On the Edge of Inescapable Doom

I've been trying to talk myself into a Lions win this weekend, just like I do every week, but this one has been nagging at me more than it usually does and I can't shake the feeling that maybe this week is the week. Maybe it is all the blathering I did in my last post about hope and never knowing and all that jazz, or maybe it's because the last time these two teams played was probably the best game the Lions played all year. Or perhaps it is because the Vikings will most likely be without the Williams Boys. I don't know, maybe I just really, really want a win so desperately that my heart is starting to tell my brain to shut the fuck up.

And really, that seems the most likely of scenarios here, because anyone who watched the Thanksgiving Day Massacre knows that even hoping for a close game is a hope that might as well be made by four year olds wishing upon a star with Jiminy Cricket or whatever his name is in Middle Earth or Narnia or Fruitopia or wherever. In other words, it probably ain't happening.

Sure, the Vikings will almost definitely be missing the Williams Boys, Kevin and Pat, their two defensive tackles who serve as the heart of the Vikings defense. Unless some court ordered shenanigans take place those two will be sitting home enjoying a relaxing league mandated suspension for taking too much Tylenol or shooting up elephant hormones or eating the fresh heart of a rhino or whatever the fuck it is they did. Against any other team that would surely be the harbinger of inescapable defeat for the Vikings. One would think so, but although the loss of the Williams Boys should definitely allow the Lions to at least move the ball some, one only need think back to the Apocalypse at Ford Field that took place on Thanksgiving and picture Chris Johnson riding through the Lions defense on a pale horse to know that victory for the Lions is probably more than two lost defensive tackles away. The Lions offense has a chance to go from bad to mediocre, but the defense is still the same defense that was blown apart like a sandcastle in a tsunami, and with Adrian Peterson running the ball things, uh, well, they don't look good.

This is the part where I remind you that, despite Adrian Peterson's reputation, the Lions surprisingly held him in check the last time around while simultaneously battering and harassing Gus Frerotte. And if Dan Orlovsky didn't decide to take his quiet, relaxing stroll out of the back of the endzone and if Leigh Bodden didn't pick up a phantom pass interference penalty late in the fourth quarter, chances are good that the Lions would have won that game. But they didn't. They played as well as they could possibly play on defense in that game and it still wasn't enough. The chances that they manage to effectively bottle up the Vikings offense again while the offense spontaneously combusts in a firestorm of yardage and points are pretty fucking slim. I think it is highly likely that the offense will be able to move the ball semi-effectively against the Vikings' Williamsless defense, but the Lions' defense will fold once again just as it has done the last few weeks. Add in the requisite pair or so of Daunte Culpepper fuckups and things are looking grim.

A little history lesson though will tell you that way back in 2001, the last time the Lions descended into this otherworldly hellfire and became a national punch line, it was in a game against the Vikings, after an 0-12 start, that the Lions got their first win of the season. However, and you had to know a however was coming here, that game came after a ridiculous nine straight games in which the Lions had lost by only eight points or less. This of course stands in marked contrast to this years edition of the Lions which has been run out of the building routinely, especially lately, and any correlation drawn between what happened in that fateful year and this one is purely the product of wishful thinking.

So, here we are. Again. Just like every week. The Lions simply aren't good enough to be taken even remotely seriously and the Titans themselves said as much after last week's debacle. There are signs and omens and weird coincidences that seem to point towards something being different this week. Mostly, these are all coming from the hearts of Lions fans whose brains have perhaps been rotted by the stench of one too many losses this season. I find myself amongst them, and am at about the point where I am ready to start rolling chicken bones and reading them for any sign of a miracle. I am almost at that point, but not quite. And so, logically, and with much pain in my heart, I have to think that the Lions will lose yet again and then go on to lose the final three games of the season, cementing their place as the worst team in NFL history. The statistics pretty much bear this out already and so perhaps it is fitting that the whole thing be wrapped up with a neat little bow and that any debate about who is the worst team ever can be smashed and ground up in the face of those mythical and horrible numbers 0 and 16. Perhaps, but the funny thing is that sometimes, and here I go again, you get a little sick of picking with your head, and sometimes, when shit is this bad, all you can do is go with your heart and so fuck all the bullshit, and fuck the Vikings.
Predicted Final Score: Lions 28, Vikings 24