I was planning on doing an extra Willie Young thing for today, but after the Dick Stockton fiasco and last week’s Chinese epic, I need to take a break from story time before I burn myself right the fuck out. I’ll still put up another Willie Young piece on Thursday, but today, I just need to recharge a little bit. Still, I am a stubborn bastard and I made a ridiculous and idiotic promise to post something new every day of the week for the entire season. And even though it is a bye week, I take pride in stupid things like that, probably because I am an American and we are a fucked up breed of people who value stupid things, possibly because we are collectively made up of the rest of the world’s fuck ups and misanthropes, mongrels and mutts who were driven out of their own countries for being too weird or too stupid or too poor. Sometimes that leads us to creating beautifully stupid things like football. And sometimes it leads us to make foolish promises that we keep because we have a peculiar code of honor that only we can understand. I am a hard headed fool, a blithering jackass who at his core is a Real American like Hulk Hogan or Kenny Powers. I get drunk and I yell at the moon because it is bigger than me and I make promises that are meaningless and absurd but I keep them because . . . because . . . I don’t know why. There is nothing more American than that.
Anyway, this means that I have to think up some hideous content. I could put up part 2 of my Where The Hell Are We post, which I started on Friday. Part One covered the offense, and was long and weird and made numerous references to Indians and Redskins. But I kinda want to do that for Wednesday. I have my reasons, asinine as they are, but that meant that I had a hole to fill today and so I came up with this piece of shit idea. It’s pretty self explanatory. The NFC is a huge pile of shit this year. No one is any good, everyone is embarrassed by their own garbage slag of a franchise, and no one knows who in the hell is going to escape from this apocalyptic wasteland of a conference only to earn the right to be eviscerated by whatever noble team conquers the AFC. Which sucks, because growing up, the AFC always seemed like the weaker conference, probably because it was younger and had a reputation in its early days as a sissy league, full of deep bombs and dudes nicknamed Bambi, while the NFC was the original NFL and had Vince Lombardi preaching toughness and wrestling grizzly bears and teams called the Lions and Bears and Rams while the AFC (then the AFL) had the Dolphins and Oilers and the Saratoga Slapfighters. Hell, The Kentucky Queens dominated the AFL for the first 10 years of its existence. You can call me a liar, but this is only because the record books were rewritten by Al Davis in the midst of a coke fueled frenzy because . . . okay, this is threatening to devolve into story time again. The point is, is that the NFC has always, at least in my mind, been superior to those worthless cocksuckers in the AFC. This is probably because my team is an NFC team, and well that’s just how these things work. If they were an AFC team, I would probably be accusing Vince Lombardi of being a drug mule or George Halas of having beaten his wife or something.
Frankly, none of that matters. Because this year, the NFC is clearly the retarded water brained idiot younger brother of the AFC and only a great fool would argue otherwise. But, like I said somewhere in all that idiot gibberish above, someone has to come out of the NFC and in the absence of any legitimate ideas for content, I have taken it upon myself to analyze each NFC team in order to determine whether or not they have a shot at winning the damn thing. This is highly scientific, and if you argue with me, you are no doubt some sort of backwards ass hillbilly heretic. Some would say that what follows are merely my own opinions and prejudices, but fuck those people. They are enemies of science and Stephen Hawking will piss on their mortal bones. Anyway, let’s just get to it.
GIANTS – A lot of people are saying that the Giants are the favorite to win the NFC, but frankly, I don’t see it. Their quarterback is a mongoloid idiot whose DNA was scraped together from the afterbirth of Peyton Manning, and their defense is inconsistent and almost got burned by Ol’ Plucky. If it wasn’t for shitty penalties, the Giants might have lost at home to the Lions. THE LIONS.
EAGLES – The Eagles are coached by an imbecile who has to spend half his time worrying about whether his kids are jerking off bums in random alleys for coke. He always looks like he’s one slab of bacon away from a massive coronary and he’s dealing with a quarterback controversy and a fanbase that hates everyone and would gut him just for fun in the parking lot. The Eagles might be capable of beating everyone in the NFC, but they’re just as likely to end the season with their quarterback getting hauled away in a police cruiser while Andy Reid sends cell phone pictures of his junk to Donovan McNabb.
