[Howard Finster's depiction of John Riggins SB XVII TD run]
I
guess it has been 5 years since I gave up the NFL due to a combination of
feeling complicit in the concussive exploitation of marginal poor folk of the
rural south, feeling uncomfortable with the further rising tide of fascism
present in the league, and just being cursed with Dan Snyder as the owner of my
childhood favorite team, knowing he would outlive me, and make life miserable.
I’m not even sure how much I actually watched of that last season when Kirk
Cousins had taken over from RG3. I remember seeing some games where he was QB,
but I was disgusted and disinvested by then. When I quit drinking sodas, I
played this mind game with myself that when I took a swig off a newly purchased
bottle of Pepsi, that the sweetness was actually from dead honeybees. It got to
a point where I’d drink no more than half then throw the rest away, and
eventually just stopped altogether. That last season I watched the NFL was
similar in I’d note the concussive incidences in every play, and verbalize
within myself, “Well, he probably got a bit of brain damage there,” and it made
it so I could hardly watch the game, also due to the fact I’d started watching
the world’s football, which is incredibly more constant and way less commercial
filled. So watching different guys concuss themselves, but in undiagnosed ways,
then sitting through endless commercials every time somebody switched who had
the ball, well it effectively killed the joy of even trying to pretend it was
anything other than a sad militarized spectacle of enforcing American fascism
during the declining days of this doomed empire. They would squeeze every penny
of American flag waving profit they could off this CTE dying horse.
Thus,
I was not surprised at all when I saw the NFL was moving to a 17-game schedule,
already taxing the limits of the human body, compounded by the realities of
covid’s existence, so what the fuck? Let’s make the idiot cotton pickers play
an extra one to boot. I recalled fondly as well Neil’s coverage of the Detroit
Lions infamous realization of the first 0-16 record, and I guess in the time I
had left the NFL, the Cleveland Browns similarly achieved the high pinnacle of
doom. But now, those greedy fucklords of the NFL have decided to up the ante,
make it a little more exciting as so many realize our entire existence is
fucked up, unequal, and built on lies, they can get drawn back in. Of course
this will achieve the desired effect of more profits, at the expense of more
human cannon fodder. And yet, it is impossible to deny the curtain has been
pulled back on our western culture, and the sun is setting on the way of life
as we know it. Thus, I’m popping back into the Armchair Linebacker fold,
briefly, for as long as I can, as a simple verbal séance towards the pinnacle
of doom to mark the end of America – an 0-17 National Football League team.
Until
every team has won a game, I’ll list out the remaining possible pinnacles of
failure, necessary to usher in our final days as America disintegrates into
chaos and bloodletting. And though the American football fan loves to claim the
sport’s superiority over the world’s version of football, make no mistake about
it, unlike that sport – which has survived regime changes and world wars, the
NFL will absolutely shut down and disband if America ceases to be. It has no
life of its own outside of the blind patriotism of believing America is
special, and unique, because we run full speed into each other head first and
don’t cry about it when our vision goes black and white and we can’t hear
sounds momentarily nor remember our spouses or children’s names. And after one
week, of course, there are still sixteen candidates for this possibility. Let’s
list them…
New
England Patriots (0-1; 1 pt margin of defeat) – The Patriots lost by a single
point, and I’ll just tell you now I won’t be watching shit to add to these
blurbs. I’ve poisoned my mind quite enough with this shit already, but I know
Bill Belichick is still coaching New England, and the rise of the Patriots
coincided with post-9/11 xenophobic fervor, and with Tom Brady’s rise as a
Republican Party darling, it’s more and more likely this was all a covert
operation from the beginning, and the New England Patriots multiple Super Bowl
titles during the Belichick era is about as impressive as the Harlem
Globetrotters win streak over the Washington Generals. Tha being said, the
Patriots (that name) are still a powerful symbol of American mythology,
specifically located to a region, though it’s a Boston team, taking on the name
of the entire area. It is doubtful to think the Patriots would ever finish
0-17, even with the universe deeming it necessary as counter-symbol of America’s
fall. Tom Brady wasn’t fucking Laura Bush on the down-low all those years for
that to happen.
