitting in coolers because the people of Ohio don’t even understand basic sewage situations.

 

 

Cleveland Browns 13 Detroit 10

 

Oh god, more to spew later, obviously, but as much as I love Dan Campbell’s Spirit Warrior Heart, he also seems to be a complete fucking idiot which is not what you want in your head coach, making decisions that literal children playing video games are better at.

 

This might be a George and Lenny situation, and poor Lenny Small over here might need to be put down before he breaks too many necks. But what comes after that? Who the fuck knows as we scream into the howling void and prepare our souls for the bardo.

 

The Browns have fallen apart, Baker Mayfield needs surgery and he couldn’t get along with that asshole Odell and it might be smart to just fall back, set up a triage, get the boys healthy and rolling for next year instead of throwing them into the meat grinder and potentially ruining them all. To be honest, I blame us. Yes, us. Dan threw his name behind the Browns and because I can’t let people have nice things, I threw my considerable Failure Demon drenched misery into the ring as a fun team to root for while the Lions do all the motherfucking Lions things, and I brought that curse onto this Browns team. It’s spreading like the clap, or like whoever fucked that monkey and got AIDS thrown into the mix. Look man, I just wanted a fun team to root for, no one told me Dan fucked a monkey.

 

 

Houston 22 Tennessee 13

 

What the fuck? See what I mean about the AFC this year? You can’t trust any of these assholes. Of course, it doesn’t help when Ryan Tannehill is throwing four fucking interceptions. It doesn’t seem like Houston won this game more than Tennessee lost it. And that’s what they keep fucking down all up and down the AFC standings. I mean, the fucking Colts could stumble ass backwards into the Super Bowl at this rate.

 

Houston, of course remains a wasteland of the human condition, and it’s no accident that the very best episode of True Detective, the one with Rust just trying to get the fuck out of the ghetto before it all burns down in a harrowing nightmare, took place in Houston. That is a city and people primed to go feral when the next hurricane hits and they are gonna hit hard thanks to everyone needing to shoot gas into the sky.

 

But the hicks in Tennessee don’t give a fuck, all nestled into their Smoky Mountains, living the Appalachian life that their grandfathers stole from the natives, and they are a mean and stupid people, and should probably not be allowed to take more than ten steps from their hovel with a Black man’s head mounted on the wall like a fucking deer head. These are Andrew Jackson’s people, and Andrew Jackson was, of course, a stunningly huge piece of shit person. This is the America your parents warned you about.

 

 

Minnesota 34 Green Bay 31

 

House of fucking horrors over here. Somehow, Aaron Rodgers (the devil has renounced his sponsorship of this jackass) managed to get the COVID and get back on the field a week later while your auntie and uncle are locked in the attic quarantined until the monster is gone or a squirrel gets up on grandma and eats her out for the holidays, leaving just a carcass and uncle in a cage being taunted by bats. That’s what’s going on in America right now and this asshole gets a deluxe care package back to the happy world. It’s a fucking outrage is what it is.

 

But Aaron Rodgers had to be one upped by Kirk Cousins, that disgusting megachurch piece of shit, who won’t lead your team anywhere, but who will con you into delivering your life’s savings on the off chance he is the savior, much like his fucking megachurch. He gets to come home a plumped up hero, maybe trades old stories with his neighbor Erik Prince of Blackwater infamy, lots of non white people tossed around between the two of them, and maybe Erik gets his sister, Betsy DeVos on the line so she can share her favorite brown person cancellation, and while Betsy is laughing it up, she has this hilarious story to tell and so she ropes in her besty, Donald fucking Trump to laugh it up at all the ways these horrible people have ruined lives. That is the company Kirk Cousins keeps. Just an odious game all around.

 

 

Miami 24 NY Jets 17

 

Just a spiritually wretched game that someone had the audacity to win. Miami is all rolled out and exposed, either with Tua failing his way to the shithouse or trading for Deshaun Watson which would open Miami up to an unprecedented era of rape and cocaine, so they really have no way out here other than to crawl into the taint of Don Shula’s elongated old man balls and reminisce on things that happed 50 fucking years ago.

 

And the Jets, the forlorn fucking Jets just keep sticking their head in the guillotine even when it isn’t forced upon them. That’s all they know, head chopping death, their talisman a 78 year old horn dog who doesn’t even give a fuck about the team, he just wants to know where the player’s wives and girlfriends are while their dudes are busy getting brain damage for the love of a stupid ball.

