Apparently, He Was a Good Man

So they fired him. Big damn deal. The fact that this was even apparently up for debate as the season drew to a close is evidence enough of how enormously and irreparably screwed up the Detroit Lions are as an organization.

Rod Marinelli was a terrible coach, just awful, and no matter how often people tried to sugar coat it by explaining over and over and over and over again that he was a good man who never quit on his players, blah blah blah, it doesn't obfuscate the fact that when it came to the singularly most important thing about being a professional football coach - winning the damn games - he was an utter and complete failure.

Of course, dumb columnists and stupid talking heads are obsessed with creating a narrative for every story, something concise and banal enough to be easily repeated and printed without any real thought going into it. It happens every time a story breaks about virtually any topic. Event happens, those who are paid to explain said event mine the story for the simplest, most linear explanation of what happened, they repeat this explanation, no matter how distorted, until they create a fucked up alternate reality where said simple, linear explanation is the inarguable truth, and everyone moves on without actually talking about what really happened. This happens all the time, with big events and with small events. Now, the firing of a football coach is a decidedly small event in the grand scheme of things, but that doesn't mean that I'm not annoyed and pissed off by how retarded the storyline that has been thrown out there happens to be.

Apparently, Rod Marinelli is a good, honest, hard working man who, given a decent situation with at least a modicum of talent can be a heckuva football coach. But, unfortunately for poor Rod, he was placed in an impossible situation in Detroit. for goodness' sake, even Vince Lombardi combined with Don Shula, Bill Walsh and Jesus would have lost with this team! Poor Rod, it's too bad he had to take the fall for what went on.

Oh, just fuck right on off with that weak ass bullshit. Good God. Has everyone gone retarded? Rod Marinelli might be the single biggest reason why this team went from bad to historically awful, why they were toiling in mediocrity one season and were ushering in the apocalypse the next.

Now I know that everyone wants to blame Matt Millen, and yeah, fuck that dude. He was a horrible, horrible general manager and with him at the helm the Lions were never going to go anywhere. And when everyone is done blaming Millen they want to blame the Fords for keeping Millen for so long and for not bringing in a dynamic new personnel guy like that caveman looking dude in Atlanta. That's cool, the Fords are horrible owners, and their history of letting shitty executives hang around is abominable. But the Fords and Matt Millen combined to produce a team that was going to go 5-11 or 6-10 every year. The Lions went 0-16, and I don't think people truly understand what a quantum leap that really is. 5-11 and 6-10 every year is a painfully bad team, a franchise who aspire to mere mediocrity, easily forgotten and dismissed. 0-16 is the WORST TEAM IN HISTORY, a team who everyone remembers, and will remember FOREVER. They are not just bad, they are the Hitler of NFL teams. That is how bad these turds are in comparison to everyone else. The past decade they have just been the incompetent petty banana republic dictator who everyone laughs about and then forgets once he is killed by some ambitious army colonel. This year they became something awful, something so odious that no one who follows football will ever forget. That is how godawful they are this year: THEY HAVE ME YAMMERING ON ABOUT DICTATORS, NAZIS AND HITLER FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

So, you'll forgive me if I don't forget that Rod Marinelli was the head coach for a team that went 7-9 last year, started 6-2 and had a legit shot at the playoffs for the majority of the season, only to go 0-16 the next season. Last season, the Lions had a prolific offense and a porous defense. The offense could keep them competitive, even if it wasn't the most efficient, and the defense, while bad, could still come up with the occasional big play, due largely to the team's one blue chip defender, Shaun Rogers. The Lions absolutely beat the shit out of Denver last year using this formula and managed to beat six other teams as well and probably should have won at least a couple of more games. They weren't good, but there was something there to build off of at least. But because they did better than they have at any other time in this woeful decade, Rod Marinelli earned himself some credibility and the right to reshape the team more in his image.

So out went the freewheeling passing attack of Mike Martz that was the one thing the Lions were good at. They could throw the ball and they could score. But, you see, according to Marinelli that wasn't the right way to win. No, you had to run the ball and control the clock. Never mind that going into the season the Lions' offensive line was as bad as it's always been and that the Lions lacked a single running back who wasn't a rookie or an underwear thief, they were going to play some hard nosed, smash mouth football damn it, because that's how you do things in Rod Marinelli's world.

Also out was big Shaun Rogers. Yeah, Shaun was lazy, and was kind of a degenerate but he was also the only player on the defense worth a damn. But he didn't carry that lunch pail that Rod Marinelli wanted and so he was out even though the Lions didn't have anybody to replace him, with the exception of a wildly overpaid player who had played about a half dozen good games in his career and a cast of retreads and career backups. But never mind that shit! No, the Lions needed to be a bunch of no nonsense hard workers. Talent? Pssh, that shit's for flash in the pan hotdoggers. You'll never win with that.

So, the one thing the Lions had going for them on offense and the one thing they had going for them on defense were both suddenly gone, leaving them with . . . well, leaving them with 0-16. And both decisions are ones that can be laid right at the feet of Rod Marinelli.

He is a good man, and really, who gives a shit? He does a job where he goes out and screams at a bunch of millionaires and poor, weekend warrior referees every weekend. His job includes making people run and telling people to hit some other people all so they can win a game. What part of that has anything to do with being a good man? You either win or you lose and that's all there is. Rod Marinelli believed in his system and his system was a failure. That's just the way it is. The blame is his and that's also the way it is. If you want to be given credit for being a good man go work with children or the homeless. Change somebody's life for the better. But last time I checked no one was patting Jimmy Johnson on the back for being a kind and profoundly decent man. No one is waxing poetic about Bill Belichick and the dignity with which he lives his life. Because it doesn't matter, not in the NFL. 0-16. That matters. And that's the only storyline anyone should care about here.

Diary of Infinite Pain

Okay, so I figured that it might be interesting to do a sort of diary/running commentary on today’s historic game. It might turn out to be an epic disaster but it might be entertaining for you jackals to share my misery on a more immediate level than normal.

12:34: I usually don’t watch the pre-game shows, as I desire my sanity, but for some reason here I am today, watching this bullshit. Terry Bradshaw is doing his Terry Awards. DeMarcus Ware says he would murder Terry if he still played, Troy Polamalu sounds shockingly, uh, I don’t wanna say womanish, but…well, and James Harrison doesn’t give a fuck. Meanwhile, Tony Dungy says he’ll have an orange juice. God, could there be a more boring coach? I bet Belichik would celebrate by murdering a pair of hookers and then drinking their blood. Also, Terry Bradshaw just said hi to his mom in the Louisiana State Pen. And I’m not sure whether he was being serious or just making a bizarre joke. It was weird.

12:38: They just showed a montage of teams around the league getting hyped up in the huddle, and when they showed the Packers, they broke their huddle by shouting 0-16. Those fuckers. That is just brutally cruel.

12:42: They are talking about the Cowboys now, and they just showed a highlight of Jimmy Johnson getting beaned by a snowball and a battery in Philly. Everyone laughed.

12:43: I just want to say that I hope the Cowboys lose just because the Lions get their first round pick. Also, because fuck the Cowboys.

12:45: Jay Glazer just said Rod Marinelli will probably be fired, which should be a no brainer, but unfortunately, well who the hell knows what the Fords will decide to do, especially since Old Man Ford has already said the front office is safe.

12:46: Oh God, they are gonna show the best of Frank Caliendo. I am muting this shit. They did say that Frank will still be around for a couple more years and everyone in the studio moaned.

12:49: Curt just made a dumb joke and everyone treated him like the village idiot, which is pretty bad when Terry Bradshaw is sitting right next to him.

12:52: Jimmy Johnson is talking about playoff preparation. Playoffs? What is that? Okay, that’s not fair, the Lions were only ten wins away or so from a Wild Card spot. So close!

12:54: The game is only minutes away from starting and it kinda feels like we are only moments away from the prison guard opening the cell door and saying it’s time to a death row inmate.

12:55: By the way, I have a cold, which makes this whole thing that much more awful.

12:56: Chris Rose and John Lynch are the announcers. Chris Rose is pretty okay, and I don’t think I’ve ever heard John Lynch announce. I didn’t even know he was retired yet. Lynch just said the Lions need to get the ball to Calvin Johnson, and, well, yeah.

12:58: It looks cold, but not too cold, which is okay I suppose.

1:01: There is something especially cruel about making us put up with commercials from Ford.

1:05: Okay, it does look pretty cold. At least it’s not snowing. 22 degrees, with a wind chill of 10.

1:07: Jesus, Jordy Nelson just returned the opening kick into Lions territory. Hey, just like last week. But we came back in that game, and…oh, oh God, that’s right, I remember now. SHIT.

1:09: Chris Rose just said the Lions problems have been in the secondary. No Chris, the Lions problems cannot be laid on one group.

1:10: Aaron Rodgers just had one of those weird fumbles where it flies out of his hand backwards setting up a 2nd and 34 which is something I guess.

1:11: The Packers pussed out and did a handoff draw on 3rd and 20. Oh shit, they’re going for it on 4th and 12.

1:12: The Lions managed to stop Donald Driver about three yards short of the first down. That was a weird first series for the Packers. But hey, what the hell, at least they didn’t score. Small miracles and all that I suppose.

1:14: Two runs from Kevin Smith set up 3rd and 6, but of course the Lions can’t convert. Orlovsky’s arm looked pretty good on the incompletion though, so hey, there is that.

1:15: Will Blackmon runs all over the place and dodges a bunch of dudes on the punt return just to pick up one yard.

1:17: Man, when did Tim Roth start to look so old?

1:18: John Lynch just said the word pocket about 12 times and by the end the word was like a tongue twister to him.

1:19: Oh Jesus. Deshawn Wynn just had a 73 yard touchdown run down the sideline. It was just a simple pitch, the Packers set up a wall and the Lions defense looked slow and stupid. BIG SHOCKER THERE.

