If the NFL had any decency they would just cancel the game on Sunday on the grounds that making the Lions play the Colts constitutes cruel and unusual punishment. Sure, the Colts aren't quite as good as they have been in the recent past, but holy shit, have you seen the Lions this year? I don't care if the Colts are a shadow of their former self and are lucky to be sitting comfortably in the playoff picture. They are still the Colts and the Lions are still the Lions - and then some. If they were fair minded people, the municipal leaders of Indianapolis would send out the Indianapolis Junior College to beat on the Lions.
Oh my Lions, those poor bastards. When Lord, oh when? It is not enough that the Lions have not only shit the bed and then smeared it all over the walls and then went for round two in the fish tank, they should be even worse than that in this game. The Lions are out of quarterbacks. At this point they should just do the right thing and run Calvin Johnson out of the Wildcat and hope he doesn't get murdered. But instead, they're going to turn to Dan Orlovsky, he of the extended jaunt out of the back of the end zone, now that Daunte Culpepper is hurt just like every other goddamn quarterback the Lions have had this season. Of course it was only a couple of days ago that Orlovsky was complaining that his fucked up thumb still didn't feel right, but what the hell, you know? In this grotesque parody of a season they might as well send a guy out there with the knowledge that when the game is over he'll probably have to have his thumb amputated. But fuck it, it's only Dan Orlovsky.
Of course, Drew Stanton is also wandering around there somewhere, and he is supposedly ready to go after recovering from a concussion, but how shitty do the coaches have to think he is to still refuse to start him, with the team 0-13 and every other quarterback dead or dying? Jesus. Reporters are already asking him if he needs to get the fuck out of town in order to get a fair shake. Well, you know, maybe he really is just a shitty quarterback that Matt Millen fucked up on when he picked him in the second round. I think that is much more likely than what everyone seems to want to believe, which is that he is somehow Joe Montana mixed with John Elway and all he needs is a chance and we will ride his frat boy coattails straight to the Super Bowl. For fuck's sake, the guy can't beat out DAN ORLOVSKY WITH A BROKEN THUMB. I think we can give up on pinning our future hopes on young Stanton.
Of course, this doesn't really mean all that much this week since the Lions are going to be a lifeless mess on offense regardless of who the quarterback is. Chances are they play it close to the vest and try to run the shit out of the ball, but the problem with that is that they will likely be down by double digits within nanoseconds of the start of the game and will have to pass their way out of the hole. Yeah, that's not happening. Calvin Johnson will likely get deep once and make a big play and then will be ignored for most of the game because that is what happens EVERY FUCKING GAME.
Meanwhile, the Lions defense will likely need counseling after the game from all the abuse they will suffer at the hands of Peyton Manning. And even though Peyton Manning might be slipping a little, he is still Peyton Manning and damn it, that hick should demolish the retards and simps who live in the Lions secondary. The last time the Lions played the Colts, Manning threw for six touchdowns. Yeah, SIX. And he only played three quarters! And the Lions are even worse than they were then, and by an absurd margin too. Oh Jesus this is going to be ugly and terrible, the sort of thing that God might call down on a dickhead Egyptian pharaoh. THE RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH BLOOD. Oh God, the pain, the pain.
One last note. The Colts will be starting a dude named Buster Davis at middle linebacker. Now Buster is a little dude, maybe 5'9", but he's intense as hell and will attempt to murder you on every play. The Colts picked him up off the scrap heap, and when Gary Brackett got hurt, they discovered that they have a hell of a player. Now, why is this important? Because of course the Lions had Buster Davis on their team and then cut him before the season because they pussied out and worried that he was too small and because they didn't want him fucking up Jordan Dizon's progress. Of course, Dizon has sucked about eleven different varieties of dick so far and looks like he will likely be selling cars or digging ditches or dead in an alley or who the fuck knows what within a couple of years, so hey, good job Lions coaches and front office. You won another one.
This game is going to be fucking brutal and everyone knows it. There are only three games left before the Lions make history and I see no reason why they won't take one giant step closer to being the shittiest bunch of shits who ever shit.
Predicted Final Score: Colts 117, Lions 6
Thoughts, no prayers.
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