Shit's About to Get Dumb

What went wrong on Sunday? Everything. The offense was horrible, the defense was even worse, and there was even a blocked field goal in there just to make sure everyone knew that the Lions failure was total and team wide. From the second pass of the game by Daunte Culpepper, which resulted in an interception, to the Jags basically giving up in the fourth quarter, when they essentially decided to shower the Lions with pity instead of running the score up, it was clear that the Lions are still a long, long way from being truly competitive, a problem when you have yet to win a game and there are only seven left in the season.

So, all that's left is for me to ask the same goddamn question I've asked after every game in this horror show of a season: where do we go from here? It's clear that the Lions have hit the point where they are throwing everything against the wall and seeing what sticks. I mean, who else but a desperate madman would throw Daunte Culpepper out on the field after only three days of practice following an extended layoff due to his retirement? It's kind of astounding that he didn't pass out at halftime. About the only thing he could do was chuck it deep which worked one time on a bomb to Calvin Johnson which led to the Lions first score of the game, but that was it. He couldn't even manage little screen passes, or little roll out dump offs. His timing with the receivers was non-existent and it was clear that he was nowhere near ready. Unfortunately, the only other option was that asshole Drew Stanton.

Now I can't stand Drew Stanton. I think he's a wormy little prick. He looks like a date rapist, or like someone who gets too drunk and ends up getting a little too friendly with one of his frat brothers only to overcompensate for it the next morning by beating up some poor gay dude. I know I'm in the minority here among Lions fans who see Stanton as the plucky hometown underdog who can ignite the Lions with his scrappiness and heart and all that other bullshit that just means you're not good enough. I know everyone wants him to succeed, and maybe I will warm up to him later, but for now his being in the conversation at quarterback just depresses me. Of course, aside from my personal disdain(and okay I will admit it, my irrational disdain, but that is half the fun of being a sports fan, loving and hating rich dudes for no reason at all), there is also the fact that when he came in for Culpepper in the fourth quarter Stanton was not exactly a steadying influence. The dude was sacked five times and he looked like he was hyperventilating in the huddle. Not exactly inspiring.

But even if all the issues at quarterback were worked out and the Lions somehow were able to put someone out there who was on his way to Honolulu the team still would have lost because the defense...oh God the defense. The Jaguars were able to roll off one long, time consuming drive after another, just picking apart the Lions defense like it was some high school team they were scrimmaging against. Both Maurice Jones-Drew-Jones-Drew-Drew-Jones-Whatever and 400 year old Fred Taylor were able to run at will on the Lions shitty front seven and David Garrard was able to sit back and make plays like he was playing catch in the backyard. It was embarrassing and unfathomable how bad the defense looked. I mean, my God, you would think that they would have at least gotten lucky a couple of times, but no, they just flailed about like retards being taught the game for the first time, and the Jags rolled up 38 points in what was essentially three quarters. Had Jack Del Rio not taken pity on the Lions Jacksonville would have hit 50. It was that bad.

And so, where do we go from here? It is past the point of discussion about whether or not these assholes are horrible or not. They are and everyone knows it. Unfortunately the Lions won't even be able to suffer the rest of this apocalypse in relative anonymity, because with each game that they lose they will get more and more attention, and more and more pre-game shows will involve segments with a million jackasses crowing about the Lions being the first team ever to finish 0-16. We have been here before, in year one of the Millen era, and that was just horrible to sit through. If you'll remember that all culminated with Johnny Morton getting all bitchy and telling Jay Leno to kiss his ass on national television after the Lions finally won a game. That was just embarrassing and here we are, not even a decade later and it will only be worse this time. There are roughly a million shitty analysts now working for the networks, and each one of them is going to be falling all over themselves and each other to be able to make the shittiest joke about how bad the Lions are and all of them are going to have their dumbass opinions and blah, blah, blah, blah. It will be horrible and it will happen because the Lions aren't beating anybody. They just aren't. They gave it their best shot the last few weeks, couldn't get it done, and then the bottom fell out completely against Jacksonville. So far this season has been ugly and absurd. The next seven weeks are going to make that look like a Sunday picnic in the park. Shit's about to get dumb.