1:20: Oh man, so Clint Eastwood’s new movie is about him being basically a geriatric Dirty Harry? Okay, cool.
1:21: Even the creepy Fox robot seems depressed. I don’t blame you dude.

1:22: Rod Marinelli looks confused. It won’t be the last time today I am sure.

1:23: Man, I hate it when they go to commercial, come back, run the kickoff and then go back to more commercials. What the hell is that weak ass shit?

1:24: Oh man, this thing is going to be a monster. I wonder what the word count will end up being.

1:25: Orlovsky was almost intercepted on a deep ball.

1:26: Damn it. Orlovsky just got sacked on 3rd on 4. Coverage sack and Orlovsky couldn’t get out in time.

1:27: Chris Rose just said “What fun is 15-0?” while talking about Marinelli’s motivational skills. You dumb bastard, that is just mean. IT’S A WHOLE LOT MORE FUN THAN 0-15 YOU ASS.

1:29: Oh man, Greg Jennings just dropped a deep pass. He had Leigh Bodden burned too. He dropped one earlier too.

1:30: Oh hey, Ernie Sims just made a play against the run. I wish that would have been there all year.

1:31: Another drop by a Packers receiver. Ruvell Martin was wide open too. I guess we will take it.

1:32: Total Yards: Packers 97, Lions 6. Yup.

1:32: Damn it. Now Calvin Johnson is dropping passes. 3rd and 8.

1:33: Casey Fitzsimmons caught one, but it looks like he is about half a yard short. They are near midfield though, so maybe they’ll go for it. Yup, they are.

1:34: It looks like they pick it up, but it turns out the Lions called timeout before the play. Of course. And Marinelli is bitching at the ref. Who knows what the hell about.

1:36: Kevin Smith picks up the first down. Of course, Orlovsky throws an interception on the very next play. For fuck’s sake. He just overthrew Calvin Johnson and put it right in Charles Woodson’s hands.

1:37: Oh man, Donald Driver just got the ball down inside the Lions 25.

1:38: 20 yard run by Ryan Grant down inside the 5. Shit. This is already getting bad.

1:39: The Packers have an injured man. It’s Scott Wells, their center. Of course that means more commercials. Joy.

1:41: Jennings just dropped another one at the goal line. Tough ball to catch, but he still should have had it.

1:42: Touchdown, Packers. A little fade to Jermichael Finley. Packers are up 14-0 and this shit is looking bad.

1:44: It’s weird. The Packers are probably the best team in the NFC North but they are only 5-10. I would take them against either the Vikings or the Bears.

1:45: It’s windy enough that the Packers have to do that thing on the kickoff where a dude holds the ball because it won’t stay on the tee.

1:46: Kevin Smith is making a run at 1,000 yards in this game, but I don’t think he’s gonna get it. He needs a little over 100 yards and they are already down by 14. I think they’ll be forced to air it out. Poor dude, he is one of only a couple of guys who I want to still be around next year.

1:47: Al Harris just slapped around Gosder Cherilus, drawing a personal foul, but man, that was embarrassing for Cherilus. He just got his ass kicked by a little dude. Lennie Small would never let that happen. I’m just saying.

1:50: Well, the first quarter is in the books, and well, it could have gone better.

1:51: The announcers are making fun of Cherilus now.

1:52: Total yardage for the first quarter: Packers 138, Lions 29. It’s a Lions game, that is for sure.

1:53: By the way, I am not spellchecking or factchecking or checking anything here, so forgive any dumb mistakes please.

1:54: Orlovsky was almost picked again. 4th down, they are in Packers territory, but they’re going for it again. Complete to Keary Colbert for the first down. Hey, how about that.

1:56: Uh oh LB, the Vikings are up 10-0 on the Giants.

1:57: 1st and goal, and Kevin Smith gets dropped for a loss.

1:58: Orlovsky throws it away and gets drilled. He’s up though. I think Calvin Johnson ran the wrong route.

1:59: Orlovsky to Calvin Johnson on a fade route on 3rd and goal. TOUCHDOWN! He barely got his feet in. Man, I love Calvin Johnson.

1:59: I’m kinda surprised that the Packers didn’t challenge that. I’m glad they didn’t though. Not because I think that it would have been overturned but because that shit takes forever. 14-7 Packers. Come on you turds.

2:02: Kickoff is a roller that squibs around and the Lions tackle Will Blackmon inside his own ten. Hey, good job dudes. And damn it, another one of those 1 play and back to commercials deals.

2:05: Man, I know Aaron Rodgers has gotten some shit because he isn’t Brett Favre and the Packers have disappointed this season, but he’s got a shot at 4,000 yards and in the two games against the Lions he has looked like Johnny Unitas combined with Jesus and Moses. I know, I know, it is the Lions, but still.

2:07: Damn it, the Packers have already gotten the ball inside Lions territory. Way to step up defense.

2:08: 3rd and about 2 coming up. The pitch play has worked well for the Packers so far. Oh shit, another drop for the Packers. Finley had his man beat and dropped it. They want a flag but aren’t gonna get it. Will they go for it? No, they’re punting. Pussies. The punt lands inside the ten though so maybe it was a good decision. Nah, they should have gone for it.

2:11: Oh man, Jack Bauer being grilled by Clarence Boddicker.

2:12: Jesus. The Lions can’t even complete a one yard slant. In fact, Orlovsky was almost picked again.

213: 3rd and 2, and Smith picks it up. He’s almost half way to 100 so maybe he’ll get to a thousand after all.

2:13: Quick hitch to Calvin for six yards. Good. Get him the damn ball. Of course, Smith is buried for a loss on the next play. Kampman and Woodson on the blitz put him down as soon as he got the ball.

2:14: 3rd and 8 and YES. Calvin Johnson with the catch and run for 36 yards. He makes it look so easy. 6’5”, 4.3 speed, what a freak.

2:15: Oh man, Marinelli’s record as a head coach: 10-37. Yeah, he deserves one more year. Jesus.

2:16: 3rd and ten. Damn it. Colbert drops one. Good throw by Orlovsky too. Punt is downed at the five. Adam Jennings just kept it from going into the endzone. Otherwise it would have been a touchback and only a 20 yard net punt.

2:18: Greg Jennings finally catches one at the 30. Damn it all.

2:19: Rodgers is flushed out of the pocket, and they call holding. Pretty obvious hold too.

2:20: Two minute warning is here and the Lions are still in it. Come on you bastards.

2:21: Apparently Taco Bell could only afford Darryl Dawkins and Vlade Divac for their commercial. At that point why bother? I mean, what, was Roy Tarpley too expensive?

2:23: Cliff Avril with the sack on 2nd and long. Avril has looked pretty decent as a rookie, so maybe he can be kept from the massacre that needs to happen after the season.

2:24: They stop the Packers and what the fuck? Marinelli doesn’t call a timeout. God damn it, now the Lions get the ball inside the fifteen with 22 seconds left. What the hell? Jesus, what a shitty coach. He should be fired at halftime. Just leave his shit in a box outside the locker room and have security escort him out. Give them a few extra bucks to rough him up while they are at. What an enormous turd. Idiot. BUT HE’S A GOOD MAN AND EVERYONE LOVES HIM. Who cares? Shut up.

2:27: Of for God’s sake, now the Lions have to punt the ball. The Packers used all 3 of their time outs and the Lions only ran 15 seconds off the clock.

2:28: Halftime. 14-7 Packers. At least they are still in it. Oh wait, what the fuck? Oh man, because the Packers signaled a fair kick they get a free kick. It would be a 69 yard field goal. Oh shit, are they actually gonna try this? I guess they are. Oh shit, he almost made it. That would have been ridiculous.

2:41: Oh God, it’s that asshole Frank Caliendo again. Does anyone like him? I mean, anyone at all? He must know it too. I bet he goes home every night and sticks his head in the toilet to try to drown himself.

2:44: So, the Lions had the ball slightly longer than the Packers in the first half but the Packers have almost twice as much yardage. How does that happen?

2:45: Opening kick of the half goes out of bounds so the Lions get the ball at the 40. John Lynch has taken off his shirt and is now in just a tee-shirt flexing his guns. I am completely serious. What the fuck?

2:47: 3rd and 2. Complete to Calvin Johnson for about 6 or 7. First down.

2:48: Kevin Smith with a 20 yard run but there are a shit load of flags on the play. Holding on the Lions. Of course. But it was down field so it’s 1st and 9 instead of 1st and 20.

2:50: Incomplete on a deep ball. Both Calvin Johnson and Al Harris fell down and everyone went crazy. It was uncatchable.

2:51: 3rd and 5 and…incomplete. Shit. They are inside the Packers 40 but they are punting. Pussies. Ball is fair caught at the nine.

2:53: Packers fumble. Fuck yeah! Lions recover, and....awww shit, they are challenging it. Looks like a fumble to me. Dude landed on his head but the ball was coming loose before he hit. YES. Play stands. Lions get the ball 1st and 10 at the 11.

2:55: Calvin Johnson...TOUCHDOWN! YES! We are tied.

3:02: Damn it all. My laptop's battery died, so this might be a little spotty from here on out. I am sorry. I have failed you.

3:03: Shit. The Lions had the Packers stopped but Greg Jennings caught it for 47 yards.

3:04: FIGHT! Some pushing and shoving. No penalties. Ummm, okay.

3:04: 3rd and 10 for the Packers at the Lions 33. Incomplete to Donald Lee.

3:05: 4th and 10 and it looks like they are going for it. YES. Incomplete. NOOOOOOOOOO!!! Ramzee Robinson, you dumb asshole. JESUS CHRIST. That dumb shit just got flagged for a taunting call.

3:07: Oh okay, good. Whew. They said it was post possession so the Lions still get the ball.

