Almost Halfway Through Hell

Of the seven quarterbacks the Lions have faced this season six of them have had career best passer ratings against the Lions. Think about that. Six out of the seven quarterbacks the Lions have faced have had the best game of their entire career against the Lions. That is just...I mean, there are no words. Now, you could say that all those quarterbacks are young and/or inexperienced and thus, the fact that they had the best game of their career doesn't mean quite so much as if, say, Peyton Manning did. But, the other side of that coin is that it means that the Lions have been torched by a bunch of young and/or shitty quarterbacks. I can't even imagine what would happen if they played Peyton Manning. Jesus! It would be fucking apocalyptic.

Which is not to say that hasn't already been the case this year, including against the Lions opponent this week, the Bears and Kyle Orton. Now, I love Kyle Orton. He should be commended for being a drunken pussy hound. As I have said before it worked for the best quarterback in Lions history, Bobby Layne, and it worked for Ken Stabler and Joe Namath so why shouldn't it work for Kyle Orton? I can't cheer against him. I just can't. He is everything that I wish the NFL still was. So I am stuck in the unenviable position of cheering either against one of my favorite players or my favorite team. Of course my team will win out in the battle for my heart and mind but I still want Orton to do well. I just want the rest of his team to suck monstrous amounts of cock.

Unfortunately, you and I both know this is unlikely to happen, especially given that we have already seen what can happen when these two teams play one another. The Lions lost 34-7 in their earlier game and really it wasn't even that close. And that game was in Detroit. This one is in Chicago. This will likely get ugly fast, and like last week, the only quotes coming out of Chicago are those same guarded and yet patronizing statements that just make you realize how shitty things really are in Detroit. Brian Urlacher said that the Lions are still an NFL team and have to be treated as such which is just terrific. I mean, the Lions are so bad that other teams are having to remind themselves that the Lions actually have professional football players and not drunken transients who were paid five dollars and a bottle of Night Train to pretend to be football players for a day. Meanwhile, Lovie Smith is out there saying that the Lions are playing their best ball right now which is just hysterical given that they are 0-7. In other words the Lions absolute best is still an eight point loss. Good to know.

In other news you may have heard about the story of Roy Williams going to Mike Furrey's Halloween party as Tatum Bell, complete with a bellhop outfit and underwear with Rudi Johnson's name written on them. Now, everyone else is talking about how hilarious this is, and okay, sure, there is that, but at the same time we are overlooking the fact that none of these fuckers have anything to laugh at. If anything, Tatum Bell got off lucky. He may be an underwear thief, but at least he doesn't have to suffer the indignity of being a Detroit Lion. Then again, neither does Roy Williams so I guess he is entitled to cut loose and party now that he has escaped from Hell. I assume the rest of those assholes went as the scariest monsters of all: themselves.

There is honestly not a lot to look forward to on Sunday. The Lions will likely lose, and there is a very good chance that they will lose badly. And then next week there will be more reports that the Lions are working out quarterbacks like Daunte Culpepper or Tim Rattay or Scott Mitchell or Bobby Layne's bones or Mike Utley's wheelchair and everyone will wonder who the quaterback of the future will be. Some are still clinging to the hope that it will be frat boy Drew Stanton who is the one man who could make me wistful for that Bible thumping dick Jon Kitna. I pray to God that is not the case, and apparently the Lions agree with me since, although he is the number two quarterback on the roster right now Stanton is apparently not getting any reps except for on the scout team in practice. Of course this means that if Orlovsky gets hurt that shit will get hilarious. But the point is that regardless of who plays the rest of the season it doesn't mean shit for the future, because come next year the Lions are going to have new coaches, a new quarterback, and really, a whole new team. So this Sunday doesn't really matter. Except that it does because it always does, and when you see your team colors you find yourself rooting for them even if they are being worn by a bunch of drunken bums. It doesn't matter, and sadly that's the theme for this season in more ways than one. It doesn't matter.