Vengeance

At least he looks like he died happy. Look at that smile on his face.

(A quick note before we get started: Travis over at Chiefs Command, a blog devoted, obviously, to the Chiefs, asked me to contribute a few words about why the Chiefs couldn't beat the Colts this weekend. I went with my usual claptrap about destiny and even name dropped Hitler, although Travis, in his infinite wisdom, was smart enough to avoid quoting that portion of my gibberish. Anyway, thanks to Travis for giving us a little publicity, and . . . yeah, maybe click on that link so he'll know it wasn't a terrible idea to get involved with our particular brand of crazy. Okay, on with the usual nonsense.)

I feel kind of angry. It's a self righteous anger and it's directed at the St. Louis Rams. And it's because, right now, they seem to have gotten everything that we were promised. They have the young, franchise quarterback and they have had to rebuild after a terrible salting of the earth and they are coming off back to back wins and everyone is talking about them as a surprise team that could even take the shitty NFC West this season.

Of course, an angry goat and a kicking mule could together run away with the NFC West this season so perhaps that is not much of an accomplishment. Still, come on. There is something cosmically unfair about being face down in a ditch in some bombed out hellhole for so long only to finally pull yourself up and then get knocked right back down while the dude who was laying with you in that ditch gets pulled out by some sort of angel who carries him to salvation and gives you the finger as they float on by.

That was supposed to be our angel. This was supposed to be our time. That was supposed to be Matthew Stafford leading the Lions to back to back wins early in the season to raise the hopes of fans everywhere, not Sam Bradford leading the Rams to glory. To hell with that shit. St. Louis, I am well aware of your tortured history with the Cardinals, but let's face it, they did you a favor when they decided to haunt Phoenix instead of your city. I am willing to bet that suicides were down in that peaceful decade after they left and before the Rams arrived. There probably weren't so many jumpers hurling themselves off the Arch or hanging themselves from it or traveling to East St. Louis, which as I understand it is akin to suicide. No. Instead, all you had to put up with was Mark McGwire injecting himself with Godzilla's blood and Hulk Hoganing his way to glory. Fuck that.

And then the Rams arrived and what did they do? Well, they promptly went out and won a Super Bowl and fielded a team that featured Kurt Warner, Marshall Faulk, Isaac Bruce, Torry Holt, Orlando Pace and later Stephen Jackson. To hell with your pain, St. Louis. You haven't earned this redemption yet. Your tears are weak and your blood is thin. You have not sacrificed enough to deserve this.

Those degenerate Rams have stolen our moment. They have stolen our hopes and our dreams and made them their own. They are living in our palaces, eating our food, drinking our wine, defiling our women. And what do we have? Cardboard boxes and the coyotes who patrol the streets. We are left eating the corpses of the dead, drinking their piss and defiling ourselves. Oh, the horror! The horror.

Alright, enough of all that. I have worked myself into a lather here and I should back off a moment before things get completely out of hand and I buy a bus ticket to St. Louis so I can horsewhip Tony Larussa or seduce Brenda Warner. But it's important to hate your opponent. Hate will make you strong. Don't listen to that midget Yoda. He is a coward and he died in a swamp in front of an idiot farm boy and a robot that couldn't even speak English. Embrace the dark side. Die in a huge explosion when people can't stand your bullshit any more. Fry your enemies with lightning from your fingers and choke the shit out of assholes without even touching them. Yes. Let it flow through you. Feel your anger, your self righteous rage. Let it make you strong.

Okay, I'm getting carried away again. The point is, is that I really, really want to beat the Rams. I'm actually surprised by how much I want this. I think it's born out of desperation really, out of a desire to not only avoid falling to 0-5, but also to restore some sort of cosmic balance, to remind the world that we deserve this more, that the Rams need to wait their turn.

Of course, no one gives a shit what we deserve and the world hates us. So, naturally, the Rams find themselves peeking over the horizon of a brave new world while we remain face down in a ditch, drowning in a pool of our vomit. How did this happen?