3:08: I can't believe we have a shot still. Oh man oh man oh man.

3:09: Ed Hochuli and his guns call holding on the Packers defense on a defensive lineman. Weird. First down Lions.

3:10: First down to Calvin Johnson to the Lions 40. Kevin Smith has carried the ball 25 times already by the way.

3:11: Damn it. John Owens drops one that would have moved the ball into Packers territory.

3:11: 3rd and 8. Orlovsky with a horrible pass, overthrown and almost intercepted. Lions will have to punt. Damn it. Come on you assholes. Punt is a touchback. Man...

3:15: Dudes and lady dudes, this shit is TENSE.

3:15: Damn it. OH WHAT THE FUCK??? Ryan Grant had a twenty yard run and then went down. He got up and ran for a touchdown and the refs said he fell on another dude and was never down. Man, it looked like he was down. Marinelli is challenging it. Good. Fuck, this better come back.

3:17: Hey L.B., the Vikings are losing now, so you' ve still got a shot. If the Bears get into the playoffs, the NFC North will officially be a complete and utter embarrassment this season.

3:19: Oh man, thank you thank you thank you. The play was overturned and the Packers have a first down back at their own 40. I might have caught a boat across Lake Michigan and killed everyone in Wisconsin if that play would have stood.

3:21: Packers fake that toss that has worked so well and throw a slant for a first down inside Lions territory. The Packers are marching and it's not looking so good.

3:22: Grant with a first down inside the 35. Shit.

3:23: Donald Lee with a catch inside the 15, and...no, they are calling it incomplete after the refs talk it over. He was juggling it and the ball came loose when he got hit by Kalvin Pearson.

3:25: 3rd and about 2 for the Packers. Damn it. Rodgers with a five yard pass to James Jones for the first down. End of the third quarter, game is tied, and holy shit, these assholes better pull it together and fast.

3:28: Rodgers gets sacked by Langston Moore. Oh Langston Moore, you are my second favorite Langston.

3:29: Incomplete and Greg Jennings is bitching. Shut up.

3:30: 3rd and 11. Catch by Greg Jennings but he is caught short of the first down by Kalvin Pearson. I'll have to give Pearson credit, he is playing pretty well today.

3:31: Mason Crosby with the field goal. 17-14 Packers.

3:31: Dennis Leary is hawking Fords now. Someone should make him and John Mellencamp fight to the death. Loser gets killed obviously, winner is beaten to death anyway.

3:33: The creepy FOX robot looks depressed again. Poor son of a bitch.

3:34: Come on you assholes.

3:35: This is a two man offense. Kevin Smith runs the ball, Calvin Johnson catches it. No one else does anything.

3:36: Orlovsky overthrows Calvin again. Orlovsky doesn't look very good. Big surprise there.

3:36: 3rd and 7. Ball is tipped, incomplete. Damn it. Punt taken by Will Blackmon who takes it up to his own 47. Shit. This isn't looking good.

3:37: Is it weird to anyone else that Gene Hackman narrates the commercials for Lowes? That is Gene Hackman right? If it isn't, someone is doing a hell of an impression.

3:38: I think there have been roughly a billion American Idol commercials during the game. By the way, I typed this just before another American Idol commercial came on. I knew it was coming.

3:39: Shit. Ryan Grant with a nice run, Ernie Sims gets called for a late hit. Oh man, we are going to lose after all. Again. Aren't we?

3:39: And now Chris Rose is giving John Lynch shit for being a dirty player. A little awkward.

3:41: Packers have a first down inside the twenty and shit's about to get desperate.

3:42: Complete to Greg Jennings. First and goal. Jesus.

3:43: They have to hold them to a field goal here or we are pretty much fucked.

3:43: NOOOOOOOOOO!!! Touchdown Packers, 8:30 minutes left, and the Packers are up 24-14. 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16. Here we go.

3:46: This is so depressing.

3:47: Standeford with a juggling catch inside Packers territory. Come on you shitburgers.

3:49: Oh shit, Orlovsky almost gets sacked but manages to find Standeford wide open inside the ten.

3:50: Kevin motherfucking Smith! Touchdown run, and holy shit we've still got a chance. 24-21, Packers.

3:53: They are talking about the Joe Barry thing now, and please just shut up.

3:53: Oh man, L.B., I am sorry. Poor Bears fans. I guess it will be the Vikings who back into the playoffs.

3:54: kxjhvlijsfvkjlns;efbvs;bp;opsbosgbgb[k[gb'[rngn,,dn

3:54: FUCK. Donald Driver with a 71 yard touchdown catch. Hope, you cruel bastard, why must you taunt me? 31-21 Packers with 7 minutes left.

3:56: Shameful. Just a shameful season.

3:57: Man, Calvin Johnson is a beast. He caught a, I dunno, I'll say a six yarder and just dragged everyone for the first down.

3:58: They are dinking and dunking now, but they're gonna run out of time. Come on, come on, come on.

3:59: Orlovsky is too sloppy for this too. Eventually he will make a mistake, like he just did by throwing it behind Calvin Johnson.

4:00: 3rd down, and shit, Jerome Felton with a catch but he's taken down short of the first.

4:01: 4th and 4, and they're going for it. First down catch by Standeford. Where did he come from?

4:01: They are moving it, but there are only 4 and a half minutes left and they are down by ten.

4:02: 3rd and 4 and what the fuck was that? Orlovsky throws a wobbler way over the head of Casey Fitzsimmons out of bounds. Maybe his thumb is bothering him in the cold.

4:03: 4th down and shit, they should kick the field goal and cut the lead to seven now. But they're going for it, and...Calvin Johnson makes the catch at the marker. First down, but he is shaken up. Okay good, now he is walking off under his own power. Time is running out. Under 4 minutes left.

4:04: Screen to Kevin Smith, and...shit, he loses yardage. At least he got out of bounds. There is a flag though. Oh for fuck's sake. Unsportsmanlike conduct on Smith for throwing the ball in the face of a Packer. FUCK.

4:06: 2nd and 29 back at midfield. Incomplete pass to Colbert.

4:06: 3rd and 29. Smith fucked them with that penalty. Damn it.

4:07: Jesus. A one yard pass to Felton. 4th and 28. This is it.

4:08: Sigh. Orlovsky throws it up and is intercepted by Nick Collins who returns it from the goal line down into Lions territory. There is a flag though. Block in the back on the interception return. Big damn deal. Packers get the ball with only a few minutes left. This shit is over.

4:09: Some of the Packers fans are chanting 0-16 now, which is pretty fucking terrible. The Lions deserve it though.

4:10: And now the announcers are talking about the dudes like Jeff Backus who have been there for the whole Matt Millen debacle. This is awful. Just horrible.

4:10: Oh hey, guess what? Apparently Rod Marinelli respects the game and is a good man. Well shit, coach of the year I guess. Get the fuck outta here.

4:11: Deshawn Wynn fumbles and the Lions say they recovered. This is almost cruel.

4:12: Packers have it, and the fans are chanting again. We have suffered enough damn it. Apparently we went 0-16. Thank you gentle Packer fans for that reminder.

4:13: Two minute warning and the Lions are in their final death spasms. It is almost over. This turd, this abomination, of a season is almost finished for us. It has been...something.

4:15: Packers are running the clock out and Jesus I just want this to be over with. Unsportsmanlike penalty on the Packers. Why not?

4:16: Both Deshawn Wynn and Ryan Grant had over 100 yards today. A fitting end by this horror show of a defense.

4:17: The Packers take a knee and the Lions all look depressed. Join the club.

4:18: 0-16.

Well, Here We Are

If you would have told Lions fans that going into the last weekend of the season they would be approaching the game like it was the Super Bowl they would have been ecstatic. After all, that must mean there is something still left to play for, right? Well. . .

It's been a long season. A long tiresome season, and now here we are at the end, facing down the worst thing a team can possibly face. 0-16. It is almost inconceivable. No team has ever gotten this close to those infamous numbers and no group of fans has been in this place before. It has been a long season, but it has been an even longer decade, and really, for most of us, it has been a longer lifetime. Being a Lions fans comes with no rewards, just the distinct and all too familiar stink of failure. When I first started rooting for the Lions as a little kid, they were bad. And not much has changed. Sure, there was the brief 90's oasis when Barry Sanders carried them to the cusp of respectability, but even then there was an ominous air of certain disaster which always hovered just on the periphery. We knew, even when things were going well that we were only moments away from it all falling apart. Watching playoff games knowing that in the end our Lions would stumble off the field, heads down while the other team celebrated, epitomized what it was like to root for those teams. They were okay, but they were never great. They were pretenders and we all knew it. We waited with clenched teeth for the bottom to drop out and when Barry Sanders tearfully walked away from the game, sick of the losing, sick of the never ending mediocrity, and when Matt Millen was given the keys to the kingdom, that bottom dropped and it dropped in ways we never thought imaginable.

This decade has been one of never ending misery. Every season begins and ends the same, with the knowledge that 4-12 is in the cards, 6-10 is a luxury and 7-9 is a miracle. And that miracle came last year, a 7-9 season that served as the high water mark for this atrocity of a franchise in this horrible decade. But even that high water mark was a disaster as the team went 1-7 down the stretch and sent themselves spiraling into this...this horrible thing.

We always hoped though. Every year, we always hoped that what we knew to be true could somehow be overcome, that this was the year that all that poison and all the misery would just disappear and we would watch our boys scamper towards the dream season that it seems like just about everyone else gets at least once. But it never comes. And now we find ourselves hoping against hope that we can get one lousy win. It is almost a perverse mockery of everything we have gone through as fans over the years. We have hoped and we have wondered what it would be like to finally break through, and we have done these things for so long only to find ourselves staring at something that has never happened before and now we have to hope one last time, not for glory or for that dream season but for one tiny scrap of dignity.

