New York Jets (+3.5) at Carolina
It’s like the ghost of Christmas past up in this motherfucker. I mean, the Jets just went out and picked up a brand new QB who they swear will be the one to emerge from Joe Namath’s urethra and teach everyone the true meaning of New York Jets Football, and he probably will as he is sacked into a vegetative state and throws the ball around like Teri Schiavo chasing that fucking balloon with her eyes. Just dark and broken shit that can only end when someone signs their Do Not Resuscitate form. That is how they have made the football in Jets land (which to me is, like, Northern New Jersey, Sopranos shit) for half a century now. It will be bad because that is just how the story goes.
And they know this! They know it exceptionally well because they just closed the book on the last poor fucker who was dragged into this crippled franchise, Sam Darnold, who just happens to be the new QB for the Carolina Panthers. Rarely has Truth and Pain been so clearly brought together by Failure Demons and the dark gods of New Writing like this. It’s almost cruel, the fucking wizard behind the curtain of this life thing is just fucking with the Jets now. And with Sam Darnold.
Look, I don’t know if Darnold is out for blood vengeance because he seems like a SoCal geek who just wants his stepdad to buy him a new guitar or something, anything, that isn’t this *sports* business, which is a total drag because yeah you get your dick sucked more but you also get your head caved in by marauding crews of angry, violent men. Good luck getting the good blowjobs when you can’t even get an erection anymore because your mind is ruined and mostly you just dribble on your chin and you have to take your peepee to go potty or else mother will be angry that you pissed the bed again.
That’s the sort of life Sam Darnold is probably living already, just a sad state of affairs all around. And all that’s left is for his successor in the snuff film that is the Jets history to get broken and deranged in the same ugly way. And none of it will matter because, really, Christian McCafferty is just gonna run for a couple of touchdowns and maybe get his dick sucked while those mark ass QBs piss in mom’s face and make inappropriate hooting noises.
Pick: Panthers
Jacksonville (-3) at Houston
I think I have to actually write about these idiots this season instead of slapping a Limp Bizket video on here to entertain the slack-jawed Jacksonville folk like Al. And that’s because Urban Meyer has arrived and if you don’t know Urban, he is basically a Machiavellian Villain who fosters sociopaths and murderers like Aaron Hernandez. And now he’s come back to Florida to con a whole new crew of folks, who are actually also owners of a pro wrestling company, AEW, which means that Urban Meyer is gonna con the cons!
He will pretend to be a devout Christian and loving husband all while balling some lady wrestler who only wrestles because like a stripper she was molested by her stepdad, and meanwhile his boys will be boys and all manner of depraved filth is set to land in Jacksonville. Poor Trevor Lawrence is gonna end the year transitioning to Jennifer Lawrence and she and Urban will end up getting caught with a human foot which was the only thing the alligators wouldn’t eat because it had an ankle monitor around it that was mandated by President Biden after the Jags/AEW Christmas Party got out of hand. No one has seen or heard from Tony Schiavone and Urban and JLaw are trying to push crypto currency on Cody Rhodes who snaps and is last seen doing blow with Gardner Minshew while the ghost of Kenny Stabler pokes his head in and says “fuck this, even I can’t save these people” and then Cody and Minshew will be “disappeared” by whatever homicidal sociopathic protégé Urban is “mentoring.”
And they aren’t even the most fucked up in this matchup! That’s because Deshaun Watson apparently sex crimed every massage therapist in Houston, fuck maybe in all of Texas. He isn’t even a successful rapist, edging into sex crime world by just generally being really creepy and asking the girls to jack him off after they massage his throwing arm.
But shit, Deshaun, you don’t really need to get that throwing arm massaged because you won’t be playing football anymore after Sheriff Goodell gets a hold of this case. Oh sure, first he’ll try to work with you to “heal” and “listen” and be mentored by a deliriously evil Bill Cosby. But when that all fails, he’s just gonna call Urban Meyer and have him send up his new protégé and the next thing you know Deshaun Watson is sold to Kevin Sullivan as part of his new deal with AEW.
