Hell yeah, bro. Do your thing. But I am disturbed by the look on the female lion's face. She looks so . . . ashamed I guess would be the right word. Maybe she regrets that she let someone film it and is worried about what her father will think when he sees this. Sure, sure, it's all fun now, but it won't be so fun for your dear old dad when he shows up to work and Bill in accounting is laughing his ass off and there are copies of this pic plastered all around the office. Yeah, your dad might be the best in the entire office at eviscerating a zebra, but shit, lady, the only thing people will think when they see him from now on is that you are out there letting strange lions get raw up in that ass. Have some self respect and please, think of your poor father's reputation even if you don't care about your own.I'm still feeling off and listless so again, if this post is a gigantic piece of shit, you'll know why. But, The Great Willie Young stopped by with a remedy he said he learned from the high priest of some remote village deep in the Congo and several hours later I woke up alone in the desert, sweating profusely while the spirits of the damned screamed and howled around me. I tried to move but couldn't. I just lay there, sweating and occasionally vomiting out the sickness until a purple stallion picked me up by the hair with his teeth and slung me onto his back. We rode for what felt like days and I passed out several times. When I awoke again, I was back in my bed. I looked at the clock and only one minute had passed, but I felt a little better. I chalked the whole thing up to a dream but there were hoofprints outside my door and I was covered in horse hair. True, that's not an unusual thing for me, but still, I choose to believe in the power of The Great Willie Young and so should you.
SPEAKING OF HORSES
Poor Jason Hanson is the old gray mare who ain't what she used to be. I had a teacher who used to sing that song in class for some insane reason and it has always stuck with me. I saw Ty make reference to it on Twitter and now I can't get the damn thing out of my head. It's clearly a damn conspiracy between Ty and my teacher, although my teacher may be dead now for all I know. Is it possible that Ty is communicating with my teacher from beyond the grave? Look, I just got back from a spiritual journey in which I was rescued by a magical horse, so anything is possible.
Anyway, enough of that nonsense. Jason Hanson. Poor, old Jason Hanson. I have already written a couple of eulogies for Old Man Hanson, which is kinda messed up since he's still playing and all. So I won't let this devolve into yet another sad goodbye to the man who once kicked the field goal that won the Civil War even though the Confederacy came within a finger tip of blocking the kick. But since they were all old white men, they didn't have the vertical jump and here we are.
But Jason Hanson is an old white man too, and it showed, perhaps more than it ever has before, when he left that 55 yard field goal woefully short at the end of the first half. This made me sad, as it always does whenever Hanson's advancing age is made obvious. For so long we believed that he could kick from anywhere, that nothing was beyond his range.
(Okay, I must break in here to note that when I say "we" I of course mean "I". It's just that I am so egocentric that I just assume that everyone always agrees with me and I'm shocked when they don't and I've been surprised to see people shaking their heads and calling Hanson "just the kicker" and dismissing him like he's just some turd that's easily replaceable. So, yeah, maybe I don't speak for all Lions fans here, but in this case, damn it, I should.)
Anyway, I love Jason Hanson and it makes me sad to see him struggle. But that's not really the point here. What I wanted to mention was after he made one of his four second half field goals, Hanson was due for some praise and the play by play announcer (I forget his name, so I'll just assume he was grown in a lab from an anal cyst of Joe Buck's. Wait . . . it wasn't Thom Brennaman, was it? I probably butchered the spelling of that name. But, come on, there is no H in Tom you son of a bitch.) responded by saying that Hanson was the Lions second round draft pick in 1991 (as a kicker!!!) and that he had proven to be one of the Lions best draft choices ever. That was nice and it made me happy. I love Hanson, what can I say?
But then Brian Billick, that crusty old asshole, decided to chime in and said something like "And that's part of the problem." Sigh.
Well, yeah. But shut up, Brian. That is our joke to make, the way that we deal with our pain. We don't need some shithead "offensive genius" whose offenses as a head coach were somewhere between nonexistent and laughable - remember Trent Dilfer? - and who rode Ray Lewis' crazy ass to the Super Bowl one year, to say that shit. It is not his. It is ours. Where is Johnny Morton to tell these dudes to kiss his ass when you need him?
TO GO OR NOT TO GO THAT IS THE QUESTION
So, for what feels like the 117th week in a row, I want to talk about Jim Schwartz and fourth down decisions. I actually said much of what I planned to say here in my post yesterday, so if you didn't read that, go read that one first. I'll wait. I'll even make a sandwich or alphabetize my collection of drain cleaners while you read.
Okay, take much of what I said there about playing it safe and apply that here. I'm a big proponent of going for it on 4th down whenever you're on your opponent's side of the 50. This becomes less of a choice to me when it's late in the 4th quarter and you're losing.
Against the Packers, the Lions had a 4th and 6 on the Packers 39 and trailed by 2 with about six minutes left. I really, really wanted Jim Schwartz to just go for it there. I though the opportunity was ripe and if they missed, well, giving the Packers the ball back at their own 39 wouldn't be a death sentence.
I understand his decision to punt. I really do. The Lions defense had not given up a point to the Packers in the second half (their only touchdown came courtesy of that interception by Charles Woodson) and there were still six minutes left. Surely, the team could get a stop. I also understand the concerns Schwartz probably had about his offense, concerns which have been echoed back to me by several of you in the last couple of weeks. The dude probably just doesn't trust his offense to execute in that sort of situation. I get all that. I do. I just don't really agree.