For us, the Super Bowl that we have always dreamed about is this Sunday. And that is the saddest and most damning thing I could possibly say to explain what it is like to be a Lions fan. There are no championships for us at the end of this long, dark road. There is no glory, no cheers, just a desperate hope that we can avoid the very bottom of a hole we have been falling down for fifty years. We always wondered where the bottom was, and well, here it is.

The game itself is not something any of us want to look at. The Lions haven't won at Lambeau since 1991. And it's December, which is just one more slap in the face to our crippled psyche. We are horrible against Green Bay on the road, and we are even worse when it's cold. Add in the memories of Aaron Rodgers abusing our defense earlier this season and the 48 points they put up on us at home and the outcome of Sunday's game couldn't be more clear.

There is no reasoned analysis to be had here, no ifs or maybes, just a desperate hope that we can somehow avoid the inevitable. We have hoped a lot over the years and we have never had that hope rewarded. But here we are again, hoping one last time against hope.

0-15

What is there left to say after something like what happened to the Lions on Sunday? That beat down by the Saints was epic in its totality and left Lions fans wondering how in the fuck they managed to find yet another circle of hell for us. Nine levels of hell? Whatever. Dante was full of shit. Lions fans know that there are infinite levels, and every week we meet a more ridiculous and grisly fate than the week before.

This week it was the never ending horror show of Drew Brees throwing and throwing and throwing in his bid to topple Dan Marino's single season yardage record, and JESUS CHRIST. Not only did the Lions fail to stop Brees, they apparently forgot that they were allowed to score too and ended up looking like the worst team in the NFL on both sides of the ball, which is probably appropriate considering the circumstances. I mean, why even bother to maintain a shred of hope going into next year? Just limp forward into your infamous fate and let everyone know that it was no accident. Everything sucks right now. Even when the Lions did something right, like on the touchdown strike to Calvin Johnson early in the game, it was called back because dumb shit Gosder Cherilus lined up wrong. I mean, what the fuck? Really? Even my man Lennie Small doesn't do that.

Honestly, the best part about the game, and by the best I of course mean the most ridiculous, was the crowd chanting Joey Harrington's name. Joey is now a third string quarterback for the Saints, but there is nothing more telling than how horrendous this season has been than that scene on Sunday. Jesus, it has gotten to the point where the Joey Harrington days seem like a golden age we remember with wistful fondness. How fucked up is that? Ah, the 5-11 days of yore, how we miss you. Someone find me an oven where I can rest my head.

Of course, everyone is all in a rage this week because some asshole reporter asked Rod Marinelli if he wished his daughter had married a better defensive coordinator. Outrageous! Yeah, not really. I mean, who cares? Yeah, the dude is kind of a dick, and no one likes him, he is a known horrible reporter, etc., but everyone seems to be forgetting that Joe Barry is a shitty defensive coordinator and everyone thought it was bullshit when he was hired since he is Marinelli's son in law. But good heavens! That rogue questioned the integrity of the right honorable Rod Marinelli! Who cares? I don't give a fuck if my team is coached by Attila the Hun so long as they win. I've never understood this need to fawn over the moral integrity of a stranger who makes his living screaming at sweaty men and old dudes who make extra money on the weekend by reffing. I don't know, maybe it was because I grew up worshipping Bill Laimbeer, Isiah Thomas, Rick Mahorn and Dennis Rodman. It could be that my experiences in this arena have warped me and left me callous to the travails of a profoundly decent man. And I'm sure he is, everyone loves him, and good for him, but he's a shitty football coach and really that's all I care about here.

Ford Field seems like the world's largest morgue this week. All the players look like they are on the verge of crying and vomiting all over the locker room, Marinelli seems like he is just exhausted, and there is the distinct air of impending doom hanging over the whole affair, like everyone expects and knows that imminent death awaits. The end is coming. We have known this for a while, but holy shit it is here now and it is fucking nasty and no one knew it would be like this. It is a strange and awful mix of desperation, sorrow and outright terror. The players know what's coming and they know that a week from now they'll be the worst team in NFL history and everyone will know it until they are old and gray. No matter what they do for the rest of their careers this season will hang over their heads, haunting them. Nothing they do will ever be able to erase that and that fucking sucks. And it's not that different for the fans either. No matter what this team does in the future, everyone will always remember that they went 0-16, and that stink of failure is not something that goes away. We have suffered through a lot as Lions fans, and we are tough as hell when it comes to this kind of shit, but this...this apocalyptic nightmare is something else entirely and you have no idea how terrible it is to be here. My franchise, the one that I tell people I love, is less than a week away from being forever tainted. It is a horrible thing. A horrible thing. And the worst part is that none of us know how awful it will even feel when it finally happens. As bad as it feels right now, it is probably nothing compared to how awful it will be after next week. My very first post on this blog was titled "Welcome to Hell". Well, here we are.

The Bitter End

So, here we are, two weeks away from infamy. It has been such a train wreck of a season that people are saying shit like "Well, at least Orlovsky is back," which if you think about it is so phenomenally depressing that. . .well, maybe you shouldn't think about it if you are a Lions fan, otherwise your head might end up in the oven. But it's been that kind of a season, the kind where so much goes wrong that even when something does go right, like Jason Hanson having a record setting season at kicker, it is pretty much ignored.

Poor Jason has been with the Lions for his entire career, and if anyone deserves to be rewarded for staying through all the shit it's him. He's always been the one player on the team who Lions fans never had to worry about, which is something that I think everyone probably takes a bit for granted. I wish he was going to Honolulu for the Pro Bowl, and he still might since he is the alternate in case something happens to the dude in front of him, but perhaps it is for the best that this team doesn't get rewarded in any way, so that their shame is total and complete. There are no bright spots when you're 0-14, or 0-15, or 0-. . . well, you know. But still, poor Jason. Poor Jason.

But even that says something about how awful this team truly is, that as the season winds down, the only thing we have to cling to is the Pro Bowl snubbing of a fucking kicker. If that's not desperation, I don't know what is. But, that is where we are, and we must make our peace with that. Of course, before we make our peace with the inevitability of the horrific fate that awaits this team and its fans, we must suffer through two weeks of hell. Merry Christmas.

We begin this weekend by hosting New Orleans, and there are some crazed optimists claiming that the Lions could pull one out this week. These are the words of wild eyed ranters and desperate lunatics however and so we should not pretend like this is something that will actually happen. No, the time has come and gone for this team to rise up and put an end to this horrible nonsense. Now, we must simply deal with the reality that is placed before us.

The Lions can't cover anybody, and the Saints and Drew Brees can throw on virtually everybody. Do the math. At best the Lions will be slowly picked apart until late in the game when the floodgates burst wide open and we are all drowned in that same foul shit water which has washed over us all season long. At worst Brees will throw for 500 yards as he tries to make a run at Dan Marino's single season yardage record, and the game will be over with by the end of the first quarter and security will have to hold back the angry lynch mob known as Lions fans from rushing the field and tearing the place apart and suffocating Rod Marinelli with his own diaper. It will be awful.

Offensively, the Lions should be able to move the ball some. The Saints defense, particularly its pass defense, isn't very good, and the Lions will probably try desperately to get the ball in the hands of Calvin Johnson, which should result in a couple of big plays and a few more points on the board then they normally manage. Unfortunately, while Dan Orlovsky probably won't melt down like Daunte Culpepper inevitably does in every game, he also has a pop gun for an arm and isn't likely to burn the Saints defense deep like Culpepper might. Still, he should have a decent game, but the Lions defense won't be able to stop Brees, and so the Lions only hope is that they can hang with the Saints in a shootout and really, that's not going to happen. The Saints just have too much firepower on offense. It would be a shootout between a guy with a howitzer and a dude with a BB gun and we all know how that shit will turn out.

Hope is a good thing. It is. But there comes a point where hope just makes it all hurt that much worse and we are heading to a place where no one has ever gone before. It is a horrible place, awful and obscene and it will eat the hopeful alive, and so all we can do is prepare, hang on with white knuckled terror and wait for the final blow to be struck. The end begins this weekend, and all that's left to do is show up and take it. That is what it has come to.

Predicted Final Score: Saints 38, Lions 21

0-14, 0-14, 0-14, 0-14, 0-14, 0-14, 0-14

Okay, so the Lions didn't lose by the hundred or so I predicted but at no point, even when the game was tied at 21 in the fourth quarter, did I think that the Lions would win that game. You see, I have watched every game that these turds have played this year and this is something that has happened before. And, like before, the Lions stuck their feeble little heads above water for a few moments, basked in the sunshine and then were drowned again by a tidal wave of immense shit water.

The good news I guess is that Dan Orlovsky looked okay for the most part. Maybe you could win with him as a sort of caretaker type dude, the kind of guy who isn't going to win a game for you or anything but won't fuck up too badly - aside from the occasional scenic jaunt out the back of the end zone anyway. But really, on this team, that just means that he's a guy that will get them to lose by ten instead of thirty. He's not the guy, he just isn't, and so any encouragement that could be taken away from how he played is pretty much nullified.

And that is what is almost just as depressing as the fact that these shitbirds are 0-14. Aside from Calvin Johnson and maybe Kevin Smith it doesn't really matter if these guys show signs of life because we all know that in order for this team to become any better a wholesale cleansing of this organization from the front office down to the players and probably the ball boys needs to happen. So if Dan Orlovsky has a good game who really cares? If someone like, say, Leigh Bodden has a good game, it's more depressing than anything because it just stands as a stark contrast to his general shittyness. Of course, the Leigh Bodden example is purely hypothetical because, come on, Leigh Bodden having a good game is as likely as a unicorn springing from my ass and then taking flight. It's only happened once and probably won't happen again. I am just kidding of course. The unicorn never actually flew, but I digress.