Dallas
Cowboys (0-1; 2 pt margin of defeat) – The same thing can be said of the Dallas
Cowboys, to be honest. Jerry Jones is a bastard remnant of a previous era, and
Texas itself is a strange concoction where you somehow combine the rampant
collective don’t give a fuck white ignorance of the South with the belligerent
mocking patriotism of New England meatheads. It’s a strange combination, but
very important in feeding the American War Machine. It’s no coincidence high
school football borders on religion in Texas, because those young bodies that
get brain damaged enough for the propaganda poisons to seep deep into their
brains, leeching into their hearts, that aren’t good enough for a D1
scholarship, or even D2, can fill the ranks of the enlisted, and learn
technology to steer drones to drop explosive tonnage on brown people who don’t
speak English, or Spanish, which is partially acceptable, but only if they wear
cowboy hats.
Minnesota
Vikings (0-1; 3 pt margin of defeat) – Is that bastard Kirk Cousins still QB at
the Vikings? Didn’t he refuse to get vaccinated at one point as well, and got
his teammates sick or some shit? Nothing is real anymore, including Minnesota,
and the likelihood of the metropolitan area where George Floyd was murdered,
triggering nationwide protests, being the site of an 0-17 team is very small.
They will want them boys in purple standing for the national anthem in
prominent positions of respectful obedience to encourage the most respectfully
obedient form of masculinity they can. A hateful masculinity that backs the
blue… what a wretched piece of shit culture we truly are.
Washington
Football Team (0-1; 4 pt margin of defeat) – Ahh, my childhood football team
without their racist nickname. I still have a black bootleg Sean Taylor jersey
in my closet, way too big for me, which I keep, shamefully, as a remnant of all
those years spent giving a fuck. It would be perfectly fitting for the football
team in the nation’s capital with the horribly racist history to go 0-17, on a
larger level but also on a personal level. I would take contrarian joy in them
being the absolute worst American football team in history, locked in for
eternity once the league is abandoned as roving gangs of Three Percenters begin
their ethnic cleansing expeditions in our larger more affluent suburbs. And I’ll
be conjuring that with magic and sigils, attempting to invoke various curses
and shadow people weighing heavy on their best players. It might be a bit
tougher this season, because Ryan Fitzpatrick is a weird one. Using black magic
to crack Alex Smith’s leg in two was easy – a simple hand-carved wooden
talisman conveniently snapped at the joint under a new moon around the barrel
fire, and he was toast. Dwayne Haskins even easier – casting the intentions of
naked women into a young new millionaire’s lust zone happens in the NFL even
without Greater Appalachian conjuring. But my efforts helped push it along
faster. But Fitzpatrick is Harvard educated, a seemingly intelligent man, yet
also a falsebeard. I’ve yet to figure out the way to weaken his spirit on the
astral plane, but I’ve been visiting the Potomac River further upstream from DC
more often, studying Piscataway creation myths, and writing small prayers on
the trains parked in freight yards on both sides of the Potomac, both in
Maryland and West Virginia, for those to move east. I’m hopeful the Washington
Football Team might could be that 0-17 abomination, but to be honest, there’s
personal bias there as well.
Cleveland
Browns (0-1; 4 pt margin of defeat) – It would not seem fair to the Browns,
after having achieved 0-16, and being rewarded with that Baker Mayfield
character, to have to suffer a worse record. Like most teams that have failed
to such a level, who have their fans’ hopes restored upon the false promise of
a fun-loving gunslinger like Mayfield, they have to be middling for a while, to
tease the marks back into believing. The NFL is masterful in working the marks –
far better than Vince McMahon could ever dream of being – and that means there
will be no 0-17 Browns.
New
York Jets (0-1; 5 pt margin of defeat) – The Jets have too many implications in
professional gambling, both legal and illegal, to ever go 0-17. There are too
many organized crime figures who feel partial to the Jets for them to ever
suffer such a fate.