0-9

What's next, Vinny Testaverde?

Lions fans are approaching this week's game with an incredibly strange mixture of curiosity, hope and wide eyed terror. Dan Orlovsky's thumb has rendered him useless for the next few weeks - well, more than he normally is anyway, leaving the team in the hands of either frat boy asshole Drew Stanton or damaged Ferarri Daunte Culpepper. People are pretty sure that it is going to be Culpepper, which is both scary and hilarious, scary because he has only been in town for a week and has spent most of the season retired, hilarious because, well, this says an awful lot about how terrible Drew Stanton is, doesn't it?

Adding to this pending disaster is the fact that the Lions best offensive lineman, center Dominic Raiola, could miss the game with an injury of his own, something he hasn't done since showing up in Detroit in 2002. So, there is a very good chance that the Lions will go into Sunday's game against Jacksonville with a quarterback who hasn't played all year and has only been practicing with the Lions for a few days taking snaps from a center he has never worked with and who himself hasn't played all year. Yes, Andy McCollum is a veteran, but let's not pretend that this won't result in at least one hilariously botched exchange this week. Oh, and by the way, McCollum also has a finger that's broken in three places. JOY.

So, with all of this, Lions fans are pretty sure that Sunday could be even more apocalyptic than it normally is. But, Culpepper has been a good quarterback before which is something no one else on this team can say, and so Lions fans are hoping that maybe by some miracle, the last few years of his career will just melt away, his knee will finally be right, and his golden cannon of an arm will make Calvin Johnson look like Randy Moss. Images of those explosive Vikings offenses can't help but dance through our heads during these ridiculous and awful times. It's all we have left.

Thankfully, the Lions saving grace might just be the fact that Jacksonville looks like it is descending into chaos and civil war, with rumors that Mike Peterson will be suspended and that the team is only one argument away from Peterson and head coach Jack Del Rio settling things in the Thunderdome. The Jags are only 3-5 this season and it appears that it has finally gotten to them. They are not a team that is used to losing and their implosion might be the one thing that the Lions need to cravenly steal a victory before the season is out. Of course, it won't be because the Lions play particularly well, but we will take what we can get, and if that means Calvin Johnson scampering for a touchdown when the Jacksonville defenders start fighting each other on the field and Jack Del Rio is beaten by everyone on the sideline in a full scale revolt then so be it.

Still, Jacksonville is a much, much better team than the Lions. Sure they lost to the Bengals last week, who up until then had been the Lions only competition for the worst team in the league, but in my opinion that only makes it that much less likely that the Jags lose this week. They may be a huge disappointment, but it is incredibly doubtful that they would lose to the two worst teams in the league back to back. They still have more talent than Detroit and if things calm down just a bit this could be just the game they need to start to right the ship. If they see that and if they understand that then the Lions really don't stand much of a chance. If they are still caught up in petty bickering and civil strife, then there is a chance that the Lions can steal this one. We shall see.

Predicted Final Score: Jacksonville 24, Lions 23

0-8

The game against the Bears on Sunday started out just like most of the other ones this season, with the Lions fucking up and the other team opening up a quick double digit lead. But then a funny thing happened. Dan Orlovsky looked like he was a legitimate NFL quarterback and the defense decided to actually look like they were made up of professional athletes. The Lions outscored Chicago 23-3 the rest of the way and the Lions won the game. Wait. What? That was only the end of the first half? They still had to play the second half? Well fuck.