Joe Namath is basically Ric Flair, which is a pandora’s box we don’t need to open right now. But it is safe to say that neither of these teams are worth even the tiniest of shits and should be avoided at all costs.

 

 

Philadelphia 40 New Orleans 29

 

Tosh’s boys got to eat at the expense of an identity-less Saints team. Jalen Hurts really didn’t do much in the passing game, but he ran the ball like a college quarterback, which is seeping up to the NFL now. Yes, the Eagles basically threw out the passing game and just ran the fucking ball on New Orleans, who countered with a dick named Trevor Siemian who is essentially just a scarecrow billowing in the wind.

 

New Orleans didn’t even get to run out Alvin Kamara, who is probably the team’s identity, and it is the time in the season where attrition weighs heavy and you get these geeks running out there playing NFL football only it feels like you’re watching the left overs picked from prison yards and pro wrestling.

 

It feels almost like a scam, especially to the good people of New Orleans who don’t deserve this shit. They literally came to you with their lives during Katrina and this is how you repay them, with low rent fraudsters who are just hoping to catch on when the USFL starts its shit up again. But fuck it, in the end, Tosh got to do a line of coke with Ben Franklin or whoever the fuck is running the game in Philly these days, and we should feel glad for him.

 

 

Washington 27 Carolina 21

 

Speaking of no names, the Washington whatever the fuck you wanna call them, keep trotting out this Taylor Heinicke geek and while they’re not winning, somehow they still were better than the fucking Panthers who were throwing a reunion party with Cam Newton coming back to play with his favorite McCaffrey.

 

Setting aside the fact that the Panthers still lost, what happens in a month when ol’ Sam Darnold comes back from the hospital to find his wife’s ex fucking her in the master bedroom? The Panthers surely can’t dick tease both Cam Newton and Sam Darnold, right? At some point I feel like Easy Ed McCaffrey pokes his head in and says he’s got not one, but two quarterbacks ready to go in the Rocky Mountain version of the Manning Boys. But it has to happen soon given the boys getting out of hand at Northern Colorado, where Easy Ed set up a little mini-empire. A few weeks back, I might be imagining this (you don’t want to explore the vistas in my mind) one of the sons actually got into a fight with the fans, which means that Christian needs to smile brighter and understand that he is taking on the entire McCaffrey lode. I just hope he doesn’t choke on it.

 

Washington, of course, can fuck off.

 

 

San Francisco 30 Jacksonville 10

 

What the fuck is going on with these rookie quarterbacks? I feel like they all were given the go ahead, to take the reins, but all over the league they seem to be getting stuffed back in the pocket of ass spasming coaches, too fucking scared to set the future on fire. And so they keep trotting out Jimmy G who has to know that he is essentially a dead man walking because at some point they will have to throw Trey Lance into the pool to see if he can swim. The things is, though, THEY ALREADY DID THAT, and yet somehow they pulled Lance out of the pool and told Jimmy G to go dive and find the maxi pad that one of the girls let slip.

 

Jacksonville, of course, is a fucking wasteland zoo. No one knows how many bodies are gonna turn up in the end, but they’re out there. Tony Khan is running high on coke and trying to get Urban to back his story that the stripper threw herself out of the car and Urban just stares at this nervous blow factory and tells him to relax, he has GUYS for this type of shit. Aaron Hernandez pops up in the back seat like the jackoffs in the Scream masks at the end of that movie and it’s time to hit the clubs.

 

 

Cincinnati 32 Las Vegas 13

 

Everyone should be happy to see the Raiders crumbling into the desert sands that they chose for themselves, like men digging their own graves. But the thing is that the Bengals won not because Joe Burrow got all the right cooter related shots, but because Joe Mixon ran them down. Yes, Joe Mixon, also known as a dude who beat the shit out of his girlfriend and was basically throwing hands at whatever delicate thing dared enter his fucking beast master world.

 

To sum up, this a dark and terrible league, these idiots are all bred on violence and fame, on a take what you want culture that sees whole cities left raped and burned, babies being thrown in dumpsters all so that these jackasses can get brain damaged before they leave their 40’s and then they are just sniveling evil peanut heads, lashing out at nurses, raping their own daughters because their senility leads them back to a time when they were raping their mothers or whoever had the tragic experience to meet an NFL football player, the grossest humans we have yet to make in a lab.

