The Adventures Of The Great Willie Young: The Black Dragon, Part II

Confucius or Wu Pei? Or is that the same dude? Whoa, did I just blow your mind?

If you missed it, Part 1 of The Great Willie Young’s epic journey through medieval China

The Great Willie Young and his friend, the Chinese mystic, Wu Pei, set off down the road that led to a monastery, hidden deep in the mountains, where the corrupt Buddhist monk, Li Xao had imprisoned Wu Pei’s daughter, the beautiful Yi Xian Shu Guang. All we know of this journey is that it lasted several weeks, largely because Wu Pei and Willie were constantly distracted by peasant women who would tempt them with the promise of a home cooked meal and, uh, other things.

It has been speculated by scholars and historians that these women were placed as sleeper agents in these peasant villages by Li Xao because he knew that one day both Wu Pei and The Great Willie Young would come to exact their revenge for his duplicitous ways. We cannot confirm this, but records from that era seem to indicate that the women who managed to get Wu Pei and Willie to stray from their journey were of unusual beauty, and this has led some historians to further speculate that they were, therefore, slaves belonging to Li Xao, members of his own personal harem whom he had imported from various regions of China. It’s possible – quite probable, in fact – that if this were the case, then all of these women would have spoken different dialects and would have struggled to communicate with Wu Pei and The Great Willie Young (Even though both men had a mastery of tongues, due to their many collective adventures, they were reluctant to reveal this as they feared, quite naturally, that they would be branded as male witches or demons or whatever the boogie man of the day happened to be.) This would have made things drastically easier for Wu Pei and Willie. They could have figured out that these women were not native and were planted there to distract them from their duties. But, sadly, neither man was really interested in doing much talking. The only words that were usually spoken by these peasant women were the screams of bliss that would pierce the night, frightening the other villagers who thought that they were being attacked by the shrieking ghosts of their dead enemies. Like I said, Wu Pei and The Great Willie Young both had a mastery of tongues.

By the time the two friends arrived at the foot of the mountain upon which Li Xao’s monastery sat, they were said by the chronicles we recovered to be critically weakened, “drained of all precious fluids”, and “walking bowlegged, like two great crabs split apart for the succulence of their meat.” We cannot know just what these mysterious words mean. Perhaps they were the result of some evil spell wrought by the fiendish Li Xao, but what we do know is that in later years, The Great Willie Young would never speak of those torturous days again. His eyes would go glassy and he would just shiver and mutter things like “Even the grandmothers . . .” and “insatiable”, and “Good God, they were everywhere, like horny little fire ants.”

But they still had a mountain to climb, a daughter to save, and an evil monk to vanquish. So the two men rested and set up a camp at the base of the mountain. We know from accounts from this era that Li Xao was aware of their presence and he reportedly sent more of his harem to tempt the two friends. But this tactic backfired on him, as Wu Pei reportedly turned these ladies into chickens and pigs, which were then slaughtered by The Great Willie Young, and the two men feasted, and thus regained their strength.

Li Xao fumed in his monastery, and would often take to beating his slaves. The only one he would never touch was the beautiful daughter of Wu Pei. It is believed that this wasn’t out of any sense of honor or morality, but rather because Li Xao had fallen in love with the beautiful young woman. In his own twisted way, he had grown to adore her, worshipping her beauty both to her face and in whispered prayers in his own quarters, when he believed that he was alone. But he wasn’t alone, for Wu Pei had managed to enchant the whole of the mountain, and Li Xao’s whispered prayers echoed down the mountainside to Wu Pei and appeared to him in a dream.

Wu Pei was troubled, and yet strangely relieved. Obviously, his daughter was being treated well – Li Xao was so twisted that the ideas of love and sex were completely antithetical. To him, Yi Xian Shu Guang was a delicate flower, never to be touched, never to be violated by even his own heathen hands, and, uh, other body parts. And so he kept her, like a precious figurine, locked in her glass case, and he would permit none to see her but him. He would bring her food and drink and fresh clothing and he would even sit for hours and read to her dreadful poetry. For her part, Yi Xian would smile and thank him for his kindness, but deep inside, she longed to be free, and a part of her, a part that kept her spirit alive and which she had never forgotten, remembered the face of her father’s old friend, the man the rest of the members of the royal court called the Black Dragon. They would whisper his name with revered awe. Even his enemies respected his immense power, and they would cast their eyes to the ground in fear and shame whenever his name was mentioned. But to Yi Xian Shu Guang, his face was one of merriment and laughter, of comfort and joy.

