Thanksgiving threw everything into a coma, and I fired off my Pulitzer shit, but now here we are, on the other end of it all, Grandpa used some racial slurs at dinner and no one spoke up against him, Grandma remembers when everyone looked like her, a drunk uncle gets really fucking mad because no one believed in him and he cries and apologizes to “Mama” but dad is sick of this shit every year and so he takes drunk uncle out back and gives him a couple of slugs to the gut. Drunk uncle pukes and drunk drives home, passes out and drives straight into the grocery store, everything is madness, Cashiers are weeping and getting PTSD, and then drunk uncle staggers out of the car, grabs all the cough medicine on the shelves and runs off to write Gambling With Sanity.
Chicago 16 Detroit 14
JUST RIPPING THE BANDAGES OFF AND BLEEDING TO DEATH TO START
It saddens me, but my man here, Dan Campbell, has the heart of a true Spirit Warrior, but he also has the brain of a chimpanzee. Horrible, horrible. This is a Lennie Small scenario I think, Of Mice and Men, at least he got to bite some kneecaps before George does him in.
The double timeout was a fucking fiasco, and Campbell said he knew it, but he did it anyway because one half of the defense didn’t have the play, and if they snapped the ball, the Bears would have scored a touchdown. YOU FUCKING IDIOT, YOU HAD TO LET THEM SCORE SO YOUR BULLSHIT OFFENSE COULD GET A CHANCE AT WINNING THE GAME, but no, Lennie Small over here had to pet his goddamn puppies as the clock drizzled down to zero like the jizz on a gloryhole. The Bears kicked a field goal and the Lions were left with their dicks hanging out and no one was there to suck them. Seriously, they punted the ball with 8 FUCKING MINUTES LEFT and let the Bears take all that time. I want Danny Boy to fire up the troops, but maybe don’t let him get ahold of anything of consequence. You have to remember, he was an NFL TE so he almost certainly has brain damage and, I mean, 0-16-1 is a horrific thing for sure, but he could end up doing a Benoit. You have to be careful around these fuckers.
The Bears, of course, can just fuck right off. But it is funny that they came into the game with Matt Nagy a walking corpse leaning on the failed Andy Dalton instead of getting the kid in there and making magic. It was just a desultory turd laid on the field, and yet that turd was enough to beat the fucking Lions, Jesus Christ I need the ether.
Las Vegas 36 Dallas 33
Jesus Christ, the amount of sleazy degeneracy here could function as a second sun, the Cowboys and the Raiders living in their own shit, exiled from humanity, that second sun made up of the incredible detritus of their various whoring and street racing and coke mania, coalescing into something awful, just terrible, a second sun of filth, giving out heat and energy of sleaze from Dallas to Vegas, Jerry Jones creating his own fucking sun that he can sort of control before it tips over and is revealed to be nothing more than the bottom end of a Long Island Iced Tea, Jerry hungover, chapped lips, wondering if he should acknowledge the baby the bottle girl shat out.
There are no winners here, regardless of the score. This is the football game they play in hell.
Buffalo 31 New Orleans 6
The Saints are running out garbage people so there is nothing really to see there. At some point, it would probably be a good idea to find the next quarterback to dance in New Orleans, but the Saints might be caught between ol’ shit face and the future, and don’t know who to turn to. I would advise to just get Kenny Stabler’s skeleton, mix it up with those beautiful New Orleans witches, and you’ve got a true Spirit Warrior QB, so powerful that it transcends time, and life and death. He can walk with The Great Willie Young and give this damn game some meaning.
Buffalo got back to snuffing out fools, and it really is remarkable that they crafted Josh Allen into a juggernaut of a quarterback. I had no hopes for him, but he has taken Buffalo and run with them, away from OJ and the flesh eating thing that got to Jim Kelly. The Bills can win the AFC for sure, but only if they believe in the Now, with Josh Allen and his crew, and don’t get sucked into being a passenger in a white Ford Bronco.
Cincinnati 41 Pittsburgh 10
NOW THIS IS WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT. The Bengals slayed and embarrassed the rapist. Someone had to step up and do it and… oh shit, it was Joe Mixon running wild and beating any woman that he lay eyes upon.
The NFL is a horrible league filled with rapists, abusers and general reprobates who were bred to be this way, like growing corn in Nebraska, down South, they grow football players and they raise them like pit bulls. It really is a horrifying thing. And it never ends. The abusive shithead vanquishes the rapist, but only because he probably wants to take up the rape throne. I hate these fucking worms. All of them.