Even my man Ernie Sims has pretty much sucked this year which is really depressing because coming into the season he was really the only dude on this team that I liked. Maybe he has been spending too much time with his collection of exotic lizards or maybe he just stopped giving a shit. I don't know, but Ernie Sims looks like he has finally realized he is a Detroit Lion and like so many before him the weight of that name and that uniform has begun to take its toll. I mean, this is a franchise whose ineptitude made Barry Sanders weep and renounce football for fuck's sake. So it's pretty damn probable that the same sort of ennui has also taken many lesser players over the years.

We are only two games away from the impossible, and at this point there is nothing to take away that is any good. Even when Calvin Johnson does something superhuman and absurd it just makes you feel bad for the guy, that he is stuck doing it with the Lions. It is horrible to reach that point, when you start feeling sorry for the good players on your team because you know that their talent is just going to waste. Everything is just depressing at this point, everything is just an interminable reminder that we are getting ever closer to the finish line, and at that finish line is not a trophy but a giant pile of shit. It smells and nobody wants to touch it, but the Lions and the poor assholes who root for them might as well be quadriplegics just sitting in our chairs, slowly drifting towards that giant pile of shit, powerless to stop before we end up covered in it. Our eyes are wide with terror and we hope for a miracle, but deep down we know that we are just slowly rolling towards the inevitable and that shit fucking stinks.

This Guy Again? Awww...

If the NFL had any decency they would just cancel the game on Sunday on the grounds that making the Lions play the Colts constitutes cruel and unusual punishment. Sure, the Colts aren't quite as good as they have been in the recent past, but holy shit, have you seen the Lions this year? I don't care if the Colts are a shadow of their former self and are lucky to be sitting comfortably in the playoff picture. They are still the Colts and the Lions are still the Lions - and then some. If they were fair minded people, the municipal leaders of Indianapolis would send out the Indianapolis Junior College to beat on the Lions.

Oh my Lions, those poor bastards. When Lord, oh when? It is not enough that the Lions have not only shit the bed and then smeared it all over the walls and then went for round two in the fish tank, they should be even worse than that in this game. The Lions are out of quarterbacks. At this point they should just do the right thing and run Calvin Johnson out of the Wildcat and hope he doesn't get murdered. But instead, they're going to turn to Dan Orlovsky, he of the extended jaunt out of the back of the end zone, now that Daunte Culpepper is hurt just like every other goddamn quarterback the Lions have had this season. Of course it was only a couple of days ago that Orlovsky was complaining that his fucked up thumb still didn't feel right, but what the hell, you know? In this grotesque parody of a season they might as well send a guy out there with the knowledge that when the game is over he'll probably have to have his thumb amputated. But fuck it, it's only Dan Orlovsky.

Of course, Drew Stanton is also wandering around there somewhere, and he is supposedly ready to go after recovering from a concussion, but how shitty do the coaches have to think he is to still refuse to start him, with the team 0-13 and every other quarterback dead or dying? Jesus. Reporters are already asking him if he needs to get the fuck out of town in order to get a fair shake. Well, you know, maybe he really is just a shitty quarterback that Matt Millen fucked up on when he picked him in the second round. I think that is much more likely than what everyone seems to want to believe, which is that he is somehow Joe Montana mixed with John Elway and all he needs is a chance and we will ride his frat boy coattails straight to the Super Bowl. For fuck's sake, the guy can't beat out DAN ORLOVSKY WITH A BROKEN THUMB. I think we can give up on pinning our future hopes on young Stanton.

Of course, this doesn't really mean all that much this week since the Lions are going to be a lifeless mess on offense regardless of who the quarterback is. Chances are they play it close to the vest and try to run the shit out of the ball, but the problem with that is that they will likely be down by double digits within nanoseconds of the start of the game and will have to pass their way out of the hole. Yeah, that's not happening. Calvin Johnson will likely get deep once and make a big play and then will be ignored for most of the game because that is what happens EVERY FUCKING GAME.

Meanwhile, the Lions defense will likely need counseling after the game from all the abuse they will suffer at the hands of Peyton Manning. And even though Peyton Manning might be slipping a little, he is still Peyton Manning and damn it, that hick should demolish the retards and simps who live in the Lions secondary. The last time the Lions played the Colts, Manning threw for six touchdowns. Yeah, SIX. And he only played three quarters! And the Lions are even worse than they were then, and by an absurd margin too. Oh Jesus this is going to be ugly and terrible, the sort of thing that God might call down on a dickhead Egyptian pharaoh. THE RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH BLOOD. Oh God, the pain, the pain.

One last note. The Colts will be starting a dude named Buster Davis at middle linebacker. Now Buster is a little dude, maybe 5'9", but he's intense as hell and will attempt to murder you on every play. The Colts picked him up off the scrap heap, and when Gary Brackett got hurt, they discovered that they have a hell of a player. Now, why is this important? Because of course the Lions had Buster Davis on their team and then cut him before the season because they pussied out and worried that he was too small and because they didn't want him fucking up Jordan Dizon's progress. Of course, Dizon has sucked about eleven different varieties of dick so far and looks like he will likely be selling cars or digging ditches or dead in an alley or who the fuck knows what within a couple of years, so hey, good job Lions coaches and front office. You won another one.

This game is going to be fucking brutal and everyone knows it. There are only three games left before the Lions make history and I see no reason why they won't take one giant step closer to being the shittiest bunch of shits who ever shit.

Predicted Final Score: Colts 117, Lions 6

DOOM

Sunday's game against the Vikings was the final death blow to any absurd notions of hope that I might have had that this team might actually win one godforsaken game before the end of the year. It was the last gasp, the final shaking loose of any residual love I had for this years edition of the Lions, one last attempt at rummaging around for any internal spare change that I could find to keep my faith in this team from becoming completely and utterly bankrupt. But here we are, at 0-13, and if that no man's land of a record wasn't a clear enough statement of its own, the past week has hammered home the ugly truth, that not only are the Lions a horrible, horrible team on the verge of doing something that nobody else has ever done, but they are a franchise that has come apart completely, more broken than at any time in its long, ugly past. And that is really saying something.

First off, what happened against the Vikings itself is almost unimportant. The Lions lost, just like they lose every week. Big fucking deal. We've been here before. Almost exactly here as a matter of fact since Sunday's game played out almost exactly the same as the Lions earlier loss to the Vikings. The Lions surprisingly looked like the better team for much of the game. Their offense was competent if not spectacular, and their defense managed to corral Adrian Peterson just like they did in the first game. Had Rod Marinelli kicked two field goals instead of going for it on 4th and 1 and failing twice in the first half there is a very good chance that the Lions would have won that game. But he didn't, they lost by four fucking points and here we are again.

I could say over and over and over again that Rod Marinelli is a shitty coach, but he is the coach of an 0-13 team and so I really don't have to. The results speak for themselves, and yet, somehow, someway, there is the sneaking suspicion that at this time next year old Rod will be patrolling the sidelines yet again, somehow having been given a clean slate to work his hard nosed magic on the Lions. After all, clearly the issue is that he hasn't been given enough time. 0-13. Jesus. They should march Marinelli out of Ford Field clad in only his diaper and force him to run a gauntlet of angry out of work autoworkers in the middle of December in Detroit. It is cold, it is ugly and it is brutal and it is everything that this season has been.

But despite all of the pain and all of the madness, there was still an odd, lingering sense of hope that was shared between the Lions' fans and its players. There was this idea that we were all in this together. Well, that appears to have changed. After the loss on Sunday the fans decided to tell the players to go fuck themselves and Dominic Raiola responded by going wild and flipping off every fan he could see. It's to the point where the fans and players basically just want to tell each other to fuck off, and neither side is willing to apologize for this. In fact, Raiola, while saying that he doesn't want to apologize, came right out and said that he wishes he could give the fans his home address so they could come and settle it there. It would be bad enough that a player is saying that he wants to brawl with his own fans, but what's worse is that Raiola says that he's too afraid that people would come and shoot him. I mean, for fuck's sake, that's how bad things have gotten here. Lions players are now afraid that they will be gunned down like dogs by their own fans. HOW THE FUCK DID WE GET TO THIS POINT?

We are in a place where we have never been before and we have no recent history of success to draw upon to comfort us and no hope that the future will be significantly better. All we have are the numbers 0 and 13 staring at us and behind them, looming even larger on the horizon are the numbers 0 and 16. None of us have wanted to admit that those numbers could be real but there they are, and we have to face them now. They're going to happen, the Lions are going to go down as far and away the worst team ever and when people think of this team they won't think of them as loveable losers who tried hard but as Dominic Raiola flipping off fans. Oh well, at least we are on our fifth different quarterback of the year now that Daunte Culpepper is hurt. At least we are finding people work in this troubled economy. Jesus. The end is near and it looks really, really fucking ugly. There are only three games to go and the cackling and howling from all those motherfuckers in the pregame shows is going to get worse and this is all we are going to hear about. The players and fans will hate each other and by the time this season ends, we'll all feel like a bunch of traumatized vets with post traumatic stress disorder. Goddamn, we have known pain as Lions fans before, but this. . .

On the Edge of Inescapable Doom

I've been trying to talk myself into a Lions win this weekend, just like I do every week, but this one has been nagging at me more than it usually does and I can't shake the feeling that maybe this week is the week. Maybe it is all the blathering I did in my last post about hope and never knowing and all that jazz, or maybe it's because the last time these two teams played was probably the best game the Lions played all year. Or perhaps it is because the Vikings will most likely be without the Williams Boys. I don't know, maybe I just really, really want a win so desperately that my heart is starting to tell my brain to shut the fuck up.

And really, that seems the most likely of scenarios here, because anyone who watched the Thanksgiving Day Massacre knows that even hoping for a close game is a hope that might as well be made by four year olds wishing upon a star with Jiminy Cricket or whatever his name is in Middle Earth or Narnia or Fruitopia or wherever. In other words, it probably ain't happening.

