Minnesota Vikings (0-2; 2 pt average margin of defeat) - There is no better QB for a potentially sinking club than Kirk Cousins, of inflated on-field value, culturally as white as a fuckin' Klan sheet, and believing he's done "the independent research" to avoid getting a covid vaccine, even though the league has mandated it. Well, they mandated it, and he was still going to refuse, and somehow that fell off the news radar the past three weeks, without clarification he took it, or the league put some other protocols in place. Of course Cam Newton got released for the same reasons, but he's black. Kirk Cousins is just a good ol' midwestern whiteboy, with that "all-American" smile, meaning his headshot reinforces the imagery we've been fed as to what being an American man means. In reality, Cousins is an unintelligent piece of shit, of mediocre ability, but elevated because of the American mythologies heavily rooted in white supremacy we've all been fed. Hitler would've loved Kirk Cousins. Maybe Cousins' preferred #8 is just halfway to 88. I don't know. But I do know if I were to be pulling for a good symbolic 0-17 to crush the spirit of the brainwashed white suburban comfort class that pretends it's a "working class" even though it drives a $75k customized truck on its daily commute to a suburban office park, then the Vikings and Kirk Cousins is a good fit.
New York Giants (0-2; 7.5 average margin of defeat) - I had scattered burgundy and gold sigils (found bottles, mostly Miller High Life pony bottles) with little intentions for Washington Football Team failure last week in the abandoned quarries behind where I live. I desperately hoped Washington to be the first (and only, and last) 0-17 team in NFL history. But I didn't get them out there until Wednesday afternoon, overlooking the Thursday night game (because I overlooked the entire schedule, on purpose), and the dark magic hadn't had a chance to swirl upward and float that direction just yet. So the Giants lost by one, to remain unbeaten, while my nemesis franchise Washington, whom I hold much bitter resentment towards, snuck out of the 0 wins column. Fucking Dan Snyder.
Indianapolis Colts (0-2; 7.5 average margin of defeat) - Most of what was said about Kirk Cousins could be said about Carson Wentz as well, though he is certainly a more raggedy and dirty version, which is why Philadelphia loved that dude. The state of Indiana desires levels of white purity impossible for most humans; that's why they revered Peyton Manning. Andrew Luck wasn't good enough for them. Of course Wentz has been injured, and some young fucker named Jacob Eason might get thrown into the mix. A good 0-17 run will require at least three quarterbacks, in my metaphysical opinion, with at least one of them having their spirit eternally crushed by the season. Wentz (from google searching) only has a pair of sprained ankles. That's not eternally crushing, so hopefully he'll be forced to get back out there this week and something psychologically horrific can happen. Or maybe Eason throws 9 interceptions. But a QB must be sacrificed on the way to 0-17, that is for certain.
New York Jets (0-2; 12 pt average margin of defeat) - I've been rewatching The Sopranos, mostly because I want to look at tracksuits. They have such amazing tracksuits throughout the show, specifically Fila color block ones. These are impossible to find, because assholes buy up all that shit and put them in vintage stores. I've noticed some Sergio Tacchini ones too in the show, which is a dream score. I'd love to come upon a whole slew of old xl Sergio Tacchini combos in an assortment of colors, so that I could have a whole fuckin' closet full of them, to mix and match with Polo crew socks, for the rest of my life. Anyways, in my search for vintage soft shell windbreaker tracksuits, I almost pulled the trigger on a $23 New York Jets one this past week. I didn't, because it was just green with white piping... if it had been color blocked in some obnoxious way, I would've jumped at it. But Jets green is a dark Earthy green too, very contradictory for the upper Jersey location they inhabit. Nothing Earthy about that sprawling shithole. But I guess that's important, that we create distractions which give us balance, in order for sports to be a solid opiate for us dumbass masses.
Jacksonville Jaguars (0-2; 13 pt average margin of defeat) - I have mixed feelings about the existence of Jacksonville, not only as an NFL team but as a real life metropolis. There's very strange energies in that area - swirls of southern whiteness but also black southern culture, all with the fermentation factor accelerated by Atlantic winds. I'm not gonna talk on Jacksonville because of that, not this week, because I'm not sure how I feel about it all. I sat at the Atlantic the weekend before last, watching dolphins and cargo ships and thick American asses in panty bikinis, and it's left me confused about where Jacksonville might fit into all this quest bullshit.
Detroit Lions (0-2; 13 pt average margin of defeat) - There would have been no more perfect failure for America than an 0-17 Green Bay Packers helmed by Aaron Rodgers (who, if you remember the old Armchair Linebacker, looks too much like the guy who once tried to kill my youngest sister). So of course it couldn't happen, and the Detroit Lions got punked on Monday night football in front of a bunch of future heart attacks wearing cheese paraphernalia. I guess that's the Lions. I feel for Neil to be honest; he has had many battles over the past few years, and being I know how that is, coming from similarly doomed beginnings, all those battles are intertwined, so that the self-medication and favorite sports teams and family member who won't talk to you and too many fried foods and all of it just weaves together, to become this psychic canopy hiding any light in the universe from reaching your outlook all that easily. I worry about Neil, because he is as close to an e-brother as I've ever had, and I've tried to convince him for years to give up the Lions, at the very least, poke one hole in that wretched canopy, try and let a little light through. Breaking my unnecessary obligation to the NFL franchise in Washington helped let a little light into my life, and then I poked more holes, and I'm a completely different man than the one who watched Robert Griffin III's first games, deluding myself (like all addicts do) that great successes were on the horizon. I'd never wish for the Lions to go 0-17, because that would hurt my brother Neil, but I hope each week's further plunge into the possibility is a chance for him to re-evaluate his relationship with the universe. None of you give a fuck about Neil, you just consume his incredible ramblings and move on. How many of you have venmo'd him a couple dollars? How many of you actually care about Neil? He'd be better off without football, and the selfish thoughts of you mostly miserable content consumers should never cross his mind.
Atlanta Falcons (0-2; 24.5 pt average margin of defeat) - I feel the south is an amazing place when it has a good mix of poor white southerners, Black culture, and Latino immigration. My entire life philosophy is called Southern Gothicc Futurism, and based upon this, that the American South is a unique place culturally, well conditioned to spring forth with whatever comes next. So I don't wish for a cultural capital of such a place like Atlanta to be sacrificed to the 0-17 gods, but if it must, it must. We'd all be better off (eventually) if America finished declining. And if the metaphysical gods have to burn Atlanta like Sherman did in order for it to happen, then so be it. Beautiful things must get destroyed in order to survive the ugliest of times.
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