Once the second half started whatever magical potion the Lions had ingested, whatever pact with Satan they had made, wore off and Dan Orlovsky quickly realized that he was Dan Orlovsky. Meanwhile, the Bears had lost my boy Kyle Orton leading to the New Age of the Sex Cannon, and they still were able to erase the Lions lead and win 27-23. I mean, you can't have a team more where you want them than the Lions had on Sunday. They were up 23-13 at halftime, the Bears starting quarterback, the man who had torched them only a few weeks earlier, was injured and lost for the game, and there was the general sense from Bears fans that the roof had just collapsed. Well, leave it to the Lions to hold up the roof for just long enough for the Bears to squeak out one more win before the inevitable comedy of errors blows up in Chicago.

It's hard to take away anything positive from a game so heartbreaking. It finally seemed like the Lions were ready to pick up that first win of the season but when the game ended with the ball hitting the turf on a failed Hail Mary the progress made in the first half seemed suddenly far away and unreachable. And in a way that made it all that much worse. It was there. It really was. Calvin Johnson looked like a star, the stud that the Lions could lean on in order to have at least a respectable offense, if not an explosive one. Dan Orlovsky looked like he was blossoming from an afterthought soon to be forgotten completely once Daunte Culpepper showed up into a guy who could potentially keep the job for his own, and not just because there was no one else but because he had earned it. Kevin Smith managed to slash forward for enough yardage to keep the defense honest and as for the Lions defense they managed to keep the Bears from doing much of anything following the ugly start to the game. It was all there and then it was gone. And that can be worse than just seeing and accepting the sheer futility that the Lions had shown up to that point. At least then we knew what was going to happen. This time we were allowed to think "Hey, maybe these guys aren't so bad after all" only to be cruelly reminded that yes, they are.

So, where do we go from here? Well, not very far. The Lions will probably show flashes of competency the rest of the season and they may be able to even steal a win or two, but mostly they will sputter when it counts the most and they will lose a few by blowout and they will lose a few like they did against the Bears on Sunday. And through it all, Lions fans will look for stories to keep them interested, semblances of hope and intrigue that they can lean on in order to ride out the season without going completely insane and punching the family dog in the face. We've already got the question of who is going to be back next year and who will be playing and coaching in the Arena League or in prison or dead in a ditch or who the fuck cares, and we've got the further development of Calvin Johnson to watch. But now we've also got the curious case of Daunte Culpepper to keep an eye on.

The Lions just signed the erstwhile retired Culpepper and everyone is curious to see how ready he is to step in and play. Will he be able to start this season? And if so, will he be any good? Really, Culpepper hasn't done anything in four years, not since he exploded with the Vikings for 39 touchdowns in 2004 and led my Fantasy Football team to glory and a championship. And then he hurt his knee and turned into a limping pile of shit and since then he has bounced around conning teams who think that he still has a big arm so why not? But then he gets on the field, does nothing, and everyone remembers that he is washed up. That is why he had to retire at 31 after all, because everyone knew he was done and no one would offer him anything more than a one year deal to show up for training camp and probably get cut. As you can tell I'm really on board with Culpepper.

But the sad part is that Culpepper actually looks good in comparison to the shit heaps the Lions have at quarterback. He is like an old busted ass Ferrari that never runs right and which breaks down if you actually dare to take it out on the highway. You got it cheap from the neighbor who got rid of it after he wrecked it going too fast at two in the morning, drunk and stoned, and his wife made him dump it on you for pennies on the dollar. Now you just stare at it and think if you just get the right parts you might be able to get her as good as new again. Deep in your heart you know it's not going to happen. But you look at your driveway, you see the piece of shit you have been driving and you figure why not? Of course, that fucker is gonna break down on you after you've dumped a bunch of money into it, your wife is gonna scream at you and next year you're going to have to start all over again with either a new car or more likely, a hunk of shit you got for a good deal, and you'll be right back where you started. But fuck it, you've got a Ferrari for now and you are gonna dream big.