She had last seen the Black Dragon only a couple of years before, following her nineteenth birthday. Her father and the Dragon had just returned from a brutal campaign to subdue the barbarian tribes of Western China, and while her father immediately attended to various affairs of state – both the affairs of the nation, and, uh, other affairs – the Black Dragon returned to his home, where he rested. Yi Xian was amazed. After all, this man who had been by her father’s side for over 20 years appeared no older than 23 or 24. She watched him from afar and would often marvel when he would appear outside of his villa, shirtless, where he would do calisthenics and lift crude barbells he had fashioned from bamboo and the bones of his enemies.

This went on for weeks, until finally, one day, Yi Xian Shu Guang got up the courage to approach the Black Dragon. He was sweaty, half naked, and his dark skin gleamed underneath the hot sun. He looked to her more like a Black Diamond than a Black Dragon and this is what she called him in her head – the Black Diamond, her Black Diamond. She spoke of it to no one but a lone servant who had been with her since birth.

When she approached him, Willie just sighed. He knew this day was coming from the moment he had returned with Wu Pei. He had seen her out there, every day, watching from underneath an umbrella held by her faithful servant. Even amongst the throng of ladies from the court who all watched him during his workouts, she stood out. While the rest catcalled and made suggestive hand movements, she just stood, quiet, and watched. It made him a little uncomfortable. He was used to the attention from women – he was The Great Willie Young after all – but he was more used to the aggressive come-ons typical of the other ladies of the court. He could tune these out, or he could accept their advances at his pleasure, but she was something different, something that burrowed deep into his mind. She came to him after everyone else had left and she just smiled and took his hand. The two of them walked for hours in his garden. They didn’t say much to each other, but they didn’t have to. They understood each other without words. When she left him to return to the palace, he felt an emptiness he had never felt before. It haunted him. When he would close his eyes at night to sleep, he would see her eyes, staring at him, burning with an intensity that he knew was rare in the world. He wouldn’t speak of it, and attempted to ignore it – she was the daughter of his old friend after all, but he could not hold it all in. It was consuming him – she was consuming him – and so on one late night, after having gotten drunk on honey wine, Willie spilled his guts to a house boy he thought was a mute. The boy just nodded dumbly and waited for Willie to pass out before he ran home to his mother, who just happened to be the servant of the young Yi Xian Shu Guang. He related his tale to her and the old woman was troubled. She alone knew of the feelings of her mistress, and now she knew that the same fire burned within the Black Dragon. But she had sworn to Wu Pei that she would keep Yi Xian pure and virtuous and had made a special promise to not allow her to consort with Wu Pei’s own friend, The Great Willie Young, the Black Dragon.

And so the old lady formulated a plan to keep the two apart, suggesting to Wu Pei late one night after he had returned home following an exhausting day of, uh, conducting state business that she take his daughter on a trip to a small village which rested on the edge of the great ocean, where the old lady had family. Wu Pei sighed and realized that his daughter was growing up and that she would be anxious to spread her wings. He was no fool, and so he agreed, on the condition that each male member of the village was castrated. For their trouble, each man would be admitted to the court as a royal eunuch and the families would live their lives in relative ease and luxury. The old lady agreed, so desperate was she to keep Yi Xian Shu Guang, who was like a daughter to her, away from the Black Dragon. She knew of his amorous ways, and she also knew that Wu Pei would have her and her son killed if she failed in her duties.

And so The Great Willie Young awoke one morning and proceeded to his courtyard, which he had turned into a makeshift gym. He began to work out – after all, he had a game coming up in a couple of weeks against those heathen Redskins (let’s not forget that time is irrelevant to a man like Willie Young. It passes to him in ways that you and I could not comprehend.) – and sure enough, it wasn’t long before a crowd of eager women had gathered to watch. He ignored their giggles and scandalous come-ons – some of these women were the wives of his own generals after all, although, to be honest, that didn’t always stop him – and waited to see the face of Yi Xian Shu Guang underneath her umbrella. It was the only thing he thought of anymore. But she never came. She was gone, having left just that morning with her servant for her trip.

Willie was devastated, but he had been around a long, long time and he chastised himself for behaving like a silly schoolboy, and so he buried his feelings deep in his heart, and he buried, uh, other parts of himself in, uh, other places in a vain attempt to forget her face. But he couldn’t, and so he soon urged Wu Pei, his old friend, to ride with him once again to the Western Desert, where a new barbarian tribe had begun to cause trouble. Wu Pei, bored by the affairs of court, readily agreed and the two men set off to once again keep the Chinese Kingdom safe from the barbarian hordes.