JJ Watt isn’t even gonna be around to save whoever survives this shitshow as Houston is taken by flood waters genetically spliced with New Covid and Urban Meyer hires the Lucha Bros to help run coke across the border. The beast has to be fed!
Pick: Jacksonville, but there are no winners here
Cleveland (+5.5) at Kansas City
This seems like it’s set to be maybe the Big Game of the Week, with Baker Mayfield hoping to steal enough Stablerish Swag to take down the Mahomes gang in their own place. Look, I have given my seal of approval to Mayfield, which is a very prestigious honor fought over by NFL QBs every year. “What’s Neil say?” they ask, nervous that I might cast them as next season’s rapist or torture advocate. And most of them deserve to stew in their immoral juices, but Baker Mayfield gets to be My Guy, which comes with a lot of pressure and also power of attorney in both Ohio and Michigan.
I want him to win. I want him to reintroduce that Stablerish rakish character back to the NFL, a naughty boy with a heart of gold. No strippers being broken in half by players that are so brain damaged they are basically the model for the Van Damme Cyborg movies. Just a dude who likes to live life and also has this weird itch. His mama told him it was a Spirit Warrior Itch and that he would spend his whole life trying to scratch it and get some fucking satisfaction, but as Kenny Stabler himself knew when he ghosted this world at the tender age of 69, you can never truly satisfy a true Spirit Warrior because they will always be looking for that new high, that victory or moment that transcends this mundane world for maybe just one perfect moment.
It is Utopic, a place that doesn’t even exist, and yet that can’t stop the hungry heart of a true Spirit Warrior from beating onward into tomorrow and then the day after that. But all that Spirit Warrior energy that Mayfield can harvest won’t matter when Mahomes the Machine sneers at man and guns him down, dying alone like an unwanted dog in the street.
Oh Dan, what dreams we could have, but a dream is all it is I’m afraid as the blasted plains of Kansas and Missouri are overrun by Chiefs fans in their MAGA red hats that they still cling to, their fertilizer bombs and deep mistrust of The Other exploding and poisoning the whole fucking world. The Browns go to Kansas City to die, and in these strange and terrible times, that is maybe the noblest end, pissing in the face of a Ruined America itself.
Pick: Chiefs
Miami (+3.5) at New England
Listen, we all already know who and what was real during that disgusting New England run. And he’s in Tampa. These fuckers are just typical dimwitted Bostonian assholes like Turbo, Robert Kraft getting tug jobs with Trump while Little Bill tries to reassert his manliness through the avatar of Mac Jones, which is a corny name that sounds like it was stolen from a 1950’s she-bop-do-wop movie. It’s not a real man’s name, and that is appropriate as Little Bill slaps him and tells him to not make eye contact with him.
There is no Patriots dynasty. There is a Brady dynasty. The Patriots are just the ex, like the model he used to fuck and impregnated before he leveled up with a Brazilian German SUPER model. He’s feeling the sunshine and the wild intensity of a tight German/Brazilian hybrid ass while the ex sends an email about child support in the misery of winter.
And now Little Bill has to deal with these fuckers from Miami who think they’re hot shit now, and they probably aren’t and that will make it even worse when the Patriots lose to them this week.
Pick: Miami
Green Bay (-3) at New Orleans
Man, I just clicked on the Packers page on Yahoo (lol I know) and the first thing on there is a vid of a smiling Devil Rodgers with his arm around fiancé Shailene Woodley in his latest attempt to seem human and the headline is “It’s going to be a good thing” and awwwww… but wait, no, he is actually talking about spending time away from her.
Ouch. The devil will burn you.
Of course, I could stretch this metaphor to make it about his relationship with the Packers who he famously tried to break up with like a moody teen off their meds. But I don’t want to do that, both because I have to wrap this fucking thing up soon and because It’s all too easy for The Devil.
He is gonna marry that girl, but fuck it, he’s cool if she has her own bedroom, or her own state. And he’s gonna go out there for the Packers and almost stick it in their face by playing like the Goddamn Devil and he’s not in love with them anymore, sort of like when my dad left my mom (and me) and told her he didn’t love her anymore and then he went out and bought a gold chain and walked up and down the street so my mom could see him through the front window.