REDSKINS – I naturally pull for the Redskins a little bit because they are my boy Raven Mack’s team, but really, fuck them. The closest my Lions ever got to the Super Bowl was in 1991, when they murdered the Cowboys and Barry Sanders rode wild and the future seemed limitless and full of wonder and joy. Then the Redskins curb stomped the Lions a week later, shattered all of my dreams and nothing was ever the same until Barry finally was carried away on a river of tears. So fuck them. I always hated them for that, and now they are owned by some soulless shithead, and if they were to win then that would mean that he would feel joy and vindication for his sinful ways. So, fuck that, you know? Plus, they have Donovan McNabb, who might be legitimately slow, and whose most famous crunch time moment involved him puking on the field.
COWBOYS – Fuck them. Also, they are terrible this season, Tony Romo just died, and Jon Kitna’s Bible thumping ways will not go over well with that group of heathen degenerates. The biggest story left for that team is the one that will come out when Kitna is found with his face full of claw marks after he makes the mistake of trying to preach to the whores in the fabled “White House”. Either that, or Michael Irvin will have his legs broken for messing with his property. Mike’s pimp hand is strong and Jon Kitna doesn’t want to make the mistake of costing Papa Irvin his cut of the White House’s take.
PACKERS – The Packers are my pick to get to the Super Bowl. Still, they almost lost to the Lions at home, so . . . yeah. They have a couple of killer playmakers on defense in Clay Matthews and Charles Woodson, and Aaron Rodgers is one of the top quarterbacks in the NFL. Shit, this team might even be capable of making the playoffs in the AFC. But, like I said, they almost lost to the Lions at home and their running game consists of a slow white guy. Plus, they are representative of a sort of staid conservatism that manifests itself in dudes like my Great Uncle John and Red Foreman so fuck them, it’s not 1955 anymore. Oh, and they have made a living abusing my poor Lions. And . . . and they gave a home to that degenerate Brett Favre for almost 20 years, fetishizing him as some sort of noble warrior, a tough throwback with the heart of Bart Starr and the soul of Ronald Reagan, when in reality he was just a pilled up whoremonger who shit on their chests the first chance he got and glorywhored his way into the embrace of their arch-rivals. What does this have to do with their ability to win? Nothing, but fuck them anyway. It needed to be said, and perhaps on a karmic level, they will be punished.
VIKINGS – Fuck them. They have gotten their just reward for chasing an old whore like Favre around. Now, they are a broken down sideshow, filled with selfish jackasses and a head coach who would be overmatched in the Special Olympics. They still have Adrian Peterson, but that doesn’t matter, because the Ol’ Gunslinger and the now infamous pea-shooter that he’s packing will arrogantly try to win the day, which will lead to misery and heartbreak for the Vikings faithful and hilarity for the rest of us.
BEARS – Their quarterback is a concussed asshole who has been taken by The Fear. They have no offensive line and they employ the following men as coaches: Lovie Smith, Mike Martz, Mike Tice and Rod Marinelli. Jesus! It’s amazing that the players aren’t just taking their pants off at midfield and crying. Goddamn. Forget about pale horses and the four horsemen of the apocalypse showing up. Those motherfuckers are already in Chicago and they won’t stop until they turn that whole city into a dustbowl of misery and despair. Plus, they almost lost to the Lions at home. Fuck that. They did lose to the Lions at home and if there is any justice in the world, they will give up one sack for each tear we cried over that terrible atrocity.
LIONS – Quit laughing, you assholes. Okay, fine. The Lions aren’t winning shit. Still, I’ve already talked about how the Lions almost beat three teams at home, three teams that all have winning records and three teams that at various points in this young season have been mentioned as Super Bowl contenders. Given that, and given the general shittastic ineptitude of the conference as a while, I don’t think it’s entirely unreasonable to say that I think the Lions can beat just about anyone on their schedule the rest of the way. Will they? Of course not. But they can still pick off a few of them and let’s face it, the better they get, the more fun it will be to see me grow wildly delusional, and you can all laugh at me when my dreams come crashing down week after week. The Lions are getting better, though. You can’t deny that, can you? This season is not their season. We all understand that, but the Lions will humiliate someone no one thinks they can beat at some point before it’s over.