Everyone wants to talk about the Rams new golden boy, Sam Bradford, and yes, he has been as advertised, but the real story of the Rams resurgence lies in that tiny, tiny detail that we somehow always manage to fuck up: the defense. Yes, the Rams have managed to drag their withered husks back to respectability through the play of their defense. They are only allowing 13 points a game, which is 4th in the NFL and have yet to allow an opponent to score more than 17 points on them. Can you even imagine that shit? Can you even imagine how disorienting it would feel to watch the Lions pull that off game after game? No, of course you can't. And that is because we have been wallowing in a rancid pool of feces and broken dreams for far too long. We would celebrate if we could drag ourselves to 20th in the league. Forget about 4th. That shit is for fancy folk, like the Steelers or the Grimaldis of Monaco.

I would like to say that it's a mirage, but after four games, it's hard to discount the effectiveness of a defense that's given up only 4 touchdowns total. That's tied for 1st in the whole fucking universe and . . . why, oh Lord? Why?

The Rams have also managed to stop their opponents on third down 69.1% of the time, which is 5th in the league, have forced 10 turnovers, also 5th in the league, and have forced 18 negative rushing plays, which is 4th in the NFL.

Somehow, someway, the Rams have ridden dudes like Ron Bartell and retreads like Fred Robbins to these absurd heights. Hell, even James Hall has 4 sacks already. James Hall! Remember him? It's not fair.

You'll excuse me while I go sit in the corner and pout like a little boy. I am not handling this with dignity or class, but fuck it, that's hard to do when you've spent your life living in an orphanage and now you're all grown up and poor and hungry and dirty and living naked on the street while the kid who showed up at the orphanage after you managed to get adopted by some rich family and now spends his life eating fried gorilla penis and hunting albino giraffes or whatever the fuck it is that those people do. Yes, that's right, I just said I'd rather be eating fried gorilla penis than having to endure this trifling bullshit. And I'm a vegetarian. Lions fandom has driven me to the brink of madness and despair and Good God, I think my grasp on reality has been broken.

Breathe.

Okay. So the Rams kind of have it going on right now, but let's face it, it's not like they've been beating the hell out of the '85 Bears and pissing in Bart Starr's noble face on the way to a surefire playoff birth. No. They're 2-2, with wins over the Seahawks, who are probably awful and the Redskins, who are . . . well, they're the Redskins (see any of Raven Mack's fine lamentations for further info.) They lost to St. Louis' former paramour, the Cardinals, who right now look like they would get slaughtered by a team made up of retarded baboons and quadriplegic old ladies. And then they went out and lost to the Raiders. The Raiders! I mean, shit, never mind all that nonsense about numbers and defensive domination. That schedule is fucking abominable. Did someone in the Rams front office pay off the league's schedule maker? I mean . . . come on!

I realize I haven't talked much about Bradford, but look, we know the basic story here. The dude is a super talented future star. But he's also a rookie. We know how that shit goes. We just had one of our own. If he has to win the game for his team right now in his career . . . well, his team's in deep shit. He's been allowed to progress thanks to the defense and the putrid schedule and it will be interesting to see what he can do once he faces a real team.

Sadly, however, the Lions are just more of the same and the Rams probably figure that they can continue to bottle up the opposition while Bradford and Stephen Jackson (hey, you mean it helps to have a Pro-Bowl running back? Go figure.) do just enough to let the team escape with a victory.

But here's the thing. The Lions have done a remarkable job getting to the quarterback this season. The defensive line has provided pretty consistent pressure and that's against guys like Jay Cutler (okay, after last week, perhaps I shouldn't include him here), Brett Favre and Aaron Rodgers. Michael Vick was in there too but everyone sacks him so we won't count him. All of those dudes are very experienced and very good. Sam Bradford is neither. At least not yet. There is a very real chance that he will be ritually disemboweled by Ndamukong Suh and then Kyle Vanden Bosch will scalp him and run around the field wearing his scalp as a hat.

Meanwhile, I'm not really sure what to expect out of Stephen Jackson. It wouldn't surprise me to see the Lions focus on stopping Jackson and making the rookie Bradford beat them. After all, Jackson is good. He ran all over the Lions last year in what turned out to be the Rams' only win of the season (of course!) And so far, the Lions have looked vulnerable against the run. But it's weird, as the defensive line has actually looked dominant at times against the runs and for the most part, teams have either been stuffed at the line or ended up breaking a long one, which tells me that the Lions problems in stopping the run lie with the linebackers and the safeties. Obviously, DeAndre Levy's absence has been big so far this season, and Zack Follett probably shouldn't be starting. (I know, I know, everybody loves him, but come on, just because he's a Wild and Crazy Guy doesn't mean he's a NFL caliber starting linebacker. I love Steve Martin for the same reasons, but if he were lining up in our defense, I'd be a little worried, you know?)