That is the energy The Devil is playing with right now and the shitty part is that he’ll get away with it because he has all the credentials and the job and mom is just a part time dispatcher for the local hospital who doesn’t understand what she did wrong.
And now I’m standing in front of her bedroom door, a tiny 6 year old and listening to her cry around the clock. That’s because The Fucking Devil got one over on her and he’s just gonna keep doing his thing, nonchalantly strolling out of the wreckage he just created while mom still cries and the New Orleans Saints just have to take it.
Pick: Green Bay
Denver (-2.5) at Giants
I don’t really care much about this game and I have honestly expended a lot of emotional energy already and also haven’t slept in three days which isn’t even a drug thing but a post drug thing since I basically destroyed my natural sleep cycle as I lay myself in the hands of debauchery. Now I am a fucking vampire or maybe just a Gremlin, but vampires and gremlins are still better than the fans of these two teams. There is something almost fascist about Denver and the Broncos extending their hegemony over much of the barren west, making dark deals with the Mormons of Utah and Idaho, locked up in the mountains pretending to be kings, too “good” for the decadent Las Vegas Gomorrah.
And then there are the Giants and their fans, who are basically the older brother of the Jets fans. The Jets fans are like Chrissy on The Sopranos, younger and without scruples or a clue, yet not quite a made guy. Giants fans are Tony, bearish and well past made. They think they are the boss, that they are better, but really they are worse, sociopathic obscenities dragging Jets fans to hell behind them. They want everything now, have been spoiled rotten by a bunch of undeserved titles and they think they’re untouchable and
Pick: Denver
Chicago (+7.5) at LA Rams
Jesus, I don’t know if I have enough left right now to get into the Stafford of it all, but this game just jumped up and asked me to write about it so here we are. I want Stafford to win. I am a Rams fan this season. I mean, our people are still getting defensive and yelling at dullards like Chris Collinsworth who said he never knew Stafford was that good.
But that’s not our story anymore and we don’t have to defend the ex. Stafford has LA behind him now, ready to make him their lovable cowboy, maybe hook him up with Matthew McConaughey as we are reminded that we are grotesque and that he is happier now with his new life and his new team.
But goddammit I still want him to win if only because someone should find peace and joy and love in this fucked up Lions universe of ours, right? We don’t get to have that with him and that makes me sad, but at the same time, I’m ready for a new relationship too. We don’t have to be together, but we can still be friends. It would just be nice if Jared Goff had a nicer ass.
The Bears, meanwhile, prepare to embark upon ruining yet another franchise quarterback. But wait, lol these dumb fuckers aren’t even gonna bother with that shit yet because they are rolling with the ghost of Andy Dalton who is getting into his mid-30’s and I mean no one ever got anywhere riding with that geek. It just feels like a lost year, a transition year without the transition. Maybe it could work, but the Bears always fuck this up. Jim McMahon was almost 40 years ago and that dude wasn’t even that good and also was as blind as Geordie La Forge.
And, of course, don’t forget my warning that no Ohio St. QB has ever succeeded in the NFL. Art Schlicter just got out of jail again, so things are looking up for Brutus the Buckeye! That is the legacy awaiting Justin Fields. RIP.
Pick: Rams
Baltimore (-4) at Las Vegas
It will maybe be a little interesting to see the first Las Vegas Raiders fans, but not that interesting. Fuck the Raiders. I say this with solidarity with my dude Harpo Garza who is an Armchair Linebacker OG and is basically the godfather of our extended crew of fucked up artists and assholes, beautiful minds that can’t agree 100% on anything except that Harpo is the best dude. And his Raiders went and fucked him. So fuck them. Fuck them hard. Kenny Stabler’s ghost is disowning their greedy asses. There is only the Oakland Raiders, a badass football team. This Las Vegas shit is, well, shit. Bury them deep, Harbaugh the Sane One.
Pick: Ravens
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