SAINTS – Whatever the fuck the Saints had going for them seems like it’s gone, doesn’t it? Then again, no one can really pinpoint what the problem is, so it’s possible that the first half of the season has just been one massive hangover. If they can pull their shit together, then I think they have as good a chance at anyone else of escaping with the NFC title. Lucky for them, no one else is running away and hiding, so there is still plenty of time for them to make this happen. Then again, that might be their biggest problem. These dudes need to play with a sense of urgency and if they still think that there’s time left because everyone else is straight ass, then eventually, they’re going to run out of time. Insert obligatory joke about New Orleans not being good at being proactive in order to avoid disaster here. I will not do so because I love the city of New Orleans and I wish them well. (What? I am not a complete ogre.)
FALCONS – A lot of people are calling the Falcons the de facto favorite, but man, I just can’t quite stop thinking about how they got mutilated by the Eagles a couple of weeks ago. There’s just something not quite right here. My boy Langsty, who’s a big Falcons fan (and who, at one time, wrote some words about the Falcons for this site), was basically ready to give up on the season after that Eagles game even though the Falcons are still in prime position to win their division. That tells me a lot, you know? If even their fans think shit stinks, well, then there is something rancid there, right? I don’t know. I wouldn’t mind seeing the Falcons do well, if only because they have been our brothers in pain for so damn long. Still, they were the team that drafted Brett Favre and thus opened up the portal to hell which allowed him to escape into our world, and I’m afraid that is simply unforgiveable.
BUCCANEERS – Tampa Bay is young and overachieving and they keep beating people they shouldn’t and goddamn it, that shit makes me so jealous. Fuck them. They already won the Super Bowl in the last ten years and their fans are all retirees and white trash jackoffs who refuse to support the Dolphins because they don’t want to support the Cubano cocaine cowboys who made that city great and made Florida something other than just a dick shaped Alabama. Perhaps that is an awful generalization, but fuck it, these are terrible times, full of terrible people and sometimes the hammer of truth is harsh and indiscriminate. Plus, those assholes like to pretend that their entire stadium is really a giant pirate ship and that is some ridiculous shit, you know? Oh, and they are a former division rival who somehow managed to find success before we did even though they were for the longest time the LA Clippers of the NFL, and that shit just isn’t fair. Fuck that and fuck them.
PANTHERS – These dudes are awful and everyone knows it. They might be the worst team in the league, and there is something ugly and “New South” about them, something very Walmarty and Mega Churches and sanitized pod people, that is revolting to me. Again, that is an unfair generalization, but I am in a harsh and violent mood, and well, this is what happens.
49ERS – The 49ers are currently in the midst of some terrible horror show, complete with an insane maniac of a head coach who drops his drawers whenever he feels like he needs to make a point. The 49ers were supposed to be this season’s darling team, but they’ve won 1 game and just got beaten by the awful Panthers. Things have degenerated to the point where their desperate fans are bellowing for David Carr of all people and my dude Whiouxsie has taken to posting his game notes, which each week just get progressively darker and darker until he is wrapped in a cloak of insanity and demanding that the team not be allowed back in the country after they finish their terrible tour of London. (And by the way, how cruel is it of the NFL to introduce American football to the English via the 49ers vs. the Broncos? What the fuck? 1776 was over 200 years ago. We already dumped all their tea and fired at the whites of their eyes. We don’t have to do this too, do we? Oh well, 1776 NEVAR FORGET I guess.) Add in the overseas factor, with the time zone changes and the jet lag and all that bullshit and that game is going to fuck the 49ers up for the rest of the season by screwing up all of their routines. Then again, maybe they need their routine to be fucked with. Couldn’t hurt at this point, right? Whatever the fuck happens – and we can assume it won’t be good – at least they have their memories of all those Super Bowls won by some soulless degenerate with the eyes of a serial killer and a Mormon whose brains are currently made of vanilla pudding. And at least we can continue to laugh at them and nurse our petty grudges against them accrued during their decade plus of dominance. Personally, they never did shit to my team, but I understand there is a lot of hatred from teams that were actually worth a damn in those days and grudges die hard, and if the 49ers have to eat a bullet on their deathbed even though they are old and pathetic and are gonna die anyway just so some Giants or Rams or Vikings fan or whoever can finally be at peace with the world, well then shit, I guess that’s what must happen. I don’t make the rules. I’m just a chronicler of human misery.