It was while they were on this campaign that the emperor had fallen under the sway of The Society of the Magic Sun, as was explained in Part 1, which as we saw led to Wu Pei and the Great Willie Young being abandoned by their own army. It was also during this time that the emperor had taken Yi Xian Shu Guang from her home and sold her to Li Xao in order to humiliate Wu Pei, his old friend and teacher. As we saw, Wu Pei got his revenge on the emperor, but his work was not yet finished, not while his daughter was still locked away by the nefarious Li Xao.

But as we have seen, Li Xao was not about to let Yi Xian Shu Guang go. He had fallen under her spell, as all men did, and he was prepared to do anything and everything to keep her from Wu Pei and the Black Dragon, even if that meant destroying the whole world. It would seem that Li Xao had acquired a magic weapon, sold to him by a mysterious Russian (this Russian, by the way, is believed to be none other than the infamous Rasputin, who, it is believed by several scientists, including Stephen Hawking, is a member of the same mysterious fraternity of immortals to which The Great Willie Young and Wu Pei belong.) This weapon was reputed by scholars of the time to be able, with the press of a button to “unmake reality, to void the whole of the world and to eliminate all trace of consciousness.” As Stephen Hawking said, after I pried him away from his assistant, Miss Tila Tequila, “that’s some pretty heavy shit, man.” Indeed.

And so the stage was set for a final showdown between Wu Pei and his friend, The Black Dragon, The Great Willie Young and the despicable Li Xao. It all began with a deep rumble, as the mountain came to life when Wu Pei and Willie began to climb it. It would seem that Li Xao had also enchanted the mountain with his own dark magic, causing it to reject any unwanted visitors. But Wu Pei and The Great Willie Young were no ordinary men, as we have seen time and time again. The Great Willie Young stood up and glared at the mountain. The mountain trembled before him and then seemed to shrink. Willie punched the mountain one time, a stiff uppercut. The mountain wailed, a hideous sound that terrified the local villagers, and which caused all in the monastery, including Li Xao, to drop to their knees in fear and agony. The mountain then buckled, groaned and died. From there, The Great Willie Young and Wu Pei scaled its corpse with ease until finally, they were at the door of Li Xao’s monastery.

Of course, Li Xao was no fool and so when they arrived at his door, Wu Pei and The Great Willie Young were met by upwards of a thousand armed guards, each one of them an elite soldier trained from birth by Li Xao for this moment. They came in waves, furious and deadly, but one by one, they were beaten and slain by The Great Willie Young while Wu Pei stood patiently, his arms folded, content with the sure knowledge that his friend would win the day. And sure enough, Li Xao watched in horror as his soldiers were all beaten and he mourned each one as he watched their corpses slide limply down the mountain’s face.

And then, it was just Willie Young, Wu Pei and the great door, made from enchanted oak, the great door which was the only thing standing between them and Li Xao. Despite their great powers, neither Wu Pei nor The Great Willie Young could penetrate the door (ironic, because, well, they were both experts when it came to penetration, amirite?) and the two men began to despair while Li Xao laughed hideously from his tower high above. But this was Li Xao’s fatal mistake. The sound of his voice enraged Wu Pei, who began to chant with a fury that even stunned his friend, The Great Willie Young. The whole of the mountain – really, the whole of the Earth – began to shake, the skies blackened and the winds howled, screaming a mournful tune which caused Li Xao to fall again to his knees in fear.

The great oak door began to crack, until finally, with a terrible clamor, it exploded into a million tiny pieces. Wu Pei slumped to the earth, having spent all of his powers, and then he looked up and wept when he saw that behind the oak door sat a great steel barrier. Once again, the laughter of Li Xao spilled down to Wu Pei and the Black Dragon, mocking them for their failure. Wu Pei just sat helpless, his breath ragged, his spirit crushed. The Great Willie Young rushed forward and beat upon the great steel barrier, which refused to give. It had also been enchanted, reputedly by none other than the mystical Russian who had sold Li Xao the magic weapon. It was then that for the first time – and the only time – in his life, that Willie’s shoulders slumped with defeat. He looked to the heavens and begged for an answer.

But nothing came except for the howling of the wind. Willie sighed and looked at his beaten friend. He closed his eyes and once again, just as he always did, he saw the face of his beloved Yi Xian Shu Guang. And then, he heard her voice. At first, it was soft and delicate, barely heard, and he wondered if his mind was abandoning him. But then, the voice became louder, stronger, and yet no less delicate, and he realized that what he was hearing was the mournful song of Yi Xian Shu Guang calling out to him from high above. Willie suddenly felt a great surge of power and with a mighty roar, a roar that echoed through every corner of the globe – a roar that was said to have destroyed cities and toppled whole cultures as far away as Central America – Willie charged the steel barrier, which gave before his mighty presence and exploded into dust. Wu Pei just stared with amazement and knew, with both great joy and with trouble in his heart, that The Great Willie Young loved his daughter.