Sure, the Vikings will almost definitely be missing the Williams Boys, Kevin and Pat, their two defensive tackles who serve as the heart of the Vikings defense. Unless some court ordered shenanigans take place those two will be sitting home enjoying a relaxing league mandated suspension for taking too much Tylenol or shooting up elephant hormones or eating the fresh heart of a rhino or whatever the fuck it is they did. Against any other team that would surely be the harbinger of inescapable defeat for the Vikings. One would think so, but although the loss of the Williams Boys should definitely allow the Lions to at least move the ball some, one only need think back to the Apocalypse at Ford Field that took place on Thanksgiving and picture Chris Johnson riding through the Lions defense on a pale horse to know that victory for the Lions is probably more than two lost defensive tackles away. The Lions offense has a chance to go from bad to mediocre, but the defense is still the same defense that was blown apart like a sandcastle in a tsunami, and with Adrian Peterson running the ball things, uh, well, they don't look good.

This is the part where I remind you that, despite Adrian Peterson's reputation, the Lions surprisingly held him in check the last time around while simultaneously battering and harassing Gus Frerotte. And if Dan Orlovsky didn't decide to take his quiet, relaxing stroll out of the back of the endzone and if Leigh Bodden didn't pick up a phantom pass interference penalty late in the fourth quarter, chances are good that the Lions would have won that game. But they didn't. They played as well as they could possibly play on defense in that game and it still wasn't enough. The chances that they manage to effectively bottle up the Vikings offense again while the offense spontaneously combusts in a firestorm of yardage and points are pretty fucking slim. I think it is highly likely that the offense will be able to move the ball semi-effectively against the Vikings' Williamsless defense, but the Lions' defense will fold once again just as it has done the last few weeks. Add in the requisite pair or so of Daunte Culpepper fuckups and things are looking grim.

A little history lesson though will tell you that way back in 2001, the last time the Lions descended into this otherworldly hellfire and became a national punch line, it was in a game against the Vikings, after an 0-12 start, that the Lions got their first win of the season. However, and you had to know a however was coming here, that game came after a ridiculous nine straight games in which the Lions had lost by only eight points or less. This of course stands in marked contrast to this years edition of the Lions which has been run out of the building routinely, especially lately, and any correlation drawn between what happened in that fateful year and this one is purely the product of wishful thinking.

So, here we are. Again. Just like every week. The Lions simply aren't good enough to be taken even remotely seriously and the Titans themselves said as much after last week's debacle. There are signs and omens and weird coincidences that seem to point towards something being different this week. Mostly, these are all coming from the hearts of Lions fans whose brains have perhaps been rotted by the stench of one too many losses this season. I find myself amongst them, and am at about the point where I am ready to start rolling chicken bones and reading them for any sign of a miracle. I am almost at that point, but not quite. And so, logically, and with much pain in my heart, I have to think that the Lions will lose yet again and then go on to lose the final three games of the season, cementing their place as the worst team in NFL history. The statistics pretty much bear this out already and so perhaps it is fitting that the whole thing be wrapped up with a neat little bow and that any debate about who is the worst team ever can be smashed and ground up in the face of those mythical and horrible numbers 0 and 16. Perhaps, but the funny thing is that sometimes, and here I go again, you get a little sick of picking with your head, and sometimes, when shit is this bad, all you can do is go with your heart and so fuck all the bullshit, and fuck the Vikings.
Predicted Final Score: Lions 28, Vikings 24

Thanksgiving and Other Bullshit

Rod Marinelli made a big deal before the Thanksgiving day game about how this was the Lions opportunity to show the world something and that they craved the spotlight because it was...you know, to tell you the truth I'm not sure because it was then that Marinelli rambled on about Twinkies and creamy middles and all that ridiculous bullshit. But, in the end the Lions did show the world something, that they were a team that was even worse than most people thought. They are a franchise in freefall, which is sort of ridiculous because it has seemed that way for almost an entire decade, and if we are brutally honest, for the last half century. Which begs the question how much farther can they fall? No matter how deep the descent there are always deeper places, sadder places, unfathomably horrible places for this team to sink. Thursday's game was just another bottom in a history littered with bottoms, and if that history teaches us anything it is that there will be many more bottoms to come. Which is frightening, but that is our reality and so we must face it.

Look, at the end of the day the Lions are the Lions and not a lot is going to change that and what it means, especially not in the near future. But what can change in the immediate future is this Lions tradition of just standing pat and saying "Well, we just need to give it some time." Well, guess what assholes? YOU'VE HAD FIFTY MOTHERFUCKING YEARS. There needs to be some level of accountability here, someone who says "You know what? This shit is beyond broken and we can't fix it from within." It needs somebody who understands that what's needed is a total house cleaning, not just a change in philosophies, but a complete and total reinvention of the franchise from the top on down. We need new leadership in every single area. We need front office people who know how to win, we need coaches who know what they are doing from day one, not positional coaches who might grow into the job because they have the right attitude, whatever the fuck that bullshit is. We need players who don't give a fuck that the Lions are losers, because they are winners and they won't be part of a team that stumbles and bumbles its way through a season. We need more than a change, we need a cleansing, and then when everything is torn down and ruined and broken, we can start over and build something, anything, other than what is there now, because what is there now is broken beyond repair and will never, ever be anything more than a shambling mess.

The Titans killed the Lions. Just fucking killed them. You know it. You all saw it. There's not a lot of need to break down the particulars. That game stands as its own statement, its own snapshot of everything that is the Detroit Lions. It's sad, and it's frustrating but it's also undeniably true. What do you do when that is your team? How do you come back next week for more? Well, you just do, because the funny thing about sports is this: you never really do know. You just don't. You may be right 99% of the time but then that 1% of the time happens and it is exciting as hell. It makes you feel giddy and makes you want to say fuck you to everyone who isn't a fan of your team. The best times are when that happens over the course of a season, like I experienced with the Tigers a couple of years ago. In those seasons, you look back and remember how you thought things would never change and now that they have you just sit back and smile and take the whole thing in. And when they start to fade again you remember what that felt like and you remember that next year is always different, that next week is always different. You never know when things are going to change, when that game will come when it all starts to turn around. You could be 0-12 or you could be 7-4, you could be a perennial loser or you could be a championship team on its last legs. You never know. The Lions could pull some weird shit out next week, fire everybody, finally get their shit together as an organization and stomp the shit out of someone and we'll all be going "Holy shit, where did that come from?" Or they could lose again. And again. Which they likely will, but fuck it man, that's all just the nature of the beast. The good with the bad. That's sports fandom. One makes the other. Otherwise its just hollow bullshit.

I know this a rambling mess of a post, but in between people quitting on their teams and my own team getting the shit stomped out of them, I just want everyone to look at their teams and ask themselves why they care? I mean, there is no good reason in the world to give the slightest fuck about sports. But if you're reading this you do anyway. It's not logical, it's not rational, it just is what it is, and I know that I can't walk away from that. No matter what. Shit happens, people get hurt, people get traded, people are disappointments, but at the end of the day you never know what's going to happen tomorrow. You may think you know, but who the fuck wants to be right? Not to get too hokey, but sports is about the journey man, it's about caring when your team wins because you've been there to see the shit get kicked out of them, and it's about caring when they fall back to earth because you are proud that they are your team and about what they did when they were on top. You suffer through the shit to get back to the top and on the way back down you never stop fighting to get back up there. Sports are dumb as shit, and sports fandom is even dumber, but fuck it, if you're a fan be a fucking fan. Stay there and bitch and moan and get mad about your team. Yell about the coaches, bitch about the owners, but don't just walk away from it and pretend it's not there just because you don't like what's going on. Because when they do start winning again you'll find that you don't identify with them anymore because you won't know them, and when that happens you'll just find yourself shrugging and halfheartedly trying to make yourself care again while everyone else around you is going nuts.

Look, I have barely seen the Lions do anything in my lifetime, but there have been flashes that I remember. I remember the Lions murdering the Cowboys to get their one and only playoff win of the last fifty years. I remember Barry Sanders going apeshit on Monday Night Football. And I know how fun it can be when that happens. I'm not going to quit on the Lions because I know that someday that shit could happen again. I don't see a clear path to that happening, and much of what I write and bitch about is because of that. I don't know how it's going to happen. I don't see it and that is depressing as hell, but it could happen and that's all that matters, even if the odds are ridiculously small. And that's what will always keep me coming back for more.

Thanksgiving with the Lions

The Lions have lost the last four games on Thanksgiving by an average of 20 points, and have lost by double digits in all four of those games. So I think we pretty much know what we're in store for this Thanksgiving, especially since the 0-11 Lions are playing the 10-1 Tennessee Titans.

Every year around this time I cringe because I know what's coming: the Lions will be embarrassed with everyone watching them and in the days leading up to that inevitable defeat there will be hoards of talking heads and braying jackasses on ESPN, on blogs and in newspaper columns screaming about how the Lions shouldn't be automatically given the early Thanksgiving game every year. Which to me is just unspeakably cruel. I mean, come on, what else do Lions fans have? Jesus, you people are fucking animals. We have the shittiest franchise year in and year out in the NFL, virtually every one of our can't miss prospects ends up either being too shitty for even the Lions, playing for somebody else after tanking it with the Lions, or sitting at home smoking weed and playing X-Box after, well, doing the same thing with the Lions. Hello, Charles Rogers! We have one playoff win in the last fifty years and our greatest run of sustained success during that time period came with Wayne Fontes as the head coach and Scott Mitchell as the quarterback. Our offensive line has been in shambles ever since our two best players on the line were paralyzed or killed by a runaway car, and that was more than fifteen years ago! We have a head coach who speaks in nonsensical gibberish, raving this week about twinkies and soft creamy middles after a reporter asked him a question about wanting the spotlight. Perhaps there is a .0000000000000000001% chance that old Rod is some sort of idiot savant, and inside of his seemingly inane babble there lies a gem of stunning genius, but I doubt it. Instead, I think I am pretty safe in making the assumption that Marinelli just forgot where he was and who he was talking to and began rambling about twinkies because Old Man Ford told him that if he held his shit together without pissing and shitting himself during a game he would give him all the twinkies he could handle.

