An artists' depiction of The Great Willie Young and his friend, Wu Pei, in China, circa 750 ADIn case you missed it . . . The Legend Begins
Willie Young Saves Andrew Jackson's Life & Also Fights A Giant Panther God
Willie Young Fights Hippies At The Zoo
Willie Young Wins The Battle Of Lepanto And Does An Excessive Amount Of Whoring
Today's tale comes down to us through a series of ancient Chinese documents, most of which have been worn and frayed to the point that they are barely readable. But an expert team of scientists, led by a coked up Stephen Hawking and his assistant, the lovely Miss Tila Tequila, managed to keep their pants on long enough to decipher these ancient Eastern mysteries, and the tale that they tell leaves no doubt that The Great Willie Young is a hero in every corner of this strange and beautiful world.
It would seem that sometime in the mid 8th century, these ancient Chinese texts record that a mysterious figure emerged amongst the barbarian tribes in the deserts of Western China. This figure was described as "a giant painted warrior, blackened in the fires of hell, who breathed fire and was capable of melting a man's soul with the heat from his eyes." There can be no doubt that this great warrior was none other than The Great Willie Young, especially when one takes into account that these ancient tales also describe this mysterious warrior "slaying the women, both the old maids and the young maidens in their primes, with his mighty pleasure sword."
This mysterious warrior remained in Western China for the better part of a decade, warring with the natives, before disappearing from the records. At almost the same time this warrior disappeared, a new figure popped up in Eastern China at the court of the Tang Emperor. These records are more clear and leave no doubt about this man being The Great Willie Young.
It would seem that Wu Pei, who you will remember from his role in the Battle of Lepanto and the tragic death of Willie's mother, had taken up residence as a court mystic. No one knew Wu Pei's age, but he was reputed to be at least 900 years old. The truth, however, is that like The Great Willie Young, space and time were both meaningless concepts to Wu Pei, who moved effortlessly through the cosmos. For Wu Pei, an event that would not take place for another 800 years by our reckoning, like the Battle of Lepanto, had actually already occurred.
Therefore, it has been suggested by some scientists, and also a Danish mystic named Torvald Dalgaard, who himself claims to be able to manipulate time, that Wu Pei had returned to his roots in medieval China, where his ability to conjure great magics was considered of particular value by a series of emperors obsessed with the concept of immortality, because it provided Wu Pei with an excellent place to hide from The Great Willie Young and Willie's father, the Cheetah God. Wu Pei was deeply ashamed of his role in the death of Willie's mother, since he was the one who provided the Turkish Sultan with the cannon from which his mother was fired. However, Wu Pei had repented of his greedy actions (the sale of the cannon was said to have netted him over 100 pounds in gold bullion and also a pair of Persian whores. Oh, and a donkey.) and had enchanted the cannon so that when it was fired, both Willie and his father would hear the sound of it no matter where they were in the world. As was explained in the last tale, this then led directly to the Battle of Lepanto, where Willie avenged his mother's death.
So, it would not have been surprising if Wu Pei was unsure of how he would be treated by his old friend, The Great Willie Young, should they meet again. But, this is highly unlikely since Wu Pei didn't exactly hide himself away in secret once he was back in his familiar China. Instead, he had become fabulously wealthy from selling various potions to desperate Emperors who believed these potions would make them immortal. But Wu Pei was a crafty man, and greed had always been his one vice. He would purposely sell them defective potions that had hideous side effects so that they would be forced to come back to him for a cure, which, naturally, he would overcharge them for. One emperor was said to have been turned into a goat, and was then shooed out of the palace by his courtesans. He was then captured by a farmer, who beat him daily and stuck him in a pen where he was violated sexually by the other goats. Naturally, the emperor was furious and he managed to escape the holding pen and sneak into the palace where he confronted Wu Pei. Wu Pei reportedly just laughed and promised the emperor that he would change him back into a man in exchange for both a full pardon and most of the man's wealth. The emperor, still in goat form, clamped his hooves in approval and then tried to eat Wu Pei's robe. Wu Pei shooed him away and then said a few words that sounded like a mixture of Sanskrit and gibberish, and moments later, the emperor was transformed back into a man.
The emperor killed himself only days later, depressed and haunted by the terrible memories of the goat sex he was forced to endure. It is possible - hell, most would say probable - that this was Wu Pei's intention all along. In the chaos following the emperor's death, the Tang Dynasty threatened to fall, but was restored when the emperor's infant son was crowned emperor, under the regency of a council led by none other than Wu Pei, who had also made himself fabulously wealthy at the emperor's expense.
It was in this environment that The Great Willie Young finally arrived to see his old friend, Wu Pei. If Wu Pei was trying to hide from Willie he was doing a poor job of it. But from the way the ancient records read, it would seem that there was no animosity at all from Willie when the two met. In fact, Wu Pei reportedly ordered a team of slaves to bring a throne out to Willie when he heard that the big man had arrived. The slaves then placed Willie on the throne and then carried it into the palace, where Wu Pei received him with much joy and fanfare.