The two men charged into the monastery where they were met by more of Li Xao’s flunkies. They beat each man to death with their bare hands and charged towards the great citadel in the middle of the monastery, a great tower that extended into the clouds and which from, according to legend, the wise could see heaven. There, The Great Willie Young and Wu Pei were stymied once again. The tower had no door – at least not on the outside. It was accessible only from the inside, from a series of tunnels which ran from secret passages underneath the main building of the monastery through a secret door in the floor of the tower. The Great Willie Young and Wu Pei desperately searched for a way in, but they could not find one. The surface of the tower was as smooth as [redacted for absurd levels of indecency] and once again it appeared that they were defeated by the cunning of Li Xao.

And once again, the laughter of Li Xao came to them from high above, mocking them with its cruelty. But once again, his laughter was met by the beautiful voice of Yi Xian Shu Guang. Her singing once again stoked the fires of The Great Willie Young’s heart. He set his jaw and gritted his teeth and told Wu Pei to climb on his back. Wu Pei did as he was told and then The Great Willie Young began to shimmy his way up the tower despite the fact that there were no hand or footholds.

Li Xao recoiled with horror and began to panic. He rushed into Yi Xian Shu Guang’s room and begged her to stop her singing. But she wouldn’t. Instead, her voice only grew louder and Li Xao began to weep, both because of his great love – twisted though it was – and because he knew that he was doomed. All that was left to him was his last resort, his magical weapon which would cause them all to cease to exist. He would not have Yi Xian Shu Guang. He knew this now, but at least this way, no one else would have her either.

He raced back to his chambers and he uncovered the weapon. He stared for a long moment at the button and then cursed everyone from Buddha to the sun and the moon. He closed his eyes and pressed the button and in that moment, the truths of the universe were revealed to him and he knew of the power of The Great Willie Young and he knew that he had failed, for The Great Willie Young is one with the universe, and it protects him as he protects it, and so the weapon failed. Whether this is because it had bad parts or because the Russian mystic had ripped Li Xao off is immaterial. The universe willed it, and therefore it was.

Li Xao crumpled to his knees, beaten. He looked up just in time to see Wu Pei standing above him, chanting. Li Xao knew what was next and he gave into his fate. Within moments, he was a lowly goat. He bleated one mournful time and then was whipped viciously by The Great Willie Young. The goat then ran and jumped out of the window of his high tower and plummeted to his death far below. To this day, legend has it that you can hear a mournful bleating if the wind is just right and that nothing will grow on the spot where Li Xao’s goat corpse landed. The villagers reportedly left the corpse to rot under the sun until one day, it had vanished, and was believed by them to have been dragged down to hell.

Wu Pei sank to his knees and looked at his old friend. He did not want him to be with his only daughter (well, at least that he knew of), but he knew that it was a hopeless fight. The Great Willie Young just stared back at him. He would not relent. He loved Yi Xian Shu Guang. And besides, Wu Pei had been partially responsible for his mother’s death. He didn’t owe him anything. Wu Pei knew this too, and he just looked away. The Great Willie Young knew that this was the lone sign of acceptance he would get from Wu Pei and so without a word, he rushed to the room of Yi Xian Shu Guang, and the two embraced, and then [redacted for gross indecency.]

Later, it would be revealed that Yi Xian Shu Guang’s mother had been a spirit of fire, a fallen angel who had escaped from hell when she fell in love with Wu Pei. She had repented of her sins and the moment she gave birth to her beautiful daughter, she dissolved into nothingness, and her spirit was taken back by the heavens. Her daughter was therefore not wholly human, and it would seem that all men were destined to fall in love with her as her mother’s penance. It was a great curse that nearly destroyed the whole world. And yet, The Great Willie Young’s love was not controlled by fate or by curse, but by the will of his own heart, and it was the power of this great love which shattered the curse and which saved the world.

The two would eventually marry and The Great Willie Young stayed with her until she grew old and died (Although, to be fair, this wasn’t much of a sacrifice given Willie’s mastery of time.) It was said that they retired together into the mists of the very mountains where they finally came together (pun not intended?) There, it is said by the accounts of the local villagers, they reigned as king and queen and had several children, children who later would go on to each sire a great family line of their own. One of these is believed to be the ancestor of none other than Douglas Chu, a personal friend of this very historian.

And so ends the tale of Wu Pei, his daughter and the Black Dragon, The Great Willie Young.