So that's what we are stuck with as Lions fans, that is the twisted, fucked up saga we follow year after year after miserable year and still you want to take away our Thanksgiving game, the one thing that we have to actually be somewhat proud of, the only thing that represents even a whisper of tradition for us. You vicious assholes.

Look, we all know that the Lions are going to lose tomorrow. They just will, and they will likely lose by a lot. But that's hardly the point. You take this away from us and what do we have? Not one damn thing. We're just a free floating disaster of a franchise, rooted in nothing but our own misery and decay. Maybe we were worth something once, back when dudes all still wore hats to work and James Dean was the hot shit, but fuck, that was fifty years ago, and with every year that passes that all seems like something out of some musty old library or museum, barely remembered yellowed news stories buried in the archives. They aren't alive, they don't resonate in any way with us today. They might as well have happened in Narnia or Middle Earth or some other bullshit fairy land. But the Thanksgiving game is the one thing that's still there, the one thing that reminds us that somewhere buried beneath all the shit there's a franchise that still means something. Even if we don't know what it is, even if we can't touch it, can't feel it, can't understand it, it still means something. It's all we have left.

Anyway, as for the actual game, expect the Titans to run right over the Lions defense with both Chris Johnson and LenDale White. The Lions have been especially woeful against the run lately, and the Titans should be able to march right through them with stunning ease and efficiency. Throw in a couple of Kerry Collins touchdown passes following blown coverages by the Lions shitty linebackers and defensive backs and you have the recipe for a Titans scoring binge that the Lions won't be able to even come close to keeping up with.

Offensively, I expect the Lions to struggle even more than they have the last few weeks. The Titans front four, led by Albert Haynesworth and Kyle Vandenbosch, should be able to completely suffocate the Lions run game, leaving the offense in the hands of Daunte Culpepper again, and if Daunte has proven anything since his return it is that given the opportunity he will fuck up and fuck up badly. I expect that Calvin Johnson will be able to get deep for a big play maybe once, but Daunte will throw a couple of picks, probably fumble it at least once, and everyone will go home knowing exactly what they knew before the game: that the Lions are terrible and they are going to be terrible for the rest of the season and that there are no answers on this team or on the sidelines or in the front office. And the more I think about it, the more I realize I was wrong. We don't have just the one tradition left. We have two: Thanksgiving and the Lions being a shambling wreck of a team. If we have to put up with the latter, at least let us keep the former. Oh well, happy Thanksgiving, or Happy Thursday if you are Canadian or European or Martian or whatever.

Predicted Final Score: Titans 38, Lions 14

I Wish I Could Say I was Surprised, But...

17-0. The Lions finally broke through and beat the...oh shit, they lost? Again? 38-20? Oh for fuck's sake.

Only the Lions could lead a team 17-0, gain favorable field position on more than one occasion due to fumbles and mistakes by the other team and still end up losing by 18 points. I mean, every week it is something else, something ridiculous and horrible and unfair and this week it was the Lions looking like they not only were going to win but might actually run away with it only to end up being left naked and beaten on the side of the road, confused and afraid. Again.

The game featured a little bit of everything that has happened this season, from Calvin Johnson looking like a completely unstoppable superbeast to Calvin being inexplicably ignored for long stretches of the game causing even the dumbass announcers to start openly deriding the Lions for not getting him the fucking ball. There was the usual flash of hope which was, as always, overwhelmed in a sea of failure and ineptitude. There was Kevin Smith running the ball effectively only to be taken out of the game plan because once again the Lions had to play catch up. There was Daunte Culpepper making a couple of big throws only to fall apart and throw retarded interceptions later in the game. There was a defense which attacked at times and utterly disappeared at others. There were big plays from the other team which the Lions could never counter, and there was the sight of yet another 108 year old running back effortlessly gliding through the Lions defense. There was Rod Marinelli excited on the sideline and then angry and then depressed and then confused. There was Drew Stanton bounding onto the field just in time to get horribly concussed. And finally, there was the score at the end of the game and there was another Lions loss and there was me laughing and there was me shaking my head and there was me turning off the TV and saying fuck this shit.

Thursday the Lions play again in their annual Thanksgiving game and I will watch again and I will hope that they don't lose and I will start to get irrationally hopeful when it looks like they might have something going and then the game will be over and the Lions will have lost and then it will be on to the next week and then the next week and then the one after that and then the season will be over and every goddamn week the story will be the same. 0-16. We are only five games away and this really does seem like just the team to do it, doesn't it?

You Mean They Still Have to Keep Playing?

It seems cruel to keep making the Lions play the games at this point. Just give the other team the win and let these dipshits stay home and go to shitty costume parties and steal each others drawers or whatever the fuck it is that they do. But no, the Lions have too much of that so called professional pride, enough to show up every week anyway, but apparently not enough to actually pull their shit together and win at least one damn game.

This week the Lions have Tampa Bay, which should be interesting if only because roughly half the Lions roster, their head coach, their defensive coordinator and even their new general manager, Martin Mayhew, are all former Bucs in one way or another. Which if you think about it is just sad. It really paints a picture of a lot of what has gone wrong for the Lions this season - aside from the mistakes and disasters of He Who Shall Not be Named that is. Rod Marinelli is so in love with his old franchise, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, that he has focused all his efforts on emulating them as much as possible, down to bringing in all of their old castoffs and leftovers, in terms of both coaches and personnel. Real coaches, real winners, don't slavishly follow along in the wake of more successful people and teams, hoping to somehow emulate whatever success they may have had. No, they do it on their own. They figure out what works, and what doesn't, and they add their own wrinkles to it, and their own players, ones that they have developed, not plucked from the dumpster of the more successful team. They take those new players and they take their own ideas, and they take those wrinkles that they got from the old and they blend it all together until finally they have something new, something that's theirs, and not some pale copy of a smarter and better coach. And that's one of the key reasons why we are here today, at 0-10, soon to be 0-11. Instead of figuring out how to win and how to inject his own thoughts and ideas into his team, Rod Marinelli is content to just try to make the Lions look as much like the Bucs as possible, and all that has gotten him and all that will continue to get him, is a team that looks and plays like the Junior Varsity version of the Bucs. Hell, it wouldn't surprise me if we found out that Marinelli just spends every night sitting at home, alone in only his diaper, watching on an endless loop the footage of the Bucs Super Bowl win, alternating between masturbating and crying until he drifts off to sleep.

Of course, on the other side, the Bucs have a Lions castoff of their own. Jeff Garcia sucked when he was the Lions, and at the time everyone thought that it was just the dénouement to what had been a fine career, the quiet final passage in a tale that was ready to come to a close. But no, it turns out that Garcia was still capable of being a productive NFL quarterback for a playoff caliber team, it was just that shit was so fucked up in Detroit that he, along with everybody else, looked like they were either 100 years old or in way over their heads. Sounds familiar, right? I am sure there will be many more Garcias to come in the upcoming years, guys who seemed like they were done or couldn't hack it in Detroit but who magically come alive elsewhere. But, for this weekend anyway, the only one who really matters is Garcia. I figure it is not only possible, but also extremely likely, that Garcia will have one of those days where he goes something like 35 of 40 for 350 yards and a few TD's. Mostly, it will be one of those dink and dunk fests that the Lions will flail about hopelessly trying to defend, and when the game is over everyone in Detroit will be wondering the same thing: where the fuck was this guy when he was with Detroit? But don't blame him. Blame the Lions, because it is clear that they have the opposite of the Midas Touch. I don't know, call it the Shit Touch.

Offensively, the Lions will likely be a little bit better this week if only because Daunte Culpepper has one more week in the system under his belt. That is not to say that the offense will be good, but there will again be stretches of competence. However, there will also probably be at least a few horrible, game altering mistakes, which coupled with Garcia's steady hand will likely be enough to give the Bucs the win. I know that they have an ancient, over the hill Warrick Dunn running the ball, but as the Lions have so often proved this season, especially the past couple of weeks, just about anyone who has at any time in their career been a legitimate NFL running back can and will run the ball all over their shitty defense. On the other hand, Kevin Smith looked pretty good at running back for the Lions last week against a pretty good defense, but I doubt that it will be enough to counter what the Bucs will be able to throw at the Lions pitiful defense.

The death march continues, I just hope Rod Marinelli has that Super Bowl game footage cued up for those lonely nights once he is unemployed and the Lions are on to their fiftieth fresh start or so of this decade. Perhaps he will be taken back into the arms of his beloved Tampa Bay Buccaneers. They can have him.

Predicted Final Score: Tampa Bay 31, Lions 21

The Detroit Death March

Every time it looks like the Lions are making progress, like they are finally capable of doing at least one thing right, ten other things happen that obliterate all that progress and just make it all seem like some cruel joke being played on Lions fans. Kevin Smith actually had a decent game running the ball and Daunte Culpepper looked pretty good for much of the first half. But then the defense, after a couple of early stops, remembered who they are and let the Panthers run wild on them, exactly the same way that Jacksonville did last week. And then Culpepper remembered that he was retired only a couple of weeks ago and shit the bed late in the fourth quarter.

This game was a weird combination of the last several the Lions have played. They managed to combine the games where they played over their heads, keeping them in it until the end, with the games where they got the shit kicked out of them. They played well in fits and starts, especially early, but as the game moved on, those little bouts of competence became stretched further and further apart and in the spaces between Carolina ran the ball all over them. It didn't matter who was in there, DeAngelo Williams or Jonathan Stewart, the Lions couldn't stop them, and when it came time for the Lions to answer back with a big play of their own Daunte Culpepper did the logical and very Lionesque thing to do and threw the ball right to a Carolina defensive back for a game killing interception. Welcome home Daunte, we're glad to have you, you're going to fit right in.