Baltimore
Ravens (0-1; 6 pt margin of defeat) – The Ravens would never go 0-17 either, as
they are testament to the NFL’s ability to pimp anybody out – city, fanbase, or
otherwise. They were an abomination to old Baltimore Colts supporters, as well
as to the original Cleveland Browns franchise that relocated to Baltimore, and
yet despite all the complaints, the NFL laughed, got Baltimore to build them a
shiny nice stadium in a gentrifying area near the harbor, and basically said, “You
fucking marks will learn to love it.” And everybody did. The Colts are exiled
to fucking Indiana, there’s a new Cleveland Browns, and the Ravens have won a
Super Bowl, and my friend who had never watched a single game of the NFL the
entire time I knew him has since become a Ravens fan the same time I gave it
all up, even owning jerseys, which is hilarious to see since he used to make
fun of that shit. The NFL is proud of things like the Ravens, which it can
concoct out of nowhere and force upon the public, who begrudgingly accepts it,
then falls in love it, then gets mad at anybody who dare question the integrity
of the Baltimore Ravens.
Buffalo
Bills (0-1; 7 pt margin of defeat) – I do not understand how the Bills continue
to be relevant as glorified jobbers of a football team, for so many decades,
despite being a dying city with no other major sports teams (hockey doesn’t
count). And yet here they are, still.
Detroit
Lions (0-1; 8 pt margin of defeat) – Ahh yes, Neil’s beloved Detroit Lions. I
have followed Neil’s writings even as I gave up the NFL, worrying over him
similarly to how an addict in recovery frets over his old road dog partner in
crime, hoping they are able to find salvation the same way you did, and escape
the affliction of self-induced suffering. But Neil can’t – he may be a lost
cause, too many childhood traumas and not the same level of support I’ve
stumbled into in life. I’m thankful for that, for people who made me feel safe
enough to go, “Wow, this is fucking stupid to sit around for 8 hours all day
Sunday, on a beautiful day, and get mad at the television.” Detroit the city is
half abandoned now, public services just cut off in certain sectors where what
used to blocks full of houses is now vacant fields overgrown with weeds and
rusty trash. It doesn’t deserve to go 0-17, and I doubt it will, to be honest,
not after being the first to 0-16. The NFL, or the Universe, or a combination
of the two couldn’t be that cruel to one place. Could it?
Indianapolis
Colts (0-1; 12 pt margin of defeat) – The Indianapolis Colts would be a great
choice to go 0-17, being situated in Indiana. There is no worse borderlands in
America than the Ohio/Indiana region, two of the absolute shittiest states in
terms of vibes and feeling doomed. Ohio is a wretchedly awful place, but there’s
a lost soul soullessness to it, where you can see maybe soul once existed, but
was vanquished by failure over generations, and turns into an ugly desperation.
Indiana however is just vacant of soul, and it’s pretty fitting Mike Pence is
from there. Just a blank-brained, soulless entity that has filled its heart
with empty spiritual nonsense about hard work and god but is devoid of any
actual spirit, not even an ounce of burning bush fire to it. It’s not even fair
to call it vanilla, because even vanilla has sweetness. It is just… Indiana.
And though they’ve squeezed all the Black people in the state into
Indianapolis, it doesn’t trump the fact it’s still Indiana. It’d be wonderful
for them to go 0-17, but the gods of war would have to be distracted to neglect
those farmboy twinks they so dearly love.
New
York Giants (0-1; 14 pt margin of defeat) – We just had 9/11 celebrations of
the mythologies built from the ashes of those buildings, and the New York
Giants are as close to ground zero as the NFL can get. Seeing both country
music and the NFL become patriotic frenzies of bias and hatred hidden behind
red, white, and blue bunting was fucking gross this past twenty years. That
being said, there’s a zero percent possibility the New York Giants end up 0-17.
Jacksonville
Jaguars (0-1; 16 pt margin of defeat) – It would be funny to see Jacksonville
go 0-17, but that city is one of the weird realities of America’s make-up today
that not everybody realizes – that there’s gigantic ass sprawling metropolitan
areas full of motherfuckers who spend $75,000 on a truck that never carries a
single goddamn thing, and only gets 15 mile to the gallon, if they’re lucky,
but those fuckers will gladly drive it on the 45 minute commute through that
sprawl, each way, without ever giving a single solitary fuck, unless they have to
wait too long for some goddamned Chik-Fil-A, or Raisin’ Cains, or whatever
afterschool children’s snack chicken fast food chain is the latest rage in
those communities. The NFL thrives on those types; that’s their bread and
butter (which is now replaced by chicken tenders and special sauce), and the
NFL would never alienate its chicken tenders and special sauce.
