It’s the annual Lions passion play as they get their flesh torn apart by the Green Bay Packers. But… all is not well in Green Bay, as the Devil Aaron Rodgers is feuding with Hell and wants to escape. I mean, who among us, am I right?
But while Green Bay may seem like a frozen kind of Hell, which I’m pretty sure is one of the layers of hell as described by Dante in the Inferno, it’s still all this devil has ever known and he probably wouldn’t know what to do with himself if he escaped to the regular world. I mean, he has all the power in hell, but up here he’s just another sucker, a jackass waiting to be used and abused.
Sucking dick for drug money is probably something the devil has never had to do. He’s always been the suckee. But there is no rest for the wicked on this planet earth. No rest for the innocent either.
Still, the devil is The Devil for a reason, and that’s because he has been assigned by the fates to torture the Lions for all eternity or at least until he freaks out and spends all his time and energy trying to get the hell out of town.
The good news? I think he’s at that point, which means that this game really does feel like a tossup, a strange situation when you consider that the Lions are rebuilding – again – and this is just the first year of that rebuild, with Jared Goff a not exactly comforting presence at QB, replacing the Late Great Matthew Stafford, who sure, isn’t *technically* dead but LA is often wear the soul goes to die, so let’s run with it.
Still, a soul crushed Matthew Stafford remains a far better player than Goff, who is probably just gonna get through this season and then get replaced by some swinging dick in the draft. Or maybe not. I mean, this new regime seems committed to him, going back to their shared days in LA, and this might just be a weakness on their part. I don’t know. We just have to see how it all plays out.
Of course, I’m sick of that phrase as a Lions fan, where all we can ever do is wait to see how it all plays out, hopeful we’re headed to heaven, but in the end we always end up saying hello to the devil as we tumble through all of hell’s circles.
The weird thing is that I might be more interested in this game to see how Aaron Rodgers the man responds to this crisis. He is only The Devil so long as he remains immortal against the Lions. If that immortality is broken, he just goes back to being a regular dude which brings us back to sucking off strangers for drug money in the real world.
He’s also engaged and constantly on TV in every fucking commercial known to man, so this may all be a case of a dude whose priorities are all fucked up or who has too much of his energies tied up in different pursuits. The only way out, probably, is to dump the starlet, fire his TV agent and get back to being one of the five best QBs in the NFL. But he’s already tasted the poison of fame, and he’s probably too far gone to be saved.
But back to where I said I was more interested in seeing how this plays out with him and the Packers more than the Lions. That may seem sacrilegious to most of you, but fuck it, I don’t care. We know the Lions are bad, that they will remain bad for some time, and that this entire season is basically a Lost Year, a transition time existing only to give the coaches and management an idea of who they want to keep around when it comes time to purge the roster again.
And let’s not pretend that we aren’t emotionally invested in what happens to Rodgers. He is arguably our main nemesis, our Final Boss at the end of the game. It will be a big day for us when he is finally slain. So of course it makes sense to care about how this all goes.
When The Devil finally does get exiled from Hell and ends up, I don’t know, in Georgia with the Falcons as Charlie Daniels once prophesied, it will be a day worthy of joyous celebration by Lions fans everywhere. Shit, maybe he can come to Detroit and boot Goff to Green Bay. DON’T LAUGH IT COULD HAPPEN.
Sorry. As odious as we all find this dude, fandom is all about massive hypocrisy and we’d gladly make a deal with The Devil to get us to where we want to go. But that is all wild and irresponsible speculation and magic wishing, and that probably isn’t a good thing for a Lions fan to engage in.
Ideally, the Lions crush the Packers tonight and are the team that puts the dagger in the devil. I mean, it would be almost poetic, right? It is a story worthy of Dante, and this time, let’s just hope that in ends with us celebrating the Paradiso as we survive his entire trilogy. I mean, it would be a beautiful thing, which means it isn’t going to happen because we don’t get nice things, we don’t get to experience beauty, and so we’ll end up where we always do – in hell, beaten by the devil, and we’ll realize that this world we live in was hell along.
Packers 27
Lions 20
No comments:
Post a Comment