Of course, this season has become in exercise in absurdity and crushing disappointment and when Daunte threw that interception it was just the latest in a long line of farcical plays this season. If they put out a highlight DVD of this season, they might as well call it Faces of Death: Lions Edition, and it will be hidden in the back rooms of seedier video stores with all the porno flicks. Everyone who rents or buys one will walk out of the room with their head down, afraid and too ashamed to make eye contact with everyone else who wishes they would just get their perverted asses out of the store. I mean, what kind of a monster would want to relive this horror show of a season, this ongoing snuff film of a franchise? Shit, the last game of the season will probably end with Calvin Johnson getting choked to death on live television in a breath play accident while a diaper clad Rod Marinelli panics and tries to dispose of the body.

This shit is so beyond absurd that it has come around to being routine. Dudes running out the back of end zones without a care in the world, guys throwing bewildering interceptions at the worst times, Rod Marinelli pacing the sidelines with that WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED OH GOD I WISH I WAS STILL IN VIETNAM look on his face, Lions players giving morose interviews and quotes about how fucking bad they are, dudes publicly being excited for teammates when they manage to get the fuck out of town. It's all just routine at this point, weekly reminders that the Lions are so bad that the horrific and the nauseatingly bad are just mundane. These guys are fucking abominations and when the season ends they will officially have the worst eight year record in the history of the NFL. That says it all right there.

Can We Just Forfeit the Rest of the Season? Please?

Holy Lord. This game against Carolina looks like it has the serious potential to have Lions fans screaming HEAD FOR THE HILLS ONLY THE STRONG WILL SURVIVE, and that will likely be before halftime.

For starters, the Lions are going to go with Daunte Culpepper again this week. Now, I don't want to say that Daunte looked bad against the Jags last week, but the Lions would have been better off throwing Scott Bakula on the field like in Necessary Roughness. And I don't mean the character either, I mean the actual dude named Scott Bakula. At least it isn't Drew Stanton, although I am sure he will be thrown out there at some point too, just in time to hyperventilate and get murdered and ground into dust by Julius Peppers.

Speaking of Peppers, he should have a field day against the Lions. Not only is he going up against the Culpepper/Stanton Non-Dream Team, he will be lined up across from either Gosder Cherilus or my man Lennie Small. Okay, it will be Cherilus, I just haven't gotten a chance to mention Lennie in a while and it gave me an excuse. But anyway, back to the Peppers/Cherilus match up. This will probably be ugly. Cherilus is known as a better run blocker than pass blocker and this season he has looked about as much like a rookie as a rookie can look. I mean, for fuck's sake, he has even been pulled a time or two in favor of Lennie and as we all know, Lennie is legit retarded. About all Rod Marinelli would say this week about the match up was basically that at least it's later in the season, implying that if this were earlier in the year Peppers would get fourteen sacks and would strut off the field wearing Culpepper's or Stanton's head as a hat. Well thankfully, he will only get six or seven and instead of the head he will be forced to take just their arms which he will then proceed to use to beat them to death.

So, the offense has that going for them. How about the defense? Well, fuck it all, wouldn't you know that the defense is about to get the shit kicked out of them too? Dewayne White is hurt and out for this week. And while the defense has been bad with White in there, whenever he is out the defense goes from bad to apocalyptic. I half expect to see four horsemen glide effortlessly across the field sometime around the third quarter. Behold the pale rider, because these assholes are gonna die.

The Lions have been savaged by a host of inexperienced and/or shitty QB's this season, so of course I am filled with total dread that they are facing a veteran quarterback who has actually piloted his team to a Super Bowl in Jake Delhomme. And, yeah, I know that automatically doesn't mean he is any great shakes. I mean, Sexy Rexy over in Chicago did the same thing a couple of years back, but Delhomme is a hell of a lot better than the Sex Cannon, especially now that he is healthy, and Steve Smith will likely light the Lions secondary on fire on the receiving end of Delhomme's passes. Although, to be honest, I think it is about time Brian Kelly or Leigh Bodden or any of those worthless turds light themselves on fire like those Buddhist monks used to do in Vietnam.

Meanwhile, the Panthers pounding two headed running game will likely be able to walk right through the Lions shitty front seven all game long. The defensive line and linebackers are bad enough as it is, but besides Dewayne White being out, Ernie Sims and Cory Redding are also hobbled and while they should play, neither is 100%. Those are the only three players in the entire front seven worth a damn and with them the Lions are still hideously awful. Can you even imagine how bad it's going to be on Sunday. Jesus. This is going to be horrible.

Of course, the weekly tradition continues of the opposing team and coaches talking about how the Lions aren't really all that bad, just unlucky. This week it is Jake Delhomme giving us the old backhanded compliment. Thanks a lot Jake, it really means a lot. Just one of these weeks I want someone from the other team to be asked about the Lions and then to say something like "Shit, those loser assholes? They still have a team? We're gonna fuck them up so bad they'll have no choice but to just tear Ford Field down and declare it a crime scene. Fuck, I hope we don't get put on trial for war crimes, that's how bad it will be." Just be honest you assholes. This condescending pity party bullshit is just annoying as fuck. Oh well, maybe after the Lions get eviscerated this week that shit will stop. Then again, it will probably just get worse. The players will just start sounding dumber and dumber as they pretend to respect the Lions and the pre-game jackoffs will just get more and more annoying as they slit each other's throats to make the dumbest joke about how much the Lions suck dick. GOOD LORD WHEN WILL IT ALL END???


Predicted Final Score: OH, WHO FUCKING CARES?

Shit's About to Get Dumb

What went wrong on Sunday? Everything. The offense was horrible, the defense was even worse, and there was even a blocked field goal in there just to make sure everyone knew that the Lions failure was total and team wide. From the second pass of the game by Daunte Culpepper, which resulted in an interception, to the Jags basically giving up in the fourth quarter, when they essentially decided to shower the Lions with pity instead of running the score up, it was clear that the Lions are still a long, long way from being truly competitive, a problem when you have yet to win a game and there are only seven left in the season.

So, all that's left is for me to ask the same goddamn question I've asked after every game in this horror show of a season: where do we go from here? It's clear that the Lions have hit the point where they are throwing everything against the wall and seeing what sticks. I mean, who else but a desperate madman would throw Daunte Culpepper out on the field after only three days of practice following an extended layoff due to his retirement? It's kind of astounding that he didn't pass out at halftime. About the only thing he could do was chuck it deep which worked one time on a bomb to Calvin Johnson which led to the Lions first score of the game, but that was it. He couldn't even manage little screen passes, or little roll out dump offs. His timing with the receivers was non-existent and it was clear that he was nowhere near ready. Unfortunately, the only other option was that asshole Drew Stanton.

Now I can't stand Drew Stanton. I think he's a wormy little prick. He looks like a date rapist, or like someone who gets too drunk and ends up getting a little too friendly with one of his frat brothers only to overcompensate for it the next morning by beating up some poor gay dude. I know I'm in the minority here among Lions fans who see Stanton as the plucky hometown underdog who can ignite the Lions with his scrappiness and heart and all that other bullshit that just means you're not good enough. I know everyone wants him to succeed, and maybe I will warm up to him later, but for now his being in the conversation at quarterback just depresses me. Of course, aside from my personal disdain(and okay I will admit it, my irrational disdain, but that is half the fun of being a sports fan, loving and hating rich dudes for no reason at all), there is also the fact that when he came in for Culpepper in the fourth quarter Stanton was not exactly a steadying influence. The dude was sacked five times and he looked like he was hyperventilating in the huddle. Not exactly inspiring.

But even if all the issues at quarterback were worked out and the Lions somehow were able to put someone out there who was on his way to Honolulu the team still would have lost because the defense...oh God the defense. The Jaguars were able to roll off one long, time consuming drive after another, just picking apart the Lions defense like it was some high school team they were scrimmaging against. Both Maurice Jones-Drew-Jones-Drew-Drew-Jones-Whatever and 400 year old Fred Taylor were able to run at will on the Lions shitty front seven and David Garrard was able to sit back and make plays like he was playing catch in the backyard. It was embarrassing and unfathomable how bad the defense looked. I mean, my God, you would think that they would have at least gotten lucky a couple of times, but no, they just flailed about like retards being taught the game for the first time, and the Jags rolled up 38 points in what was essentially three quarters. Had Jack Del Rio not taken pity on the Lions Jacksonville would have hit 50. It was that bad.

And so, where do we go from here? It is past the point of discussion about whether or not these assholes are horrible or not. They are and everyone knows it. Unfortunately the Lions won't even be able to suffer the rest of this apocalypse in relative anonymity, because with each game that they lose they will get more and more attention, and more and more pre-game shows will involve segments with a million jackasses crowing about the Lions being the first team ever to finish 0-16. We have been here before, in year one of the Millen era, and that was just horrible to sit through. If you'll remember that all culminated with Johnny Morton getting all bitchy and telling Jay Leno to kiss his ass on national television after the Lions finally won a game. That was just embarrassing and here we are, not even a decade later and it will only be worse this time. There are roughly a million shitty analysts now working for the networks, and each one of them is going to be falling all over themselves and each other to be able to make the shittiest joke about how bad the Lions are and all of them are going to have their dumbass opinions and blah, blah, blah, blah. It will be horrible and it will happen because the Lions aren't beating anybody. They just aren't. They gave it their best shot the last few weeks, couldn't get it done, and then the bottom fell out completely against Jacksonville. So far this season has been ugly and absurd. The next seven weeks are going to make that look like a Sunday picnic in the park. Shit's about to get dumb.