Tampa Bay 38 Indianapolis 31
Brady was still delirious from the Michigan shitkicking of Ohio St., so there was no telling what lengths he would go to, to celebrate. Beat an NFL team, sure no problem. The Colts were more frisky than he would have liked, but sometimes Tom wants to tease the beasts before he sucks off all of their heads. I have to imagine there are probably right now going on secret Michigan Man hunting for humans and oh shit, I’m a Michigan Man? Well, I’m sorry if Tom and I eat you, but we beat Ohio St. and nothing else matters, not even all those Super Bowl rings.
The Colts, like I said, were friskier than anyone probably thought, and they could very well stumble ass backwards into the Super Bowl because the AFC is just dogshit for some reason this year. But no one should want the cruel and horrible people of Indiana to feel anything akin to happiness. I have said it, but I will say it again, at one point in our blood soaked history, Indiana had the most Klan members per capita. We war with Ohio, but Indiana is just horrific and goes ignored which allows them to perpetuate their terrible culture of fascist hate and cousin fucking, Larry Bird is basically a monstrosity, a man who doesn’t even know how to present as anything other than a fucking Indiana hick, and yeah, him and Magic Johnson are friends, but Larry would never let Magic meet his daughters if he has them. That is Indiana. Fuck ‘em.
Miami 33 Carolina 10
The Cam Newton reunion isn’t going too well. Shit, they benched him for some dude named PJ Walker, which sounds like the name of an independent wrestler trying to meet the right people. Christian McCaffrey was extant, but he didn’t do a goddamn thing. Carolina is just a rotten turd, they try to present nice things and toys for people to gawk at, but nope, it’s all just turds.
For the first time, Tua actually showed out for the Miami Dolphins. Maybe they don’t have to trade for the rapist in Houston, but it’s a little too late to mean anything this year, and somehow next year we will all get sucked into buying into the Dolphins winning with defense and Tua, and it’s just a con and you will lose all your money and be forced to blow Don Shula as he cums dust.
New England 36 Tennessee 13
Little Bill might actually get to just be called Bill because the Patriots are doing Patriots thing sans Brady for the first time, but I don’t know if it will hold up. I mean, it almost certainly won’t. It will look real good, and people will be sucking off Little Bill, but it’s hollow. It doesn’t have that killer inside which is named Tom Brady. Mac Jones is going to wilt under that kind of pressure. Imagine having to live up to Brady standards all so Little Bill can feel good about himself. But the Patriots are gonna be in the playoffs and it will be weird, but funny because they will lose because they don’t have the greatest sportsman in the history of the world to bail them out when shit gets too deep. Poor Little Bill is just gonna have to settle for maybe a second round knockout, and they will pretend that they have achieved greatness again. But it’s all a hollow lie.
Tennessee getting rolled this deep in the season is yet another harbinger that the AFC playoffs are just gonna be a fucking fiasco. No one wants to be good, probably scared of having their skins flayed by Uncle Klaus so Brady can wear them as a coat. I mean, this could be a real thing.
NY Giants 13 Philadelphia 7
Nope, not even gonna engage with this horrible shit. Bad week for Tosh, who by the way has fucking ghosted his fantasy team in my league, just evil spirits all around.
Atlanta 21 Jacksonville 14
The game for the soul of the south, which of course is fucking putrid, romanticized by a legion of grown men with the brains of eleven year olds. There is nothing special or romantic about the South, it is just a shithole filled with mean ugly people who couldn’t even be bothered to do their fucking chores back in the day.
It is fitting then that Urban Meyer is involved in all this. He absolutely would have been a Confederate general that Proud Boys would jack off to. You know I am right.
Someone had to win this stupid goddamn game, and the Falcons have had some fun with Cordarrelle Patterson moving him around from receiver to running back as he hits his 30s and a probable mushroom soup for a brain within two years, which is the window for Matt Ryan to continue to flog his flaccid dick before a nurse escorts him from the field. The Falcons are just abusing players at this point. You have to cut the cord and rebuild on the other side. I’m sorry if Matt Ryan is left shivering naked and alone, abandoned by his handlers, but that’s what you get for fucking around in the South.