The safeties, on the other hand, should be able to get the job done. Louis Delmas is a future star and C.C. Brown can come up and hit a dude even if he can't cover a receiver. Their strength should be in stopping the running game. It's possible that Delmas is trying to do too much out there right now. It happens with young players on bad defenses. They want to make a name for themselves and they end up running out of position trying to make a great play on every down. And let's not forget that Delmas hasn't been 100% this year.

Basically, I don't know. The Lions should be able to stop the run - I think they have the personnel for it - and then tee off on Sam Bradford when the Rams have to pass, but they haven't done it yet this season. Maybe they haven't been able to stop the run because they've been so focused on stopping the pass. I mean, look at that list of quarterbacks again - Cutler, Favre, Vick and Rodgers. Three of them are big time passers and the other one causes his own unique headaches with his legs and his arm. Basically, the Lions haven't had a chance to really focus on stopping the run as their primary objective this season so it'll be interesting to see how they do against Jackson and the Rams. My guess? They do a pretty good job and let Jackson free on one Whoops, What The Fuck Was That run.

Meanwhile, I think the Lions can crack the Rams defense. They have the perfect weapon to do so in Jahvid Best and if Shaun Hill can connect with Brandon Pettigrew and Tony Scheffler like he did last week, then the rest of the field should open up for Calvin Johnson to make plays. And let's not forget that Nate Burleson returns to the lineup, which gives Hill another weapon. One possible concern: Scheffler has been bothered by concussion like symptoms this week, so . . . yeah, he might not play. If he doesn't, then Will Heller will replace him, which is a problem because I think it's become obvious that a lot of the Lions passing attack is built around the two tight end system. They need both Pettigrew and Scheffler to be on the field in order to effectively move the ball. Heller is okay, but he's not a great receiver.

I hate to use the term "must-win game", but . . . well, yeah, it's a must-win game. The Lions are 0-4 and I might become violent and unreasonable if they fall to 0-5. Besides, there is the little matter of avenging last season's fiasco when the Rams won 17-10 after Stan Kwan was publicly pantsed by the Rams on a fake field goal that turned into a touchdown. We have done our part and sacrificed Kwan to the gods. He wept and blubbered like a baby, but Willie Young carried him into the fire and then returned with just a few shreds of Kwan's burned clothing. Willie told us that the offering was good and even though a dog later ran out with a piece of Stan's charred femur, Willie said it was only a temporary setback. He then hurled the dog and Kwan's bone back into the fire and the fire roared in approval and we knew that it was pleased. So, damn it all, we did our part.

Will the Lions win? The hell if I know. This season has already been strange and cruel and history tells me that I should not get my hopes up. But I am not a slave to history and I am blinded by self righteous fury and the world owes us even though it hates us.

FIVE NO DOUBT TERRIBLE PREDICTIONS

1. Best will have the first 100 yard rushing game of his career, running for 126 yards on 23 carries. He'll also catch 5 passes for 55 yards and will account for 2 touchdowns total.

2. Hill will complete 25-38 passes for 210 yards, two touchdowns and 1 interception.

3. Calvin Johnson will catch 6 passes for 95 yards and 1 touchdown. I will start calling him St. Calvin again in my head but will be too afraid to publicly re-anoint him here.

4. Bradford will complete 19 of 36 passes for 225 yards with 1 touchdown and 2 interceptions. He'll spend the game getting battered by the defensive line and will end up eating 4 sacks. Ndamukong Suh will end up getting penalized for losing his shit and smearing Bradford's blood all over his chest after stripping down to his waist for the second half. The refs will be too afraid to stop Suh as he plays the game half naked and racks up 2 sacks.

5. Jackson will run for 95 yards on 24 carries. He'll be mostly contained and after the game he will be forced to pay homage to The Great Willie Young, who will arrive on the field on a white horse carried by a team of midget strippers who are all at least distantly related to Don Juan de Austria, Willie's old friend and whoring companion.

PREDICTED FINAL SCORE: LIONS 24, RAMS 17