Chicago
Bears (0-1; 20 pt margin of defeat) – Our last four teams, with the largest
average margins of defeat thus far after one week, are a pair of southern
teams, and a pair of old black and blue division NFC Central teams. It is the
dying working class of the Midwest, and the dying working class of the American
South, except both of those regions are still heavily populated with a large
angry suburban class that can live off the diminishing returns of the previous
generations for at least another decade. These are the ones who believed the “Make
America Great Again” promos, because all it took was a return to the ways of
their great uncles to once again enjoy the full fruits of freedom. Obviously,
that overlooks all the poor brown people whose necks had to be kneeled upon to
achieve that. It would be something if the Bears went 0-16, such a huge
symbolic entity in the NFL. But I’m also pretty sure Jim McMahon has dabbled in
time travel, and it wouldn’t happen.
Tennessee
Titans (0-1; 25 pt margin of defeat) – Tennessee in general, and Nashville in particular,
is a great example of the strange dichotomy of many American South spaces,
simultaneously populated by the most aggravating privileged racists, but also
some of the sweetest most beautiful simple souls you could ever meet. How does
that happen? The Titans logo has always been questionable though, some sort of
magic symbol of a crashing cluster of stars, and perhaps accidentally conjuring
the end of the empire. Graphic designers are like 12-year-olds with a Tarot
deck – they don’t think about the implications of what they’re doing, they just
slap some shit down, make up some meaning behind it, and move on to the next
thing that captures their fancy. But there’s real implications, and that Titans
logo has always been one of the darkest logos in the NFL.
Atlanta
Falcons (0-1; 26 pt margin of defeat) – Matt Ryan appears to still be playing,
and I always hated that guy. And despite the Falcons getting blown out
apparently in their first game, I will pass on any mean commentary, because I
love so many rural parts of Georgia, wandering along those back roads,
scribbling on idle trains. And to be honest, one of the great spirit warriors
of my childhood football watching was Billy “White Shoes” Johnson, so I will
give the Falcons a pass in his honor.
Green
Bay Packers (0-1; 35 pt margin of defeat) – Aaron Rodgers entry into Green Bay
a thousand years ago was covered in the drama of Brett Favre’s exit, and now
that it is time for Aaron Rodgers to exit as well, he is doing so no less
ungracefully. Trapped in Green Bay, it seems his heart has turned darker than
it already was, and they were destroyed in their first game. Could it go for 17
weeks? You’re talking about the only small town football team in the NFL, owned
by the fans, whose name actually goes back to the working class roots of the
team’s beginnings. Brett Favre was always just an ol’ gunslinger, playing like
a kid in the back yard, leading the team to renewed glory in this modern age.
And Aaron Rodgers seemed like that too, for a while. But things have turned
sour. On top of this, earlier this year, he married Shailene Woodley, the
actress noted for her support of the Bernie Sanders movement. The American
Empire has not embraced Sanders’ shtick, and in fact denies the validity of it.
Where does this put Rodgers, and the Packers? Are they still a symbol of
American greatness? Or have they betrayed the true spirit of American football,
and destroying yourself entirely for the momentary glory of televised success,
worshipped by the unthinking masses? This will be an interesting story to
watch, on the metaphysical level, and I hope to have to think about this for a
few more weeks in terms of the Packers.
So
there’s your first week wrap up of who can still go 0-17. I don’t know who is
playing whom next week, nor do I give half a fuck. I did see the Washington
Football Team is playing on Thursday night, which I guess is a regular thing
now, but I’m not gonna subject myself to three-and-a-half hours of Army and
beer commercials to try and find some excitement in 12 minutes of actual game
and 48 minutes of replays.
No comments:
Post a Comment