 

 

Kansas City 19 Dallas 9

 

This is kind of eye opening, because the Chiefs had sunk into the abyss leading to the chaos of shitty teams trying to get out of the AFC. But the Chiefs have seemingly pulled themselves together, and the offense is still surprisingly not hopping, but the much maligned defense has risen up to drag this team into the conversation.

 

And that’s where it would get super wild, if the Chiefs make the playoffs, because at some point those guns have to start firing, right? And if those guns were carried by the hapless crew for a time, maybe it will all be for the better when they rise up, fully confident, guns blazing and the lads proud to have gotten them there.

 

On the other hand, the Chief’s season has been stuttery as fuck, wobbly and untrustworthy so I for one am not betting on them being the scalp offered to Herr Brady.

 

Dallas… I already wrote Jerry Jones into the fucking ground, which I hope you read, and if you didn’t, what the fuck is wrong with you??? No, for real, click around this shitburger of a blog and find the evisceration you are looking for.

 

 

Arizona 23 Seattle 13

 

Whoa. Not only did the Cardinals execute the Seahawks, they did it with their backup quarterback, old Texas college boy Colt McCoy.

 

Now, obviously I am saddened and BEGRIEVED by Kyler Murray turning up lame, ruining my fantasy team dreams as Al somehow games yet another of our endeavors. Seriously, this fucker is gobbling up everything from our shit to Raven’s League of the Doomed soccer shit. I might have to get a team together to black bag Al and keep him chilling in the cellar while I figure out what to tell his wife when I’m done fucking her, and maybe this is where the dumpster comes into play for the babies? No, for real, Al has the toughest skin of any of us, so while I may be an unconscionable monster, Al will just roll his eyes and live his best life and good for him.

 

But for real, the Cardinals look like they might have not only a gamebreaker in Kyler Murray, but an entire system that is gaming the rest of the league. Take note of this game because it is proof that whatever they’ve got going on down there works.

 

Seattle is fading, mostly just a broken memory now. Russell Wilson is cashed out, I think. He’s done. Fucked. Sacrificed to the sun gods in the west so that Kylers can flourish. But a post Russell Wilson Seattle may as well be a post Pete Carroll Seattle, which I mean the dude just plunged into his 70s so it might be time for an entire reboot of the Seahawks soon.

 

 

LA Chargers 41 Pittsburgh 37

 

Goddammit, the fucking Steelers and that rapist monstrosity just won’t fucking die already. This was a shootout and thankfully the Chargers and Justin Herbert had more ammo than Rapes McGee over here. Just tie him up in a sack and toss him into the river. Fuck that, the river doesn’t need to be befouled by his stench. Throw him into a sewer, so that everyone may piss and shit on his corpse for all time.

 

I have no idea who is going to come out of the AFC this season, but that just means that Tom Brady is waiting, poised like a nazi tiger, waiting to strike and kill whatever weakling trickles out into the jungle. Could it be the Chargers? Sure, why not. Team on the rise, the world all out in front of them, not ready to have their heads kicked in by a fucking psychopath who will wear their heads like hats as he laughs with Gisele as they cruise on down the highway to hell.

 

It better not be the fucking Steelers, who, as I just said NEED TO BE DEALT WITH. Maybe I’m talking a fan outbreak, lots of loud noise and some jackal hyena all coked up and screaming my words slices his Achilles and the pigs can eat the rest.

 

 

Tampa Bay 30 NY Giants 10

 

Speak of the Psychopath, Tom let the Giants hang around for a minute and then had them all executed, their corpses tossed in a giant blender that Tom feeds from when he wakes up every morning. Big gristly meat needs to get in there from time to time because Tom can’t survive and thrive alone on the lighter fare, mostly children and immigrants.

 

And that’s all before he even steps outside for his morning run, which is really just him chasing terrified immigrants and whoever escapes gets to be sold back to whatever Arab slaver ship that comes around every Friday. But whoever he catches gets to have the honor of fueling Team Brady, who says he wants to play into his 50’s and he can so long as the bodies keep going through the blender with no disruptions. I mean, what the fuck happens when a hungry Tom can’t get his nutrients? Does he open his mouth and a horde of bees with COVID tipped stingers comes flooding out to ruin the world? Jesus Christ, just let the man eat.

 

The Giants are a nothing team with nothing going for them, and they can kindly get fucked. But hold on, we may need to store them somewhere for an emergency if the blender breaks down. Just crack these fools open and let Tom suck the marrow from their bones as he cries and screams in a rage that can only be satiated by more winning, eternally going on and on and on until we are all just a slave race groveling before the Sun King.