The following years saw peace and prosperity come to Tang China under the stewardship of Wu Pei and his friend, The Great Willie Young, who the Chinese called The Black Dragon. For over twenty years, the two men rode at the head of a great army, subduing various barbarian tribes in the west and in the north. Their subordinates marveled at the fact the neither man seemed to age and they began to be worshipped as living gods.
Naturally, this offended the Buddhist monks who had worked long and hard to obtain influence in the great nation. One of these, an aging and corrupt monk named Xi Lao, made it his personal mission to overthrow Wu Pei and The Black Dragon. Often, Xi Lao would appear at court - always while Wu Pei and Willie were out campaigning against the barbarians - and he would beseech the emperor, who was by now a man in his early 20's - to repudiate Wu Pei. But the young emperor had grown up wholly dependent upon Wu Pei and was both fearful and weak. Besides, he had grown to love Willie Young, who taught him how to properly seduce a woman. The young emperor was swarming with concubines and so why would he want to eliminate the men who made that possible?
Xi Lao appealed to the emperor's vanity, telling him that a great man such as himself needed no "ancient wet nurse or his mongrel dog". The emperor, enraged, had the monk beaten and thrown out of the palace. Months later, Xi Lao returned and decided to appeal to the emperor's sense of duty, begging him to think of his responsibility to his people. The emperor eyed one of his concubines greedily and dismissed Xi Lao. Fuming, Xi Lao returned to his monastery, but not before leaving the young emperor a message reminding him that The Mandate of Heaven belonged to him and not to "that wicked sorcerer, Wu Pei."
It would seem that despite the emperor's rejection of Xi Lao, the monk's words had an effect on many powerful members of the court, noblemen who banded together in secret, calling themselves "The Society of the Magic Sun". These men were not Buddhists - they actually worshipped the sun - but they also had grown to hate the power yielded by Wu Pei. They also hated The Great Willie Young because, well, they were a gang of racist assholes.
This Society of the Magic Sun began to disguise themselves in white robes and white hoods and would often meet to formulate a plan to rid themselves of Wu Pei and The Black Dragon. They would also get deliriously drunk and spend the night frolicking in hideous orgies. These orgies soon became very popular, even amongst people who didn't care at all about politics or the power wielded by Wu Pei, and it was at one of these orgies that Xi Lao and the emperor reconnected.
The two men found that they both had great love for cheap, anonymous sex - hey, who doesn't? - and they bonded together over this over many late nights. One night, while the two were double teaming the wife of a low level army officer, Xi Lao decided to press his case to the emperor one more time. And this time, Xi Lao found the right strategy. He told the emperor that Wu Pei and The Black Dragon were keeping all the good women for themselves and denying the emperor his "rightful bounty of the finest tail."
Enraged, the emperor immediately called a council of his top nobles - who were to a man members of The Society of the Magic Sun - and together they crafted a document which officially exiled both Wu Pei and The Great Willie Young from the kingdom and proclaimed that should they try to return, they would both be executed. In addition, as a way of humiliating Wu Pei, the emperor enslaved Wu Pei's daughter and then gave her to Li Xao, who kept her in a room deep within his monastery. There she remained, under guard. She was well treated but wasn't allowed to leave and every night she would be forced to "entertain" Li Xao when he would arrive at her door, usually drunk and stinking of depravity.
Meanwhile, Wu Pei and The Great Willie Young were far away, fighting amongst the barbarian tribes of Western China with their army. The two men were confident and strong. After all, they had basically ruled China without rival for more than 20 years. One night, after the two men had drifted off to sleep, a messenger from the emperor arrived in camp with an edict demanding that the army return to Eastern China. If any man refused, he would be considered an outlaw and an enemy of the state and would be sentenced to death.
The men in the army had great affection for Wu Pei and they especially loved The Great Willie Young, The Black Dragon, who was the fiercest of them all, the strongest in battle and yet the quickest to laugh. He was generous with his bounty and he would often sit with the men and share great tales of his exploits, including the Battle of Lepanto, which actually confused the hell out of the men, just like I'm sure it did many of you.
But, the men were also tired. They had been warring with barbarians for twenty years and most of them had grown old while their children grew up and their wives either remarried or became involved in the orgies of The Society of the Magic Sun. They desperately wanted to return home and so, reluctantly, they left Wu Pei and Willie alone in the camp, asleep in the middle of the desert and even took all of the food and water. The only soldiers who remained were an unnamed squire who served as Wu Pei's horse master and a young idealistic soldier who had no family and was still eager for the sweet taste of victory.
When Wu Pei and Willie awoke, they looked around in stunned silence. But neither man was a fool. They understood all too well what had happened. They looked back across the horizon, the blazing sun behind them and they wearily set across the desert, with no food or water, and only two faithful companions to keep them company.
The four men traveled for miles, walking in the horrible heat. The Society of the Magic Sun had prayed to the sun to make their journey harder and although such a thing is obviously ridiculous to us as men of science and reason, the sun was hot and it did make life for Wu Pei and Willie Young a living hell. Only rumors have survived of their terrible journey, but what is known is that Wu Pei and Willie arrived back into the East alone. It was said by some that they had eaten their companions, the horse master and the young soldier, in desperate hunger. But since the two are immortal this seems odd. Then again, even immortals get hungry from time to time, so who knows? After all, their companions were gone and both Wu Pei and Willie were said to look well-fed despite their terrible journey without food or water.