New York Jets 21 Houston 14
To lose to the Jets is an embarrassment of its own, but Houston is beyond embarrassment, just an ugly team stripped to the bone, rapist quarterbacks flying in the wind and I know rape is a touchy subject and shouldn’t be in a football whatever the fuck this is, but it is just insane how it is just front and center all the goddamn time everywhere you look. This is a hideous league, and playing in it should demand that you be chemically castrated. I don’t like writing about rape every fucking week, I mean the human spirit can only endure so much, but that is what the fucking NFL has made real. No one else talks about it because they are all cowards. But these fuckers are all just out there and uggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
At least the Jets didn’t trot out Joe Flacco this week, but Joe Namath was probably somewhere in the building doing Joe Namath things which brings us back around to rapezilla and this league is just unconscionable.
Denver 28 LA Chargers 13
Another weird fucking AFC game where the Chargers are dragged down by the Teddy Brdidgewaters of the world. This conference is going to shit out something weird for Brady to toy with in the Super Bowl. But shit, Denver didn’t just win, they comfortably snuffed out the Chargers. The AFC is just a sick game of Russian Roulette at this point.
I still cannot fathom why the Broncos didn’t pull the trigger on Aaron Rodgers. I mean, both to get him the fuck away from me and mine, and to take up some weird ass Libertarian shit in the Rockies. It was a perfect fucking match really, but the world is dumb and shitty and it didn’t come off. In an alternate universe, Aaron Rodgers is the Broncos QB and is leading a Rogan brigade to Galaxy Brain Town and a still alive Hunter S Thompson is the sheriff who shoots these fucking clowns. That’s the world I want to live in.
Green Bay 36 LA Rams 28
Familiar territory for Stafford, right? I mean, I guess the jackass Aaron Rodgers is always going to be endgame for him and for all of us really. Goddammit, he’s back to being the fucking Devil. Everyone is just playing their part in hell like nothing even happened and poor Matthew Stafford has to relive PTSD Lions shit because this jackass of a devil just won’t go away.
I mean, someone has to kill the devil, right? Tom Brady emerges from the soup like in Apocalypse Now and we realize that this is what the entire universe has been building to, The Fucking Devil vs The Antichrist and Jesus is off somewhere playing soccer with poor kids.
We’re never gonna be rid of this monster until someone definitely breaks him, but that would probably involve a Chicago Bear or two and fuck, we don’t like those guys either. No one even call Kirk Cousins and the Vikings bullshit, we have to make a deal with the fucking Bears who are the team I hated the most as a child, and this is just so all wrong, wrong, wrong. I just want to watch Barry Sanders dance and then I will curl up and try to think of better things, like Michigan beating the shit out of Ohio St.
San Francisco 34 Minnesota 26
FUCK KIRK COUSINS. THAT’S IT. THAT’S MY ANALYSIS.
Baltimore 16 Cleveland 10
Lamar Jackson threw four interceptions and it still wasn’t enough for the Browns to win. They have been crippled, both on the field and spiritually I think thanks to a combination of Dan and me. I mean, we had to dump that body in the Cuyahoga River. It couldn’t be helped. But that is just what bonds us in these wasted years, and the Browns unfortunately got a whiff of it. It happens. I don’t *try* to let my malignant poison seep into my friends lives and maybe this is what Astrid meant when she called me an emotional vampire.
I look at Baltimore and all I see is Harbaugh and now I am thrown to last Saturday again and I will live in this moment for all eternity. Or at least until Michigan does something dumb and then it’s just right back to the shit eating. Which is really what the NFL is all about, You eat shit so they can spike ad rates, and then there is the Super Bowl which is all about EATING SHIT and pretending that you like the taste. But there will always be a Harbaugh to smile at you like an autistic alien, and you just put your head down and let the insanity of football culture wash over you.
Washington 17 Seattle 15
Russell Wilson and Pete Carroll are done, right? The Seahawks have left a putrid stench just like the fucking seagulls at the beach who shit all over you and try to eat your snacks. They will eat anything, shit everywhere and that’s what happens when you let birds have a place at the table. The fucking Seahawks should be downgraded to Seagulls. They have to strip this thing bare and start a new culture. I mean, it was a good run, be proud of that, but don’t get sucked into Atlanta Falcons territory where you’re trying to leverage ghosts and skeletons against a league that is just waiting to blow you away.
Washington can get fucked. That’s it. That’s the end of this stupid chapter. See you next week or tomorrow (for fuck’s sake)
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