And that's what's left for Lions fans this season. We're gonna dream big, conjuring up ridiculous scenarios in which Culpepper returns to glory, Calvin Johnson finds a way to clone himself and the Cowboys lose every game the rest of the season and we get their number one overall pick and select Dick Butkus. That's all we've got.

Almost Halfway Through Hell

Of the seven quarterbacks the Lions have faced this season six of them have had career best passer ratings against the Lions. Think about that. Six out of the seven quarterbacks the Lions have faced have had the best game of their entire career against the Lions. That is just...I mean, there are no words. Now, you could say that all those quarterbacks are young and/or inexperienced and thus, the fact that they had the best game of their career doesn't mean quite so much as if, say, Peyton Manning did. But, the other side of that coin is that it means that the Lions have been torched by a bunch of young and/or shitty quarterbacks. I can't even imagine what would happen if they played Peyton Manning. Jesus! It would be fucking apocalyptic.

Which is not to say that hasn't already been the case this year, including against the Lions opponent this week, the Bears and Kyle Orton. Now, I love Kyle Orton. He should be commended for being a drunken pussy hound. As I have said before it worked for the best quarterback in Lions history, Bobby Layne, and it worked for Ken Stabler and Joe Namath so why shouldn't it work for Kyle Orton? I can't cheer against him. I just can't. He is everything that I wish the NFL still was. So I am stuck in the unenviable position of cheering either against one of my favorite players or my favorite team. Of course my team will win out in the battle for my heart and mind but I still want Orton to do well. I just want the rest of his team to suck monstrous amounts of cock.

Unfortunately, you and I both know this is unlikely to happen, especially given that we have already seen what can happen when these two teams play one another. The Lions lost 34-7 in their earlier game and really it wasn't even that close. And that game was in Detroit. This one is in Chicago. This will likely get ugly fast, and like last week, the only quotes coming out of Chicago are those same guarded and yet patronizing statements that just make you realize how shitty things really are in Detroit. Brian Urlacher said that the Lions are still an NFL team and have to be treated as such which is just terrific. I mean, the Lions are so bad that other teams are having to remind themselves that the Lions actually have professional football players and not drunken transients who were paid five dollars and a bottle of Night Train to pretend to be football players for a day. Meanwhile, Lovie Smith is out there saying that the Lions are playing their best ball right now which is just hysterical given that they are 0-7. In other words the Lions absolute best is still an eight point loss. Good to know.

In other news you may have heard about the story of Roy Williams going to Mike Furrey's Halloween party as Tatum Bell, complete with a bellhop outfit and underwear with Rudi Johnson's name written on them. Now, everyone else is talking about how hilarious this is, and okay, sure, there is that, but at the same time we are overlooking the fact that none of these fuckers have anything to laugh at. If anything, Tatum Bell got off lucky. He may be an underwear thief, but at least he doesn't have to suffer the indignity of being a Detroit Lion. Then again, neither does Roy Williams so I guess he is entitled to cut loose and party now that he has escaped from Hell. I assume the rest of those assholes went as the scariest monsters of all: themselves.

There is honestly not a lot to look forward to on Sunday. The Lions will likely lose, and there is a very good chance that they will lose badly. And then next week there will be more reports that the Lions are working out quarterbacks like Daunte Culpepper or Tim Rattay or Scott Mitchell or Bobby Layne's bones or Mike Utley's wheelchair and everyone will wonder who the quaterback of the future will be. Some are still clinging to the hope that it will be frat boy Drew Stanton who is the one man who could make me wistful for that Bible thumping dick Jon Kitna. I pray to God that is not the case, and apparently the Lions agree with me since, although he is the number two quarterback on the roster right now Stanton is apparently not getting any reps except for on the scout team in practice. Of course this means that if Orlovsky gets hurt that shit will get hilarious. But the point is that regardless of who plays the rest of the season it doesn't mean shit for the future, because come next year the Lions are going to have new coaches, a new quarterback, and really, a whole new team. So this Sunday doesn't really matter. Except that it does because it always does, and when you see your team colors you find yourself rooting for them even if they are being worn by a bunch of drunken bums. It doesn't matter, and sadly that's the theme for this season in more ways than one. It doesn't matter.

