0-8

The game against the Bears on Sunday started out just like most of the other ones this season, with the Lions fucking up and the other team opening up a quick double digit lead. But then a funny thing happened. Dan Orlovsky looked like he was a legitimate NFL quarterback and the defense decided to actually look like they were made up of professional athletes. The Lions outscored Chicago 23-3 the rest of the way and the Lions won the game. Wait. What? That was only the end of the first half? They still had to play the second half? Well fuck.

Once the second half started whatever magical potion the Lions had ingested, whatever pact with Satan they had made, wore off and Dan Orlovsky quickly realized that he was Dan Orlovsky. Meanwhile, the Bears had lost my boy Kyle Orton leading to the New Age of the Sex Cannon, and they still were able to erase the Lions lead and win 27-23. I mean, you can't have a team more where you want them than the Lions had on Sunday. They were up 23-13 at halftime, the Bears starting quarterback, the man who had torched them only a few weeks earlier, was injured and lost for the game, and there was the general sense from Bears fans that the roof had just collapsed. Well, leave it to the Lions to hold up the roof for just long enough for the Bears to squeak out one more win before the inevitable comedy of errors blows up in Chicago.

It's hard to take away anything positive from a game so heartbreaking. It finally seemed like the Lions were ready to pick up that first win of the season but when the game ended with the ball hitting the turf on a failed Hail Mary the progress made in the first half seemed suddenly far away and unreachable. And in a way that made it all that much worse. It was there. It really was. Calvin Johnson looked like a star, the stud that the Lions could lean on in order to have at least a respectable offense, if not an explosive one. Dan Orlovsky looked like he was blossoming from an afterthought soon to be forgotten completely once Daunte Culpepper showed up into a guy who could potentially keep the job for his own, and not just because there was no one else but because he had earned it. Kevin Smith managed to slash forward for enough yardage to keep the defense honest and as for the Lions defense they managed to keep the Bears from doing much of anything following the ugly start to the game. It was all there and then it was gone. And that can be worse than just seeing and accepting the sheer futility that the Lions had shown up to that point. At least then we knew what was going to happen. This time we were allowed to think "Hey, maybe these guys aren't so bad after all" only to be cruelly reminded that yes, they are.

So, where do we go from here? Well, not very far. The Lions will probably show flashes of competency the rest of the season and they may be able to even steal a win or two, but mostly they will sputter when it counts the most and they will lose a few by blowout and they will lose a few like they did against the Bears on Sunday. And through it all, Lions fans will look for stories to keep them interested, semblances of hope and intrigue that they can lean on in order to ride out the season without going completely insane and punching the family dog in the face. We've already got the question of who is going to be back next year and who will be playing and coaching in the Arena League or in prison or dead in a ditch or who the fuck cares, and we've got the further development of Calvin Johnson to watch. But now we've also got the curious case of Daunte Culpepper to keep an eye on.

The Lions just signed the erstwhile retired Culpepper and everyone is curious to see how ready he is to step in and play. Will he be able to start this season? And if so, will he be any good? Really, Culpepper hasn't done anything in four years, not since he exploded with the Vikings for 39 touchdowns in 2004 and led my Fantasy Football team to glory and a championship. And then he hurt his knee and turned into a limping pile of shit and since then he has bounced around conning teams who think that he still has a big arm so why not? But then he gets on the field, does nothing, and everyone remembers that he is washed up. That is why he had to retire at 31 after all, because everyone knew he was done and no one would offer him anything more than a one year deal to show up for training camp and probably get cut. As you can tell I'm really on board with Culpepper.

But the sad part is that Culpepper actually looks good in comparison to the shit heaps the Lions have at quarterback. He is like an old busted ass Ferrari that never runs right and which breaks down if you actually dare to take it out on the highway. You got it cheap from the neighbor who got rid of it after he wrecked it going too fast at two in the morning, drunk and stoned, and his wife made him dump it on you for pennies on the dollar. Now you just stare at it and think if you just get the right parts you might be able to get her as good as new again. Deep in your heart you know it's not going to happen. But you look at your driveway, you see the piece of shit you have been driving and you figure why not? Of course, that fucker is gonna break down on you after you've dumped a bunch of money into it, your wife is gonna scream at you and next year you're going to have to start all over again with either a new car or more likely, a hunk of shit you got for a good deal, and you'll be right back where you started. But fuck it, you've got a Ferrari for now and you are gonna dream big.

And that's what's left for Lions fans this season. We're gonna dream big, conjuring up ridiculous scenarios in which Culpepper returns to glory, Calvin Johnson finds a way to clone himself and the Cowboys lose every game the rest of the season and we get their number one overall pick and select Dick Butkus. That's all we've got.