But that is all scandalous conjecture and we shouldn't even dignify any of those terrible rumors. What we do know and what is more than rumor is that the two men were immediately captured by a squadron of soldiers personally beholden to the nobles who made up The Society of the Magic Sun. These private armies were made up of utter degenerates, heathens with no respect for anything other than money, food and loose women. They shamefully abused both Wu Pei and The Great Willie Young, binding them in chains and then beating the hell out of them as they marched them back to the palace.
Once there, they were brought before the emperor, who had himself just been inducted into The Society of the Magic Sun. Willie immediately went berserk when he saw the young emperor decked out in a white robe and a white hood - for obvious reasons - and he immediately broke his chains and then began whipping his captors with them. Meanwhile, Wu Pei, inspired by his friend's outburst, began chanting. Soon, the emperor doubled over in pain and then began to bleat. His courtesans began to panic and a few of them even ran away, remembering what happened to the emperor's father.
Meanwhile, The Great Willie Young was busy beating the holy hell out of the wayward soldiers with his chains. He had been angered, and his wrath had transformed him from the amiable friend of Wu Pei into the real life Black Dragon. No longer was that just a name, but a reality. Scattered records of the event seem to indicate that he grew to the height of ten men and began to devour the now frightened soldiers. But this is very likely an exaggeration and a way for those dullards to explain the awesome might of The Great Willie Young.
What is known is that while Willie was laying the beat down, the emperor had transformed, just like his father before him, into a goat. The rest of the noblemen began to flee, cursing both themselves and the sun, their god, which had abandoned them, sinking below the horizon. One by one, Wu Pei turned them all into various farm animals, and by the time the night was through, the palace was alive with the sound of bleating goats and snorting pigs, of clucking chickens and braying jackasses.
Wu Pei and Willie surveyed the scene and then sat down for a giant breakfast, made up of ham and eggs and fried chicken made from the flesh of the transformed nobles. The entire time, the young emperor was forced to stand and watch, bleating in misery at both Wu Pei and Willie who taunted the emperor as they devoured his new friends. When the meal was over, Willie approached the emperor, who he had helped raise, and felt great sorrow for what had happened to the boy. But standing in front of him was not the boy he had known but a goat in white robes and a white hood. Willie Young won't stand for that shit, whether it's in Alabama in 1965 or in China circa 750. He grabbed the goat emperor by the throat and throttled him, choking him out with his own robes. The goat bleated and thrashed about but was finally subdued. Just before the goat died, he transformed back into a man. He begged both Wu Pei and Willie for forgiveness and told them of Wu Pei's daughter and the evil ways of Li Xao, the Buddhist monk who had imprisoned her.
The two men accepted the apology of their dying emperor. They were sad that it had come to that, but what could they do? They watched the young man die and then Willie said a prayer over his body before it withered before their eyes and disappeared, possibly due to a spell from Wu Pei who probably didn't want to deal with disposing of the body.
Wu Pei then sat down and sighed wearily. Now, he would have to figure out a way to rescue his daughter, a beautiful young woman he barely knew. He had fathered her with a mysterious and beautiful woman who had mysteriously appeared at court and would have nothing to do with anyone other than Wu Pei. Wu Pei fell madly in love and he even considered renouncing his immortality in order to make a life with her. When she gave birth, Wu Pei was overjoyed. He had been hoping for a son, but he was happy with the beautiful baby girl he was given. He picked up his baby girl and cradled her in his arms and named her Yi Xian Shu Guang, which means "a gleam of hope." He smiled, happier than he had ever been in his life and then turned around, only to find that his beautiful wife had vanished as quickly and as mysteriously as she had appeared. Wu Pei spent months desperately searching for her until his friend, The Great Willie Young, told him "Some things are just meant to be for a short time, my man. You have to live when you have the opportunity, but you need to know how to say goodbye too, you dig?" Wu Pei sadly understood what it was his friend was trying to tell him and reluctantly tried to get on with his life.
But now, with the news that his daughter had been taken, those emotions all flooded back and Wu Pei knew that he could not rest until he had vengeance upon Li Xao and until he finally laid to rest the mystery of what happened to his beautiful wife. And Willie Young knew it too. He could see the determination and the pain in his old friend's eyes and he knew that the two of them had one hell of an adventure in front of them. He could have abandoned his old friend, but Willie was a man of deep loyalty. Besides, he had been there when the adventure started and he wanted to see it through to the end. And, hey, he had heard rumors that Wu Pei's daughter had grown into a serious hottie.
Fighting off a mild erection, Willie grabbed Wu Pei by the hand and hauled him to his feet. The two old friends looked at one another and without a word they marched out of the palace together. They stood in the streets under the morning sun and looked into the far horizon where they could barely make out the high peaks of the mountains, in which, they knew, lay the monastery of the depraved Li Xao.
To be continued . . .
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