Drunken Retardation and the Detroit Lions

For a while on Sunday the Lions managed to run in a straight line without shitting their pants, thus going above and beyond what I said they would do in my preview of the game. Of course, they didn't run particularly fast or well and while they didn't shit themselves they definitely had a turtle head poking out the whole time just waiting to drop. And drop it did. When Santana Moss housed a punt to put the Redskins up 23-10 a few different things happened. Most Lions fans groaned, I laughed deliriously, like a loon, and my poor retarded kid, the Detroit Lions, finally let loose with the explosive diarrhea that we all just knew was waiting to come out, spun around, fell down and began crying.

Calvin Johnson did make a play to bring the Lions back to within one score and while they tried on defense those poor bastards couldn't make a play when it counted. Jason Campbell looked like he could have thrown for a million yards if he wanted to. Every time the Redskins threw the ball down the field they were successful and I was left with the distinct impression that Raven was right in his analysis of his team. Jim Zorn is not a particularly good coach and his game management both from a play calling perspective and a time management one were suspect. More plays down the field to Santana Moss would have broken the Lions back long before they actually did and the last drive at the end of the first half was absolutely atrocious. The Redskins continually fucked up and putzed around, eating a lot of time off the clock but the Lions bailed them out again and again by allowing big plays when all they needed was one measly stop to head into the locker room with a 10-3 lead. The Redskins managed a field goal, cutting the lead to 10-6, which did its part by zapping all the life out of Ford Field, but also should have left Redskins fans upset that they couldn't manage a touchdown which the Lions were determined to gift wrap for them. But, this is about the Lions and not the Redskins and so I will let that go. And instead, I will focus on the immediate ennui which set in once that field goal sailed through the uprights.

The Lions stink. That much is obvious, and you should all know by now that such a statement is almost criminal in how little it does to actually describe the futility going on here. Despite all this, they caught a sleepwalking Redskins team and got out to a 10-3 lead. But because of how depressingly putrid the Lions really are any lead is going to come with an inherent sense of fragility. It is like hanging out with your horrible drunk of a friend at a party. Even though he hasn't had anything to drink yet and everyone is having a good time you know it is only a matter of time before someone hands him a beer or a bottle of Jack and when the night ends with him pissing in a house plant or the fish tank or drunkenly groping your other friend's girlfriend, leading to a bunch of drama that nobody wants or needs, you're not gonna remember that for a couple of hours he was on his best behavior. No, you'll remember the black eye he mysteriously acquired at some point in the night and the vomit he left in the backseat of your car and you'll know and understand all too well that it is his nature and any hope that may creep up on you is just a false hope. It is evil, it is cruel, and it will happen every goddamn time.

And sure enough, when the third quarter started the Lions took their first sip of the devil's brew and by the end of the quarter they were getting loud and aggressive, threatening to fight random people and smashing bottles and putting out their cigarettes in the carpet. And then Santana Moss returned that punt, the Lions pissed in the closet and started grabbing random asses. After that, it was over. It just was, and even though the Lions tried to play it straight, said that they were cool and that they were going to maintain, it became obvious that the party was over and the Lions just had to get the fuck out of there before someone got hurt. But still, somehow they managed to walk the line between just drunkenly stupid and full on disaster, getting the ball back with enough time to move down the field. And again, somehow they managed to barely function, moving in fits and starts but when Calvin Johnson was smacked down short of the marker on fourth down by London Fletcher, the Lions finally shit their pants, began bellowing incoherently and had to be dragged out of there so they could sleep it off and live to disappoint us all again another day.

