Holy Lord. This game against Carolina looks like it has the serious potential to have Lions fans screaming HEAD FOR THE HILLS ONLY THE STRONG WILL SURVIVE, and that will likely be before halftime.
For starters, the Lions are going to go with Daunte Culpepper again this week. Now, I don't want to say that Daunte looked bad against the Jags last week, but the Lions would have been better off throwing Scott Bakula on the field like in Necessary Roughness. And I don't mean the character either, I mean the actual dude named Scott Bakula. At least it isn't Drew Stanton, although I am sure he will be thrown out there at some point too, just in time to hyperventilate and get murdered and ground into dust by Julius Peppers.
Speaking of Peppers, he should have a field day against the Lions. Not only is he going up against the Culpepper/Stanton Non-Dream Team, he will be lined up across from either Gosder Cherilus or my man Lennie Small. Okay, it will be Cherilus, I just haven't gotten a chance to mention Lennie in a while and it gave me an excuse. But anyway, back to the Peppers/Cherilus match up. This will probably be ugly. Cherilus is known as a better run blocker than pass blocker and this season he has looked about as much like a rookie as a rookie can look. I mean, for fuck's sake, he has even been pulled a time or two in favor of Lennie and as we all know, Lennie is legit retarded. About all Rod Marinelli would say this week about the match up was basically that at least it's later in the season, implying that if this were earlier in the year Peppers would get fourteen sacks and would strut off the field wearing Culpepper's or Stanton's head as a hat. Well thankfully, he will only get six or seven and instead of the head he will be forced to take just their arms which he will then proceed to use to beat them to death.
So, the offense has that going for them. How about the defense? Well, fuck it all, wouldn't you know that the defense is about to get the shit kicked out of them too? Dewayne White is hurt and out for this week. And while the defense has been bad with White in there, whenever he is out the defense goes from bad to apocalyptic. I half expect to see four horsemen glide effortlessly across the field sometime around the third quarter. Behold the pale rider, because these assholes are gonna die.
The Lions have been savaged by a host of inexperienced and/or shitty QB's this season, so of course I am filled with total dread that they are facing a veteran quarterback who has actually piloted his team to a Super Bowl in Jake Delhomme. And, yeah, I know that automatically doesn't mean he is any great shakes. I mean, Sexy Rexy over in Chicago did the same thing a couple of years back, but Delhomme is a hell of a lot better than the Sex Cannon, especially now that he is healthy, and Steve Smith will likely light the Lions secondary on fire on the receiving end of Delhomme's passes. Although, to be honest, I think it is about time Brian Kelly or Leigh Bodden or any of those worthless turds light themselves on fire like those Buddhist monks used to do in Vietnam.
Meanwhile, the Panthers pounding two headed running game will likely be able to walk right through the Lions shitty front seven all game long. The defensive line and linebackers are bad enough as it is, but besides Dewayne White being out, Ernie Sims and Cory Redding are also hobbled and while they should play, neither is 100%. Those are the only three players in the entire front seven worth a damn and with them the Lions are still hideously awful. Can you even imagine how bad it's going to be on Sunday. Jesus. This is going to be horrible.
Of course, the weekly tradition continues of the opposing team and coaches talking about how the Lions aren't really all that bad, just unlucky. This week it is Jake Delhomme giving us the old backhanded compliment. Thanks a lot Jake, it really means a lot. Just one of these weeks I want someone from the other team to be asked about the Lions and then to say something like "Shit, those loser assholes? They still have a team? We're gonna fuck them up so bad they'll have no choice but to just tear Ford Field down and declare it a crime scene. Fuck, I hope we don't get put on trial for war crimes, that's how bad it will be." Just be honest you assholes. This condescending pity party bullshit is just annoying as fuck. Oh well, maybe after the Lions get eviscerated this week that shit will stop. Then again, it will probably just get worse. The players will just start sounding dumber and dumber as they pretend to respect the Lions and the pre-game jackoffs will just get more and more annoying as they slit each other's throats to make the dumbest joke about how much the Lions suck dick. GOOD LORD WHEN WILL IT ALL END???
Predicted Final Score: OH, WHO FUCKING CARES?
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