First of all, there comes a point where you just have to hold your breath and take a shot at winning. That was the Lions chance right there. That was their chance to reach out and take that damn thing for once. They were down by two points on the road as huge underdogs and the longer that damn game went on, and the more chances they gave the Packers, the more likely it would become that the Packers would be able to salt the game away - which is exactly what ended up happening. The Lions needed six yards. Six. At some point, you have to be able to trust your offense enough to pick that up for you, right?
As for the defense stopping Green Bay and there being six minutes left, well . . . not really. I mean, the reason why the Packers failed to score in the second half (The Woodson INT aside) was more a function of two things: the Lions offense controlling the clock and turnovers. The Packers couldn't score because they never had the ball. The Lions offense had managed to keep control of the ball via first down after first down (and really, shouldn't that have weighed more into the decision on whether to go for it or not?) and the Packers were beset by interceptions by Aaron Rodgers and fumbles by Jordy Nelson. When they did have the ball, the Packers were still able to move it. Basically, what I'm saying here is that on a final drive type of situation, a drive in which the Packers were much more likely to be cautious and avoid any turnovers, what ended up happening was entirely too predictable.
The turnovers that the Lions had thrived on in the second half were not really replicable events. And by that I mean that the Lions couldn't count on them to keep happening. If you base your defense's success off of that, you're dead. And again, the Packers had been able to move the ball throughout the game. They simply didn't have the ball enough and were killed by turnovers. So the success of the Lions defense was kind of a mirage. I don't want to discount it completely, because at the end of the day, the old cliche about the result being the only thing that matters is true, but when it comes to analyzing the risk vs. reward of going for it on 4th down, it matters.
All I'm saying is this: wouldn't it be easier to pick up six yards than have to punt, gain only 25 yards of field position at most, stop the Packers from moving the ball down the field and then go another 50 yards or so on offense all in under six minutes? I mean, I think the likelihood that the Lions pick up that six yards and the first down is greater than the likelihood that they could stop the Packers, get the ball back and then march back down the field in under six minutes. But that is where I and Jim Schwartz - and I'm sure many of you - differ in philosophy.
The Lions were the underdog and they weren't going to stop the Packers forever - and honestly their ability to stop the Packers to that point seemed almost accidental and illusory. You had to figure things would normalize sooner or later. In that situation, I think you have to maximize your opportunities. If you don't, you will lose the game. And that was an opportunity that the Lions let slip away.
With all that said, my main issue is not with Schwartz. It was a tough decision either way. It certainly wasn't a no-brainer to go for it and hell, it was his choice to make and he made it. Had it worked out differently, I might be applauding him for it. Often we judge right and wrong through the prism of history, after we already know the result. But in the moment, it's not so clear and I'd be a fool if I said that one decision was clearly, clearly better than the other. I just would have gone a different way, that's all. But, what I do take issue with is Billick or Brennaman or whoever the hell it was saying immediately after "Well, now the Lions have no choice but to punt."
What the hell is that horseshit? Of course you have a choice in that situation. It doesn't bother me so much that the choice was made the way it was made but that it was insinuated that there was no choice at all to be made. I'm willing to allow that people make different choices when certain conditions are present. All I'm asking is that they concede that there is at least a choice to be made. That shows intelligence and recognition and an understanding of what's going on in the game. Just saying "Fuck it, guess we gotta punt" is half-assed and dumb. I think that Schwartz made a choice. It was different than the choice I would have made. That's fine. Good for him. But it's the Billick's of the world (or the Brennaman's or Buck's anal cyst's of the world - I really should have paid more attention to who said it specifically, but I am just going off memory here and remember, I may have Gorilla Malaria so back off) who piss me off. It's Neanderthalic and vanilla and, well, bullshit. At least concede that there is a choice to be made. Don't act like you have to punt because that's what it says on Page 17 of Vince Lombardi's Coaching For Dummies.
TURNOVERS - WHAT, YOU MEAN WE CAN TAKE THE BALL AWAY TOO?
On a brighter note, it was nice to see the Lions actually come up with a few turnovers. The secondary intercepted a couple of passes and Jordy Nelson's special visor failed him and he coughed up two fumbles on kick returns and as was later stripped naked and whipped by a shirtless Captain Picard as punishment while Riker masturbated furiously in the corner. Boys will be boys, as they say. (Have I taken the Jordy Nelson = Geordi LaForge thing a little too far. I have? Okay.)
One of the many statistical absurdities that came out of the Year of Unnumbered Tears was that the Lions defensive backs managed to only intercept one damn pass. ONE! So to see them intercept multiple passes in the same game is almost unbelievable. Seriously, unless you live through something like the horrors of 0-16 and all that entailed, you can't quite fully appreciate how much joy comes from watching someone wearing your favorite team's uniform intercept a pass. I know it sounds stupid. Interceptions happen all the time. But not to us - well not for us anyway - and it is just one more sign that we are slowly becoming a real, live football team and not just a national punchline.
Anyway, there is a bird chirping at me and I think he might be trying to tell me something, so I think I should go. He might be a messenger from Willie Young and I have to listen to these things because I'm a professional and I have a responsibility to the truth. Vaya con dios and I will be back tomorrow with another tale from The Adventures of Willie Young.
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