RAMS – Fuck the Rams. They don’t even have any real fans. They abandoned their L.A. roots (shit, weren’t they originally from Cleveland at one point? This kinda makes me want to do a thing on the Rams paralleling the American journey, from robust Midwestern Industrialism to the dream of California and the beaches of manifest destiny to the modern decay in the Heartland, but that would get out of control in a hurry and I have to stop myself.) and headed for St. Louis, where the fans were already the battered spouses of some other asshole that up and left them in the middle of the night with six kids and a mountain full of debt. So they cling to the Rams but they don’t trust them, because how can you trust a man after you’ve been done like that? Still, the Rams are a warm body and they make the nights less lonely. But no one really loves the Rams. Their ex is a plastic whore too busy pimping out her poodle and sucking off strange degenerates under the Venice boardwalk because one of them might work in the mailroom of CAA to care at all about what the Rams are doing and their current lover is too broken to ever love again, and so all that’s left is a parade of ennui and decay until one of them finally dies. Plus, those fuckers tried to steal our destiny this season and had to be put in their place. We took a blowtorch to their genitals and then vandalized their trailer because you don’t fuck with another man’s destiny.
SEAHAWKS – Pete Carroll is too busy circle jerking with Will Ferrell and Snoop and laughing about how he fucked USC over to do anything other than collect his golden parachute paycheck from the Seahawks and pretend to give a shit about being anything other than a dude who just wants to say fuck it and go surfing. Plus, their quarterback is going bald and they have given Mike Williams life and that’s some bullshit, is it not? I don’t want to hear any redemption stories involving one of Matt Millen’s most notorious fuck ups. The Seahawks have pissed in the face of karma one too many times. Plus, the most famous player in their franchise’s short and worthless history is Steve Largent, who is a favorite among the Klan set because he was a white wide receiver and a grit merchant extraordinaire. Such an awful legacy. The people of Seattle should be ashamed of themselves for continuing to encourage this kind of nonsense.
CARDINALS – Kurt Warner is too busy dancing on television, making a jackass out of himself, and reading the Bible and getting beaten by his wife to help the Cardinals this season. Yes, he has abandoned them to their tragic fate, which is the same fate to which they have always been chained. They dared to fly too close to the sun and in their arrogance their wings of wax melted and they plummeted back to the earth. Plus, they are a vagabond of a franchise, having left Chicago way back in the day because they were not the Bears and no one gave a shit about them, only to turn up in St. Louis, where, as was mentioned earlier, they beat the hell out of that poor city, ruining her for every other man, and then scampered for the soulless deserts of Phoenix, home to racist maniacs who will scalp brown people on sight and crazy Sheriffs who look and act like they just got done chasing Burt Reynolds through four states in between lynchings. I cannot in good conscience support such a team. But I have Larry Fitzgerald in one of my fantasy leagues, so could you please get him the ball more, Phoenix? If you don’t, I will never forgive you, and I will make it my mission to seduce Jan Brewer out of spite.
Well, there you go. This was weird. I guess what we learned is that all these teams are very, very flawed and I have some issues to work through. In the end, I guess I would rank them like this:
1. Packers
2. Shit, pick from one of the Falcons, Giants, Eagles and Saints I guess.
The important thing is this: if I continued to rank them 1-16, the Lions would not rank 16th, and hell, that is the first time I could honestly say that in the three years I have been doing this. Hooray?
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