Sadly, there is no rehab for what the Lions are going through. Maybe the best thing is to just let them stay at the party and get the shit kicked out of them over and over again. That might be the only way they learn that they are too fucking miserable to be around. Let them get completely cleaned out and start over again at zero. Look, in my last two posts I have compared the Lions to a retard and the worst kind of drunk. I don't know what else to say. I mean, that shit speaks pretty clearly for itself. I just want to go back to the days when the Lions would get a few drinks in them but could still control themselves. They were fun to hang out with back then. Sure, by the end of the night they would usually do or say something stupid but it was easy to laugh it off because fuck it, we've all been there. But now, shit's just out of hand. My loveable old friend is now just a drunken retard.

Fever Dreams and Pants Shitting

I think I'm getting sick. My throat hurts and when I woke up today I had that dehydrated vaguely hung over feeling, but it hasn't gone away all day. I'm not what I would call sick yet but the signs are definitely there and by Sunday I may feel like complete shit. Which is fine because the sicker I am the less I will give a shit about what the Lions do and if it gets really bad I am hoping that I will just be able to chalk it up to a fever dream. If anybody tries to talk to me about the game I will just nod politely all while thinking to myself that I need to get the fuck out of there. I mean, a fever dream is not something to be shared and if some asshole saw what I saw then that either means that I have to face the horrifying thought that it actually happened or that son of a bitch is a wizard and I'm not real fond of either scenario since each would probably end with me projectile vomiting. Fucking wizards.

Look, I know that Raven says that he doesn't really trust the Redskins and he wants them to score some fucking points before halftime, but I can assure him that this is the game when his boys will break out. So far, Jason Campbell has been good for the Redskins and if you go through the early part of the schedule you will see that just about everyone who has played quarterback against the Lions this year has put up Hall of Fame numbers. They have all been like that asshole who only plays Madden on rookie because he wants to put up ridiculous stats built from 1 play 87 yard drives. That is what the Lions are now, the rookie level in Madden. So, yeah, Jason Campbell by himself is probably enough to eviscerate the Lions but then you throw in Clinton Portis who is running all over fools and the outcome of Sunday's game becomes painfully clear.

Offensively the Lions have one player who is any good. Calvin Johnson may be the Christ child but he is still young and he is still all alone and the Redskins know all this. I expect him to be harassed and beaten until he finally just says fuck it and punches Dan Orlovsky after another failed play. Meanwhile, my man Lennie Small is being pulled yet again in favor of Gosder Cherilus which is just mean. The man is a retard, it is just cruel to keep allowing him the opportunity to run and play one week only to shove him back in his cage the next. Have some class Rod Marinelli. Come on.

Look, the Redskins are going to beat the Lions. Everyone knows this. Which makes Washington's desperate attempts to avoid giving the Lions anything to build off of that much funnier. The Redskins' players and coaches have all been bending over backward in order to compliment the Lions and every time Chris Cooley or Jim Zorn mention how hard they play and how they don't quit it is impossible not to picture the Lions as the retarded kids who get stickers and ribbons just for trying to play. Sure they look ridiculous and they are at least as likely to shit themselves, take their clothes off during the middle of a game or run away crying as they are to do anything right, but they are trying damn it, and everyone will clap for them and cheer them on and yell and scream when they manage to run in the right direction. This is what it has come to, the Lions opponents just pity them at this point and are patting them on the backs and saying "Awww, atta boy, here's a popsicle. Go have fun now!" It is as if the entire team has become a 53 man roster made up entirely of Lennie Smalls, and as much as you know I love my boy Lennie, this is not something I'm all that proud of. But it is what it is, there is nothing I can do about it and so on Sunday, whether I am watching the game with a clear head or whether I am watching through the haze of a fever, I will still be rooting for my big dumb retard of a kid, hoping against hope that maybe this time will be different. But deep down, I just know he's gonna shit his pants again.

Predicted Final Score: Redskins 34, Lions 10, Number of Pants Shit 7